This is the spot for you to pose your rhetorical questions and have them answered, eventually, by our team of crack researchers. As soon as we can get them off of crack and into methadone replacement therapy, they'll hop all over your questions.
Please be patient. Cogent responses require at least the appearance that we've spent time on it.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
I think that's my favorite opening post ever.
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
If Mothra fought a mutant bee in a giant wool sweater, who would win?
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
So, class, is math important in the real world? Well---no, no hands, please, that was a rhetorical question.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
How can you be so stupid????
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Is there ever any juice in this house???
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
Why me??
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
quote:How can you be so stupid????
It's hard, hard work.
Posted by Speed (Member # 5162) on :
What the hell?
Posted by vwiggin (Member # 926) on :
Why am I eating week old bread?
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Why does Dagonee think he is qualified to answer my questions???
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Because the bread was made a week ago.
This isn't so hard.
Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
What is the law, if not rhetorical?
-Trevor
Posted by Dragon (Member # 3670) on :
Why is Bob so amazingly funny?
Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
I hope it's ok if I ask more than one...
Why do they always discontinue the hair products that actually work on my hair as soon as I've gotten comfortable with them?
Why do the doors on teeny, tiny bathroom stalls open inward, leaving no room in the stall for the actual person?
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Because it's part of an evil conspiracy against curly-haired people.
Because they were designed by men. That's also why a 3:2 ratio of bathrooms or bathroom space is not required by law (more for women), so we can get out in at least half the time of men.
Posted by AntiCool (Member # 7386) on :
quote:What the hell?
Hell the place go damned souls.
Posted by Little_Doctor (Member # 6635) on :
Why do 24-hour stores have locks on the doors?
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
Why was my question more hypothetical than rhetorical?
Posted by vwiggin (Member # 926) on :
*gnaws hard bread*
Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
Was this really necessary?
Why does nobody seem to know what a rhetorical question is?
Posted by mothertree (Member # 4999) on :
Do you think money just grows on trees?
Posted by vwiggin (Member # 926) on :
Do I look like an idiot?
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Why do you all keep looking at me like that?
Posted by Meshugener (Member # 7601) on :
rivka, its because you've got some crumbs on your lip.
Posted by Mormo (Member # 5799) on :
Rivka, for me it's because I find paranoia endearingly attractive. Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
*surreptitiously checks for crummies*
Posted by Glenn Arnold (Member # 3192) on :
Why do fools fall in love?
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
quote: Rhetorical Questions Answered Here
Why are you not answering any of our questions?
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
Bob, you need to pick up the slack here. Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:If Mothra fought a mutant bee in a giant wool sweater, who would win?
The answer depends on how one parses the above query. If Mothra is the one wearing the giant wool sweater, the bee wins because Mothra's wings would be pinned.
If the bee is wearing the giant wool sweater, Mothra wins because, basically, the bee would be smothered by the wool sweater and Mothra could just eat through at her leisure.
Thanks for your question.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:is math important in the real world?
What is this "real world" of which you speek? Fortunately for you, math is important in the fantasy world where most students reside.
Thanks for your question.
[ March 20, 2005, 06:21 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:How can you be so stupid????
Let me count the ways...
Thanks for your question.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Is there ever any juice in this house???
Yes.
Thanks for your question.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Why me??
Really, sometimes it just seems that way. But this time, it really is that way. We took a vote and you were selected to bear the brunt of all existence. Surely you got the memo.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:What the hell?
Look again. Try under the couch. You'll figure it out.
Posted by kaioshin00 (Member # 3740) on :
Where's Waldo?
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Why am I eating week old bread?
Hunger, combined with laziness and a depletion of discretionary funds. I'd say you've been on Hatrack way too long and are unemployed.
Thanks for you question.
Posted by dread pirate romany (Member # 6869) on :
No, Bob, it doesn't matter who is wearing the wool sweater. Mothra has a name and the giant mutant bee doesn't. Mothra wins. Besides, does the bee have fairies that sing a special song for it?
Edit: grammar
[ March 20, 2005, 07:38 PM: Message edited by: dread pirate romany ]
Posted by A Rat Named Dog (Member # 699) on :
What's the difference between a pig?
