My son and I are moving in with my folks. All the times I wanted to leave him, but stuck it out. Was I being an idiot?
[ November 23, 2005, 02:28 PM: Message edited by: mimsies ]
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I don't have much advice to offer, but I do have lots of *hugs* and good thoughts.
-pH
Posted by Evie3217 (Member # 5426) on :
No. I don't think so. I think that you truely believed that you could have made the relationship work. He apparently is ready to move on to different things. I don't think you were being stupid for trying to keep a relation going. I'm so sorry though and I hope you will find your way. It's going to be tough in the transition, but always know that you have Hatrack.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
IMO, if the reason you stuck around was to try and save your marriage for yourself, your husband and your child then you were most certainly NOT an idiot.
These things take work - it's not your fault you were the only one who wished to expend that work.
(((mimsies)))
I'm so sorry.
If you don't mind me asking, how old is your son?
Posted by mimsies (Member # 7418) on :
He is 6, cute as a button, brilliant, sweet and sensitive
Posted by mimsies (Member # 7418) on :
not that I'm biased or anything
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Not at all.
Posted by Evie3217 (Member # 5426) on :
He does sound very sweet.
Posted by mimsies (Member # 7418) on :
Thanks. I'm sleepy now. I'm going to the couch now... which is actually a giant beanbag filled with foam instead of beans. I sleep there a lot already!
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
(((hugs))) Good luck.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
((((Mimsies)))), it sucks. I wish you well.
Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
Wow, I'm sorry.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I'm so sorry. Please take care of yourself (and your son, of course). It takes awhile to get past the hurt and realize the opportunities that are now before you.
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
You have my sympathy, as well. Good luck with this transition, and all that comes after it.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
I'm so sorry, mimsies. Really, if there's anything I can do for you, please let me know. I'll be thinking of you.
Posted by beatnix19 (Member # 5836) on :
I'm sorry to hear about this. Definitely not easy. But from experience I can tell you things do get better. My divorce should finalize this month and things have been getting steadily better each day for both myslef and my kids. Good luck and hang in there!
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
mimsies, I am so sorry. I have been where you are, and beatnix is right -- it does get better. But right now, it just sucks. A whole lot.
But you can know that YOU did what you could to try to hold things together and repair your marriage. But it takes two.
*hug* You are blessed with a wonderful child, it sounds like. Good luck to both of you!
And feel free to email or IM me whenever.
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
I wish I could say something that would help. All I can do is assure you that you are NOT an idiot, not by any means.
You have a wonderful son to focus your energies on. I wish you the best of luck getting back on your feet.
*hugs*
Posted by Stray (Member # 4056) on :
I'm in a similar place to you right now, mimsies (and beatnix), though I don't have kids. It does get better, I promise. And you are not not NOT an idiot. Never think that. *big hugs*
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
*hugs* Oh honey, I'm sorry. You are definitely not an idiot.
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
I'm sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. G'd willling, all will turn out for the best in the end.
Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
I'm sorry to hear it, but may the road before you be smoother and happier for yourself and your family.
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
Don't blame yourself. Marriages don't always work out. And even though it's harder, it's sometimes better to be strong now for a better life for you and your son tomorrow.
Posted by Will B (Member # 7931) on :
People break promises. I wish they didn't.
Posted by IanO (Member # 186) on :
I'm so sorry. It hurts, I know. Especially when children are involved. But, as hard as it is to believe, it gets livable after a while and eventually, even liberating. Take care of yourself and your son. That truly helps. And try not to be bitter and filled with anger, as natural as that might be. It's not easy, but refusing to indulge in such negative thinking is healthy- both for yourself and your child.
((mimsies))
Posted by mimsies (Member # 7418) on :
Thanks everyone. We still have to tell my son... UGH
Posted by Irami Osei-Frimpong (Member # 2229) on :
UGH
Good luck.
