OK, so this a question that has been bugging me all evening, and I want more opinions...
...If cavemen and astronauts got into a fight, who would win?
Discuss. Posted by Suneun (Member # 3247) on :
Caveman gets a club, right?
what does the astronaut get? his helmet? funny pants?
Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
No weapons. We're talking strictly hand to hand combat here.
Posted by digging_holes (Member # 6237) on :
Well, if the astronaut doesn't get his helmet, there's no way he can win. Cavemen had thicker skulls and heavier bones. I vote to let the astronaut keep his helmet.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
I vote cavemen because ... they're just tougher, is all.
Edited so as not to spoil the surprise.
[ February 26, 2004, 12:12 AM: Message edited by: Dagonee ]
Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
Shhhhhh! No one else knows where I stole this one.
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
Cavemen would kick. Heck, even cavewomen would kick their little tin plated hineys.
Posted by knightswhosayni! (Member # 4096) on :
cavemen win.
::sniff::
Ni!
Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
Oh, my bad. Should I have said "cavepeople"?
Posted by Sachiko (Member # 6139) on :
Would they be fighting in outer space? Because I think astronauts would have a definate advantage there, what with having oxygen and their brainpan intact.
Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
No, no, not in space. Just an empty field, or a parking lot. Which would win out, the intelligence of the astronauts or the instinct of the cavemen?
Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
Depends on what the fight was about. If it was a fight about or over women, caveman would win. If it was a fight about mathematics, astronaut would win.
Posted by knightswhosayni! (Member # 4096) on :
No weapons, no tricks. Skill against skill alone.
Cavemen still win.
Ni!
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
I don't know about NASA, but I know Starfleet trains all their cadets with ass-kicking martial arts moves.
OK, I don't know why these moves always involves interlocking hands, but they seem to work against the Klingons (at least when Kirk did it). Come on, cavemen are not as tough as Klingons. Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
What about cavemen raised by caveklingons?
Posted by Sachiko (Member # 6139) on :
Raised? For food?
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
Silly Billy... Caveklingons will not raise cavemen, they eat them!
*clubs Sachiko for beating me to the punch*
[ February 26, 2004, 02:20 AM: Message edited by: Beren One Hand ]
Posted by Sachiko (Member # 6139) on :
*wiggles in delight*
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
I'm not beating you with one of those sissy cavemen clubs. I'm using the caveklingon clubs, complete with nine inch long Targ teeth spikes. Bow down human!
Posted by Sachiko (Member # 6139) on :
Who're you calling human?!?
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
Pipe down hew-mon or I will start singing Klingon operas.
Posted by Sachiko (Member # 6139) on :
I thought it had to be bare-handed combat.
Or is the Caveklingon vs. Sachiko a different fight altogether?
Posted by Sachiko (Member # 6139) on :
Hehehehee...I keep giggling over seeing Data do lines...
Wouldn't that be hard in that time? Would you have to replicate hundred-dollar bills?
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
They don't call him powder because of his complexion. Posted by Sachiko (Member # 6139) on :
Posted by Sachiko (Member # 6139) on :
I've been meaning to ask you, Beren...
why "One-hand"?
(edited for silliness)
[ February 26, 2004, 03:01 AM: Message edited by: Sachiko ]
Posted by Frisco (Member # 3765) on :
Why are they fighting?
I mean, did the caveman sleep with the astronaut's wife?
Did the astronaut land his ship on the caveman's favorite spear?
Motive and adrenaline are huge factors. If both the caveman and astronaut are angry or if only the caveman is, I think the caveman has the edge.
While both are in good physical health, a caveman's lifestyle forces him to have superior strength. I mean, yeah, it's great if you can run down a deer, but if you can't drag it back to the cave, the wife's gonna have your head.
"What, you want me to makea the veggie lasagna again? Issa the third night in a row! *hits cavehusband with stone rolling pin* You get back out there and bringa me the deer!"
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
Ewwwwwww... I know, I disgust myself too. Posted by Chaeron (Member # 744) on :
Well, assuming that the caveman we are talking about is genetically identical to modern man, then I think I'd have to put my money on the astronaut because huge advances in nutrition would likely make him much taller and healthier than his prehistoric counterpart.
Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
I agree with Chaeron. The astronaut would be bigger, healthier, stronger, and well trained by the NASA Posted by Frisco (Member # 3765) on :
Well trained to sit in a spinning chair without vomiting, maybe. But not trained to kill a man with his bare hands.
Please, you "astronaut will win" people are crazy.
Even an extra foot of height wouldn't provide enough reach to make a match for the caveman's superior strength or his street smarts.
Posted by Chaeron (Member # 744) on :
Of course, I think the question on everyone's mind is who would win in a fight between Valentina Tereshkova and Lucy.
Posted by Wonko The Sane (Member # 2945) on :
cavesmen/person wins Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Astronaut wins.
Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
Considering most US astronauts and all Russian cosmonauts are also members of the Armed Forces, chances are they have a fair amount of hand-to-hand combat training.
Of course, the caveman will be all dirty and greasy (and B.O. can be a powerful weapon sometimes), plus have long fingernails and toenails. They'd probably be more willing to bite their opponent too, but how bad that is depends on how many teeth the caveman's still got.
Tough one, I'm gonna lay a fiver on the Astronaut.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
What a silly question. Everyone knows that cavemen and astronauts wouldn't fight; they'd team up and fight crime together!
Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
Tom Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Tom, would that make them Astro-lopithecus?
Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
"I'm Astro Man. I've come to save this city with my shiny space suit, doctorate in physics and dedication to the future! New Andertal has... Oh my Lord, what is that thing he has there?!?! Put that down! No, put it down! No! Don't Eat It! Sheesh, fellas can I get back to you on this press release, I've gotta take New Andertal to the Vet, be right back."
Posted by jehovoid (Member # 2014) on :
I'm convinced an astronaut would win because of superior nutrition, conditioning, knowledge of gravity and inertia, etc...
He could also use his more highly developed sense of irony to disparrage the caveman and break his spirits.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
quote:Shhhhhh! No one else knows where I stole this one.
Not quite true. I'll bet CT does, too.
But I have a question:
What kind of caveman we talking here?
Neanderthal? Evidence indicates they were a lot stronger than us physically. One good punch or kick would probably smash spaceman's calcium-leached bones into so many fine splinters.
Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
I think that the astronauts would "amaze" the cavemen with scientific wonders, and the cavemen would worship them as gods.
Damn you drake, you beat me to it, so i removed it.
[ February 26, 2004, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: MEC ]
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
He MEC, it's more fun to let people wonder where this got stolen from. Makes us part of a cool inner circle. Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Yeah, but I was first to know. So I get two: Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
OK, Dag. You get points for being the first person to say something about where it was stolen from.
But I want everyone to acknowledge that until now no one has addressed the deleterious effects of zero-grav on bone density and what it could mean in a fight between a caveman and a spaceman. Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
But the astronauts have the chance to get hit by cosmic rays and get super powers - does that offset the low-gravity effect on bone mass?
I'd bet the Thing's bones are pretty dense.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Cosmic rays and super powers?
And here I thought we were trying to have a serious discussion...
Edited to add: The Thing doesn't have any bones! And it's not a space man or a space woman. Doesn't count at all.
[ February 26, 2004, 01:14 PM: Message edited by: sndrake ]
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Edited to save sndrake's embarrassment.
[ February 26, 2004, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: Dagonee ]
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Thanks, Dag - while you were typing I figured that out and deleted the remark you were replying to. I'm going real short on sleep today. So debates like this are about all I can handle. Mostly. Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
sndrake, ohhhhh yeah. I'm wearing the cool cap too.
My vote? Caveman, due to superior skill at working the terrain. He'd be all, "Ooh, a swing and a miss for the rookie."
So, your brain isn't really functioning on the higher levels, eh? It's pretty much a fire bad, tree pretty, kinda day, I guess.
[ February 26, 2004, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: ClaudiaTherese ]
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
I hate it when my brain is all non-functiony.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Yes. Fire bad. Tree pretty.
Good thing I don't have to be go up and be dazzling in front of an audience today.
(imagines audience of medical professionals, lawyers and bioethicists.)
"Good morning. My life good. Singer bad. Go home now. Bye."
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Maybe they got a pepper bar.
Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
OK, I just need to straighten this out. They aren't battling in space! Haha...just because they're astronauts doesn't mean they're in space, and just because they're cavemen doesn't mean they're in caves.
