Hatrack River Forum: Child caregivers: I have mixed feelings

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :

This article about child caregivers got me thinking. While I agree that children need to have time to be children, and that this can be a problem, I'd like to see more detailed results. For instance, I see nothing wrong with a child spending half an hour a day helping to feed a grandparent who can't feed him or herself. And as a teenager, I helped with shopping and cooking myself, and had I lived with an elderly relative who needed care, would have expected and been expected to help with tasks such as laundry, changing sheets, sitting and standing, walking, feeding, etc. (just as my sisters, 10 and 13 when I was born, were expected to help take care of me when I was a toddler and preschooler.) I don't think children should have the sole care of a parent or grandparent, and they should have time both for schoolwork and for play and socialization. But isn't it important for them to learn to contribute to the necessary tasks in a family and care for others, as well?

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :

I see this all the time, in my role as a home care nurse. And I kind of disagree with the statement that "this is a failing of our health care system". People who need custodial care around the clock, and who want to stay at home (and who have families that are willing to keep them at home) can benefit from professional health care, but there is no way that this country can afford to provide health care workers to everyone, 24 hours/day. And even if we were to make it a national priority, where would all these workers come from?

Caring for a family member at home is primarily the responsibility of the family. And when I see teenaged or younger children helping out their elderly or disabled family, I do not cluck my tongue and fret about it. I admire the children who are being responsible and caring. These are good values. While it should never be solely the child's burden (their first responsibility is school, after all), helping out is a good thing.

I have not kept it secret on this forum that my husband has significant disabilities. From a very young age, our son has taken on some of the responsibility for his care. Not most of it -- that is for me -- but as part of a family with a disabled member, everyone shares in that responsibility. It is part of being in a family. It is part of caring. It is part of love.

And it not only helps me out when our son pitches in, it is also good for him, I'm convinced.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

I helped when my dad was terminally ill. Frankly, if I had been excluded because of my age, I would've been angry (I was a teenager afterall), and in the long run, my memories would've been less about him and more about how his death affected me.

I can imagine that if a child is the sole care-giver, with no supporting family around, and no choice, it'd be unfair and probably result in poor care for the elderly or sick person. But if this is truly care in a family setting, it isn't bad, it's good.

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :

Yet again, Bob and I are in agreement. High Five, Bob.

Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :

When I was five, my mother had bronchitis that lasted for months. She was hospitalized for some of that time, the rest of it, she spent in bed at home, unable to do anything around the house.

I was in kindergarten, so I was in school only half a day. When I came home from school, I had to clean the house, do laundry, and make dinner (including chopping veggies and cooking on a stove - in other words, a real meal) for the family - no supervision, just my mother yelling instructions to me from her bed.

I did more housework than the entire res of the family combined, and I was the youngest. It also set a precedent for the rest of my life in that household that I was responsible for that amount of housework until I moved out. I felt like nothing more than a slave or a piece of furniture. I had little or no time for play or other things that interested me, yet my siblings did.

When my father had his brain aneurysms, I was forced into a situation of providing some amount of care for him. It disturbingly (to me) began in the hospital when my father had to use the washroom and he could walk by that point, and the nurse just assumed that I would help him. I freaked and left the room.

While I agree that children providing care in a family situation as Tante and Bob have described can be a good thing, I can also see where it can go very wrong very fast.

My reservations are based on a. the child taking on too much responsibility and b. the child taking on responsibility that is not appropriate for a child. I've seen the wrong side of both of those. Hopefully, what I experienced is not common.

Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :

quote:
Nearly all help with shopping, household tasks and meal preparation, the report says.

Um . . . shouldn't all children be doing this, whether or not there is a ill or disabled family member?

Edit -- quid, I absolutely agree that what you describe is innapropriate. But I think that lumping together kids 8-18 and tasks ranging from helping someone get out of a chair to full on nursing care means that the article's numbers -- 58% of children 8-18 do at least one of these activities -- are meaningless in terms of documenting a problem.

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :

Quid, what you describe is not appropriate; it is abuse. There is a difference between an adult assuming the responsibility for care and delegating some tasks to the children and a child assuming responsibility for care.

Five years old was too young for you to be doing all that. I picture you as Cinderella, scrubbing the hearth, while her sisters dress for the ball.

Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :

Quidrella!

Yeah, you know, I don't like the sound of that. Why would it be that one family member would end up getting the lion's share of the work? That doesn't seem fair, even if that person is the oldest. It really should be shared among everyone who is able.

Quid, were you the only girl or something "traditional" like that? I know in some cultures, the youngest daughter is given responsibility for the parents in their old age. But it shouldn't extend to kindergarten age children. Sheesh!

Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :

dkw - I agree. That's why I qualified my reservations the way I did. I think in a regular family, it's normal and healthy for children to contribute.

I have two older brothers and an older sister, and yes, I always viewed it as abuse, too. It was just that I was scapegoated. Everything was always my fault in that family, including when my siblings did anything wrong. The family dynamics are, oh, screwed up, and I don't feel like getting into all of that. Sufficient to say that I was a piece of furniture, no better, and they used me however they wanted to. I was in no position to decline.

Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :

quote:
Why would it be that one family member would end up getting the lion's share of the work?

This is a common, common pattern in families with parent addictions. It doesn't get as much attention as the problems that result from children mimicking the addictive behaviors themselves, but it is just as bad in its own way.

Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this study wasn't done very well.

And quid, that's just wrong. I'm sorry. I'm glad you have Fahim now instead. [Kiss]

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :

Her Prince Charming. May you live happily ever after.

Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :

Thanks, kq and Tante. And yeah, I also appreciate Fahim. [Smile]

What scares me is that situations like mine are likely happening in other families. How many, I have no idea, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. Perhaps the bigger question is how to prevent this more extreme version from happening to others.

Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :

The answer to that is the answer to about a thousand other problems in the world. [Frown]

Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :

What, wait for the Millenium? [Frown]

Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :

Yeah, exactly.

Posted by Samarkand (Member # 8379) on :

Or have stronger communities right now. And 500 years in the future. [Wink]

There are countless organizations that work in child welfare, and we should also never underestimate our ability as individuals to insitute positive change. Defeatism never helped anyone, least of all whoever was wandering around being defeatist. Not that I think any of you are actually defeatist normally, you seem highly proactive.