Have you ever cried so much that you think you're going to throw up? That's about where I am right now. I don't have any real purpose for this thread other than for people to maybe try to convince me that all of humanity isn't entirely devoid of feeling.
I hate Chicago. I haven't made any real friends since I got here. Everyone uses me. I'm not nearly as socially successful as I seem. Not by a long shot. I never have been.
I hate New Orleans, too. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, and I'm starting to think I'll never belong, no matter where I live or what I do or how many fake friends I have.
I just want someone to be my friend. My real friend. Who really, honestly enjoys spending time with me and doesn't just call me because I can spare $20 or because I can get him/her on the guest list for whatever the concert of the night is
I want to meet a guy who really doesn't mind terribly that I won't have sex with him. Or that I'm really into having a career. Or that I like to be called on the phone every day, even if there's nothing to say besides, "How was your day?"
I just want people to CARE about me. I care about them. I care about everyone. Way too much, I'm sure.
I'm starting to question if I've ever had any real friends. Or if anyone has ever really loved me.
I feel so alone here, but I know I'm going to feel just as alone in New Orleans, too.
I'm just very, very depressed, and I have been for quite a while, and a lot of things happened recently to make it much more obvious to me.
I like to think that people enjoy spending time with me for ME, but I'm constantly reminded that this is not the case.
I'm so desperate for companionship that I'm considering moving out to San Francisco because a girl I went to school with freshman year lives there, and she actually talks to me and seems to care about how I feel and what I'm going through.
What is it that's so fundamentally wrong with me that I can't keep friends or relationships for more than a few months?
-pH
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
*tissue* I am sorry. I have trouble making friends myself, and a relationship at this point in time seems hopeless... Though, I seem to be rather madly in love though... I am sorry you feel alone and if I were there I would hang out with you as long as you did not drag me to see terrible movies. *pours tea*
Posted by Derrell (Member # 6062) on :
(((pH))) You're not the only one who's ever felt that way. I've spent most of my life wondering if there's a place where I belong. I felt like a sailboat adrift on an open sea with no land in sight.
Then I found Hatrack.
I don't know that I have any advice, but it might be comforting to know that you're not the only one who's ever felt that way.
Posted by Paul Goldner (Member # 1910) on :
I have teh same problem, Pearce. Probably for different reasons then you, but, I always feel like people don't really like spending time with me.
But that doesn't mean there is something fundamentally wrong with you or me. In my case, I find its because I'm a very intense person. Thats draining for a lot of people. I also have a weird slow manner of speaking, and that can be off-putting. I like being intense, and having a slow manner of speaking isn't a "fundamental character flaw."
You might want to talk to family members that you care about, or other people you don't consider "friends" to tell you if there's something that makes it hard for people to hang out with you. You might have quirks you are unaware of that make it hard for people to spend time with you.
Alternatively, you might look at the type of people you make friends with. A lot of people who get into the music scene ARE fundamentally unreliable people. It has to do with being of an artistic bent, I suspect (and note: my grandmother is of an artistic bent, and fundamentally unreliable until very recently. This is not meant as a derogatory statement at artists. My grandmother is quite possibly the most brilliant person I've ever met). Do you make friends with, primarily, artists? That might be a problem if you want extreme reliability.
Where do you seek out your friends? Meeting people at bars is a notoriously unreliable way to make friends, as an example.
It might be that you need to seek out more stable people, rather then seeking out people who have similar interests. If you seek out stable people, and then within that set of people look for the subset of people you enjoy, that might be better then looking for people you enjoy, and then trying to find the subset of those people who are stable, because of the search methodologies those two methods imply.
If its any consolation, I'm a big fan of yours, Kat, and you can always talk to me.
[ December 03, 2005, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: Paul Goldner ]
Posted by aiua (Member # 7825) on :
I feel quite the same every once in a while. Would you like to be friends?
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
pH,
there's NOTHING wrong with you.
And there are people out there who will call you every day just to say Hi, and ask how your day was, and not expect sex unless/until you want it, etc.
And, I hope you feel they are worth waiting for.
When you find one, hold on fast!
Posted by Dante (Member # 1106) on :
Pearce, I've really been kicking myself that I missed seeing you when you came down here. I think you're cool.
Bob's advice is good. There are great people out there, but it can sometimes feel like it's taking way too long to find them. But keep looking, and remember that they're looking for you, too.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
quote: I hate Chicago. I haven't made any real friends since I got here.
I know I'm a bit far and a bit too old to fall into the "real friend" category, but the invitation is STILL open, y'know. Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
I've been there.
It sucks, but tomorrow's another day.
Sorry I don't have anything better than tired platitudes for you.
