I need a fluff thread. I need something to make me smile today (the joke thread was good).
Everyone post something totally non-serious and non-homosexual controversy here on this thread, please.
Give me something new to read.
Farmgirl
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
What do you call someone elses' cheese?
Nacho cheese!
(Not yo' cheese)
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
OK, how about a joke. Two Lesbians went to thier wedding and.... oh, you probably heard it already.
never mind.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
What kind of cheese is better than wurst?
Gouda!
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
Cheese jokes! I love it, CT!
FG
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
So these two boys are walking through the woods when they come to a hole. Having no particular purpose in mind for their walk, they naturally stop to inspect the whole. One of them drops a rock down, and wait for the noise of it hitting the bottom. He wait and wait, but no noise comes. So they figure it must’ve gotten stuck on the side. So they find a bigger rock and throw that in. Still no noise. So they go looking for something really big to throw in.
They find a railroad tie, lug it over and chuck it down the hole. Still no noise. Suddenly, a few seconds later, a got comes careening out of no where and jumps headfirst into the hole and still no noise! They are sitting there, pondering it when a farmer comes up to them.
“Either of you boys seen my goat?” the farmer asks? “Well, a goat just came by a little bit ago and jumped into this hole.” “Nah, that can’t be my goat,” responds the farmer, “my goat was tied to a railroad tie”.
Hobbes Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
That joke was Baaaaad.
It got my goat.
The teller needs to be whomped with a Billy club.
My friend Shep herd the joke. I must say, its the worst thing Shep-herd all day.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Found this on a couple of sites:
quote:For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
Or maybe I should have put that on the Interesting, Space-Related News thread.
[ February 25, 2004, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: sndrake ]
Posted by peterh (Member # 5208) on :
A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.
The bartender cringes and asks "Doesn't that hurt?"
The Pirate then leans in and growls "AARRGGHH, It's drivin me nuts."
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
For more cheese-related humor, try the excellent meandering saga of Earthbound Titans: An Epic Melodrama, which is Story 101 at www.talesfromthevault.com . It was a cheesy gem of a group-participation story, and some of the writing was phenomenal. Meet the Man in the Moon, Mr. Wensleydale, and other fine supervillians.
The beginning:
quote:Elise woke up nervous. Sleep hadn't come easy to her the previous night, and now she knew she would walk through the day like a zombie. Yawning, she glanced across the room at the mirror beside her bed. She looked awful. The bruise on the side of her face was swollen, and the edge of her cheekbone was an ugly grey shade, tinged with purple. She grimaced.
It was eight o'clock. She had a half hour to shower, dress, grab a small sandwich, and load her briefcase before starting for the office. She prayed that he would not be there, waiting for her.
Her mouth had a nasty taste to it. Like she hadn't brushed her teeth for weeks. She knew a fresh cup of coffee would help numb her anxiety. She never could stand brushing her teeth in the morning.
Moving to the edge of the bed, she stretched, wincing as her shoulder cried out. She tossed off her blouse, and headed towards the closet for something more suitable. She chose on a plaid suit; perfect for the meeting she had that early afternoon. A lot of makeup would help make her appearance--
" I missed you."
She swung around, alarmed. The dress had fallen to the floor, resting on the tile with a soft bang. Elise swallowed. " How did you get in?"
- Erin, (3/13/97)
He was attempting to lurk in the shadows, which was difficult in a bedroom full of morning sunlight. Still, as lurkers went, he was a professional (well, a licensed amateur, technically), and he was reasonably well obscured in the shadow cast by the open door of the bathroom. Elsie didn't have to see him to know who he was, and his presence here was not welcome.
"I crept in like the darkness," he said. It was one of his favorite lines. "I needed to see you, Lightning Bug."
"Oh for God's sake, don't call me that," she said, more irritated than angry. She snatched her robe and wrapped it around herself. "Quit lurking in the shadows. What the hell do you think you're doing here anyway?"
He stepped out of the shadows and into the light. It was Kenneth Farley, though she was one of the only people who knew that. To the rest of the world, when he wore his blue and black costume, he was only known as The Masked Hornet. Her former partner, her former husband, the father of her daughter, and a complication that she definitely did not need this morning.
"You're hurt," he said, noticing the bruise on her face. "How did it happen?"
"What, don't you watch the news?" she said irritably. She took another sip of coffee and leaned against her dresser. "I took down Brute Force last night."
"Brute Force!" he hissed. The voice modulators in his helmet rarely permitted him to shout without generating feedback. "I've heard of his power... it's said that he's strong enough to bend steel with his eyelids! You were reckless to take him on."
