quote: On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."
On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship.
On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.
On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97.
On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.
On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves.
On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.
On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.
On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking at? Quit staring at me.
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.
On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.
On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy.
On a tube of hemmoroid medication: Not to be taken orally.
On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
On a wet suit: Capacity, 1
On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.
These were all taken from this English site I'm curious how real some of these are, but the gave me a good chuckle. I'll look through the rest of the site and report what else funny i can find.
Crazy as always, Psychotriad
Posted by Psycho Triad (Member # 3331) on :
quote: The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences.
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
Some others that had me laughing my head off:
quote:Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
quote:David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
[ February 18, 2004, 06:48 PM: Message edited by: Ela ]
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
quote: Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
quote:Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
Richard Lederer is great. Read his books. The only title I can remember is Anguished English.
Posted by Psycho Triad (Member # 3331) on :
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over
The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
Posted by reader (Member # 3888) on :
Many of the warnings posted by Psycho Triad were made up for various contests. There are plenty of REAL warning labels that are just as absurd, though.
quote:A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions: “This product not intended for use as a dental drill.”
A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to “Remove child before folding”
A prescription of sleeping pills says, “Warning: May cause drowsiness
A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns: “Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.”
A CD player carries this unusual warning: “Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult.”
An “Aim-n-Flame” fireplace lighter cautions, “Do not use near fire, flame or sparks”
A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use “while sleeping or unconscious”
A container of underarm deodorant says, “Caution: Do not spray in eyes”
A cartridge for a laser printer warns, “Do not eat toner”
A household iron warns users: “Never iron clothes while they are being worn”
A label with a hair dryer reads, “Never use hair dryer while sleeping”
A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: “Not intended for highway use”
A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, “Do not drive with sunshield in place”
A Bathroom Heater says: “This product is not to be used in bathrooms”
A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: “May irritate eyes”
A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.”
A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: “Caution - Risk of Fire”
A box of birthday cake candles says: “DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.”
A five-inch fishing lure which sports three steel hooks cautions users that it is, "Harmful if swallowed."
Label on a snow sled: "Beware: sled may develop high speed under certain snow conditions."
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
The first microwave I bought when I got my first apartment had a list of things that were not to be put in the microwave, with the standard warning about metal objects. Then there was this one:
"Do not put live animals in the microwave."
Please, please tell me that someone didn't actually do that? Because I always think that absurd warnings come from somebody having actually done it once.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
So either the company was responding the legend, or they were putting the label on because some people had actually done it - even as an act of cruelty.
nassty, cruel, peoples, we hates them, Precious for hurting poor animals, yes we does, Precious!
Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
Argh, my Bill Engvall tape ain't working! Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
quote:Many of the warnings posted by Psycho Triad were made up for various contests.
This one is definitely real - I've seen it.
quote:On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."
Posted by lcarus (Member # 4395) on :
quote:A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use “while sleeping or unconscious”
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
nassty, cruel, peoples, we hates them, Precious for hurting poor animals, yes we does, Precious!
![[Mad]](mad.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)