I'm 24, but despite the fact that I don't have any children (or possibly because of that reason) when I see a mother and father with a baby I can't help but smile. With all the pain in the world, seeing a "planned pregnancy" gives me great hope for the future. When I see little boys cling to their father when they are embarrassed or scared it gives me pause. What is it that instills a sense of safety in a child when they are with their parents? Will I have to program that into my children or will they naturally feel safe around me? I want to be able to answer every question my children ask, and more importantly, tell them "I don't know" when in fact I don't. I cant even count all the "facts" I thought I knew but later found out that the only reason I "knew" them was because I was told before I learned to find answers for myself. Some of those "truths" even follow me today. I don't want to make up answers for my children when I don't have real answers. How do you parents get around this. Are you humble with your children hoping that they respect the fact that you didn't simply lie to them to give them an answer, or do they resent the fact that you don't know everything. I want to be honest with my children, when I have some, but I don't know which "truths" can be told outright and which "truths" I should leave for them to discover. I'd love to hear input from you Hatrack parents.
Posted by lem (Member # 6914) on :
My baby is only 9 months old. I believe in age appropriate answers. I do not believe in lying. Leaving out details you would give a 16 year old to a 6 year old seems fine by me. I trust in the ability for children to handle truth.
quote: . What is it that instills a sense of safety in a child when they are with their parents? Will I have to program that into my children or will they naturally feel safe around me?
All you need to be is invested in your children. They depend on you for food, shelter, and boundries to keep them safe. If you are invested, and it sounds like you will be, you will not need to teach them they are safe around you. That feeling will already be established.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
This was discussed in our classes for adoption. Children learn to trust their parents by experience. When a baby is uncomfortable, hungry or wet or in pain, it cry's. Soon it learns to recognize the face of its parents as the ones who make that discomfort go away. This is reinforced hundreds then thousands of times during the early years. As such, by the time the child is toddler age, they turn to the faces that they know will make the discomfort go away, even if it is the discomfort of meeting people they don't know.
Posted by IanO (Member # 186) on :
My son is nearly 7. He asks a powerful lot of questions. When I know the answer I tell him. Sometimes, I have to give age appropriate answers. So, for example, when he asked where babies came from, I told him that Daddy planted a seed in Mommy and it grows into a baby. As he got older, I filled in more of the blanks, but didn't go into too much detail and also placed it within the moral context of appropriate behaviors for married couples only. I don't want him to have any mystery about the process so he is enticed by strange tales from school.
Other questions require answers that his little mind can understand. But he surprises me constantly. And if I don't know the answer, I tell him so. Later, we may look up the answer together. He never seems upset at my not knowing. Being honest if very important.
As for children looking to their parents for safety, I think much of that is built in. Then, too, the bonds that are formed in infancy (even in the womb) strengthen that sense of security. Mothers have an easier time forming this bond since the process of pregnancy and later, nursing, strengthen it. The skin-to-skin contact helps as well. Fathers can, however, form this bond by holding the baby constantly and talking and singing to it.
As they get older, their need for security means that they need consistancy, both with rules and routines and acceptable behaviors. Constant attention to this can help create and emotionally secure environment in which to grow.
FWIW
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
Children are so loving. Yesterday I spent some time with a three-year-old boy that I'd never interacted with before. I smiled at him a few times, got down on his level, and talked to him. I listened when he talked to me. Within a few minutes, he was cuddling with me, grinning at me, caressing my hair, seeking out my approval.... All children are different, and certainly not all children warm up to people like this one did, but the fact is, children are not like adults.
Children seem to be aware of their state of dependancy and they are not afraid to be very dependant on the adults in their lives.
As for answering questions, my oldest is very verbal, curious, and always asking questions. I was the same way as a child. I try to always answer truthfully. This means I say, "I don't know" a fair amount. But like lanO said, I don't always give him *all* the information. I give him enough to satisfy. If he wants to know more, he will ask for it.
I believe that if the child is ready to ask for it, they are ready to learn about it. Part of this comes from my own childhood curiosiity. If I desired to know about something, someone keeping me from the knowledge just made me want to know more and I would do just about anything to get the answer. And when it comes down to it, I'd rather my kids get their info from me and sources I approve of rather than some unknown place.
It just so happens that my children have asked a fair amount about death. I have always been frank with them (of course, I have also expressed my religious beliefs along with that.) They have never (yet) expressly asked about how babies are made, so the simpler answers have sufficed for now. When they want to know more, I will give them more.
Posted by mothertree (Member # 4999) on :
"With all the pain in the world, seeing a "planned pregnancy" gives me great hope for the future."