He still treated her like a 15-year old sidekick. "Well, he didn't hit me with his eyelids, so I was okay. It was just a Buick, and it was only a glancing blow. He is safely in custody, I should inform you, and the evidence against him is very strong. It was a successful night. I haven't noticed the Masked Hornet showing up in the papers lately." She couldn't resist the dig.
His mask hid his expression, but she knew his posture well enough to know that he was putting on that hurt puppy-dog look. That look alone had been enough to prolong their marriage for six more months, she estimated. She was mostly impervious to it now.
He changed the subject. "Where's Courtney?"
"Courtney is already at school, and you don't get to visit her until next weekend anyway."
"The court order applies to Ken Farley," he said smugly, "but not the Masked Hornet."
"Don't you even try that with me! That is a clear abuse of the Secret Identity Protection Act, and I will have your armored butt dragged before the Crimefighter Review Board so fast that it'll make your helmet spin, mister!" She was in no mood for this.
"You'd do that to me?" he sounded shocked. "After all we've been through together?"
"In a heartbeat, Ken," she said. It was true, they had been through a lot together, but she felt that any gratitude she owed him had been paid in full a long time ago. She remembered how it was back when she was fifteen, just coming in to her powers. He was a full three years older than her, he'd been a Superhero for two years already, and he seemed to know everything. Oh, how he had charmed her. He had flattered her with praise about her budding electric powers and offered to make her his partner. He gave her the name "Lightning Bug," and they had become a dynamic duo.
"Lightning Bug." That should have been her first clue. The costume he had convinced her to wear should have been another. He'd gotten her to bleach her hair, wear a silly short cape that got in the way, and those damned shorts. They were yellow shorts, no more substantial than a pair of bikini bottoms, but they were laced with a biophosphorescent material that would emit light whenever you ran an electric current through them. Therefore, every time she used her powers, her butt glowed. Ken thought it was a scream. That really should have told her something.
But no, it took seven more years, a marriage, and a pregnancy to open her eyes. Now, she was on her own. She was approaching 30 and she was reasonably secure in her life. She'd taken the name "Voltage," gotten a new (and much more dignified) costume, and made a very nice name for herself in the crimefighting world. She also had a nice job with flexible hours as a real estate agent, she'd finally gotten Courtney into a decent school, and she seemed to have a handle on her own life for the first time.
She'd just be pleased if her ex-husband would stay out of it. ... - China Syndrome, (3/14/97)
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Hey! I love that joke! And no pun, however terrible, will dissuade me of its brilliance.
Hobbes Posted by KarlEd (Member # 571) on :
I could tell you about the time I met Loretta Swit . Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
(includes Ode on the Mammoth Cheese Weighing Over 7,000 Pounds)
quote:... May you not receive a scar as We have heard that Mr. Harris Intends to send you off as far as The great world's show at Paris.
Of the youth beware of these, For some of them might rudely squeeze And bite your cheek, then songs or glees We could not sing, oh! queen of cheese....
[ February 25, 2004, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: ClaudiaTherese ]
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Another thanks to Hatrack and CT specifically. Without this thread, I never, in a million years, would have found this:
quote: TABLE OF CONTENTS Edam and Eve: 1 2 3 4 Cain and A-Bel Paese: 1 2 King Solomuenster: 1 2 3 David and Asiago-liath: 1 2 3 Parmesan the Baptist: 1 Jerusalimburger:
quote:Genesis 1.27:31
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created Edam. 28 God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground." 31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very gouda. And there was evening, and there was morning--the sixth day.
It's actually a straight biblical site - the pictures are much better than the text. The bible illustrated in cheese!
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
UVA beat UNC 74-72 in basketball last night.
Go 'Hoos!
Posted by KarlEd (Member # 571) on :
I'm not really feeling bleu, And velveeta just won't do.
And the swiss was just a miss, and the brie was boring, too.
So to satiate this yearning of my palate, so discerning,
I coulda had some gouda but havarti won my heart.
[ February 25, 2004, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: KarlEd ]
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
*claps for KarlEd
*wink at sndrake, 'cause cheese humor is so ripe Posted by KarlEd (Member # 571) on :
Thanks CT, but I was secretly hoping for a Posted by Olivet (Member # 1104) on :
So, this rich old lady takes her little yap-yap lapdog on safari, and it wonders off. While roaming around in the jungle, it notices a leopard coming is way. Thinking quickly, the dog turnd and begins munching on some nearby bones and growling to himself.
"I sure do love leopard meat! I wish there was another one around here somewhere..."
The leopard looks at the strange, small but ferocious animal and decides to go the other way.
