quote: I had a dream that death was sleeping in my bed. The night was still, and I felt my belly press into the grass. Gunshots had flown through the air, birds that rent the skies and the bodies of men. Two were yet still alive. The round face of one of the policemen was grim and sweaty against the dim evening sky. It provided a stark contrast between the body of his companion, bloodlessly dead in the soft darkness of my backyard. The men's movement lit up the night in a flash, and the glowing led me to a white room.
This was one of the survivors. I knew he would not be for long. I felt his wound in my mind, it was near his leg. I panicked, called for a doctor. They told me that they'd get one. No doctor ever came.
Five points for a correct guess with either rationale for the guess or a critique of the story Two points for any guess with a critique One point for any guess with a rationale A blank stare for any guess with neither critique nor rationale
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
The Official Guessed-And-Not-Yet-Confirmed-Wrong List
[ October 20, 2003, 05:47 PM: Message edited by: sarcasticmuppet ]
Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
quote: The men's movement lit up the night in a flash, and the glowing led me to a white room.
This was one of the survivors.
This seems a bit confusing to me. "The man's movement?" perhaps. Also the movement lit up the night? I know its a dream, but this leaves me a little confused.
I like the dreamlike quality, however. The tone is interesting and novel. Thank you writer.
I have several guesses. The first is Feyd Baron.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Nope.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
From the violence of the scene, I'd say the writer is male. From the overy forced word useage (Birds that rent the skies and the bodies of men,... Bloodlessly dead) I'd say young.
T_Smith.
While I like the fact that we are being shown the scene, not told of it, and the writer lovers words, the rythem isn't quite there. The phrases are interesting but they aren't quite tied together enough to make the scene understandable.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
This piece is disjointed -- deliberately so, I think? It does give it a nightmarish quality, but perhaps certain aspects could be made clearer without sacrificing that.
I guess filleted.
Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
It really comes across in sort of the dream-sequence feel: disjointed, overwrought, filled with things "known" rather than "shown". I'm thinking the author is both male and young... the guesses, though... going to take a stab in the dark here:
Fugu13
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No, no, and no.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Hmm, I'm not convinced the author is male.
porce?
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Has anybody seen my post? I posted a brief analysis and a guess--Dragon--but I don't see my post. It was a couple of hours ago that I made it. Is it floating around in the wrong thread or something?
Is it here in this thread, and I just missed it somehow?
Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
That makes me think of Noemon. It's Noemon, right?
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
That's funny, because my analysis wasn't really very positive. I'll answer for dkw on that one--wasn't me.
Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
It's dreamy and dark. Ophelia.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
I suspect that the narrator didn't have a shirt on. Kama.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
I agree that it has a disjointed feel, and while I think that the author was definitely *after* something like that, it feels like the disjointedness isn't entirely intentional. It feels a bit clumsy. I agree that the author is probably young, but I'm not convinced that it's the work of a male. It could be, but it wouldn't have to be. My first guess is going to be Dragon.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Noes all around.
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
I agree with everybody, it seems sort of vague. The first part seems like film noir to me for some reason... But probably the vagueness was on purpose. It seems like the author uses too many commas to me.
Let me see... The first part makes me think it's a guy... Troubadour?
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
I was thinking it might be Ryuko, but had no basis for it.
But Ryuko's post just now reinforces my hunch.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Is that an official guess?
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Sorry, let me be clearer.
I guess Ryuko, based on both the "feel" of the piece and her post of 5:11.
*looks narrowly at dkw* You're gonna say "no" now, aren't you?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
I mean yes.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
It's Ryuko.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Hah! I finally got one! Cool. Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
Dang. I knew I shouldn't have posted. I thought that might look suspicious, tho...
I'm kinda pissed that everyone thought I was a guy.... >_<
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Ahem.
quote: Hmm, I'm not convinced the author is male.
I wasn't sure which gender the author might be. Is that better? Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Oh, and I had a strong enough hunch about you that I probably would've posted it later even if you hadn't posted anything.
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
Yeah, OK, I'm not mad at you, rivka. Or Noemon...(shakes fist at others)
But thanks for all the critiques. I needed that if I'm ever going to get this short piece into a workeable condition. If it makes any sense to anyone, I was reading a collection of stories by Japanese author Yasunari Kawabata at the time, called Palm of the Hand Stories. This was somewhat written in that style...
[ October 09, 2003, 05:40 PM: Message edited by: Ryuko ]
Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
Hey, I added that I liked it...
quote: I like the dreamlike quality, however. The tone is interesting and novel. Thank you writer.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
The next round will be up on Monday.
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
I've been gone for a while. Is the game still continuing?
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
RL seems to have bitten a lot of people rather hard recently, sax. You, for example. And I think dkw also?
But hey, I don't mind staying the winner of the most recent round indefinitely. Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)