quote: First contact and this is what it amounts to! National Science Foundation director Herb Sandusky was not a happy man. He sat hunched at his desk, pulling at the remaining hairs in his balding pate. He had named them, individually. He hated to see Ralphie and Jimbo let go that morning in the shower. But today, at work, he barely noticed as veritable tufts wafted from forehead to desk blotter. He held in his hand a bill for "Four Imperial Credits." It didn’t sound like much, but no-one on NSF’s staff knew the exchange rate from dollars to credits, let alone imperial credits. Director Sandusky was getting one of his headaches. It wasn’t helped by the arrival of Ashton Waters III, or rather "number 3" as he was known unenthusiastically around the office. The director lowered his head and stared at an unidentifiable stain on his blotter. Could be pea soup, he thought as he tried to block the image of the gangly youth from his line of sight. Maybe soy sauce? Should probably have it tested.
[ January 20, 2004, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: dkw ]
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Scoring:
Two points for providing critique. Critique must be more substantial than “I like it” or “good flow.” If I’m not sure if something counts as critique, I’ll award one point. Critique points can be earned even after the round is officially over.
One point for guessing, with reason given for the guesses. No points for subsequent guesses, unless you guess right. You can guess as many times as you want each round, but one guess at a time. (You can guess again after I answer your outstanding guess.)
[ January 20, 2004, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: dkw ]
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
I don't have time to critique now, but I'm pretty sure this is Irami. It just sounds like him.
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
I laughed out loud at the naming of the hairs. Great light hearted tone through this piece.
But one thing, he's pulling at them, then he remembers which ones he lost this morning, and yet he doesn't notice more are falling out? That doesn't follow.
Also, if he's named them individually then I don't see how tufts could be falling out - he would have had to do a lot of naming.
The paragraph feels crowded, I think it needs a line break somewhere or two.
I totally got jarred when he suddenly became "Director Sandusky". We already know he's the director, just call him Sandusky or Herb or whatever he's going to be referred to as in the novel.
I had trouble with the description of Ashton appearing, then being interrupted by the description of the stain, and then we go back to the gangly youth in Sandusky's mind.
I'd keep all references to Ashton together, but don't lose the stain discussion, it's very funny.
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
I forgot to guess. Well, it worked last time. The first name in the second column I didn't recognize was imogen.
This time, I bet I'm wrong.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
And you're right!
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Right that you're wrong, that is.
Brinestone's wrong too.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
Round ten? How did we get to round ten? I thought I was online all the time, but apparently I'm missing some key guess the author marathons.
I'll have to think this one over before I critique and guess.
Decision pending...
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
Dang. I was so sure I'd nailed it on this one. Um, well, it seems like someone who is older and probably male, as well as someone who has worked in an office for a while and knows the dynamics. This writer also has a dry, sardonic sense of humor. The prose is somewhat awkward at times, and for some reason, I didn't really get into the passage much. Maybe it just isn't my dish.
Anyway, my two lead suspects now are Bob and afr. I guess I'll guess advice for robots first, since it sounds more like him than Bob.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Whereas I'll guess Bob, because he has more of a Ralphie obsession.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Um, I decline to answer, on the grounds that I don't have time to put together three Guess the Author threads in one day?
::sigh::
It's Bob.
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
Why, oh why, did I choose afr first?
Oh, and dkw, don't feel like you have to do three in one day. I was surprised to even see a second one in the same day!
[ January 20, 2004, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: Brinestone ]
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Well crud...it was THAT obvious?
I was just about to post and guess Ryuko.
Anyway, I could still use more critiques if you have some ideas to help fix it.
Belle, that thing with the hairs started bugging me too. Darnit.
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
First things first, this made me laugh. There are some great bits in here, as Belle mentioned. The author definitely has a handle on comedy. But I think he could use a bit of work on style.
As she said, the paragraph feels crowded. There also seems to be a general lack of organization, a sort of scattered feeling, which makes me think this was thrown together in a hurry. Another thing I think could use some work is the POV. Sentences like "National Science Foundation director Herb Sandusky was not a happy man" and "It wasn’t helped by the arrival of Ashton Waters III, or rather 'number 3' as he was known unenthusiastically around the office" seem to clash with the deeper focus we get in the examination of the stain and the naming of the hairs. It's a little weird to start so far out, then focus in really close, then back off again, then close in again. I think it might work better if you structure the scene so that the POV (the "camera," if you will) only zooms in one direction.
You've got a good comic sense, probably this is very spontaneous in you. Don't be afraid to take your time and analyze your work a bit, reworking the structure here and there.
[Edit: Um, that went a bit faster than I expected... I feel like a bit of a horse's ass, here.]
[ January 20, 2004, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: saxon75 ]
Posted by Julie (Member # 5580) on :
I thought there was some good details, but they seemed a bit jumbled. I still don't quite know where this is leading. Is it a story based on the first contact with a species of intelligent life (as stated in first sentence)? Or was it his first time trying to contact someone about a promotion? How did he name all of the hairs on his head? And the credits: Are they worth a lot of money or a little, and does he have to pay the money or is he getting the money? He seemed upset by it to me, but that isn't quite clear either. Any is that stain important? Or is he just trying to distract himself? Why does he need to test the stain?
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
National Science Foundation made me think that I was going to be reading about a present-day researcher, because the NSF does exist. Then there is the whole "first contact" thing. Did they make contact with an alien civilization? And is that civilization the imperial one? There are a lot of loose ends and it is very jerky and not flowing well.
I'm guessing Dan_Raven but I know he's capable of better than this.
AJ
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
ack.... I spent way too much time on critique! I was close though as I picked an _!
AJ
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
::wonders what Banna called Bob and Dan that was so bad she had to blank it out::
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Well, see, Dan_raven and Bob_Scopatz both have those underscores, and, heh, yeah, they're both real _ as well.
Edit: Gee whiz, miss one day around here and you miss 3 rounds of Guess the Author. This place is definitely going downhill.
[ January 20, 2004, 04:39 PM: Message edited by: advice for robots ]
Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
I think a little rearranging/editing would help. I would leave out the imperial crown bit and leave it to a more fitting introduction. It clutters the paragraph with information. The story has a great feel and a lot of potential. I'm very interested to see what it is all about. Here's my stab at revision, mostly rearranging your sentences:
quote: National Science Foundation director Herb Sandusky was getting one of his headaches. First contact and this is what it amounts to! He sat hunched at his desk, pulling at the remaining hairs in his balding pate. He had named them, individually. He hated to see Ralphie and Jimbo let go that morning in the shower. But today, at work, he barely noticed as veritable tufts wafted from forehead to desk blotter.
Matters weren't helped by the arrival of Ashton Waters III, or rather "number 3" as he was known unenthusiastically around the office. The director lowered his head and stared at an unidentifiable stain on his blotter. Could be pea soup, he thought as he tried to block the image of the gangly youth from his line of sight. Maybe soy sauce? Should probably have it tested.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
I'd agree with you, Christy, except that I think the whole point of the paragraph -- besides introducing us to the Herb the Nebbish -- is to start hinting at a secret first contact with some kind of alien race, and discussing the various bureaucratic annoyances this would entail.
Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
I found the passage to be a fabulous work of understated comedy. I didn't find my self surprised that Bob had written it. Quirky, funny, sublime.
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