A monkey is hanging out in a nearby tree, and he saw the whole thing. He decides to run after the leopard, and tell her how the dog had fooled her. "She'll want revenge on this little trickster, and I will gain her good will." He runs after the Leopard.
The dog sees him go, and since he doesn't know the way back to camp, decides to stay where he is. When he sees the leopard coming back with the monkey on its back, he turns again to gnaw on the bones, muttering, "Where is tha damned monkey? I sent him to find me another leopard half an hour ago!"
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
KarlEd, would it matter if I was 'ing you in secret, but just didn't want to make too big a stink about it? Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
*gnaws on Olivet and her garnish of parsley
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
I'm not going to comment.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
*wounded
Tom's just being a dip. It was feta'd to happen.
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
That's worth a paté on the back.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Hey, I see nothing wrong with gnawing on someone's parsley, provided it's a matter of mutual consent.
Posted by KarlEd (Member # 571) on :
<snicker> [at Tom]
CT, that's fine. We'll keep it a secret Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Ah, Tom thought I made a lewd reference!
I camembert it.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
KarlEd, you know I think you are just grate. Not only do I respect your intelligence, I am quite fondue as a friend. You are my little hors'doeuvre of love.
Wheel talk about it later in private.
[ February 25, 2004, 11:48 AM: Message edited by: ClaudiaTherese ]
Posted by KarlEd (Member # 571) on :
If you quiche me my boyfriend will get jealous.
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
I met a couple the other day and I thought they said their names were Brick and Brie. I didn't ask if their last name was cheese. Which is good because it turned out just to be Rick and Brie.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Brie? Like the horse?
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
A married couple that are good friends of mine have the names Kelly and Kelle. I would think that would be SO confusing to be married to someone with the same name!
Farmgirl
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
and I thought our friends Erik and Erica were bad!
AJ
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
kat, I have no idea what you are talking about. Like the horse? Is there some region of France called Brie that makes
Oh, wait, is this a Narnia reference?
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
I knew a Bree Chies once. Unfortunately her last name was pronounced ChIes. But we still called her Brie Cheese. Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
quote:Oh, wait, is this a Narnia reference?
Bingo. Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
I wish Bart still called Moe. Those were the jokes that got me into The Simpsons in the first place.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I'd like to whey in on the cheese puns. I think you're all crackers! I'll stop now before I get spread too thin.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
The Christmas Card my Mum sent me last year had lots of pictures of baby cheeses on the front: baby edam, baby gouda, babybel (the stuff wrapped in red wax), all in manger.
The caption was "And There in the Manger was the Infant Cheeses".
quote: Several people, including spectators, were injured at the crazy Cooper's Hill cheese rolling competition
[ February 28, 2004, 04:21 PM: Message edited by: alath ]
Posted by Eaquae Legit (Member # 3063) on :
It's not a joke, but I thought I would comment on last week's festivities in Athens. Pre-lent festival involves dressing up in costume, and then purchasing a plastic sqeeky club and wandering the city streets whacking complete strangers. Silly string and shaving cream are also acceptable methods of attack.
I think we in North America need Whack-a-stranger Day.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
alath, excellent! Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
here's one. it's not "cheesy", but it is funny
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mither, do you keep widdle wabbits?" The store keeper gets down on his knees so as to be on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit!" Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
That joke reminds me of dialogue in a Discworld novel I was just re-reading...
quote: 'Thusan?' She looked around. Her door had been pushed open and a small figure stood there, barefoot and in a nightdress. She sighed. 'Yes, Twyla?' 'I'm afwaid of the monster in the cellar Thusan. It's going to eat me up.' Susuan shut her book firmly and raised a warning finger. 'What have I told you about trying to sound ingratiatingly cute, Twyla?' she said. The little girl said 'You said I mustn't. You said that exaggerated lisping is a hanging offence and I only do it to get attention.'
Aah, Terry Pratchett. Going on a bit of a re-read binge at the moment: Discworld and the Ender series. Sublime to the ridiculous I guess - you choose which is which.
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
well, since Stan left the cheesy jokes and went to youngsters, here's the only joke I actually know. A 3rd grader I tutored years ago taught it to me:
Q: What did the dirt say to the rain?
A: Because of you my name is mud!
You may all laugh now.
Posted by Corwin (Member # 5705) on :
As you get older the second thing you lose is your memory, I can't remember the first...
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
here's another one i found
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American. DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. MARTIN LUTHER KING: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough for us. JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's plain and simple as that. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released XPchicken 2000, which will not only crossroads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please? LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. THE BIBLE: And God come down from the heavens, and said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing. COL. SANDERS: I missed one?
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