quote: I don’t know how he even heard the sound. But he must have, because he stopped the car and got out to listen. I couldn’t hear anything but the sputter of the engine.
“I think it’s a kitten,” he said climbing down into the drainage ditch. “It’s right around here somewhere.”
He reached his hand into the pipe that ran under the road and pulled out what looked to me in the car like the soggy remains of a cornbread muffin. Until it moved. I had never seen a kitten that small away from its mother. He handed it to me through the window and told me to keep it warm until we got home.
Rivka: 76 ½ Saxon75: 63 Sarcasticmuppet: 59 ½ Eslaine: 55 ½ Jeniwren: 40 Noemon: 40 ½ Christy: 37 Celia: 38 Ophelia: 29 Advice for Robots: 27 Deirdre: 25 Morbo: 20 ½ Ryuko: 20 Teshi: 20 Caleb: 16 Belle: 16 Mackillian: 15½ Irami: 15 Sopwith: 15 Annie: 13 Dan Raven 11 ½ Tom Davidson: 10 ½ Fugu: 10 Twinky: 10 Scott R: 10 Leonide: 8 Nick: 8 T Smith: 7 ½ Hobbes: 7 BannaOJ: 6 Katharina: 6 Jon Boy: 5 Human 4½ esl: 4 ½ Ethics Gradient: 4 ½ Enjeeo: 4 ½ Fitz: 3 Brinestone: 3 Beren One Hand: 2 Jaiden: 2 Blacwolve: 2 GreNME: 2 Icarus: 2 Emperor Palpatine: 2 Tristan: 2 ClaudiaTherese: 2 Locke: 2 ludosti: 2 Kayla 1½ Papa Moose: 1 Filetted: 1 Kwsni: 1 Pooka: ½ Punchdrunk: ½
Five points for a correct guess with either rationale for the guess or a critique of the story Two points for any guess with a critique One point for any guess with a rationale An icy stare for a guess with neither critique nor rationale
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
The first sentence in the third paragraph is grammatically poor. Break it up a bit, or reword it.
My guess: Locke
My reason, well, because I had too.
Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
I think I'd like more of a clip to get the feel of the story. If this is the beginning, I think it needs some more of a set-up or a follow up on where when and who.
Really this is just a teaser.
Maethoriell?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No and no.
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
This sounds like a male voice to me. I like the passage, even with the awkwardness of the first two sentences. It could be smoother, but since we don't really have enough text to tell if the voice has an awkward way of speaking, it's possible that the sentences make sense in the context.
I especially like the cornbread muffin description. Very cute. Cute, but still I think this is a male voice.
Is it Unmaker/David Bowles?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
It is barely a taste, as Christy said. I'd like to see more.
The word "he" is used 6 times in this short excerpt. It should be replaced with the character's name (if known) some of those times. Or with a description -- "my husband," "the stranger" or whatever is appropriate.
Random guess: Morbo
Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
the 'he' repetition doesn't stand out to me as much as the 2 'but's in the first paragraph. it is cute.
pixie?
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
There were some problems with the prose, but I think the description was great. I'd never have thought to describe a wet kitten as looking like "the soggy remains of a cornbread muffin." If whoever this is works on the mechanics a bit, he or she could become a very good writer.
Almost at random: Shlomo.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
The author seems adept at setting the stage-- in a few moments, we know where we are, and are swooped into the story. Nice work, though I have to complain it IS a bit brief, which makes me bitter.
And this piece screams female writer. Kitty in the rain? Why not just throw a vial of estrogen in our noses?
anne kate.
Think I'll nuke Texas, now. Hey, do I get extra points for that, dkw?
Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
Well, isn't that just a marshmallow soaked in honey then? "soggy remains of a cornbread muffin"?
Scott however is doing pretty well here. I have to give him points for nuking Texas as well.
But for entertainment value, I'll guess Pat.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No points for the use of nuclear weapons.
No correct guesses, either.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote: “I think it’s a kitten,” he said climbing down into the drainage ditch.
I might tweak that to
quote: “I think it’s a kitten,” he said, as he climbed down into the drainage ditch.
I guess porce.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Okay. . .
