We are selling kitsch items here for use in commemorating unimportant events in our lives. Feel free to suggest new stock we should acquire. So far, our catalog includes:
1. The "mackillian" foam finger --I-- to commemorate mack's latest landmark achieved, or her book publication, or just because we like her spunky attitude about something.
2. The gay marriage kit consisting of a legally void marriage contract, two gowns or two tuxedos (you choose model A or B) and a handful of Minute Rice. Use it whenever the day at Hatrack has become too conventional.
3. The Newbie Guide to Hatrack Hygeine Self explanatory. Should be on every bookshelf or coffee table.
4. The God you Say/It's Sacrilicious coffee mug. One side has a witty but slighly off kilter saying about God, the other has important instructions on what to do in the event of a smiting. The life you save may be your own.
5. The <insert here> multipurpose tool. It has more blades than a bad Errol Flynn movie. There are also widgets and doodads galore. Every thing you need to help you insert things into other things in a generic sort of way.
Posted by Eaquae Legit (Member # 3063) on :
quote:4. The God you Say/It's Sacrilicious coffee mug. One side has a witty but slighly off kilter saying about God, the other has important instructions on what to do in the event of a smiting. The life you save may be your own.
Posted by Amka (Member # 690) on :
I'm stunned, Bob. Speechless.
Minute Rice? Don't you KNOW how harmful that is to birds?
That is SO unPC. It's birdseed now, dude.
Posted by Da_Goat (Member # 5529) on :
I think we should use gravel.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Amka...that was the point. Minute rice...it's against nature. The stuff is parboiled to no longer resemble rice as God intended it. And it kills birds...
Oh well...
It's a stretch, but there was a joke in there. I promise.
So, what other products should we sell?
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
gravel...LOL...that's a good substitution. The guests could engage in a ritual stoning of the happy couple.
[ March 18, 2004, 02:04 AM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
I've been waiting at work for when I get the order for a wedding cake topper that includes two grooms or two brides... Hasn't happened yet, but someday...
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
We should throw fire crackers at weddings. Those explode real good!
Thanks Ryuko!
New Products Added today!!!
The Papa Moose Guide to Onanism; Study Guide and Lab Manual -- A large format book that takes two hands to carry, accompanied by a glossy pamphlet with all the relevant scripture verses and a quiz to help young people decide whether Onan was sinning against God or against himself. Five full color illustrations. A seminal work in the field.
Bob's Giant Book of Dream Imagery - abridged. You've heard of it. You've seen it used repeatedly here at Hatrack. Now, own your very own copy of this ground-breaking book brought down to a manageable size through careful editing and basically just lopping off the last 2/3rds of the entries.
[ March 18, 2004, 09:09 AM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
Posted by Beca (Member # 4340) on :
If you created any of those things (especially the sacrilicious mug) at someplace like www.cafepress.com, I would TOTALLY buy one. Or 20.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Beca, your link has a comma at the end of it...
I like the store there that has fractal designs turned into art. Very cool.
Posted by luthe (Member # 1601) on :
Perhaps if we through grits at weddings we can kill a few birds. If ants eat some grits they die, not that birds really have any relationship with ants.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Bob I was thinking you should send some of your "sacrilicous" commments to Readers Digest. This months issue had a bunch that were soooooooo old and lame and un-Bob and been around on e-mail forever. And they paid the guy that submitted them at least $100 too.
AJ
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Clearly "Poisioning Pidgeons in the Park" is a must have item in the Hatrack novelty kit.
AJ
Posted by Amka (Member # 690) on :
Ryuko, I didn't say it was true, I said it was unPC. There actually is a difference.
Poor Bob and I, always misunderstood.
Posted by lcarus (Member # 4395) on :
quote:A seminal work in the field.
-o-
The Icarus Mood Ring: Lets other posters know what kind of mood you are in, so they are not blindsided by your sudden shifts. Feeling sensitive today? Are you being snarky or serious? If people can't always tell when to take you seriously, or when to avoid you altogether, you need one of these!
