I would like to thank everypeople who support me during my big sadness, last week. For you and others of my friends who helped me, i wrote a poem (in french, sorry )
La goélette
Un regard, et mon coeur se trouble. Une pensée, et mon coeur s'effondre. Un voilier dans les limbes d'ombres Sombre en recherchant son double.
En volant en brumeux paysage, Le blanc goéland voit l'image Du navire encalminé, lent, Luttant, virant là, seul, sans élan.
Planant compagnon de voyage, Tant d'aplomb, pas ondes ne te touchent Car le dieu Vent gonfle sa bouche. Tes bleus yeux bénissent l'équipage.
Le vent ronfle et gonfle le grand coeur Des voiles motrices et des hommes en choeur. Une parole, mon coeur se ressaisit. Des amis, mon coeur leur re-sourit.
[ March 26, 2005, 08:05 AM: Message edited by: Choobak ]
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
Um, I got some of it, but my French is really really rusty. Plus you use a bunch of verbs I don't think I ever learned.
A thought, and my heart is in trouble. A thought, and my heart something something. Something on the limbs of the man Something something something something something.
No idea at all about this line The while something something image No idea whatsoever, lent Nope, not a single clue, without elan.
No idea at all but it's not quite mushrooms, Something aplomb, no something you touch (don't know the tense) But the god something something the mouth Your blue eyes something equipped.
No idea the big heart The something something and the man something Parole (really?), my heart resists (maybe?) My friends, my heart is recovering (just a guess, nothing but a guess.)
Well, I think I have amply proved why I'm not a French translator.
Um, could someone who actually knows French translate it properly? Pretty please?
Posted by Choobak (Member # 7083) on :
you are very fun ! So i try to translate the sense... (very hard)
La goélette (it's a boat)
A glance, and my heart is disturbed. A thought, and my heart breaks down. A sailing ship in the limbs of shades Sinks by seeking its double.
While flying in misty landscape, the white seagull sees the image Of the ship in calm water, slow, Fighting, transfering there, only, without dash.
Planing travelling companion, So much balance, not waves do not touch themselves Because the Vent god inflates his mouth. Your blue eyes bless the crew.
The wind whirrs and inflates the large heart Of the driving veils and the men in chorus. A word, my heart is seized again. Friends, my heart Re-smiles to them.
I hope it's better, but the music get out...
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
Thanks, Choobak!
Ya gotta admit, some things, I was right, other things, I was sorta close. Not bad for someone who hasn't studied French for two decades, n'est-ce pas?
Posted by Choobak (Member # 7083) on :
Well, Quid ! Well
EDIT :
I just read your love story on your blog. It's beautiful. Have great time
[ March 26, 2005, 09:10 AM: Message edited by: Choobak ]
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
You're the sweetest, Chooey! Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
Choobak: Posted by Eruve Nandiriel (Member # 5677) on :
Wow, that's a really pretty poem, Choobak.
Have you written much poetry before?
Posted by Choobak (Member # 7083) on :
I began two years ago with 6 poems. And i stopped it. I re-began with my mail exchange with this girl, around 40 days ago.
Today i have writen 23 poems. And i continue... Around 2 or 3 a week (or more). It depends of my feeling. I love writing !
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
I thought I'd have my own bash in translating, Choobak, if that's alright (if it's not, just say!). I love your poem!
La goélette
[Un regard, et mon coeur se trouble. Une pensée, et mon coeur s'effondre. Un voilier dans les limbes d'ombres Sombre en recherchant son double.]
A look, and my heart is troubled. A thought, and my heart is broken. A sailing ship in the arms of shadows Sinks seeking its double.
[En volant en brumeux paysage, Le blanc goéland voit l'image Du navire encalminé, lent, Luttant, virant là, seul, sans élan.]
Flying through a misty country The white seagull sees the form Of the ship in the calm water, slow, Struggling, passing, lonely, still.
Planant compagnon de voyage, Tant d'aplomb, pas ondes ne te touchent Car le dieu Vent gonfle sa bouche. Tes bleus yeux bénissent l'équipage.
Gliding travelling companion, Full of balance; the waves untouched For the god Wind holds his breath. Your blue eyes bless the crew.
Le vent ronfle et gonfle le grand coeur Des voiles motrices et des hommes en choeur. Une parole, mon coeur se ressaisit. Des amis, mon coeur leur re-sourit.