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
First of all, I really liked the thread title. We get so many threads here that could bear that title, but yours was the only one that did.
Second of all, I think the key thing that resonated with me in your post was this:
quote:I'm just very, very depressed, and I have been for quite a while, and a lot of things happened recently to make it much more obvious to me.
Perhaps if you get help with your depression (there are pills now that work wonders, you know) things will look up. A change in mood, a change in perception, suddenly, you are more fun to be with, more engaging, the "work" of socializing seems less like work, and you find your situation changed.
Third, I'd be glad to schmooze with you for no other reason than the pleasure of your company. I mean, I'm on Hatrack, like, all the time. Post a "Who wants to schmooze?" thread, any I'll be all over it!
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I definitely am considering going back on antidepressants (Wellbutrin, specifically).
I have a lot of trouble with therapists and psychiatrists. I'm a very bad patient. I hate therapists and tend to lie to them because I feel as though they're judging me. And I generally love psychiatrists and will be very honest with them at first but will later start to lie about my feelings so that they think they're making wonderful progress because I want them to think they're good at their jobs.
Also, I have a pattern of quitting medication without even consulting my doctor.
-pH
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
And why would you do that? Lie to your therapists, quit your medications? Don't you like yourself? Don't you want to be better?
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I lie to therapists because, in general, I don't like them. I have yet to meet a therapist I liked.
And as I said, I feel sorry for my psychiatrists, so I lie to them, too. I guess I kind of feel like a hopeless case, and I don't want to drag them down by telling them that what they're doing really isn't working as well as they want it to.
And I stop taking medication when it scares me. Like, there are certain medications I've been on that are not recommended for more than a year because of the risk of degenerative nerve disease. I'll stop taking them if I've been on them for a long time and find out about that, generally. Also, I'll stop taking them if I feel they have a horrible side effect, and my doctor doesn't understand how much I dislike this side effect.
Mostly, I hate having to take pills every day. A lot of people with OCD have trouble staying on medication because we tend to have control issues.
-pH
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Pearce, aren't your parents (at least one of them, anyway) in the mental health field?
Posted by Speed 2: Cruise Control (Member # 6765) on :
quote:Originally posted by Tante Shvester: Perhaps if you get help with your depression (there are pills now that work wonders, you know) things will look up.
Careful, don't let Tom Cruise hear you say that. Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
No, they're both attorneys. They have very limited knowledge of ocd and depression (though they do heavy research on every drug I've taken), but I think I finally got my mother to read a book about it last year. That was a good thing.
-pH
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
quote:Originally poste d by Speed 2: Cruise Control: Careful, don't let Tom Cruise hear you say that.
Tom, you have to come out of the closet.
-pH
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
quote:Careful, don't let Tom Cruise hear you say that.
He's not cool enough for Hatrack!
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
At least you are not a penguin *Watching this penguin movie*
But, you belong to a religion, right? Is there a religious therapist that you can see? Someone who will help you to deal with these issues without judgement? Do you have a bit of social phobia like I do? (though my case is a bit different, a huge chuck of me seems to like being alone and rarely gets homesick, but I can relate to the feeling of not belonging and longing for close good friends like I had when I was in college, and perhaps a mate would be nice (Especially if it was...)) But is there a way to treat tehse issues without pills or something? Please do not feel hopeless...
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I'm some sort of Protestant.
I've been told that I require therapy at least once a week, maybe twice. I can't get that through the school, as most of them can only schedule appointments for twice a month, max. So I'd have to find an outside therapist, which is probably something I should do.
I don't really have social anxiety at all. I love meeting new people. I love to go out and have a good time with them. I just don't feel like any of them want to be out having a good time with ME. You know?
Also, I'm far too clingy, and I know it scares people away, but I'm deathly afraid of being abandoned by those I care about.
-pH
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
Eh, I can understand the hating therapist part. I don't like em either. I can also understand the forgeting to take meds or quitting them. Been there, and still do it. Albeit, the meds I quit taking weren't for depression. I probably should be on some, but the service wouldn't like that so I have to hide it.
((pH)), you're a good person. I can tell that from the few e-mails you sent me. I'm just sorry my responses weren't all that. I find it difficult to hold intelligent conversations in the written/typed word. I'm sure if I met you in person you would be a fun person to hang out with.
Posted by tern (Member # 7429) on :
I don't think that you are alone in feeling alone.
Personally, I'm lucky if I have one or two close friends at any given time. Right now, I have none. That's probably because I've just moved, and it takes me a while to get close friends.
It's difficult sometimes, I go to class and during break, or before class everyone is standing around talking, and it feels like I am the only person who isn't in a group. And because I'm in law school, where people skills and networking matter, and I suck at networking, I really feel inferior.