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
The Ice-cream flavor choice compatibility chart for couples -- a high quality poster-size chart showing the best (and worst) choices for you in a mate based on your mutual love for particular ice cream flavors. This one covers the basics. For more advanced study, we recommend:
The Ice-cream Personality Profile Analytic Software Package. It's a multi-disc system with lookup tables covering flavor, toppings, types of container and even the preferred hardness at time of ingestion. A special feature allows you to input the choices of two (or more) people to determine their strengths and weaknesses as a couple. Expensive, but worth it.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Icarus, we'd like to carry your item. Please send 2 gross to the usual P.O. Box.
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
Cedrios Detection Kit. Ever wondered whether that seemingly-innocuous screenname belonged to the infamous Cedrios? Idly comparing vaguely remembered posts and gleaned tidbits of info from others to recent posts to try and detect a cedonym? Are you worried YOU might be Cedrios??? Fear no more. With the Cedrios Detection Kit, you can find him in no time, and reveal his trolling ways. BURN HIM!! A WITCH!!!
(includes name tag for labelling Cedrios when found, and lists of incriminating IP addresses...)
[ March 18, 2004, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: Ryuko ]
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
The Bob-O-Matic Thread Killing Pun. Place it at the end of a thread and watch the thread wither and die.
The Moose and Squirrel Jealousy Dart Set. Its a fun, stress relieving game where you throw darts at our targets every time OSC mentions either of then in any of his books.
The Engineers Guide to Hatrack Geek Jokes This 20,000 page guide, written by the JEC (Jatraquerro Engineer's Club) goes into all the necessary theory, diagrams, and science to explain each of the Geek and Engineering jokes found within the last 5 pages of Hatrack Threads.
Posted by peterh (Member # 5208) on :
Oooh, I need that geek guide. Although I have always had engineer friends, I'm just not that way. (Not that there's anything wrong with that)
It would be great to be able to decipher what the heck they're talking about.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Unfortunately, the guide isn't much help. Its written in Classic Geek, which, while not a dead language, should be.
Posted by Nato (Member # 1448) on :
Ralphie Luv Poster This 24 x 36 in. print lets the incomparable Ralphie into your bedroom every day. And what could a young man want more than Ralphie in his room?
Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
The Hatrack Movie Guide The first chapter is taken up with wild speculation about the script, casting and actual shooting date of "Ender's Game." Other chapters are devoted to Star Trek Movies (separate chapters for the odd and even numbered ones), Mel Gibson's Passion, movies to be made of cancelled television series and the fruitless hunt for "It doesn't do anything. That's the beauty of it."
[ March 18, 2004, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: sndrake ]
Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
The Pat and Jon Boy Multiple Username Generator: Bored with your regular username? Well, the PJBMUG can free you from your monotony! Just enter in your information, and the Generator does the rest! Guaranteed to confuse and annoy the general population of Hatrack.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Ryuko...that was the funniest thing I've read on Hatrack in several weeks!!!
Posted by Tammy (Member # 4119) on :
I'd like to immediatly order one copy of the following:
The Pat and Jon Boy Multiple Username Generator
Next day delivery please.
Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
How many addresses would you like that shipped to?
Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
Mafia Stabbed-in-the-Back Letter Opener Do you miss that feeling of betrayal everytime you open up to someone in a rousing game of mafia, only to find yourself stabbed in the back? Do you long for that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach you get when you realize you've just been had? Now you can get that feeling of humiliation and betrayal everytime you open a piece of mail.
Disclaimer : Should not be used on actual mafia players no matter how much you think they deserve it. Posted by jehovoid (Member # 2014) on :
The Word of the Day Calendar.
What? They already make these? Oh well.
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
I think I have some fluff around here somewhere.
[ March 18, 2004, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: Brinestone ]
Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
That's awesome, Zan. I'll take a whole case.
Posted by Tammy (Member # 4119) on :
zgator...only one. To be shipped to my current address.
I can't remember any previous or alias addresses...duh.
Oh forget it... even my current address is invalid.
I'm so obsolete.
[ March 18, 2004, 02:39 PM: Message edited by: Tammy ]
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
The "I am not a Troll" T-shirt
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
KCards Sure Fire, +5 Anti-Troll Whip Guranteed to beat the nasty troll into submission, or drive them from our midst in tears of anguish. **WARNING** Do not use indiscriminately. Whippings are for trolls, not newbies. Burnation is for newbies.
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
Emoticon Detection Software This nifty software will detect and vaporize any and all emoticons before the page loads so that your eyes are not injured or offended in any way by their impertinent and smug presence in posts and threads.