And, well, I SUPPOSE the astronauts could still have helmets, only because the cavemen would have much stronger bones.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Jeez, Javert. I was just about to thank you for reintroducing some reality into this thread, gently reminding people the fight wasn't actually in space or caves.
But who in heck said anything about helmets???
What's next? Shin guards?
I thought this was supposed to be about who wins, not whether the guys with helmets win?
**puts five dollars down on the troglodyte commencing to pound on the spaceman with advanced osteoporosis.**
**sndrake realizes osteoporosis is a serious medical condition and should not be taken lightly. But sndrake also realizes spacemen picking fights with cavemen are looking for trouble**
Posted by peterh (Member # 5208) on :
What's the prize? If it's something like flint and steel, the caveman might be very interested and the astronaut, not at all.
Conversely, if it were a free subscription to popular science, or geek today, or something like that, then the astronaut would probably be more excited, and the caveman not at all.
Either way, my money is on the one that looks more like a monkey. Do you have pictures of them???
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
I'd say the caveman has a distinct advantage in this fight. They're battling on his turf, not the astronaut's. I say they go for one throw on the ground, and then put on suits and go for one throw in space.
The tiebreaker would be underwater.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
The caveman would have a lower center of gravity, whereas the spaceman would be retaining a lot of fluid centrally from the whole null-G thing.
I'm thinking pop like a water balloon here.
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
A caveman/person could techinically be in very poor health, where as Astronauts tend to be in better health generally.
In that case, I'm putting my money on the Astronaut. But if they are both in their best health, the caveman (the stronger and probably the better fighter) would win.
Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
OK, scratch the helmets.
And, as for the prize? The winners aren't fed to dinosaurs.
Posted by Taalcon (Member # 839) on :
But I say Koalas could beat them ALL. Because Koalas rock.
Posted by The Wiggin (Member # 5020) on :
I can't believe a thing like this has become this long. Especially since I know the origins unless it's been seen in more then one spot. Lets see what a doctor has to say about bone problems with space and all being hit with a big fist. Never mind no need.
Better?
[ February 27, 2004, 12:23 AM: Message edited by: The Wiggin ]
Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
Oh my...wow...I'm sorry, but that is far too many typos for one post. Posted by The Wiggin (Member # 5020) on :
so sue me.
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
It also depends how the caveman and the astronaut met each other. Did the astronaut travel through a worm hole? If so, the caveman will win, because the astronaut may cease to exist if he harms the caveman and thus alter his own timeline. On the other hand, this may be a paradox, where the astronaut was destined to kill the caveman.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
I hadn't considered the metaspace-time concerns. Fascinating.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Well, it is fascinating.
So while space person considers the ramifications of doing anything to caveperson, caveperson clobbers them, thus resolving any worries about temporal paradoxes.
**Make that ten dollars on the cave dweller**
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Oh, sure. You'll buy wormholes and time travel paradoxes but not comsic-ray-induced super-powers?
Sheesh, show some consistency!
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Am caught. Again.
[ February 27, 2004, 09:59 AM: Message edited by: sndrake ]
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Hey, Javert...
Are you fighting the temptation to rename this thread?
"Will disagreements about spacemen and cavemen rip hatrack apart?"
**written by sndrake's evil twin**
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
When I think about this thread (and I think about it more than I would care to admit), I always picture Calvin as Spaceman Spiff, battling it out with Moe the Caveman. Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
Dagonee, have you not considered that maybe the cosmic rays could change the cavemen too? Just think of it... CAPTAIN CAVEMAN!!!!!! Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Clearly you have to travel to space for cosmic rays to grant superpowers. All the great authorities say so - Lee, Kirby, etc. The magnetic field of the earth screens them out.
Now, there are other ways to get superpowers that might happen to a caveman: mutation, exposure to gamma radiation, radioactive animal bites, finding an ancient divine weapon, being appointed the guardian of justice in your quadrant of the galaxy, being the chosen champion of good empowered by stolen demonic essence, being selected to be the herald of a gigantic planet-eating being, selling your soul to a demonic presence, dedicating your life to the study of mystical forces, building a sophisticated suit of armor and sledgehammer-weapon, finding the lost sword Excalibur, getting turned into a vampire and getting your soul restored by gypsies, being the subject of super-soldier experiments, receiving cybernetic implants, moving to a planet with less gravity and a brighter sun, experimenting on youself with a shrinking/growing ray, and, last but not least, coming back on the anniversary of your death to avenge a loved one.