Posted by Kama (Member # 3022) on :
is there a Dog named Rat?
Posted by Lady Jane (Member # 7249) on :
quote:quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What the hell? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hell the place go damned souls.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Don't you have anything better to do?
Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
quote:Because it's part of an evil conspiracy against curly-haired people.
I KNEW IT!
*gasps and glares at all the straight-haireds*
And you're in on it too, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?!
Yes, I mean you! Posted by TMedina (Member # 6649) on :
Actually, I am.
-Trevor
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
*bashes Trevor with a giant kidney stone and a hot straightening iron*
Posted by The Pixiest (Member # 1863) on :
What's WRONG with you people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Lady Jane (Member # 7249) on :
WHAT was I THINKING???
Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
quote:Actually, I am.
*glare of death*
Posted by jehovoid (Member # 2014) on :
How long now, Catiline, will you abuse our patience?
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Why does Dagonee think he is qualified to answer my questions???
He's a lawyer-type. 'nuff said.
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
*snigger*
Posted by Heffaji (Member # 3669) on :
How many licks does it take to get to the center of the universe?
Posted by Mormo (Member # 5799) on :
That would depend on the topology (structure) and cardinality (finite or not) of the universe, and whether isotropy (no center) is true in the universe. Also, if the universe is multi-orgasmic (umm.. ), it's bound to take more licks to reach her center. And she'll want you to buy her breakfast when you get there.
[ March 22, 2005, 02:30 AM: Message edited by: Mormo ]
Posted by Mormo (Member # 5799) on :
Why do I have such a knack for killing threads? Posted by aspectre (Member # 2222) on :
Hah!!! Like I'd just let you walk away with my last post.
Why are rhetorical questions the only questions worthy of being answered here?
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
Mormo -- Because I decided my response to your previous answer was entirely too provocative for hatrack. Posted by Mormo (Member # 5799) on :
So it's your fault! At least I have someone to blame.
Why are lost causes the only ones worth fighting for?
[ March 22, 2005, 04:02 PM: Message edited by: Mormo ]
Posted by Mormo (Member # 5799) on :
Why would a guy who is about to get married start a thread offering to answer unanswerable questions?
Hmmm, I guess I know that after all: practice.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:What is the law, if not rhetorical?
Our team mistakenly parsed this into two separate questions:
1) What is the law?, and
2) "if" not rhetorical?
Frankly, we couldn't make sense of the 2nd one, so we just answered the first. Which is, of course, that the law is an @ss.
Thank you for your question.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Why is Bob so amazingly funny?
After many years of careful research involving surveys, focus groups, and some of the most elaborate communications equipment since the two-cans-and-a-string thing, we have determined that really, everyone else is funny and so they assume Bob must be too. Works for us.
Thank you for your question.
[ March 23, 2005, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Why do they always discontinue the hair products that actually work on my hair as soon as I've gotten comfortable with them?
Check the fine print on your birth certificate. You'll see that your parents signed you up as a test market for haircare and diapers. You should be getting your first package of Depends in a few years. Enjoy.
By the way, your parents received a minivan in exchange for this deal. Just be glad they didn't name you [/i]Chrysler[/i]
quote:Why do the doors on teeny, tiny bathroom stalls open inward, leaving no room in the stall for the actual person?
Research has shown that the stalls stay much cleaner this way and a lot less water gets used. Savings in paper, at the national level, has saved a forest or two as well. It's sort of a win-win situation. Except that the handicapped stall tends to have a long line of large people waiting to use it.
Thank you for your questions.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Why do 24-hour stores have locks on the doors?
It's mainly to keep the employees IN. Most of the time they can keep those doors unlocked, though, because the employees feet are nailed to the floor. But every once in awhile, an employee takes a bathroom break, or their feet atrophy to the point where they pry themselves loose and crawl frantically for the exit. In those cases, a central alarm goes off, the doors seal, and a mild electric shock is administered through the tracking collar.
It's a good system.
Thank you for you question.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Why was my question more hypothetical than rhetorical?