Posted by airmanfour (Member # 6111) on :
My parents divorced when i was six. i don't even remember thoughts from that time, just feelings. Good luck mimsies.
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
I am sorry for you and your son, this type of situation sucks for everyone envolved. Posted by mimsies (Member # 7418) on :
New plan... He will be moving out within the next few months Sequoyah and I will spend most of the week at my folks, and every other weekend Sequoyah will stay here with his dad until we save enough for him to move. I am going to tell him to ask to borrow money from his dad to expedite the process. If he won't maybe I should ask his dad. I know I'm not thinking entirely straight, so I don't know if that is a good idea or not
Posted by Theaca (Member # 8325) on :
quote:Originally posted by mimsies: we save enough for him to move.
That "we" makes me nervous. I'm not sure what you mean by we. He can't afford to keep the house/apartment and you don't want it either?
Posted by ctm (Member # 6525) on :
quote:Originally posted by mimsies: I know I'm not thinking entirely straight, so I don't know if that is a good idea or not
It's a hard time and there are lots of decisions to make. My advice is to stay out of anything between him and his dad. I echo Theaca's concern about "we" saving enough... unless you can trust your soon-to-be-ex-husband (and maybe you can, certainly my ex and I did not have problems in that area) be real careful of finances.
Obviously, I've been through this before, and it does get better, but it is oh so hard at first. Telling my kids was the hardest thing I've ever done.
Posted by Boon (Member # 4646) on :
That sucks. I can't say I've been exactly in your shoes, but I have been through the pain and hurt of a divorce. If there's anything I can do for you, let me know.
Posted by mimsies (Member # 7418) on :
"We" because I am and have been a save at home homemaker for six years, and am looking for jobs, but the only income is his currently, and we do not have enough for 2 different places, or enough to establish another residence right now. We have to save up for a deposite, and rent, and hopefully a cushion for each. My parents will help me out at least. I can't say the same about his parents and him though. That's NOT my problem, except that if I want him out of MY home, I am willing to help him figure out how to make moving financially viable. He wants a place in the same apartment complex. This would be good for Sequoyah I think.
Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
I'll second ctm's advice. Do not get involved in anything between him and his father. You definitely have enough on your own plate. And I get a funny feeling about the idea of XH living in the same apartment complex as you and your son. I don't know why exactly, but it just feels wrong to me.
And you were absolutely NOT an idiot for sticking around, no matter how you're feeling.
Posted by Samarkand (Member # 8379) on :
I'm so sorry. Is the beanbag a LoveSac? I had to sleep on one for awhile, and they're actually pretty comfortable. I hope that you have your own place soon.
I guess I would just try to keep anything having to do with finances very clear, aboveboard, and in writing. If you haven't already done so, you should get separate accounts and credit cards. Any spending decisions either of you make or loans you defaults on could affect the other's credit negatively. Remember that Hatrack is hear to offer practical solutions and ideas when you're ready to tear your hair out. *hug*
Posted by mimsies (Member # 7418) on :
The bean bag is called a Foof. We are working out the financial details now.
I wold be really uncomfortable about the same apartment comples too, but I am not scared of him, and I don't distrust him with my son.
We looked at the rent, and it doesn't seem possible anyway. We'll see.
Posted by Historian (Member # 8858) on :
My ex and I do still have our joint checking account from back then. It actually makes things easier. I have a separate account and so does she, at the same bank. With the wonders of modern banking on the 14th and the 28th the alloted support amount is transferred out of my account in to the joint account, where it sits for less than a day before she transfers it in to hers. The transaction is logged by the bank so there is always proof that it was made and she gets the use of it immediately. No waiting for the check to be mailed and then cashed...
My ex and I are much better apart than we ever were together and we wisely split before it got bitter.
Posted by whiskysunrise (Member # 6819) on :
Good luck. *hug*
Posted by romanylass (Member # 6306) on :
I am so sorry. I hope everything goes smoothly and stays amicable.
