So, I've been away for a long while. I haven't even been lurking. But, I have missed Hatrack and I've been trying to read and catch up. I wanted to share my happy news with those of you who remember who the heck I am; and ask a question to you and those of you who have no idea who I am.
My honey proposed on Valentines Day. Cliche, I know, but sweet still the same. The big day is May 29th. Short engagment for many, but long in the LDS world. We'll be sealed in the St. Louis temple, and my mother is throwing quite a bash later in the day.
So for you married or engaged people here's my question: Did you suffer from cold feet? If so, in what form and how severe?
If not, why do you think you didn't? And, do you think you should have?
Posted by Kama (Member # 3022) on :
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
I had no cold feet at all, but then I loved her the moment we met, dated her for three years, and lived with her for over a year. I think SHE still got a bit nervous, though.
----
How long were you two dating before he popped the question?
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Welcome back!
No cold feet for me, but I understand that it's a pretty common experience.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Congratulations on your happiness, aretee.
For me, first marriage = cold feet (I kept thinking "someone should stop me," and I should have done it myself. ).
Second marriage = no doubts, just a quiet and sure eagerness to get on with our lives together.
Posted by aretee (Member # 1743) on :
Okay, Claudia I have this part: "no doubts, just a quiet and sure eagerness to get on with our lives together."
But there are times, when I get really irritated that I think, "Do I really want to put up with this for the rest of eternity?" That's the thought that scares me.
Of course things are usually resolved quickly and I know he has to deal with my many deficiencies. I want affirmation that those feelings are typical. I am not questioning my decision to marry. I just don't want to supress something now that will only fester and explode later. Does that make sense?
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Well, I think it depends on what KIND of irritations those are. If they're irritations you can live with, for example, you can live with them.
The difference between irritations you can live with and irritations you can't, in my opinion, is time. That's why people who don't date for a while first are pretty much shooting themselves in the foot.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
What Tom said. Posted by aretee (Member # 1743) on :
Yeah. We've dated for two years. We have made vast improvements in our conflict resolution. I think that is ample time for our situation. He was going to propose a year ago, but decided there were things he needed to work out in his head and heart. He didn't propose until he was ready.
I'm glad I started this thread. I got my daily affirmation.
Thanks, guys. I missed Hatrack.
[ April 15, 2004, 01:39 PM: Message edited by: aretee ]
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
First marriage = resignation more than cold feet. Resignation like, "Well, if it doesn't work out, we can always get divorced." And we did, 7 years later.
Second marriage = the closest I got to cold feet was minutes before I was to walk down the aisle, I thought, "Okay, if you're going to run, this is your last chance." My response was instant...my body relaxed and I felt very happy, like this was the absolute right thing to do.
There were times during our engagement when I wondered if he really was the right guy for me. But the answer always came back "Yes." Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
I had random episodes of cold feet, especially within the first two weeks of our engagement. They had to do with really silly things, such as Jonathon's food preferences as opposed to mine (I love veggies, he really . . . doesn't). Ultimately, I was glad for these episodes, since I decided to go forward with the marriage anyway (after all, who breaks off an engagement over food?). My decision to not care about those little things helped me to realize that they weren't worth getting upset over later in our marriage. Not that I never get upset, but yeah. Eternity is a long time, and sometimes the magnitude of living with someone who doesn't like veggies for ever and ever seems bigger than it is. What I've found is, if I can live with it today, I can live with it tomorrow. And the next day.
But if you can't live with it today, I'd consider reconsidering, if you catch my meaning.
Posted by Paul36 (Member # 6339) on :
Since every relationship is different, I think that you're going to find couples and people that had cold feet where the marriage is fine and some that aren't. As well, people who didn't have cold feet whose marriage had lots of problems and those that didn't.
In the end, you have to trust yourself and your feelings and trust completely in your fiance. Doubts are normal IMO. Questioning if this is right is also normal and healthy. Do you have faith enough in each other to persevere when times aren't so good?
I knew my wife for only 4 weeks when we found out she was pregnant. We had a shotgun wedding 3 weeks later. While I knew I loved her even before we knew she was pregnant, we both had our doubts. 16 years later... we're doing well considering. Virtually no one advised us to get married... but we followed our hearts and trusted in each other.
Good luck and best wishes!