How exactly did the guy know there was a kitten in a drain pipe? This could use some explanation.
Kama
[ November 13, 2003, 06:34 AM: Message edited by: Scott R ]
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
I agree that the piece could use some work, but over all I like it. I get the impression that the author is male (although I wouldn't be surprised if I were wrong), and young. I'm guessing Hobbes.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote: How exactly did the guy know there was a kitten in a drain pipe? This could use some explanation.
Well, that actually didn't bother me. Newborn kits make a VERY distinctive noise.
We had a couple in the basement once, and the noise (which I could not figure out WHAT it was) sounded like nothing else I've ever heard.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Yeah, but he was in a car (presumably, DRIVING it), and the kitten was in a drain pipe.
Man's got some good ears, wot?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No to everybody.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Okay, then using the same rationale, T_Smith (I nearly guessed him the first time).
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Jeniwren?
Man, I'm running out of critiques. . .
This needs to be longer.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No and no.
Posted by Megachirops (Member # 4325) on :
All my thoughts have already been expressed. It's written well, but it's too short to really sink my teeth into, or to judge the writing with any accuracy. My biggest problem with it was wondering how this guy could hear a kitten while driving. The narrator addresses this (her?)self in the first sentence, but it doesn't fix it for me. As a writer, I have often tried to patch up a hole that somebody pointed out to me with a throwaway "I noticed it too, hunh" kind of line, and this is what the first line feels like to me. The writer can't explain why he heard it, but needs him to have heard it, and so the narrator says "I don't know how he heard it, but . . . " This seems amateurish to me, but only because I've been guilty of it myself and I recognize my own mistakes. But it might not be at all. If we had more, maybe we would discover that this guy has superhuman hearing and that this is setting up that bit of characterization. We don't have enough here to know whether this passage is necessary to the story because it explains how they found a kitty, or because it demonstrates his freakish hearing.
quote:I couldn’t hear anything but the sputter of the engine.
To me, "sputter of the engine" seems like a cliché. Engines only sputter if they are dying, first of all. Otherwise, it should be a hum or something. But they always seem to sputter in stories, especially on dark and stormy nights.
quote:He reached his hand into the pipe that ran under the road and pulled out what looked to me in the car like the soggy remains of a cornbread muffin. Until it moved.
I like the use of the fragment. Dramatic.
He reashed his hand, or his arm?
There is a good bit of characterization through action here, as we learn not only about this guy's freakish hearing, but about what kind of person he is--the kind who rescues kittens from drainage ditches.
Of course, that seems like a cliché "white hat" trait as well. Is he a volunteer fireman too? This makes me think that the author is youngish.
I would have gone with T_Smith, but even if it's right, I'm not sure if I would get any points for it, now that somebody has already guessed it. So . . . hmm . . . I don't know why, but I'm leaing toward guy trying to write what a girl thinks an ideal guy is. There's no reason why it couldn't be a girl instead, but this is what my gut is saying. I'm tempted to say Jon Boy, but I would expect a wider variety of sentece structures from him. I'm tempted to say Geoff, though I have never seen his writing, but I'm thinking the son of an author might have a bit more polish. So . . . um . . . how about Pixie, and forget this whole "it's a boy" thing.
Posted by Megachirops (Member # 4325) on :
Say, Dana, if we give a critique and a rationale, we don't get points for both?
(I think I asked this before, but I don't remember if you answered.)
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Hmm. My thought was that anyone who gave a critique was basing their guess on the critique -- hence two points; one for the critique and one for the rationale implied by the critique. I’m not sure what to do with a critique and then a separate rationale. I shall ponder.
Not Pixie.
[ November 13, 2003, 11:54 AM: Message edited by: dkw ]
Posted by Megachirops (Member # 4325) on :
And if you post multiple guesses w/ rationales, do you only gain points after the first if it's right?
And will scores go down to zero in the new "season"?
(This is where you tell me to chill out, it's only a game, and the scores don't mean anything. But you don't know me and games! )
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
This game is like Whose Line Is It Anyway? in that everything’s made up and the points don’t matter.
