Hatrack River Forum: Critiquers needed por favor, part II

This is topic Critiquers needed por favor, part II in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.

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Posted by CalvinMaker (Member # 2032) on :

I have a new short story I was hoping some of you might be willing to critique. Any takers?

Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :

I'd love to.

fallow

Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :

Sure, just e-mail it to me. I read pretty fast, so I would love to help out.

Kwea

Posted by CalvinMaker (Member # 2032) on :

Fallow-sent

Kwea-what's ur email addy?

Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :

I'll critique it.

Posted by tt&t (Member # 5600) on :

Has it changed since I read it? If so, I'd be happy to read it again. [Smile]

But you knew that. [Razz]

Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :

I read it last night, after you IM'd me, and I will read it again today.

First Impressions were pretty good. I think you need to rearrange the order of it a bit, as it was sort of choppy. The set up of the world should come first, using the intro as exposition. Trying to slide the fact that everyone has super powers in the middle of the story weakend the overall effect of the last line.

I do like the concept behind the story, and it's a cool one-liner at the end, but if you fleshed out the world a bit more, and earlier in the story, it would strengthen the overall effect.

Also, what powers do the FEDS have? Don't make it too easy for her to escape. That way when she does it will seem even more impressive.

Perhaps she does have a power the whole time, but it's initial effects are too subtle to notice; perhaps that is why Nate trusts her so quickly? Then the last line could become "I'll never be powerless again", or something like that.

Great idea, and pretty good writing over all.

Kwea

Posted by CalvinMaker (Member # 2032) on :

Scott R--sent.

Kylie--Did I ever send you the finished first draft, or did you just read the partial draft?

Kwea--You raise a bunch of good points. I'll make appropriate changes in the next draft. Thanks for reading it.

Posted by tt&t (Member # 5600) on :

Um, partially finished I think. Send it anyway and I'll find out. [Smile]

Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :

No problem, I enjoyed it....both the story itself, and proofing it. Not that I corrected any spelling or grammer.

That's what we write drafts for, right?

Kwea

Posted by larisse (Member # 2221) on :

CM,

I'd love to, but I am afraid you think I take too long with those critiques, seeing as I have yet to send you the other one back. I do promise to get them back to you. I actually do have something to send you. I just haven't been able to type it up just yet.

So... if you don't mind a wait, I would like to read it as well. I enjoy your writing.

Posted by CalvinMaker (Member # 2032) on :

Kylie and Larisse--sent

Thanks again to everyone who's helping out.

Posted by Yank (Member # 2514) on :

Heck, I'm unemployed right now. I'd be happy to do it. I believe my e-mail link still works.

Posted by CalvinMaker (Member # 2032) on :

Sent.