Posted by aretee (Member # 1743) on :
Yes, I catch your meaning. And I am even more encouraged. I can run right now, if I want. But I don't want. The things that irritate me are minute, and really just don't matter.
So, I'm normal. Yea, me!
Posted by lcarus (Member # 4395) on :
aretee!!!!!
Neither of us had cold feet, but then, we lived together first. I understand that that's not an option for everybody, but it really allowed us to iron out kinks and know exactly what we were getting into.
Posted by aretee (Member # 1743) on :
Wow, Paul. I think that says a lot about your dedication and commitment. I'm impressed because that had to be a very difficult situation.
I think most marriages end because one or both parties are incapable or unwilling to live up the commitments they made. Very few occur because the people stopped loving one another. The reason many divorces are so bitter is because the people still love each other so much, that is it too painful to deal with the failure of the marriage.
Divorce is not an option for me. If I get too frustrated, I'll just have to kill him.
That last statement is in no way meant to be judgemental of those who are divorced. I also realize that it is a very naive statement to make since I have never been married and have little idea of what I face. But my fiance has been married before and he does know. We have talked about many potential problems and we have tried to be proactive.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Congratulations!
Posted by unicornwhisperer (Member # 294) on :
Congratulations!
I didn't have much cold feet really. I know I didn't sleep very much the night before, because I was probably excited. The engagement is just right by the way. That's how long Marlozahn and I were engaged and we actually wanted to elope a couple times because it was getting to be too long. Posted by aretee (Member # 1743) on :
Thanks, y'all.
Where's Ralphie? I love reading her posts on marriage.
RALPHIE!?!
Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :
Congratulations!!!!
I don't remember having cold feet before marrying slacker. I don't remember doubting even for an instant that I was doing the right thing. I know there were little things (like Brinestone mentioned - I like veggies, he doesn't, etc.) that I thought and wondered about, but nothing that made me want to re-evaluate our impending marriage. Yes, eternity is a long time, and sometimes seems really scary, but I told myself that if he was sure he wanted to be with me for eternity (which he assured me he did) and I was sure I wanted to be with him for eternity (I honestly could not imagine my life without him), then eternity would be just fine.
We've been married almost 2 years (our anniversary is on May 23rd ). We had gotten engaged on New Year's and had been dating for about four months before our engagement. Kind of quick, but we both knew we wanted and should get married, so there was no reason to wait longer.
Posted by Rhaegar The Fool (Member # 5811) on :
No cold feet here, but then again I've never been married, and my desk is over the radiator...
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
Congratulations! The beauty of marriage is that when you have cold feet, there is no better way to warm it up than to rub them against your husbands. In the famous words of my mom, "If I can't sleep, you can't sleep!"
Out of curiosity, do people print out these threads and save them as part of their wedding scrap book? Posted by romanylass (Member # 6306) on :
Congrats, and blessings!
Posted by Pixie (Member # 4043) on :
Aretee!!!!! ::hugs:: You were one of the first people to really welcome me here two years ago. It's been so long!
Congratulations!
As for cold feet... Paul (whom you'd know from here on the forums as BlackFox) and I became engaged a little over a year ago. It goes up and down but when he's here with me there are never any doubts. Holding on in between is the hard part. But you know what? We made it through an entire war together and we'll make it through these times too. The most important thing is that you want to make it through and that you are determined to do so. As cliche as it sounds, if you have that much and it's meant to be, the rest just falls into place. Best wishes to you!
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
"I had random episodes of cold feet, especially within the first two weeks of our engagement."
Wouldn't that be, like, a significant percentage of your engagement? Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
*slugs Tom in the arm*
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
I never had cold feet, and was pretty ecstatic for my whole wedding day. People tell me they've never seen me smile so much.
I guess it's less surprising when you know that we dated for over 6 years and lived together for over 1 year before we tied the knot. Although, I was ready to propose after the first year we dated, but she said she wanted to wait for that until after college. We called ourselves "engaged to be engaged."
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
Aretee!!! Congratulations on your engagement!!!!
Nice to see you around here.
Cold feet? I was scared to death on my wedding day. But that's a whole story. After falling madly in love while in Israel, my husband and I dated on and off again for 5 years, and he couldn't make up his mind to get married. I finally said we either get married or I am hitting the road. (I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to have children.) So he asked me to marry him and I said yes - but at that point I wasn't really sure it was the right decision anymore.