Begging the Question - Unabridged Get all gazillion cheesy questions and their hilarious answers in a handsome leather-bound book that also requires both hands to carry.
Posted by Derrell (Member # 6062) on :
Bob, how about a troll detection sword. It would start glowing when there are trolls nearby the way Frodo's sword glowed when orcs were nearby. The sword could then be used to dispatch said trolls from Hatrack.
edited for spelling
[ March 18, 2004, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: Derrell ]
Posted by Bokonon (Member # 480) on :
This thread reminds me of Sifl & Olly.
*sigh*
-Bok
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Narnia, could we ger an Emoticon User Device that zaps people using the emoticons?
Ouch. Who did that?
Un-Pixilation Pill and Gush Umbrella This has little to do with our Pixie, but is a pill to releive romantic Pixilation and a Gush proof umbrella for those emergencies when you find youself trapped in one of the gushier romantic threads.
World Religions Course 108 A rundown of all the worlds religions, and unreligions, by various experts from Katherine to Belle, Dana to Rivka and many more. See biblical passages translated, numeralized, and enlightened by not one or two, but 10+ different churches, denominations, and the occasional wacko. See discussions on Judaism, Jehovah Witnesses, Islam, Buddhism, Aethism, Wica, and even the Church of Bob, plus more. Act now and get a free Book of Mormon with every purchase.
This is course work. Passing this course gives you .314... course credit minutes. Passing this course does not give the student any religious position or title.
Posted by JohnKeats (Member # 1261) on :
The Scopatzian Post Count Elevator Kit - contains all the tools you'll need take your post count to the moon and beyond. Includes time management software to help keep you on track and a thread topic generator to give you ideas to keep pumping out threads ad absurdum. The real meat here is in the secrets and tricks manual that details every method by which Bob Scopatz accumulated his colossal post count. Learn copy & paste and other shortcuts to seemingly meaningful posting styles.
One size fits all.
Disclaimer: while we guaruntee that your post count will begin to rise at a rate similar to Bob Scopatz's, the Scopatzian Post Count Elevator Kit will not make you as intelligent a poster as the original Bob. Ever.
Only heart attack and arthritis occured more often with the Scopatzian Post Count Elevator Kit than with a placebo.
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
HAAAAAAAA!
That was awesome!!
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
Tom Davidson All-Natural Herbal-Formula Post- Count Enhancer:
-It got me to 14000 first! TD of California
-No batteries or painful injections!
-No side effects!
Statements have not been evaluated by the FDA Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
We need a link to mack's book. *grin* That's a hatrack novelty item you can actually *buy*!
Also: K.A.M.A. O/S for the P.C. (Mac version coming soon!)
Pros: Completely A.I. Hotter than Heck Multilingual
Cons: Completely A.I. (don't make any sudden moves towards her harddrive!) Hotter than Heck (requires actual refrigeration unit) Multilingual (curse words in Polish sound purrrrty!) Only John L can make her work
(edited for formatting)
[ March 18, 2004, 08:16 PM: Message edited by: jexx ]
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
The Baldar Ban-O-Matic which removes social inhibitions to the point where you'll post any darn fool thing that comes into your head, including defiant jeremiads against our very own hosts and moderators. Guaranteed to get your entire ISP delisted.
The Dobienator 2000 which will lampoon any thread title even when the lampoon isn't even remotely funny.
The Dobienator Plus! Upgrade kit which will add some much needed filtering to your Dobie thread creations so that only the truly funny ones get through.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
The Debobulizer It takes away the pain of and helps you efficiently use the muscles involved in laughing, in order to get a trim tummy.
Disclaimer: We take no responsibility for cheek pain Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
Well, these things all SOUND good, but where's the testimonials?
huh?!
*savvy consumer*
[ March 19, 2004, 01:36 AM: Message edited by: fallow ]
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Well...I have a copy of mack's book and it's an actual book with words and a cover and everything! I haven't read it yet because my reading time is almost zero of late. Can't figure that out at all!
Posted by lcarus (Member # 4395) on :
He also has a free chapter from Cor's book that he has not read . . . Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
What!!! I do not!
What free chapter are you talking about? Did I take something with me and lose it????
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even my current address is invalid.![[Laugh]](graemlins/laugh.gif)
HAAAAAAAA! ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
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