I wish that I could give you advice, but all I can say is "patience", and hope that as you get older that you will be less bothered by it. I know that while I am a little disquieted now by feeling left out, it is nothing compared to the soul-crushing feeling of uselessness that I used to have.
Posted by ambyr (Member # 7616) on :
quote:I don't really have social anxiety at all. I love meeting new people. I love to go out and have a good time with them. I just don't feel like any of them want to be out having a good time with ME. You know?
That sounds like social anxiety to me. . .it doesn't manifest in the same form all the time.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
I'm pretty intense myself. Some might say it's a bit clingy. When I like people I like people TOO MUCH. I did see a rather nice German psychologist who would at times glare at me like a hawk, but I did like her.
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
You remind me of my friend a little. It's very tough for her to feel liked/loved, because like you she loves to talk and do things and can't stand passive things like watching people play computer games.
I always feel ill-qualified at handing out advice, except to say there are people like you out there. Maybe join some kind of drama or production-related club? drama-type people usually like to talk a lot and they tend to be very, very caring, if you'll let them. They also tend to exist less in the mainstream world and might understand where you're coming from a little more.
It's also easier to meet people if you're doing something at the same time.
Also, remember that a friendship needs to be formed both ways, so when you find a person or group that's willing to listen and reach out to you, be ready to reach out and listen to them, because then the link grows stronger!
EDIT: This particular friend of mine feels kind of the same way that when she's with her friends they don't really want to be with her. Even I have to be very careful what I say because if I say something like "I'm tired" when we're out together, she might take that to mean I don't want to be with her, or I'm not interested in her interests or what happens to her. That's not the case, I'm just my own person saying something that happens to be true.
There might be someone among your friends, there may be many of them, who just aren't as demonstrative as you'd like, but do actually care about you. It takes me about a year to form a real friendship and about two or three years to really get close to someone and even then I'm not a particularly "close" person. But I do care about my friends very much.
People will like you!
Posted by esl (Member # 3143) on :
pH, it would be very cool if you moved out to San Francisco! Then we could be friends too. or friends who see each other once in a while, since people don't hafta be in the same physical location to be friends. So you can try my in the virtual realm: serdtse AT gmail.com
Hope you feel less depressed, pH. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Thanks for letting us know.
Posted by Rappin' Ronnie Reagan (Member # 5626) on :
((((Pearce))))
I'm really sorry you're feeling all that right now. I've been feeling pretty horrible lately, too. I seem to have lost the ability to make friends. When I started college in 2003 and went up to New York, I only made one friend in a semester and a half. Then I came back here and the only friends I have are 4 from high school, and they've all got new friends they've made in college so I feel pretty alone. I'm sorry I don't have any advice; I just wanted to commiserate with you. But I think there's hope for you, because you don't seem nearly as screwed up as I am. :P I think I missed out on whatever stage of development in which people learn how to interact in social situations.
quote:I just want people to CARE about me. I care about them. I care about everyone. Way too much, I'm sure.
I can relate to this a lot. Since I mainly lurk, I feel like a know people a lot more than they know me, and in turn feel a lot closer to them than they me. And I want to be one of them and go to gatherings and chat on aim and email and everything and it's depressing that I'm not. I doubt anyone online would even notice if I disappeared.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
Seattle, pH, Seattle.
It's calling you.
Posted by aiua (Member # 7825) on :
Because there seems to be quite a large group of us feeling much the same way, I vote we start up a club. Club About Lonely Lurkers. In fact, if anyone's (Anyone!) interested I have an aim chat room set up, join me if you wish: CALL.
Posted by esl (Member # 3143) on :
Hey, RRR. Your post there sounds a lot like me. I could have written it. It's sorta weird but I guess there are more loners than I thought. So add me to the commiserating group.
And I have been super procrastinating, otherwise I would check out the chatroom. Thanks aiua.
Posted by Rakeesh (Member # 2001) on :
I have cried so much I wanted to throw up, and been so angry I was convinced if the object of my anger were there, very bad things would've happened.
Fortunately for me, I have never cried about your particular subject, but self-pity in general, I think I've done my share to replenish the world's oceans. It may sound like I'm making fun of you, but I want to make sure you understand, I'm not.
The trouble with being human is that, sometimes, we feel in enormous quantities. This is either a mixed blessing or a mixed curse, depending on whether you're at the crest or in the trough.
I hope it will help, at least a little, to see this thread with Hatrackers who you've met (easier to think of them as 'people' that way) who have felt the same way. Humanity isn't entirely devoid of feeling-quite the opposite. We feel in gobs and gobs and gobs.