I tend to think that in the scenario you’ve described you would only get the points for the correct guess. But in reviewing precedent, I find that in round nineteen I only allowed one guess at a time, which seems like a good way to eliminate the problem.
The scores will definitely start over in the new season, that’s part of the reason I didn’t just add the new submissions to the pool and keep going.
Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
*giggle* Too bad we didn't play any board games while we were in Florida. That could've been interesting Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
That means I have one last chance to make major scorage. . .
How does the narrator feel about this person that is getting out of the car for no apparent reason? How does the narrator feel about cats? Is it the man's car, or the narrator? Is the narrator a man, or a woman?
All questions I wish I had answers to. But I do not, because this entry is too frickin' short.
Really, this is a good, simple extract. Very strong, very concise. I just wish it were longer so I could enjoy it more, and critique it more, and find out what happens to the cuddly widdle kitty. . .
dkw
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote: Man's got some good ears, wot?
quote: this guy has superhuman hearing
quote: we learn not only about this guy's freakish hearing, but about what kind of person he is--the kind who rescues kittens from drainage ditches.
O_o
I didn't expect to see Lois & Clark fanfic on THIS board . . .
quote: He reached his hand, or his arm?
I agree with Ic -- this is unclear. Maybe just "He reached into the pipe"?
Is it IndexCard?
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
quote: we learn not only about this guy's freakish hearing, but about what kind of person he is--the kind who rescues kittens from drainage ditches.
No, we don't. He could've been hungry.
We just don't know.
And that makes me bitter.
Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
Hey, Icarus I had already guessed pixie. For suggesting that I am no one, I will blatantly steal your guess of Geoff.
Rational: Because Icky is a big meanie.
Posted by Megachirops (Member # 4325) on :
Only one guess per game?
Sorry Celia . . . I am blind.
OK. My instincts were saying boy, but I just can't see any of the unnamed boys on the list having written it. So I'm thinking girls, by process of elimination.
(FWIW)
(Unless the whole story is dark satire, and this piece is horribly out of context. Wouldn't that be a hoot!)
I'm thinking it's one of the following: ludosti, Leonide, JaneX, Dragon, muppet, rivka, pooka, and Christy. Christy and rivka are on my list largely because their posts in this thread make me suspicious. And yet, part of me really wants to guess JaneX.
Hmm . . . if I can have a second guess, I'll make it rivka.
[ November 13, 2003, 02:00 PM: Message edited by: Megachirops ]
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
I think dkw said only one guess at a time -- that is, until she comes and "no"s us all again.
I've managed to successfully sow suspicion again, hmm? Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
The extreme squishiness of the beginning could be a great setup for something really dark. Just what is that kitten? Is it really a kitten? What will happen to the family, now that it has arrived.
I think that the piece is mostly pretty good. I do like it (despite the cute factor).
How about Papa Moose?
Edit to correct the spelling factor.
[ November 13, 2003, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: eslaine ]
Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
I'm going to throw out a guess of Pooka.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
*hands Sopwith a sweater*
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Process of elimination doesn't work. If we assume that every round could remove one person form our pick list, that still leaves 46 people to choose from,
and I think DKW is sneaky enough to claim this is the FInal Round, but secretly use someone's Next Generation posting just to throw us all off the track.
Posted by Trogdor the Burninator (Member # 4894) on :
Plus, there's no rule that says that each person may only be used once per round.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Some people sent in more than one sample, in any case.
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
Process of elimination does not work from round to round in the season (rounds 1 through 30), but it certainly works within each round. There is a set list of people to guess from, only one excerpt is guessed on per round, and presumably each excerpt has only one author. So as long as you keep track of who has been guessed already and who hasn't been guessed yet in each round (which a lot of people don't seem to do), you can quite easily guess by process of elimination.
I agree with everything Icarus has said so far, and in fact I seem to be thinking along the same lines as he was, as I had also considered Geoff, Jon Boy and T_Smith, and rejected them for the same reasons. I do think that it seems like a male's writing for some reason, but I can't seem to find any guys on the list that seem like a good match. I suppose I don't know all of them that well.
Well, I'll go ahead and rule out guys for now. The cornbread line makes me think of Texas, so I'll guess kat.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No to everybody.
