I'm relatively new here. I've read posts and posted back under a couple, although not under this name. Anonimity is required here, but I need the help that it seems only mass amounts of people can give me. I am in love with someone. I have been for a long time. We've had off and ons, but I can't stop loving this person. The problem is that I don't always believe they love me back. They cut me out, block me off, and someimtes just don't communicate at all. It seems sometimes that they don't even want to be with me, but they profess to love me. I don't know how to handle this, and I need to talk to this person about it. I need help. I love this person more than I can say and they are the only person I've ever truly loved, but how do I make them see what they do to me?
I put this out into the oblivion. If you can help me please do.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
I have learned this, after many painful relationships:
If you love someone, and they cause you pain, you should stop loving them. Seriously.
Just move on. You'll always look back on 'em as a fish that got away, but it is NOT worth -- NEVER worth -- the angst and self-doubt to pine after somebody who may or may not be stringing you along.
Besides, there are fewer things less attractive than loving someone so desperately that you wind up handing them all the power in the relationship; consequently, once things reach that point, you'll make yourself LESS attractive to that person by continuing to hang around.
Make yourself unavailable for a while -- and stick to it.
Posted by JLeRoche (Member # 5855) on :
It causes me more duress than pain I think. And in this particular case it is not entirely an attempt to injure me I believe but I don't know how to approach the subject with them.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Good advice Tom. I've also learned that one from experience.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Are there children involved in this?
Posted by JLeRoche (Member # 5855) on :
No, nor is there marriage. Just a heart that can't stand to be broken one more time and someone who I don't think realizes how precariously pearched I am on that cliff
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Doesn't have to be an attempt to cause you pain; it just IS causing you pain.
And that's how you bring it up:
"Look, doll. You know I love you. But I'm just not getting the same vibe from you, and I don't want to stick around while things start getting all weird and awkward. It just hasn't been right, lately, so I think we should call it quits. If we're meant to be, we'll look each other up a little bit down the road."
Keep it light. Keep it non-accusatory. And keep it firm.
Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :
Is there any way you can sit down and talk with them and say something to the effect of "the way you shut me out hurts/bothers me" (without having to say "the way you shut me out makes me think you don't love me", even though that may be closer to what you're feeling)? It is possible that they are doing this without realizing that it hurts you.
I do agree with Tom though - that if your significant other causes you pain (regardless of whether it's emotional or physical), you should try to distance yourself from them (and the pain they cause you).
[ October 29, 2003, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: ludosti ]
Posted by JLeRoche (Member # 5855) on :
Tom, I wish I could do that. I don't want to end the relationship, I want to end this ridiculous lack of communication that's causing the problem
Posted by JLeRoche (Member # 5855) on :
I can do that, but I'm not sure how to phrase things without sounding like a complete bastard and simply pissing her off instead of fixing the problem
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
No, you want to end the relationship. Because the problem is not that you don't communicate, as far as I can tell: it's because you aren't picking up her signal.
She's not on your wavelength, so you're asking for ways to CHANGE her wavelength; you're not just looking to improve the reception.
Reception issues are pretty minor, and you can work 'em out. But if you've gone through rough and rocky times together and you still have to check to make sure she loves you, someone isn't broadcasting on the right channel.
Posted by JLeRoche (Member # 5855) on :
It's not that I doubt they love me...I just don't see it sometimes
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
I guess I'm not quite sure what you mean when you say "It's not that I doubt they love me...I just don't see it sometimes". Can you elaborate?
How long have you been together, by the way?
Have you run into this problem with other partners? If so, what happened in those relationships?
Posted by JLeRoche (Member # 5855) on :
We have been together a total time of about two years, but this has been spread across about 5...long tale..not enough room on hatrack to explain and it kind of blows my anonimity out of the water. No I've never run into this problem with anyone else. And I mean that I know they love me, but sometimes I just don't see them show it to me
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
without details its hard to give advice.
A loves B. Does B love A? A knows they do, but feels like B does not demonstrate this well.
There are three reasons for this. Each reason has a solution:
I.
B does not love A at all, but A really really really wants there to be love, so imagines it where it does not exist.
Solution: A tells B their feelings, their love and thier worry. If B does not return A's feelings, A should back away, cry, mourn, but move on.
II.
B likes A, and knows A is useful to have around as a backup, a safe date when no one else better is around, a safety net. B doesn't want to lose that safety net, so will tell A that B loves A, but that is just a lie.
Solution: A tells B their feelings, their love, and thier worry. If B responds with an overflow of protestations of love, but no real change, A should back away, cry, mourn, and move on.
III.
B loves A, but does not know how or when to demonstrate this.
Solution: A tells B their feelings, their love, and their worry. Toghether they talk out their problems, change their lives and learn to communicate better.
These solutions are not easy. They are scary and dangerous. It is likely you will lose your love. On the other hand, it is the only way to save your love.
And it is not hopeless.
My wife and I had problems communicating our feelings. We still do. Yet we have sworn to make the effort to do so. We are much better for it.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Well, if I were you, I guess I'd probably sit down with her, not making a big "we need to talk" deal of it (which in my experience usually just puts people on the defensive), and say something like "You know, there's something that I've been feeling unhappy about. Sometimes I feel like the things that you usually do that show me that you love me, like X and Y just stop happening." and then just improvise from there. I could probably give you better advice if I knew more about the situation, but I understand why you don't want to share anything more than you already have.
Posted by JLeRoche (Member # 5855) on :
Well, I'm going to try to talk it out with them tonight, so here goes nothing:)
Posted by Starla* (Member # 5835) on :
Good Luck Posted by JLeRoche (Member # 5855) on :
Thanks:)
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
So, how'd it go?
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
My fingers are crossed for you, J.
quote:If you love someone, and they cause you pain, you should stop loving them. Seriously.
This is wisdom. Not in the "if they make you mad then just tell them to flip off" interpretation, but in the true, deep interpretation.
If someone loves you, then they will take delight in your joy and feel misery at your pain. If this isn't true -- especially if they aren't working hard to meet you more than halfway, out of love -- then they don't love you.
It may be exciting, it may be kicks, it may feel like home, you may think you'll never get over it. But whatever it is, it isn't "being loved."
A partner who is consistently uninvolved, cruel, or unavailable is about him or herself, not him or her partner. They're busy building their own mystery, to quote a great Sarah MacLaughlan line. They are consumed by their own story. That doesn't necessarily make this person evil, or pitiful, or contemptible -- it just makes them someone who is unable to love you.
You do yourself and them a favor by withdrawing from the chaos.
[ October 30, 2003, 08:22 AM: Message edited by: ClaudiaTherese ]
Posted by ana kata (Member # 5666) on :
What happened? Anything?
Posted by JLeRoche (Member # 5855) on :
Well, we talked and it seems things are patched up. Anonimity requires that I leave details out, but both of us have work we need to do for this to work and it seems that we are both ready and willing to put out that effort. So with any luck this won't happen to this degree again. Thanks for all your advice, I really appreciate it.
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