There isn't anything 'wrong' with you. Human beings just aren't ideally functioning creatures of perfection. We've all got our foibles and our skills, and frankly for someone not to cry so hard they wanted to throw up, sometimes, that would be a bigger indicator of malfunction than the crying itself.
I think you're pretty cool. Hell, even your screen name has pazazz (pizazz, puhzazz?). I've also got faith that you'll overcome this problem, probably sooner than you think you will.
My advice is probably what you've given yourself already-take a look at your history with psychiatrists and therapists, and try and change past behaviors. There isn't much you can do about not liking therapists-and frankly I can't entirely blame you, I can easily imagine meeting lots of therapists and not liking any of them. And try to change your outlook on psychiatrists when you see them (and above all, start seeing one again, soon). They are trained to know that quick, easy fixes are the things of television and TV dinners. They will not be hurt, they will not think themselves low-quality psychiatrists, if your efforts together do not bear quick and easy fruit.
As I've said, this is probably something you've told yourself before, but depression is a tricky, slippery thing. It confuses us, makes us doubt our rational thoughts, makes us think we are both greater and lesser than we truly are. It's like a busted compass. So I'll just add my post here, and hopefully the cumulative weight will help persuade you all the more quickly.
Oh, and I also suggest visting Tom. I hear he's pretty cool and stuff.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
pH, there are a lot of people who have felt like you feel now. Count me in.
What helped for me was deciding to draw boundaries. What kind of behavior in me did I not like, and what kind of behavior was I no longer willing to put up with in other people?
You mention
quote:call me because I can spare $20 or because I can get him/her on the guest list for whatever the concert of the night is
Okay, I get it. You don't like feeling used. So don't. Don't let people use you. Say no. Firmly, and mean it. Don't let them do whatever it is that makes you feel bad about you.
If you're hanging around people who you feel use you, then you're not really giving people who wouldn't use you the time and/or opportunity to get to know you.
Change your tactics. Start acting the way you want to act, and don't allow behavior around you that makes you feel bad. If someone behaves in a way that you think is inappropriate, then either tell them no or get away from them.
You don't need to be so clingy as to hang out with people who damage you.
You will find friends who treat you well. You will.
Posted by Rico (Member # 7533) on :
((((pH))))
From most of what I've read here on Hatrack I think you're a good person. Of course, we've never met face to face, but I have no reason to think otherwise and your posts lead me to believe you're a great person.
You're not alone and I doubt there's anything fundamentally wrong with you. Sometimes it's just hard to meet the right people no matter what kind of person you are.
It's a very hard situation to be in, I think pretty much everyone goes through the same thing at one point in their life... just once if they're lucky, but I think it happens more often than you'd think.
Hang in there!
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
quote: I don't really have social anxiety at all. I love meeting new people. I love to go out and have a good time with them. I just don't feel like any of them want to be out having a good time with ME. You know?
Pearce, this is me in a nutshell. And it IS social anxiety -- because it means I'm always thinking, at the back of my mind, "Does he or she REALLY like hanging out with me, or are they just doing this out of pity? Do they want something from me?"
It's like a form of mental cancer. I've often said that the one superpower I WOULDN'T want is telepathy, because I couldn't bear to know what people actually thought of me.
Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
pH, I know how you feel. If you ever need to talk to someone, I'll be on AIM as vianeygpe. I hope I can do something for you.
Posted by blacwolve (Member # 2972) on :
quote:Originally posted by Rappin' Ronnie Reagan: ((((Pearce))))
I'm really sorry you're feeling all that right now. I've been feeling pretty horrible lately, too. I seem to have lost the ability to make friends. When I started college in 2003 and went up to New York, I only made one friend in a semester and a half. Then I came back here and the only friends I have are 4 from high school, and they've all got new friends they've made in college so I feel pretty alone. I'm sorry I don't have any advice; I just wanted to commiserate with you. But I think there's hope for you, because you don't seem nearly as screwed up as I am. I think I missed out on whatever stage of development in which people learn how to interact in social situations.
quote:I just want people to CARE about me. I care about them. I care about everyone. Way too much, I'm sure.
I can relate to this a lot. Since I mainly lurk, I feel like a know people a lot more than they know me, and in turn feel a lot closer to them than they me. And I want to be one of them and go to gatherings and chat on aim and email and everything and it's depressing that I'm not. I doubt anyone online would even notice if I disappeared.
As many other people have said, this sounds like I could have written it.
I'm a sophomore, and I have no close friends at my university. Everytime I meet someone I'd like to be close to, I clam up and get scared of doing anything, because I'm sure that whatever I do will make them not like me. All of my friends from home went off to school this year and they're finding it really easy to make friends and do things. I feel awful for it, but sometimes I wish they were having as hard a time as I am, just so I wouldn't feel like such a freak.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
I went to uni in Brisbane (other side of the country) for a year and I didn't make a single friend. Not even an almost-friend.
