Yesterday, I decided to sneak out back and smoke a cigar. I don't usually smoke, but if I do, I indulge in a nice Honduran mild cigar. This was one such day. As I stood outside the back of my store, I watched two of my customers driving down the road in a nice new Mazda miata Type R with the top down. She was driving. My inner consciousness said, "Man what a wuss that guy is. If I owned a Miata, I'd be the one driving with the top down". I finished my cigar and came in the store and closed out the day.
It wasn't until today that I realized what an ass I was. I realized why she was driving and he was not. She has MS, and if her condition worsens, she may not have the cognitive abilities to drive a car any longer. I must have replayed that scene in my head 10 times and each time I realized that her attentiveness she displayed while driving by was probably her concentration on the road and her driving, not some strange feminine position that women take when driving a sporty car in a rather unsporty way. Her husband must have shown the compassion that only a spouse can and handed her the car keys only knowing that someday, there would be no way that his wife will be physically able to drive a car.
I felt terrible, and no one would have known my inner moment of chauvenism and weakness if I had not told all of you.
Even though we may strive for perfection and greatness, we are all human, sadly.
I suppose that is why characters like Andrew Wiggen and Alvin Maker are so popular, providing a benchmark for us to aspire to.
I sat here thumbing through the biography of OSC:
Orson Scott Card: Writer of the Terrible Choice by Edith S. Tyson and I wonder if that somehow subconciously spurred me on to realising how petty I was being above.
Maybe it was my own inner voice? I can only hope.
Posted by Pepek (Member # 3773) on :
at least you realize it.. I find that to be one of the more important aspects in a person.. you may not be able be perfect, but to admit and see your imperfections and admit it and all can gain you alot of respect from others.
~Sir Montague Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Alucard, Confession for confession. When I just read that Ronald Reagan died, I thought to myself, "Good." I am not proud of that feeling, but it came to me without my trying to have it, and I felt really bad, because I know he and his wife have suffered.
We all have prejudices and petty thoughts. It is how we act on them, or not, that counts.
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
Thanks Pepek and I know you are right Liz, but I still feel guilty for feeling so shallow in the first place, even though no one caught me doing it. I can only say that I beleive that this is one of the qualities/curses that our conscience weighs upon us with. I think I am glad I have it, but do not want to end up on the floor tracing wood grains.
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
Although I could stand here at work and count holes in the ceiling tiles...
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Alucard, I distinctly remember this weird obsessive tendency I had as a young child to say bad things in my mind. One thing was: "I hate God, I hate God." I remember thinking to myself that the devil made me do it, and that I was too weak to resist. I really think it was just obsessive, but I remember it, and it was weird. This is where meditation comes in, I think. The Buddhists, and others who meditate(many Christians as well), can get their minds to a point of blankness. You let all the weird, unsolicited thoughts sort of flow over you, until there is just nothing. At least, that is how I picture it. The Buddhists have terms for all of this. I think the main term is "dharma." So, it was just dharma that hit you, the everyday world of small thinking. Just let it wash over you, recognize it, and move on. In about a million lifetimes or so, you will be fine. ha ha.
Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :
quote:It wasn't until today that I realized what an ass I was. I realized why she was driving and he was not.
I read this and I thought, "Cool. He's going to apologize for being sexist. He realizes that gender is merely a social construct and that it shouldn't matter who is driving because it doesn't affect whether someone is 'manly' or 'womanly.'"
But then you go on to say that you felt like an ass because she had MS. That it was okay for the man to give up driving with the top down in this case out of sympathy for the woman.
Which leaves me more than a little disappointed. It's obvious you feel bad about what you were thinking, and you want to make it public, to atone a little bit perhaps, as well to let people know not to judge people so quickly. That seems like a good thing. I just don't think you realize the full depths of why you were wrong.
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
Funny you mention meditation. I just finished a book that touches on that subject, among many others by David Icke: Tales from the Time Loop .
What is funny about his work is whether it is 97% wrong and 3% right or the other way around, and I am never quite sure. Scary stuff indeed. But as far as meditating, he claims that witnesses have seen those meditate do so for days with no food and water, and at times, parts of their body would become invisible.
If you are like me, I have trouble clearing my head of any thoughts for more than 2 seconds before some stupid jingle or other racket invades my inner sanctuary of mental peace.
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
quote:I read this and I thought, "Cool. He's going to apologize for being sexist. He realizes that gender is merely a social construct and that it shouldn't matter who is driving because it doesn't affect whether someone is 'manly' or 'womanly.'"
Dude, C'mon. Everyone knows the guy drives!