And yes, I meant one guess at a time, not one per round.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
The New and Improved Already Guessed List: Locke Maethoriell Unmaker/David Bowles Morbo Pixie Shlomo ak Pat porce Kama Hobbes T_Smith jeniwren dkw IndexCard Geoff rivka Papa Moose pooka kat
I guess Human.
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
Hmmm... I think maybe young, maybe female.
I just read over muppet's and Ryuko's pieces and I don't think it sounds like either of those.
Dragon?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No and no.
Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
It's so sweet and poignant. It has to be Celia60!
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Elaine
Rereading the excerpt, I wonder why we hear the engine at all after he has stopped the car. Why would he leave it idling?
Is it JaneX?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Ding ding ding!
eslaine got it.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Really? Wow, celia, I liked it, but I hadn't even come close to guessing you!
So, what's the story, does the guy have super hearing of some sort?
Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
Ok, let me start with the inspiration for this out of character peice. In round 25, a certain saxy player said "If celia wrote this I think my universe just might come to an end." which sounded far too much like a challenge. I thought it would be in the second season as I has submitted it so late. I'm sure you realize that means there is no more to show you.
This is a true story that never happened. Todd, a friend of my parents, did indeed rescue a kitten from a drain pipe when I was about 5 and gave him to us. I wasn't there for the actual rescue, but I was at the house when he brought the sopping wet ball of fur in and my father dug up an eye dropper to feed it with. It was far too small to be away from it's mother.
Todd did have exceptionally good hearing, but I think he was actually stopped at a stop sign when he heard Cupcake (because that's what I thought he looked like, a waterlogged cupcake) crying. Cupcake lived a very comfortable 17 years.
So, now I guess I should address your questions and critiques.
Dan, yup, you should have seen the first, this is actually an improvement. I think I'm covering more than I can smoothly convey in a single sentence.
Christy, I think that is covered in my explaination.
jeni, I don't know that there is a higher compliment you can give me than guessing David.
rivka, yeah, but as I posted, I am bothered more that I used 2 'but's so close together. The characterization is intentionally vague as I hadn't decided if I was using Todd or my father as 'he'.
saxy, danke.
scott, danke.
rivka again, I abuse the heck out of commas so I was trying to write in structures that didn't require them.
Scott, he heard it I guess I could have tried to capture all the details in the mental image I had, but I thought including discriptions of the car's open windows or trouble starting or broken radio would have been distracting and kind of boring.
Noem, I told you I'm mistaken for male all the time.
Icarus, first paragraph, yeah, I had to have him hear it. He did hear it, I don't know how. Second, see my description of the car above. This is my father's old Ford Escort, which always sounded like it was about to die. Yeah, it may not work well in a narrative sense, but, that's how it sounds. Thank you for noticing the intentional fragment. His hand, of course, from my vantage point in the car I wouldn't have been able to tell more than that he was reaching, and I like the sound of hand more than arm. Um, since I hadn't picked which he was, there couldn't be more of what kind of person he was .
Scott, thank you again for the praise. The narrator loves cats, is me as a small child (obviously not the car's owner) and thinks everything grown ups do is strange and magical.
rivka, i think you and i have different senses of rythm. "he reached his hand into the pipe" flows more easily to me than "he reached into the pipe" or "he reached his arm into the pipe".
erik, yeah, if i did try to expand this it would probably get dark real fast.
rivka, from my own experience rescuing other animals from the sides of roads with other drivers, i don't think leaving the car idling is uncommon. of course, maybe i just know people with crappy cars that are hard to start.
did i get everyone?
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
I would just like to say that I knew the writer was a female. I should get, like, a million points for noodling that.
Good job, celia.
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
I'm glad you took it as a compliment that I thought you were male, celia. Honestly, I did think it was David's work.
Nice bit of writing, that.
Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
rivka
Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
Muppet, you didn't post?!
You and I always finish together!
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Wow. The queen of mind games at her finest. *applauds*
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Wave]](graemlins/wave.gif)
I had already guessed pixie. For suggesting that I am no one, I will blatantly steal your guess of Geoff. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Cool]](cool.gif)
![[Laugh]](graemlins/laugh.gif)
Elaine![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
.