Making friends is hard, especially in a new place where you don't know people.
Posted by Shanna (Member # 7900) on :
You can't expect people to want to have a relationship with you when you don't have a good one with yourself.
I used to have real problems making friends and being social. I was self-conscious and afraid of being judged. I tried medication and counseling which helped to a point (counseling helped me define what my issues are and medication, by not working, made me realize this was a fight I was gonna have to win on my own.) Then my littlest brother was diagnozed with diabetes. Watching his brave face reminded me how blessed I was. It was the final straw that knocked me out of my depression.
I spent the following months being appreciative of myself. My self-esteem was up and those around me could tell. People flock to confidence when looking to start friendships. But they'll never be able to read that on a person who is depressed. In the last two months I've strengthened my old relationships, begun new ones, cut ties on the destructive ones, and entered into a romantic relationship.
From what I've seen of your posts on the board, pH, you're a great person and should the New Orleans meet-up ever happen I look forward to getting to know you. It may just be a matter for you of tearing that down wall that is turning potential friends away.
Posted by Rico (Member # 7533) on :
Hope you feel better pH!
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
Wow, pH. Been there, felt that, for way extended periods of time. I won't go into detail on public forum, but I'm happy to listen if you want to e-mail.
My best suggestion, though, is to start cultivating your relationship with yourself.
This is NOT a selfish thing. My impression of your posts here on the forum is that you do care for others - allow yourself to do so in safe ways (for ex., volunteer in your community with a local non-profit organization), BUT really start planning to do special things just for you - even it's just making sure you listen to your internal messages about what you need and meeting those needs for yourself in ways that work for you.
And erosomniac is correct - the PacNW is a great place to be! With lots of interesting folks. And things to do. Just remember, though - no matter the geographic change, you're still you, with the same hopes, fears, needs, dreams!
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Many thanks to Rico for listening to me whine for hours on the phone last night, even though I probably didn't make much sense in my semi-conscious state.
I'm not feeling much better today. Sleep helped with the absolute hysteria, but I'll probably still start crying at some point during the day.
My parents finally agreed to pay for my Wellbutrin though, so I guess I'll start that tomorrow. The biggest thing I remember about being on Wellbutrin was that it gave me energy to do things all day. I haven't had energy for months.
I haven't left the house in three days. Honestly. I've been living on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and stealing orange juice from my roommates. I've been taking way more ativan than usual because I find it impossible to relax, as I am forever worrying about...everything.
At some point during the day, I need to find the motivation to shower and go to the computer lab to work on an analysis.
Some guy I don't really know just invited me to dinner and a movie. I don't know. I wish I could sleep through the next two weeks. I really do.
Maybe I'll pick up another box of Nyquil.
-pH
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
You know, staying in the house will probably just make things worse, as will eating badly and all that stuff. Try doing something out in the world, such as going for a walk- something low-stress but yet active. Activiate your brain, also. Don't try and force yourself to relax, but do something active, but really simple, like crosswords or math puzzles or whatever it is you like to do, or you don't like to do.
And maybe you should go out for the dinner and the movie? The more you feel bad, the more you'll feel bad, if you know what I mean.
You can do this !
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
pH, you also might have a little bit of a post-trauma thing going on. I know you weren’t actually caught in the hurricane, but you did have your life pretty well disrupted by it. Hysteria and crying are pretty reasonable under those circumstances. Even weeks and months later.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Umm, Pearce, Nyquil as a sleep aid? not a good idea. Please don't go down the path of self-medicating, even a little bit, until you've got the depression and OCD stuff back under control.
Sorry to be preachy, but I've seen this kind of thing go very very wrong.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I don't sleep very well unless I take something, which is partly why I have the prescription for Ativan. I try really hard not to take the ativan too often though because I know it's habit-forming, and the last thing I need is to get hooked on something.
I hope the Wellbutrin does some good. I don't even feel like getting dressed. I finally convinced myself to take a shower. I told this guy who invited me out that I'd only go see the movie with him if he'd come to the computer lab with me first, thus insuring that my homework gets finished.
I'm so tired. So very, very tired.
-pH
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Take care of yourself.
Posted by Zeugma (Member # 6636) on :
quote:And it IS social anxiety -- because it means I'm always thinking, at the back of my mind, "Does he or she REALLY like hanging out with me, or are they just doing this out of pity? Do they want something from me?"
Is this not a normal way to feel? Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
I used to feel that way, but the healthier I got emotionally, the less it showed up.
Normal, perhaps. Healthy? No.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
I'm always afraid I smell funky.
