I think dialogue is a great way to move a piece of writing along, which is true in this case. However, I think maybe the characters behind the dialogue should be established a little more either at the beginning, or at least through the piece.
I would like it more with more tagging of the dialogue: for example, where the kid says Yes and then is told to be quiet could be tagged by a 'he/she shouted/grated/spat' or any variation. I'm sure the bare dialogue is intentional, but I'm not sure to what purpose.
Finally, this line
quote: Actually, I’m just asking a question
seems awkward to me.
Overall though, I liked it. I guess Eslaine . I think the writer is male and I'm pretty sure Eslaine is too!
[ January 22, 2004, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: imogen ]
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Scoring:
Two points for providing critique. Critique must be more substantial than “I like it” or “good flow.” If I’m not sure if something counts as critique, I’ll award one point. Critique points can be earned even after the round is officially over.
One point for guessing, with reason given for the guesses. No points for subsequent guesses, unless you guess right. You can guess as many times as you want each round, but one guess at a time. (You can guess again after I answer your outstanding guess.)
Dialouge makes things so difficult... I have what I think are two good guesses, but can't think of anything to critique about it!
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
Hmmmm... The dialogue has good pacing and seems well put together. We don't get much characterization out of it, but there is a good sense of urgency propelling the scene along. There is one grammatical error I can see; the word "sunk" in the fourth paragraph should be "sank."
I think I might like to see more characterization, and better POV control. Whose point of view is this from? Because on the one hand, we can see into the boy's head when his heart sinks, but on the other hand, he's referred to as "the boy." Most people don't think of themselves that way. Give the kid a name and this problem disappears. Either that or tell it from the older person's perspective.
I have a suspicion that this was written specifically for this game, and that there is no story that goes with it. Even so, it's pretty good.
Posted by Strider (Member # 1807) on :
that passage was super confusing. I think my head just exploded.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Good, imogen. That means you get to keep track of the guessed/"no"ed lists this round.
I like the dialogue -- it flows well, and has just enough cues to make it clear who is speaking, without a lot of "he said/she said"s. It's intriguing, and draws the reader in, but doesn't tell us much yet. Did he really do it? Or does he know who did? It gets rather confusing at the end.
Grammar/usage stuff: "sunk" should be "sank"; too many uses of "talk" and "tell" (use other synonyms also).
Umm . . . saxon?
[ January 22, 2004, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: rivka ]
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
On the off-chance that this wasn't written specifically for the game, I'm going to guess and say that it's part of a story of Irami's that follows a bit I've seen before. It's not quite his writing style, but I know he's been working on CHANGING his style recently....
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
To quote my brother – “head explody good!”
imogen: no.
everyone else: no.
[ January 22, 2004, 03:27 PM: Message edited by: dkw ]
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Well sure... but I might be going to bed soon (4:42 am here... even jet lag has its limits...) Of course, given the brevity of previous rounds, that won't be a problem...
Guess and no-ed Eslaine Saxon75 Irami
Guessed and not answered, but no by default because Jeni guessed the author Ryuko ScottR T_Smith
Guessed and Yes-ed Tresopax
By Jeni. Again. As I said - spies everywhere!
[ January 22, 2004, 03:39 PM: Message edited by: imogen ]
Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
That was a cool piece as well.
I can find no flaw with the dialog. And I pity the protagonist who, seemingly, may be about to confess to something they did not do.
Intriguing Idea. I'll have to go with writers, so here goes the first:
ScottR Posted by Jeni (Member # 1454) on :
What's confusing about it? I followed it fine, keeping in mind that it's actually a pretty small chunk of dialouge. I think switching "I have a question for you – that’s why I risked revealing myself to you." might read a little easier if it were switched around a bit. Tom took one of my guesses, so I'll go with Tresopax.
[ January 22, 2004, 03:34 PM: Message edited by: Jeni ]
Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
I don't know if we were supposed to laugh at this one, but the way the investiagator(?) uses the questions got to me. He definitely sounds like he came from a New English, guilt-tripping, family much like my mom. And I'm guessing he's talking to an actor, solely because the he's investiagint a director's death. I'm also guessing that by "kid", he means late teens to early adulthood. The whole thing kind of reminds me of...oh, what's that show where he has a shoe/phone?
Anyway, I don't see any spelling or grammar errors, and it flows perfectly. It was easy to tell who was who without the names, so each of the characters had a personality in some way.
One thing I especially liked was how the author used the term "switched" to indicate changing volume. It may sound like a small thing, but I like it because it actually makes sense, unlike anything I've ever used to indicating going from a normal voice to a whisper.
I'm assuming the author is a fan of old PI shows (including Inspector Gadget), but is relatively young. I'm going to say Ryuko.
[ January 22, 2004, 03:34 PM: Message edited by: Da_Goat ]
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
That does it. I'm going to start using quotes from people who aren't even on the guess list.
And Jeni is banned.
(For the next five minutes. Penalty box.)
[ January 22, 2004, 03:38 PM: Message edited by: dkw ]
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
[ January 22, 2004, 03:38 PM: Message edited by: rivka ]
Posted by Jeni (Member # 1454) on :
Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
Wow. These sure have been short lately...
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
She got it? Huh?
Anyway, here's a critique:
quote: "Are you asking me if you killed him?"
I know there's really only one way of saying this, but it took me a few re-readings to get who was speaking and who was asking who what question, especially in, but not limited to, this line.
Perhaps more description of who said what?
Otherwise, I liked this and I want to know who killed whom (who? whom? I can never tell...). For some reason I imagined it on a boat, I have no idea why. Why there should be any form of a Director on a ship, I don't know, but in my brain this was set in the eighteen-hundreds on a passenger liner on the deck.
EDIT: And Jeni, maybe you should try the esp game. You might be quite good....
[ January 22, 2004, 03:45 PM: Message edited by: Teshi ]
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Jealous? Oh no, not I... Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
Gosh, I'd have *sworn* this was Scott R. It just sounds like his work. I would never in a zillion years guessed Tresopax. Good job Tres!
Posted by Tresopax (Member # 1063) on :
Hmmm.... I think I may have made a mistake.... I just realized I mentioned parts of the scene preceding this conversation in Hatrack Chat, while Jeni was there! Not sure if she remembered, but that may have been what gave me away....
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
(4:42 am here... even jet lag has its limits...)![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
![[Wall Bash]](graemlins/wallbash.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Confused]](confused.gif)
![[Grumble]](graemlins/grumble.gif)