Our first year was really rocky.
We have been married for 19 1/2 years now. We will celebrate our 20th anniversary in September.
**Ela**
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
Artee, you probably don't know me yet. Congratulations!
My engagement was about that long. Did I get cold feet? Heck yeah! But ours was an unusual courtship, so many things we had to deal with don't apply to most couples.
If I might leave you with a bit of advice as an LDS, if you feel certain that he loves God AT LEAST as much as he loves you, most of the other things can be worked out. IMO, it is worth it to be married to such a man.
Posted by BYuCnslr (Member # 1857) on :
I've missed you! Though, I don't have much to say, but I'd like to give you a wonderful congrats...though hopefully you'll be able to give me some advice once you figure everything out? :: glad to have you back :: Satyagraha
Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
quote:Wouldn't that be, like, a significant percentage of your engagement?
Let's see . . . two weeks out of thirteen . . . is 15 percent significant?
Posted by LadyDove (Member # 3000) on :
Congratulations aretee!
I think that having doubts during your engagement is not only okay, but good. It means you're really thinking about this commitment you're making.
When I had doubts, for me it always came down to one question, "Will I be happier with him or without him." I couldn't picture myself without him, so I said yes when he surprised me with a wedding on my birthday.
Many of the things that irritated me about my hubby are the required flip side to those things I most value in him: He's impetuous/never boring; he's blunt/honest; he is obsessive/passionate about what he does.
I could go on, but I think you get the idea.
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
Amen to LadyDove.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Congratulations!
And welcome back. I wondered where you'd got to.
No cold feet for me so far, but since we've still got almost a year left 'til the wedding, I wouldn't expect it yet!
Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
Congratulations ! I'm getting married in about 3 weeks, and I'm totally stressed... Because I would like everything to go fine on D-Day, but I'm sure Vinnie and I will have a great life. I guess it's different for everyone, and it's easier to be sure of your choice when you live with the man since 3 years. One of the good sides of living together before wedding Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
Congratulations! What a lovely, lovely Spring!
I've never been married, so I can't really comment on your question, but when I was engaged I had a repeated, sinking feeling as I realized he wasn't ready yet and hadn't admitted it to himself, much less me. I hung in there until he was ready to admit it to himself, at least, although I think he still blamed me for forcing the issue to a resolution. Anyway, sinking feeling=bad. You sound like you have nothing to worry about, just normal nerves, especially considering that you'll be marrying into a full family. Big change.
Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
Congrats, Leslie!
(When have I said something cool on a marriage thread?)
Posted by plaid (Member # 2393) on :
aretee!
wondered where you'd gone to... anyway, congrats!!
Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
Congratulations, aretee! I'm so glad you're posting again - I've missed you.
I didn't have cold feet about the marriage, but I did have major nerves about the wedding.
Posted by dangermom (Member # 1676) on :
I didn't see this before. I was nervous for the whole engagement, probably mainly out of habit. I was very marriage-phobic. I knew it was a good idea, though. And once the ceremony was over, I relaxed completely and was absolutely happy. We've been married over 8 years now.
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
Rich and I dated for 4 years and were engaged for 4-5 months before we got married. I never had cold feet but I'm pretty sured that Rich was scared silly through our entire engagement.
My only question for you is "Are you in love with him or are you in love with the idea of being married?" Too many Mormons get married because they are in love with the idea (or perhaps I should say 'fantasy') of being married. I think such relationships are headed for trouble.
Every relationship has rough spots, yours will. The only question you really need to ask is if he is worth the trouble. If he is, remember that.
Posted by aretee (Member # 1743) on :
I'm doing this from my PDA so it won't be long. Thank y'all for your input.
Mrs.M & Rabbit, I'm in love with him, not just tne idea of being married. I'm in love with his daughters. It's right. We're going to have our difficulties (we've axready had some) but he's worth it!
Ralphie: I've seen your posts discussing marriage and loved them; though maybe not in a marriage thread.
Anna: My mom is doing the whole darn thing so I have no worries. I just have to show up. The only things I cared about was my dress & my photographers. I picked out both.
Gotta go. Again, thanks everyone for your kind words.
[ April 20, 2004, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: aretee ]
Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
Lucky girl. Even if we have been too proud (family history...) to let our families do the all job, I have to say that just now I regret it. But it will pass
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