But I thought we wanted to stay realistic - few of these seem likely to happen to a caveman.
Dagonee PS, Captain Caveman would undoubtedly win if weapons were allowed, but without his club he's a wimp. Posted by peterh (Member # 5208) on :
Perhaps the astronaut is a caveman.
Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
NO MASCOTS ALLOWED!
...I don't know why...just because. Posted by Kama (Member # 3022) on :
Can I be a cheer-leader?
Posted by Derrell (Member # 6062) on :
I don't know who's gonna win the fight between the caveman and the astronaut, but can I sell tickets?
Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
Yeah, Derrel, sure...but seeing as I'm the promoter, I have to be given the best seats, ok?
Now, can anyone think of any other fights that would be interesting? I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, that the cavemen seem to be victorious in this bout.
Posted by Derrell (Member # 6062) on :
Javert, not only do you get the best seats, but I'll give you 10% of the take.
Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! Posted by Derrell (Member # 6062) on :
Javert, we need to come up with some cool new bouts to promote. Any ideas?
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
I want the T-shirt concession!
Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
Will you guys accept half-eaten hot dogs as legal tender?
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
Roman gladiator vs. modern day Navy Seal
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Da_Goat,
Just a tip on selling. Your sales pitch would be more effective if you stressed the fact that the hot dogs are half UNeaten. Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
Hear yee, hear yee! The next bout is about to take place.
Thanks to the wonderful suggestion of the beautiful Ms. Belle, the match will be as follows:
Roman Gladiators vs. Navy Seals. We are now taking bets!
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
Er...are we talking now or 2000 years a go?
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
I don't know, Seals are a lot more vicious than people think. Did you know they have claws on their flippers? The ones the Navy keeps in San Diego are pretty brutal sometimes.
Oh, you mean the other kind of Navy Seal...
Demi Moore could kick Russel Crow's a...er...bottom, so I vote Seals all the way.
Dagonee
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
How about a Navy Seal against a dolphin?
In deep water, of course, before anyone asks. Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
Is it one of those dolphins that the Russians used to patrol their harbors?
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Let's keep it simple. Just a simple unarmed dolphin against an unarmed Navy Seal. I see it as a grudge match for the dolphin - harboring deep-seated rage against human exploitation of his brothers and sisters for entertainment porpoises.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Dolphin the fish or dolphin the mammel? It makes a difference?
And if it's the rabid dolphin from One Crazy Summer all bets are off.
Dagonee
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
1. Mammal
2. Not the rabid dolphin in the grossly underrated "One Crazy Summer."
3. Sheesh. What does a person have to do to get a pun noticed? Hit someone over the head with a mackerel?
(I'm just too darn subtle for my own good)
[ February 28, 2004, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: sndrake ]
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Technically flippers are evolved from arms, so I didn't see it as a pun...
Edit: How's that for CYA?
[ February 28, 2004, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: Dagonee ]
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
If it's an unarmed navy seal, I think anyone would be crazy not to bet on the dolphin.
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
quote:human exploitation of his brothers and sisters for entertainment porpoises.
"PORPOISES instead of PURPOSES," sndrake screamed at his computer screen. "Fins???!!! Where did that come from?"
"Has it really come to this?" he pundered.
(settles down and has a good sob over the increasingly literal-mindedness of the universe)
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Hehe, I knew I could get you. Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Yeah, you got me.
Unless, it's just another bit of CYA. Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Mwahahahahahahaha. Either way, I got you.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
i don't like hot dogs. how about chicken wings? what about beverages? oh yeah, ummmmm navy seal just to stick to my boys. don't try the marines, jarheads could never handle a gladiator. Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
What if one of the austronauts had a cold? Could the cavemen's immune systems deal with a twenty first century virus?
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
*Bump for mr_porteiro_head's benefit.*
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
quote:The crew of long-duration flights aboard the International Space Station (ISS) experience almost the same rate of bone loss as Russian cosmonauts nearly a decade ago, a process that may make them more vulnerable to injury later in life, according to a new NASA-funded study.
The article goes on to say that NASA researchers strongly advise against spacemen or women getting into fights with cavemen.
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