Posted by Rico (Member # 7533) on :
Like I said Pearce, anytime Posted by smitty (Member # 8855) on :
(((pH))) pH, I like you, hate Chicago. :-) I felt as you did for many years, but fortunately I found a friend in college who is one of those life long, would die for each other friends, and then I found a wonderful woman I felt the same way about. It just takes time to find that right someone.
On a side note, my wife is also on some form on anti-depressant, anti-anxiety medecine. It was hard for me, because 1) I've never been a "better living through medecine" kind of guy, and 2) surely being married to me can't be THAT depressing. But, it is really wonderful stuff for those that need it (which seems like nearly everyone nowadays), assuming you find the right one that has the side effects you can live with.
As for a guy that can be with a girl without sex, we exist. We're just really quiet. Kell and I didn't believe in pre-marital sex, and after we were married she had some problems that delayed things for over a year. If you care abou the person, sex is just an expression of that love, not something that is "mandatory"
I would bring my wife with me to Chicago to give you a hug, but I exiled myself from that city after my last trip there. I really, really hate Chicago. <shiver> But, I do know some GREAT people in New Orleans (including my very best friend and his lovely new fiance) that I could probably hook you up with.
Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
quote: I've often said that the one superpower I WOULDN'T want is telepathy, because I couldn't bear to know what people actually thought of me.
That sounds a lot like me, Tom. I have real trust isssues, I can't trust people easily. It's especially horrible at work because you know some people are just being nice because that's what you do between coworkers, and you never know who really likes you.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
*hugs* Oh, honey. It seems like you are getting love through the board, and I'm glad for that. I think medicine if you need it can be an absolutely wonderful thing. I wish you all the best - I like you very much.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
quote: I really, really hate Chicago.
I've got to say that I don't quite get this. I've been to a LOT of cities in this country, and Chicago is easily in my top five. Maybe you're just not doing the right things or talking to the right people while there?
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quote: It's especially horrible at work because you know some people are just being nice because that's what you do between coworkers, and you never know who really likes you.
This, by the way, is precisely why I deliberately avoid cultivating "work friends."
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
I have discovered that social interactions at work are much better since I have adopted the following policy:
1. No personal information, ever. 2. Give them a hook. They need something to associate you with. Mine is Harry Potter - it's my theme, it's something that if someone wants to make small talk they can bring up, most people have either read the books or watched the movies, and it makes shopping for me easy.
Posted by smitty (Member # 8855) on :
I think it's more the traffic situation - every time I go through Chicago, I'm delayed significantly. The last time, we were waiting in traffic for about 5 hours. I really don't have anything against the city, I've just never had a good time when I was there.
I would likely dislike KC too, if I didn't make it a point to travel through it in the wee hours of the morning - I tried it once during the day, and a surprised I survived!
Actually, I have a pretty funny story about Chicago - I was taking my sister with me to a birthday party for a buddy, and she had been sleeping... She woke up, and saw the Sears tower, and said "look! The Bat-Building". Later she saw Lake Michigan and said "I didn't know we would be this close to the ocean!". I'm not sure if the fact she was 20 at the time makes it more or less funny.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
quote: I think it's more the traffic situation - every time I go through Chicago, I'm delayed significantly.
The south and west suburbs of Chicago are pretty much undrivable -- particularly I-94, and especially near where it hits Indiana. That's because Chicago sits at the intersection of the only two real interstates that navigate the Great Lakes area, which means that all traffic going from, say, Iowa to Michigan passes through the same road. Which is always under construction in Indiana, because Indiana highway funds are used to keep half the population of Gary employed.
If they ever managed to build a bridge across Lake Michigan -- from Sheboygan to Pentwater, say -- half that traffic would go away.
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
I like Chicago.
But I was there for four days with my family. If I had to move there I'd quickly get sick of it I think.
Posted by smitty (Member # 8855) on :
Well, I get on around Gary, so I'm part of the problem, not part of the solution. I've only passed through Chi-town about 9 or 10 times, and actually stayed there for any length of time (not counting traffic) about 3 times. I wasn't actually meaning to disrespect your city or anything Tom, was just kidding around. But I did seriously exile myself. Since my wife wants to go back (there's some little suburb up there she likes, and it's the nearest place for the BIG scrapbook conventions), I imagine I'll be back through next year.
Posted by sweetbaboo (Member # 8845) on :
I beg to differ about KC, the highway system there is fairly effective, especially compared to where I now live (Boston).
PH hang in there. I learned a great lesson from a friend that I email that always talks about she is "so darling" or is "so funny" and "too bad they don't know what they're missing when they don't sit by me" type thing. Mostly I laugh because I know her very well but she taught me that we have to allow ourselves to think good thoughts about ourselves too. Sometimes I make them up and say them (it makes me laugh to say it when it's so obviously adsurd) but it also helps sometimes too. The trick is to not put anyone else down either---happy, upbeat and a complete "fake it 'til it's real" type attitude.