There's always pain in the world... I don't think it is worse now that when I was growing up. I guess you get used to some things and then other pains take precedence. Take nuclear holocaust. When I was a kid, if you worried about it it was supposedly a symptom of general anxiety disorder. Which I apparently had.
Posted by Portabello (Member # 7710) on :
quote:They have never (yet) expressly asked about how babies are made, so the simpler answers have sufficed for now.
Actually, the boy has asked me. I answered enough for him to know that it takes both a man and a woman, but not enough for him to know what body parts are involved.
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
What I meant was that he was satisfied with the "simpler" answer, so I didn't have to get into the subject of body parts. If he insists on more information, I would either provide more or tell him that I will tell him when he is older. Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Ah, my. I never asked; my parents always told me waaaay before I wanted to know. (With the results that when my friends did want to know, they asked me, and got correct information.)
My parents read me simple, age-appropriate books when I was 2 and my mom was pregnant with my brother. In preschool, when I was 3, we talked about gender differences and private parts. I bathed with my brother until I was 6 and he was 3 or so, and that was enough knowledge to keep me happy. Then, when I was 9, my parents each put books on their bookshelves (they were divorced by then), and let me find them. (My dad might actually have said there were some books on the bookshelf I might want to look at, since I didn't usually read the books on the shelf he put them on.) I, being a voracious reader, of course read them when I got bored. I don't think I've had a question since.
Posted by Space Opera (Member # 6504) on :
Those are good questions. My kids have never resented the fact that I don't know everything. I've never purposely lied to them, and we are always upfront about delicate situations. We respect them and their wishes, and they in turn respect us.
On the makin' babies subject, kids are so different it's funny. My daughter is 7 and is still very satisfied with the "daddy has a seed and mommy has an egg" explanation. My son was only 4 when he looked at me and said, "How exactly *does* that seed get to the egg?" So, he's known the actual mechanics for quite some time now.
Being open pays off, definately. My son is 10 and recently told me that he's growing pubic hair. Now, I think it's most likely wishful thinking based on the fact that developing and going through puberty is starting to be important to him, but I'm glad that he feels comfortable enough with his mother of all people to share that with. But I also know that we laid the foundation of trust and mutal respect a long time ago. Especially with the teenage years just around the corner it's important.
space opera
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
Space Opera, I like the way you've done things. I hope that when my kids are older, they will feel comfortable talking to us about these things.
Posted by IanO (Member # 186) on :
Ditto. I hope Connor is that confortable with me. I think he will be. He and I are very close and talk alot about how he feels. That way he learns how to deal with negative emotions, something he's had some problems with since my divorce.
Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
It's funny... I hope no one will take it in the wrong way, but each time the subject of awkward questions of children comes, the "how to make babies" is the one we're talking about. I don't have kids yet, but I'm sure that "Mommy, what is death - why do people die - but where is Grandma and why can't I see her" will bother me much more than the babies question. Maybe it's just me.
Posted by IanO (Member # 186) on :
I guess it's your perspective (and beliefs). My answer to questions about death (obviously based on my religious beliefs), while simplified for a child, aren't all that difficult to talk about. We've already spoken about it on a few occasions and the frank answers seemed to satisfy (and weren't uncomfortable). And in a way, I think there's comfort in that, in the idea that there's no question, especially about the condition of dead people. Death, while a terrible enemy that tears families apart and something that shouldn't have happened, and is to be avoided by all proper manners, is not the final end. (For us) Death is like sleeping. And our hope is that we will 'wake up' in a later time. So there's no reason to fear the dead or where we'll be when we die. It's how I was raised and I have never feared death or where I'd go when I die (even if I never did 'wake up'.)
Obviously, when death his closer to home (like when my father died when I was 13), you must deal with the loss and pain. But even then, I never worried if he was in hell or purgatory or whatever. There was a certain comfort knowing he was at peace and not feeling anything. And that he'd be suprised when he saw me again, a full grown adult.
I imagine it would be the same for my son. I hope so.
Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
For me, the question doesn't lie in the belief of an afterlife. I think that it's Kat that said it quite well : you can believe that you will see the dead person once you're dead, the fact is that he/she is not there at the moment, and you'll be separated until your death. That's hard to bear, especially for a child, since time looks so longer for them...
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
quote: What is it that instills a sense of safety in a child when they are with their parents? Will I have to program that into my children or will they naturally feel safe around me?
I wouldn't worry, Ramdac. Biologically, as long as you don't physically mistreat your baby, they will acquire a sense of safety around you well before they start asking you questions. They will start, in other words, from the assumption that you are safe and trustworthy.
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Ah, my. I never asked; my parents always told me waaaay before I wanted to know. (With the results that when my friends did want to know, they asked me, and got correct information.)