Just kidding, I did come to that conclusion as well, but I happened to have this patients name flash in front of me and your assumed conclusion and to me, the more important conclusion of her medical condition came to me all at once.
I agree that the stereotypical guy/girl car thing is totally sexist, and you can be assured that I do not intend to be.
Although I realized that she was driving was odd for me, it was subconscious. Sexism did play a role, but for me to forget her medical condition was much more self-dissappointing.
Hope that makes sense.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Alucard, I have always had a running commentary in my head. As I am getting older(or insane), I am realizing that i think I am not sure if I said the things in my head aloud. I will compose aletter, and wonder if I wrote it or not. Kind of scary. I have thought of meditating. I can get very "Zen" when I go on really long drives. I am aware, and driving well(even though I am a woman-ha ha), but my head totally clears of thought after a while.
The ultimate therapy for me is to drive across the country. By the time I hit Chicago, I have thought all I can think about the place/situation I left, and my mind goes into almost a trancelike state as I hit the plains.
I wish I could get "there" without having to drive!
Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :
Yeah, that makes sense, as does your ordering of your patient's medical history above the sexism thing. Thanks for explaining it to me.
It's a social commentary in some ways, too. How sexism is so common and pervasive that it's built into our subconscious, stuck in there by media, peers and role models. It doesn't seem like a big deal because so many people think that way and so few people comment on it.
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
JNSB,
It has been a week since my last confession (just kidding). However, I did think more about what you brought up in this post and it really got to me, requiring me to think through my thought patterns in detail. This was sort of like trying to monitor step by step how our body allows us to pick up a pen, or how to breathe etc...
The explanation I wanted to explain in detail is that the entire episode of witnessing this car drive by took place in only a few seconds. My thoughts on the matter took less than that. Looking back, I must admit that I am honestly not sexist or chauvinistic, but my id is. Even more honestly, I believe that I need my id to be a male chauvinistic pig to balance out my ego and superego. By nature, I am very much non-aggressive and completely at ease with myself. I am the "Omega Male" amongst Alpha Males. So I did not consciously condemn myself for having this split-second thought of sexism as a bad thing, and it was just that: a thought.
But when I remembered this patient's medical condition and realized that my id judged her without remembering it as well, I was very self-disappointed. For me, it was like inviting a blind person to look at something, or inviting a person confined to a wheelchair to go hiking. Not that persons with disabilities cannont conquer anything! That is not what this comment is supposed to convey. What I am trying to say is that I was disappointed with my id being cruel, forgetful, and quick to judge.
Thank God I have a few parts of myself still around to keep id in line.
Thanks for your comment above, BTW.
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
Ya know, I thought about making a comment when you first put this up and didn't, and JNSB did and did a lovely job of it. And your clarifying comment makes sense, too. But there is something else I want to add.
Did you catch that you assumed the car was his? I know some families only have one car, but a lot have two, and each pick their own. So if this was me, and my SO loved to snowmobile and ride an ATV, and wanted to drive a vehicle that could pull a trailer, and those things weren't important to me and I choose to drive a sporty little convertable, and it's a beautiful day and we're going somewhere... you can bet I would want to take my car, and you can also bet I wouldn't be so fast to let him drive. So, yeah, maybe "If I owned a Miata I'd be the one driving with the top down" would apply to them, too... but he didn't own a Miata, she did.
As it happens, the above situation is one I used to be in but am not now. I drive a pick-up truck, so I can haul stuff. My boyfriend doesn't have a car, he bikes everywhere. so if we're going somewhere together, I drive, except for the rare occasions when I feel I've had too much to drink and ask him to drive home.
Sorry if this came across as overly uptight... like I said, I understand where you're coming from with the subconcious reactions. Just want to give you one more way of looking at it.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Alucard, It has been a week since MY last confession, too, and it is sort of weird that you opened the thread back up. I was thinking of posting a topic, but it didn;t seem appropriate, so I will post it here.
Last night, I was overcome with inconsolable grief, watching Nancy Reagan say her last farewell to her beloved husband. I sobbed for an hour, and I have been teary all day. Though I still feel guilty that I had disrespectful thoughts about a man who had died, it all came back(my compassion) in a huge flood last night.
So, thank you and your naughty id for providing me this venting space.
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
ElJay,
Think nothing of the criticism. Like I said, this is all internal ramblings in my head. Sort of like the stereotypical angel on one shoulder and devil on the other. I find both of them comforting, in a strange way.
I apologize for my id, who is too chauvinistic to apologize for himself.
And Liz, case in point. I know what it is like to think something and then feel bad that I even thought it to begin with. I think everyone has experienced that, haven't they?
It doesn't mean I am going to call my bushido now and commit hari kari on the front lawn...