Hatrack River Forum: The Gospel According to Biff

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Posted by FlyingCow (Member # 2150) on :

I just finished what is quite possibly the funniest book I've read in my entire life. It's called "Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal," by Chrisopher Moore (who is an author I have to buy more of).

This isn't exactly consumable by everyone, though, I warn you. You have to have a healthy sense of humor about Christianity and need to be able to see Jesus as a human being (and worse, a teenager).

The book is told from the point of view of Levi called Biff, Jesus (Joshua)'s neighbor from the age of 6, who traveled with "Josh" his entire life, spending the 17 missing years in search of the 3 magi. Those who are easily offended should probably avoid the book, but any recovering christians, agnostics or atheists would probably think it's a hoot and a half.

Couple of exerpts...

At age 9:

quote:
"You know, we are going to have to start working soon," Joshua said. "I won't see you, once I'm working with my father."
"Joshua, look around you, do you see any trees?"
"No."
"And the trees we do have, olive trees - twisted, gnarly, knotty things, right?"
"Right."
"But you're going to be a carpenter like your father?"
"There's a chance of it."
"One word, Josh: rocks."
"Rocks?"
"Look around. Rocks as far as the eye can see. Galilee is nothing but rocks, dirt, and more rocks. Be a stonemason like me and my father. We can build cities for the Romans."
"Actually, I was thinking about saving mankind."
"Forget that nonsense, Josh. Rocks, I tell you."

At age 13:

quote:
Joshua was bumping people in the crowd as he passed, seemingly on purpose, and murmuring just loud enough so I could hear him each time he hit someone with a shoulder or elbow. "Healed that guy. Healed her. Stopped her suffering. Healed him. Comforted him. Ooo, that guy was just stinky. Healed her. Whoops, missed. Healed. Healed. Comforted. Calmed."
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Practicing," Joshua said. "Whoa, bad toe-jam." He spun on his heel, nearly turning his foot out of his sandal, and smacked a short bald man on the back of the head. "All better now."

At 18:

quote:
"Hey Josh," I said. "Balthasar sodomizing you?"
"No!"
"Vice versa?"
"Absolutely not!"
"You get the feeling he'd like to?"
He was quiet for a second, then he said, "He's been very attentive lately. And he giggles at everything I say, why?"
"Because Joy says it's not good if he falls in love with you."
"Well, it's not if he's expecting any sodomizing, I'll tell you that. That's going to be one disappointed magus."
"No, worse than that. She won't tell me what, but it's really, really bad."
"Biff, I realize you may not think so, but from my way of thinking, sodomizing the Son of God is really, really bad."
"Good point."
"I'll bet he was myrrh," said Josh. "Bastard, he brings the cheapest gift and now he wants to sodomize me. My mother told me the myrrh went bad after a week, too."
Did I mention that Joshua was not a myrrh fan?

At 30:

quote:
Joshua stepped over to Thomas the Twins, who was only one guy, younger, perhaps twenty, his beard still like soft down in places, his clothes finer than any of ours. "And Thomas."
"Don't, you're standing on Thomas Two," Thomas squealed.
"Nathaniel pushed Joshua aside adn whispered in his ear a little too loudly. "He sees his twin but no one else can. You said to show mercy, so I haven't told him that he's mad."
"And so you shall be shown mercy, Nathaniel," Joshua said.
"So we won't tell you that you're a ninny," I added.
"Welcome, Thomas." Joshua said, embracing the boy.
"And Thomas Two," Thomas said.
"Forgive me. Welcome, Thomas Two, as well," said Joshua to a perectly empty spot in space. "Come to Galilee and help us spread the good news."
"He's over there," said Thomas, pointing to a different spot, equally empty.
And thus did we become thirteen.

So, for any who weren't totally put off by the above, I'd highly recommend the book! [Big Grin]

Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :

Oooh, I am so there. [Smile]

For another sacrilicious favorite, might I recommend Towing Jehovah.

Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :

Just about anything by Christopher Moore is good. I love Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story.

Somehow the idea of a confused new vampirette consulting Anne Rice books for hints just cracked me up...

Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :

Hunh. You've verified that I have a sense of humor...I thought they were funny. [Laugh]