I don't think this "attitude" adjustment is replacement for medicine--maybe just in addition to? I find it helps me out of my pity party.
Either way, you're not alone. Posted by smitty (Member # 8855) on :
Well, we are talking in comparison to Greene County, Indiana, where "traffic" is usually 3 cars stuck behind a slow-moving tractor....
Sorry to get completely off your topic, pH. Leaving trafffic worries to civil engineers.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
*hugs* pH I have wanted to see you since you've been up here. However, I've been pretty chained to my desk of late. I'm also not on the internet much over weekends, though this past weekend we didn't really have anything going on. Between the snow and my ear infection, I curled up in my house and was basically a hermit. We could at least have had a winter pity party together, and ritually massacred cheap snowmen from the dollar store or something.
I seriously wonder if light levels may be a problem also. I really notice being gloomier this time of year, and not really because of the holidays either. I actually look forward to the Winter Equinox more than Christmas because I know the days will be lengthening again. New Orleans is probably close to 1000 miles south of here, and as a result during winter, you still have longer amounts of daylight than up here.
Overall though I like Chicago, because it has the ammenities of a big city, and because moving here was a *choice* I made. When you end up somewhere, because you don't have a choice, it's an entirely different scenario. I hate Norman, Oklahoma for many similar reasons, I went there because I kind of got shoved to go there without being allowed much choice in the matter. I did make friends there, but you have had even less choice in the matter over this relocation than I did.
*hugs*
AJ
Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
quote: No personal information, ever.
I experienced that it was nearly impossible in some work environments, especially if it is desperately female. They always want to know how's your family and how you spent your week-end and there's no polite way to get out of it. *sigh*
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
New Orleans is just under 30 degrees in lattitude while Chicago is about 42 degrees. There's close to an hour difference in the amount of daylight at this time of year.
AJ
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
And it gets dark at 5:30 here.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I wonder if the light thing does make a difference. I think part of the reason I dislike Chicago so much is where I have to live. The school gave me housing (four girls to a two-bedroom on-campus apartment, aka dorm with a kitchen) in Roger's Park. Which sort of creeps me out at night. Also, I don't have my car here (it's in a parking space downtown), so I don't really have any way to safely get around after dark. And yes, the fact that it gets dark very early definitely factors in.
Plus, not having a car makes it much harder to get to things like the movies. There's a theatre about fifteen minutes' walk away, but it's very small (4 screens), so most of the time it takes me forever to get anywhere and do anything.
Also, the bums here have been known to harass and try to pick fights with my male friends.
I forgot my prescription at home, or I would've had it filled downtown during my lunch break. I'll have to do that tonight.
I didn't make it to the movies last night; my homework took a lot longer than I'd anticipated.
Exams start in a week, but I may be able to spare a few hours this weekend, if anyone wants to meet up.
-pH
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
It's Monday. Got plans for tonight?
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Probably going to be writing up the Methodology section of a group project.
Yay, describing a research procedure that we didn't even follow!
-pH
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Well, just as I thought my day was going a little better, I came home from school and discovered that two of my roommates (by way of my other roommate, for God forbid they confront me directly) want to have a "meeting" apparently about my getting drunk and arguing with someone I had over Friday night.
You have no idea how much this angers me, considering how incredibly inconsiderate they've been in houseguests and party-type-things all semester. Basically, the one night things go wrong for me (which I apologized for), they want to make a big deal out of it, but if they have their entire business frat pledge class over to drink and talk loudly in the living room when I want to read or watch tv or sleep, it should be no big deal. I put up with their behavior and their boyfriends being over all the time and their attitudes because I always felt like I was imposing on them because they didn't ask to have a fourth roommate. In all honesty, I've been miserable here for a while. I've taken every opportunity I could to leave and stay somewhere else.
I'm pretty sure a lot of words are going to be said tonight. If I had a choice, I'd sleep through the whole damn thing, but now I'm so angry and anxious about the whole situation that I can't relax to do so.
It just seems really unfair to me. And quite honestly, I'd be perfectly happy not discussing the situation at all, since I'm leaving next Saturday and will surely never be back, and then they can forget that I ever existed.
-pH
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
You know...I have a futon and easy access to the el'. You are more than welcome to both. Telling your roommates to take a flying leap...priceless.
[ December 05, 2005, 05:22 PM: Message edited by: kmbboots ]
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
When exactly are you leaving? cause I do want to see you before you go. For some reason I thought you were staying the entire year, though I'm glad you'll be able to get out of the unpleasant roommate situation. Is it this coming saturday the 10th? or the 17th? I could come into the city on the 11th, but I'm not sure about before then.
