My poem, 'Train Window Prophet' has been posted to Strongverse.
w00t!
EDIT: If anyone wants to post a critique, I'd love to hear them . . . although, at this point, the poem's published, so what can I do?
[ August 11, 2005, 07:42 AM: Message edited by: Scott R ]
Posted by Crotalus (Member # 7339) on :
Scott,
I actually read it last week (i guess that's when they first published it).
I can offer no critique (it's darn near perfect), but I will offer praise:
I absolutely loved it. This is what poetry should aspire to be. Very moving and vivid. I have two young sons of my own, one is three years old and the other is three months. My three year old is the most energetic, rambunctious little boy I have ever seen. They certainly view the world with an awe and enthusiasm that can sometimes even make us aware of how beautiful and powerful creation is. To see the world, if only for a moment, through their eyes, man it just makes you feel so alive again. That is what I took away from your poem, anyway. Little boys (probably girls too, but i don't have any --yet!) are storms embodied and they DO bring you to the realization of how near, how glorious God really is.
Good job!
Posted by CT (Member # 8342) on :
Mmmm ...
You had me leaning forward in my seat, breath held tight, as I rushed through the words. I just realized this as I sat back with a satisfied "Mmmmm ..."
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
*beams* Congratulations!! It's wonderful. Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
Wow Scott! That is awesome!
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Self-absorbed rambling ahead!!
Posted by my bro-in-law on his blog:
quote:I have to say this is some of the first work I've been able to read and I was touched by several metaphors at work in the play. Obviously the parallels between selves: The Father, His Son, Six-Year-Old-Train-Window-Prophets, Thunderous, disembodied Voices. But I think the aspect that I found the most gripping was the way in which the poem seemed to breathe. In much the same labored way one breathes when we "remember" that we are breathing and then try and forget again, I felt the poem lift me into the father, out into the storm, into the son, into the thunder, into God's lightning whisper, to sleeping children, to other cars on the train.
Well done.
A pretty good review-- although, I certainly didn't think 'metaphor' when writing it.
I wrote 'Train Window Prophet' while I was a missionary in Italy-- before even having children.
My companion and I were returning from the very beautiful city of Ivrea in northwestern, Italy to our apartment in Settimo Torinese (not so beautiful. . . ). We were travelling by train, and I noticed that on one side of the train, there was a distant, dark mass with sporadic dots of street lights on it-- this mass was a large rise of mountains that had been shaved down to plains by a glacier, millions of years ago. On the other side of the train a thunderstorm was brewing. We could see lightning playing around in the clouds. It was a magical moment-- my companion and I opened the windows and stuck our heads out into the wind and shouted into the night as the train beat its way along the tracks.
In the original poem (the published version has been significantly slimmed), there is an old woman figure that counters the actions of the child and his father. She complains against the open window-- a "frog protesting the storm's clarion." I removed her from the poem because she is. . . dead weight, really. The vivifying point of the poem is made without her presence. And I believe (or theorhetically believe-- ) in slim poetry.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
I'm a little uneasy with this particular piece of work. Strongverse is full of deep poems-- dying, universe-contemplating, relationship-examining, thoughtful, sincere poems.
I'm not sure where a poem about two dead guys having a food fight on the way to Eternal Damnation fits in.
But check it out! Enjoy! Critique!
Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on :
Got a good chuckle out of "Pie Fight"
was awed by "Train Window Prohpet"
very nice work on both, but the latter is astounding.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Indeed, what Jim-Me said. I do not feel qualified to offer a critique or any semblance thereof. Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
Beautiful Scott. I loved "Pie Fight"...it reminded me of "The Devil and Daniel Webster" for some reason, maybe that feeling that we get when we read it that hell is serious, but if you know you're going, best make a ruckus getting there. Why not have your last bit of fun?
"Train" is stunning. A 6-year old child is the perfect age for this poem. I can just see the two of you leaning out of the window together. Very nice.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)