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Uncle Orson Reviews 1998

Annoying Television


Faked-up Primetime "News" Shows. Is there any night of the week that doesn't have Dateline? Can't we put the old stars of 60 Minutes out to stud? Doesn't anybody else catch on that these shows are exactly as real as Geraldo -- with the difference that on 60 Minutes the empty vault would have been presented as an astonishing discovery by brave reporters. These primetime news shows are always about one thing: The reporter as hero. And you know something? There are no hero reporters on television. Peter Arnett's humiliation on that Time-CNN debacle is only the latest example of the fact that the on-air "personalities" are not real reporters, they're just news readers with big egos, who are more interested in "story" than in facts. These shows are always wrong, because they always skew everything toward the hero-reporter story.


The Donny and Marie Show. Donny, we love you, but lose the girl.


Phone Company Commercials. Never has so much airtime been wasted on such pathetically small or nonexistent savings. The worst of them, of course, remains MCI, the alltime champion of ugly, mean-spirited advertising -- and with Burger King and Visa in the running, that's a hard record to maintain.


Network News. Come on, guys. Does every story have to be portentous and shallow at the same time? Can't you, now and than, actually hire people with enough intelligence to hold onto an idea more complicated than wondering how the next question will make them look? Above all, do we have to listen to Sam Donaldson prove his intellectual deficiencies and George Will show off his intellectual self-delusions every week?


Ads That Run Too Often. There's no commercial so good that we need to see it twice in the same show. There's no commercial so clever that it stays entertaining the three hundredth time we see it.


Politically Incorrect. The phoniest show on television. Bill Maher is the epitome of pathetically needy political correctness. Rightwing guests are invited only to be scorned. There is more stupidity and dishonesty per minute on this show than on any other show on television except when the White House addresses the nation.


Best Television Non-Event of 1998

Two words: No NBA!

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