*hugs*
AJ
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
My older brother is flying up on the 16th, and we're going to pack up my car and drive back to Florida on the 17th. At least, I think that's the plan.
I'm still waffling on what to do this weekend. I may end up in Naperville, if I can get back into town at a reasonable hour, or I may take kmbboots up on her futon offer.
Friday night, one of them is having a bunch of people over for a party.
-pH
Posted by Will B (Member # 7931) on :
Sometimes you hear the phrase, "If we were smart, we'd do such and such."
I often struggled with this myself. What was wrong with me, that kept me alone?
Maybe it's just that making friends is tough.
Maybe it's something about you. If you're like me, your standards are high -- maybe too high -- and you dismiss people whom you could enjoy.
I tried this: I accepted every social invitation for a full month, unless I had a conflict or was dead tired. Got one real friend out of it. Maybe I'll try again sometime!
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I may actually be able to try that when I get back to New Orleans. In Chicago, I am rarely invited anywhere. Except by lovely Hatrackers, of course. And in Tampa, most of my friends are rather far away, and my parents might want me to stay home and spend time with them.
But in New Orleans, I don't have class until 3:30 Monday/Wednesday, and I only go to school Monday-Thursday...
It may be possible.
-pH
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
pH would you like to housesit for me for Friday night? Seriously. It just occured to me. We are heading down to Indiana for Friday night for a graduation party and probably not coming back until Saturday afternoon.
If you aren't allergic to dogs, and are willing to let them out a couple times on Friday night and Saturday morning, you can have 1800 square feet of space to yourself, with peace and quiet and a wireless high speed internet connection along with whatever's in our deep freezer or fridge. The neighbors would do it for me, but it might be a perfect refuge for you in the mean time.
Oh yeah, and we've got a comfy queen size bed that would be all yours while we are gone too.
AJ
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
And from where we are (where 90 and 290 intersect out by Schaumburg) it's a pretty straight shot down to Naperville if you wanted to head down there on Saturday.
AJ
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Hmmm. I will certainly consider this. Could I get there without my car? Not to Naperville, of course; I'd have to have someone pick me up.
-pH
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
If you could take the Metra line to Morton Grove, it drops off right by my work.
I could pick you up there, and take you home with me. Then we'd throw everything in overnight bags I'd give you the rundown on the dogs (just two and they are reasonably nice dogs) and head out to fight the traffic to Indiana (which won't be fun but they know we will be coming in late)
You could literally (even in the cold) walk to my work from the Metra line as it's about two blocks. The Skokie line is a bit further away but easy enough for me to get to within 5 minutes. I'm not as sure about schedules with the Skokie line though, cause it's a bit trickier to figure out the connections when the skokie line branches off.
AJ
Posted by Historian (Member # 8858) on :
pK, I know it seems like the world just isn't in sync with you and that you are somehow outside looking in. It's an odd feeling of being lost inside yourself.I went down this road too, when I was about 20.
I don't know you, nor do you know me... but I sit here trying to be someone who makes a difference in your life. Look around, take a deep breath, and see how many here have come to you for this very same reason.
You matter... in some way to everyone that has posted.
Even to me.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
bumpity
Posted by tern (Member # 7429) on :
That's really nice of you, BannaOj. Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Oooooh. It looks like either one of those lines may work. I'll definitely let you know. It would be nice to have a place to myself for a while.
-pH
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
quote:Originally posted by Historian: I sit here trying to be someone who makes a difference in your life. Look around, take a deep breath, and see how many here have come to you for this very same reason.
You matter... in some way to everyone that has posted.
Even to me.
Historian has made an important point that I think bears repeating.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Hey, if you could let me know if you want stay at my place by the end of Thursday I'd appreciate it, so that otherwise I can line things up with the neighbors for the dogs...
The actual town I live in is Rolling Meadows, if your friends need to know where to pick you up.
AJ
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Banna, I'm so sorry I didn't get in touch with you. I wasn't online much the last couple of days; I was very sickly and spent most of my time sprawled on the couch whining to anyone who would listen about how my head hurt soooo bad and why is it so hot in here, somebody open a window, and where is my blanket? I need my blanket!
-pH
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Get well. Sounds like Steve, my bf may have the same crud, and we probably aren't going to be heading to Indiana after all due to a convergence of complications including the weather, the state of my minivan (needs new tie rods) and the fact I can't drive his stickshift.
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A lot of people with OCD have trouble staying on medication because we tend to have control issues.![[Confused]](confused.gif)
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And in Tampa, most of my friends are rather far away, and my parents might want me to stay home and spend time with them.