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
I'm sorry mimsies. That's very hard. Been there, though my son was much younger when it happened.
Unless you're getting everything you need or want, please be careful. You two are no longer "we", so you need to start thinking in terms of "I" enough to protect yourself and your son's interests. Make sure that you get enough to live on and decently support your son. I hesitate to suggest getting a reputable lawyer, but it is the best way to protect yourself.
And wait a good while after the split is complete before beginning any new relationships. It would be best if you have a good, wise, trustworthy friend you can bouce ideas off of before you make any big decisions. If you have such a friend, treat them like gold, and rely on them and their advice. The experience of divorce is more maddening than you realize until much later. Having an outside perspective is very helpful sometimes.
Best of luck to you and especially your son. I'm sad you're having to go through this.
Posted by MyrddinFyre (Member # 2576) on :
((hugs))
Posted by mimsies (Member # 7418) on :
WHAT is WITH this guy. He is acting all hurt and ridiculing me for not sleeping in "our" bed with him during the times Sequoyah and I are here.
What the hell kinda game is he playing?
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
quote:WHAT is WITH this guy. He is acting all hurt and ridiculing me for not sleeping in "our" bed with him during the times Sequoyah and I are here.
What the hell kinda game is he playing?
there are million reasons, not many of them good.
Mostly related to guilt and wanting to be loved and keep a self-perception as the "good guy" even while hurting you.
It's not uncommon. And people often fall into a trap of rekindling the relationship only to find that the divorce was a better idea in the first place. But hey, sometimes not.
Posted by ctm (Member # 6525) on :
Mind games, I guess. Even though this was his decision, I'm sure he is stressed out and confused etc. Don't do anything you aren't confortable with and try not to take his ridicule seriously.
I've been thinking about you, mimsies, and praying for you. Hope you and your son are doing okay... keep us posted.
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
((mimsies))
Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on :
I think a lot of people make the choice to end a marriage without realizing what it means at all. It was a nasty shock to my ex- when I started saying "no" to things... but she got over it pretty quickly.
I hope this goes well for you, Mimsies, and I am praying for you in this difficult time...
And because I didn't say so earlier: You are never an idiot for trying... *much hugs*
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
I have never gone through a divorce, but I have gone through a very nasty relationship breakdown (after 4 1/2 years).
And although I was the one there doing the breaking-up, I experienced everything from my ex lashing out at me and insinuating things about my sexual behaviour to (in the same night) belittling me because I wouldn't sleep in the same bed with him "in a platonic way". And it didn't make sense at all.
It's hard. *hugs*
Posted by mimsies (Member # 7418) on :
OK the current plan:
We are seeing a mediator on the 30th, he'll be paying. We want to keep it out of court.
Sequoyah (my son) will be seeing a child counselor in our new hometown Alex says he'll pay anything and everything not covered by insurance for that. He's a VERY sensitive little boy, and already prone to depression over traumas ( he went into a real depression after our cat dies last yr for example) He seems relieved that he'll be seeing a counselor to play with and talk to.
Alex is now playing happy family, and is being a better father and husband than he has been in years. It is nice because our last weeks together will be pleasant instead of frought with pain, bitterness, and overwhelming emotions.
My son and I WILL be moving, as will Alex. Sequoyah seems happy to be going to our home with Grandma and Grandpa where he will be near his cousins.
I'm coping. I don't cry infront of Sequoyah or Alex anymore, but I'm really hurting I guess.
Thanks for all your encouragement and advice everyone.
-Mimi
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
*hugs* I'm glad things are not acrimonious.
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
Kudos for taking such good care of your son. Take care of you too, ok? (((mimsies)))
Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
The holidays are coming and it can be a very stressful time for someone going through what you are. Please, be gentle with yourself and take the time to enjoy some things.
Hugs, hopes and prayers to you and yours.
Posted by romanylass (Member # 6306) on :
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