Okay, it's been awhile. For those of you who don’t know or don’t remember how this works, the rules are simple:
Various Hatrackers have sent me excerpts from their writing. I post them, anonymously. You critique the writing, and guess who the author is, giving your reasons for the guess. I assign points for guessing and for critiquing. You get NO points if your guess isn’t accompanied by a critique or a rationale.
quote:The young girl behind the counter answered the phone again, “University Hospital Oncology Department, Drs. Wideman, Katzenberger and Josephs, this is Carrie, may I help you?” Lilith wondered how many times the girl had to practice that greeting to make it sound so fluid and easy. Or if she ever slipped up and answered her home phone that way.
The magazine she held was about gardening, full of colorful pictures of various blooms and plants with exotic names like phlox, scylla grasses, and delphinium. Didn’t anyone plant tulips or pansies anymore?
She tossed that magazine back to the table, and sat impatiently. Bob reached over to take her hand, stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. He had done the same thing when she met his mother for the first time. A formidable woman, she spoke Finnish and kept her face stern and unyielding, when her son introduced his fiancée. Lilith had been terrified of her, thinking she would surely never allow the wedding.
Only Bob’s reassuring touch kept her from bolting out the door then. It was probably the only thing keeping her here now, in this waiting room. The visit to his mother had turned out all right in the end, when she gave Lilith an appraising glance and said in heavily accented English, “Is good, this marriage.”
The visit today was almost certain to have a much less desirable result.
Two points for providing critique. Critique must be more substantial than “I like it” or “good flow.” If I’m not sure if something counts as critique, I’ll award one point. Critique points can be earned even after the round is officially over.
One point for guessing, with reason given for the guesses. No points for subsequent guesses, unless you guess right. You can guess as many times as you want each round, but one guess at a time. (You can guess again after I answer your outstanding guess.)
[ April 29, 2004, 10:32 PM: Message edited by: dkw ]
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Yay, dkw! I was just wondering this morning when we might see a new round. I guess the vibes got through . . .
I really like this piece! Very well written, easy and smooth flow. It jumps around a bit, but I think that's intentional -- it feels just like someone waiting anxiously and impatiently, trying to distract herself.
Nice name choices. Exotic female contrasted with solid male. And the characters do seem to be like that -- he grounds her, it's clear. From the little I've seen, I really like these people. And I'm sad that they're waiting for bad news in an oncology department.
Scott R?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Nope.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
*debates guessing again before anyone else does*
*decides the rest of y'all are slackers*
Belle?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Yes.
Posted by esl (Member # 3143) on :
I admit I don't know what oncology is.. help anyone?
Very nice. Lilith makes me think Lillix, the band. When she's first introduced I thought she was the person calling the Oncology Department. I don't know if that's intentional like the jumping around.
I like the hand stroking and the flashback in general. Thanks for submitting a great piece.
beatnix19 ?
edit: I wasn't slacking! I was taking my time guessing since it's random anyway.. yay, rivka
[ April 29, 2004, 10:43 PM: Message edited by: esl ]
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
I edited the next round's thread to give you two points for critique.
Hear that everybody? You can still get points for critiquing Belle's piece.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
I want to know if there's more to this story. And if there is, I'd love to read it! Very impressive, to have me caring so much about these characters after such a brief taste. Posted by esl (Member # 3143) on :
Yes, ditto!
And, thanks dkw.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Those who were missing the game can all thank Amka, who is keeping my fiancé out late tonight. Otherwise I’d be acting all mushy on the phone right now. Instead, I am moping around the scene where we met, hoping to pick up lingering Bob-vibes.
<----- pathetic
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
I have no real criticisms of this piece. I like the flow and pacing and the characterization is solid and worked into the prose very well. The POV is very firmly established and maintained, and the description is detailed enough to create a good mental image while still being subtle enough not to notice it. But then, we already knew Belle was a good writer, didn't we?
Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
I love this piece! Great work, Belle!
Minor quibbles:
quote: Bob reached over to take her hand, stroking the back of her hand with his thumb.
This reads a little clumsily to me.
Also, it took me a minute to realize that Lilith was holding the magazine and that we had turned our attention away from the young girl, but I might just be slow to catch on Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
Belle, this read like a published peice. It was fluid, it rang true. I especially liked Lilith wondering if the girl ever answered her phone at home like that -- I've done that!
Nothing to quibble over at all -- it is a compliment to you that it was guessed so quickly, especially with ScottR as the first guess. Is there more to this story or was this just for the contest?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
The score is updated to this point.
(This is a note to me. Everyone else can ignore it.)
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
Yay! More guess the author game!! Hmmm... I really like this piece, Belle. It reads very smoothly, and I really have no critique except that I sorta want to know what happens!! Heh.
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Hat]](graemlins/hat.gif)
![[Grumble]](graemlins/grumble.gif)
Instead, I am moping around the scene where we met, hoping to pick up lingering Bob-vibes.