The wind howls and inspires the great heart Of the mainsails and the men's chorus. A word, and my heart is repaired. I smile once more on my friends.
* Some words changed from the original. Is that better, Choobak? It's your poem, and it's a beautiful poem, so I don't want to ruin it!
[ March 26, 2005, 12:39 PM: Message edited by: Teshi ]
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
Aw, Teshi, good translation, but don't you like mine?
Choobak, it's a beautiful poem. I'm glad you found Hatrack. Posted by Choobak (Member # 7083) on :
Interesting translation ! I look some details changed. And the sens have another extend. I notice you translate planant (soaring) by abandoned. Other thing, and i think it's a misunderstanding : you translate ressaisit by recaptured. I search a traduction... pulled itself together... or something like that... rebirth. It's very difficult !! So your translation is a great help for other ! Thank you for your help, and to love my poem. I am flatted. Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
Oops. "Soaring" I definately looked up as something else. I will change that.
And yes, I'm sorry I changed some of the words- for flow, I thought.
I will change "soaring" and "recaptured" to "reborn." Posted by Choobak (Member # 7083) on :
well ! By our work, we managed to translate it I'd like to be abble to rhyme also in english... Maybe, in the futur i'll be able to write poem in english. Who knows ?
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
I hope so, your poetry is excellent! Posted by Choobak (Member # 7083) on :
I'd like to address a special message to Anna and Corwin.
Vos soutiens m'ont été, et me sont toujours très précieux du reste. Vos conseils et histoires respectives m'aident à traverser ce cap difficile. Ce poème, je vous le dédis d'entre tous les hatrackers. Merci. J'eu aimé vous l'envoyé directement par courriel avec un mot personnalisé, mais je n'avais pas vos adresses. (non, je n'ai pas eu la présence d'esprit de noter la tienne, Anna.)
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
I wish you peace, Choobak.
Thank you for the poem.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
That poem is beautiful in English. I wish I knew more about French so I would realize how beautiful it is in French. Posted by Choobak (Member # 7083) on :
what congratulations ! I am happy, you like it without the french musicality. I hope to make more poem in english when i gain more vocabulary and a better idea of the sound of words.
Posted by Choobak (Member # 7083) on :
To my progress, can someone say me what english poets i can try to read ? I'd like to continue to write and, maybe, in English.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
Try Emily Dickinson. Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
Ooh. I especially love this line:
quote:Le vent ronfle et gonfle le grand coeur Des voiles motrices et des hommes en choeur.
Maybe that's just because I like the word gonfler.
Poetry is one of the hardest things to have to write in your non-native language. The first poem I had to write in French was a sonnet, and the rules and restrictions (and those tricky masculine/feminine rhymes) nearly did me in.
However, I think to best understand the rhythm and form of English verse, you should try starting out with a very strict form like a sonnet. I find that the more restrictive the form, the more creative you are and the better the poem turns out.
Here is a brief link about the English sonnet form. The best examples are, of course, Shakespeare's, (Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments; Love is not love that alters when it alteration finds) and the sonnet form he invented (3 stanzas of 4 lines, ended with a pair of lines) is my favorite.
Other good poets to read are Yeats, Poe (he was the favorite of Baudelaire) and Whitman. Modern poets like Kerouac and Cummings are fun, but I don't think they display the mastery of language that the more traditional poets do.
[ March 29, 2005, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: Annie ]
Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
Merci, Choobak, je suis très touchée. Posted by Choobak (Member # 7083) on :
Oh ! You like the word gonfler ? Fun ! It's the first time i hear that (or read, here). About this poem, a friend said me : "It's a tour du monde, your poem. It's simple, you start from Darkness, to go to the blue." I didn't saw that, but it's true. Strange, isn't it ?
About poem in English, i'd like begining to read some before. I have a lack of vocabulary, and especially in sound of word, and pronounciation. So Your advices help me very much.
Edit :
C'est moi qui suis touché d'avoir trouvé réconfort auprès de personne qui me connaissent à peine. Vous avez été formidable ! You are all wonderfull with me ! I like Poe too. I don't know why. I'll try Emilie Dickinson. Strange woman who live in a little place, and travel by his poetry...
[ March 29, 2005, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: Choobak ]
Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
If you like symbolic and mystic poetry, I would advice Leonard Cohen.
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