Because thousands of years ago, before the dawn of man, somewhere in Africa, a butterfly flapped its wings, thus initiating a chain of events with unforeseen consequences. Your question had nothing to do with this, but it's a lot more fun to think about than whatever the heck it was you were asking.
Thanks for your question.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Was this really necessary?
In the grand scheme of things,...yes. God likes it when rhetorical questions get answers. God has decided to delay the destruction of the Universe for an unspecified period of time for each rhetorical question correctly answered.
quote:Why does nobody seem to know what a rhetorical question is?
Because all the people who were really good at asking rhetorical questions in the past were beaten to death and thus failed to contribute their genes to the next generation.
Thank you for your questions.
[ March 23, 2005, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Do you think money just grows on trees?
No, of course not! It also grows on bushes, shrubs and certain species of lichen.
Thank you for your question.
[ March 23, 2005, 01:31 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
If you poison us, do we not die?
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Do I look like an idiot?
If you are looking here, then...yes.
Thank you for your question.
[ March 23, 2005, 01:34 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Why do you all keep looking at me like that?
Don't worry. It's just gas. We'll be fine soon.
Thank you for your question
[ March 23, 2005, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Why do fools fall in love?
Mainly because no-one else wanted the job. But at a more fundamental level, fools fall in love because it is so darned entertaining.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Why are you not answering any of our questions?
I am. Badly.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Thanks for your question.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Don't you have anything better to do?
Yep. I'm cleaning the toilet bowl right now!
Scrubbing bubbles.
Scrubbing bubbles. Scrubbing bubbles.
[ March 23, 2005, 06:57 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:And you're in on it too, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?!
If you see black helicopters circling outside, duck!
Thank you for your question.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:What's WRONG with you people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing a few exclamation points couldn't fix!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for your question.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:WHAT was I THINKING???
This wasn't supposed to be a thread where I demostrate my mind reading skills, but...okay, here goes.
Hey! This is a family board! Really! You should be ashamed of yourself. Or take a safety course.
Seriously!
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:How long now, Catiline, will you abuse our patience?
Until the medical examiners get ahold of her, I'd guess.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:How many licks does it take to get to the center of the universe?
42.
Hey! We finally figured out the QUESTION to life, the universe and EVERYTHING!!!
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Why do I have such a knack for killing threads?
We all have our special little talents. Yours include killing threads and coming up with seriously twisted screen names. Sadly, neither of these will get you a job. Your future is destined to be one of hanging out on street corners begging passers-by to let you access the internet from the wireless PDA/phone combos, just for a minute...
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Why are rhetorical questions the only questions worthy of being answered here?
It's not a question of worth. Well...yeah, it sort of is. Other questions are just not worth our researchers' valuable time. They've got other projects and, you know, premium home-ground peanut butter doesn't stay fresh forever, buddy!
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Why are lost causes the only ones worth fighting for?
Because nobody gets mad when it's all over and the cause still hasn't been found. Basically, if you fought for "found causes" there'd be a whole separate war over who got to keep the cause when the first war was done. It's messy. It's like liberals and conservatives fighting over morality. If that's not a lost cause, I don't know what is. But see, eventually, if morality is found, then the real war will start.
So, you'd better pray that moral behavior continues to be a lost cause, or we're all doomed.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:Why would a guy who is about to get married start a thread offering to answer unanswerable questions?
Slow news day. Basically, the Washington Post must've sufferend an online aneurism.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Why do young men think they know all the answers before they get married?
Why does the #1 have a W sound in it, but no W when its spelled, while the #2 does not have a W sound in it, but does have a W in its spelling?
Will you answer these questions different after the wedding and the enlightenment of husbandry falls upon your shoulders like an angry old lady's purse?
![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Mad]](mad.gif)
![[Blushing]](graemlins/blushing.gif)
), it's bound to take more licks to reach her center. And she'll want you to buy her breakfast when you get there. ![[Grumble]](graemlins/grumble.gif)
![[Dont Know]](graemlins/dontknow.gif)
![[Party]](graemlins/party.gif)
![[No No]](graemlins/nono.gif)
![[The Wave]](graemlins/thewave.gif)