I have posted a few rant recently, and now realize it all stems from a technology temper I have. I would like to live in a world where there are no "route branch error 11" malfunctions, I would like to live in STAR TREK.
Never does Captain Picard adress his computer with some sort of vague and ill-concieved request which the computer does not instantly and satisfactorily fulfill. Computer, play me some classical music, and the music that plays fits the scene to a tea. OR how about the holodeck? Computer, I want a chair. WAM the computer doesn't conjure up a peice of art deco lawn furniture from 1972 the color of an internal organ, no. The computer pops up a stylish elegant engraved wooden georgean desk chair.
Computer, I want some ice cream! But wait! the computer gives you a bunch of delicious options. If you had asked for a glass of water, it would have done it without delay, but ice cream comes with delicious options. The computer is SO intuitive, it knows when YOU want to sweat the details.
Picard never has to search through directories looking for a temp file and restoring the pci ram intertrode superfragamometer capacitor settings to factory standards. oh no. He doesn't even need a mouse to get what he wants.
We are talking about a future in which ZIPPERS have become obsolete! ZIPPERS PEOPLE!!! A world in which "beam me down to the planet" suffices to ALWAYS place you within walking distance of EVERY MAJOR building and person all at once, EVER TIME.
I love it. Its absolutely brilliant. Phasers on Stun! Posted by Swampjedi (Member # 7374) on :
Don't forget no toilets. Apparently, they beam it directly out of you.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
Brilliant!
Posted by Eaquae Legit (Member # 3063) on :
There was one episode when Barclay was trying to get a glass of water, and the computer made him specify what temperature he wanted it. The computer never did it to anyone else that I recall. Apparently they are smart enough to know when to kick a guy when he's down!
Posted by neo-dragon (Member # 7168) on :
I can't think of specific examples, but I know that there were times when the computer asked for further specifications, or said that a command wasn't valid, or something to that effect. It's not that intuitive.
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
Picard is always getting cups of hot tea, in these lovely little teacups. What does he do with all the dishes? Are they stacked up in Cargo Bay 2? 'Cause I have never seen him put his empty cup in the replicator and had it un-replicate.
In the original series, the computers were not as good. You could get the whole system to shut down by asking it to calculate the value of pi. And as it was struggling with that request, it's computer voice would get higher and higher and more panicky, and then smoke would start coming out of the consoles. Smoke!
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Yes, and when Captain Pike was left as a broken shell of his former self, they gave him a little red light to blink. Couldn't even do a red and green light. The poor guy had to blink once for yes and twice for no!
Sheesh! We could do better than that with spare parts from Monster Garage over a long weekend!
Posted by Vasslia Cora (Member # 7981) on :
At least it doesn't use all of its memory to make a cup of tea, resulting in nearly being hit by missles.
Posted by SteveRogers (Member # 7130) on :
What happens if you sneeze? Does the computer yell, "Contaminated Ship Deck! Self-Destruct, Self-Destruct!"
Posted by Primal Curve (Member # 3587) on :
I'm sorry, but do you really want there to be an episode where Picard spends about 5 minutes trying to get the computer to carmelize his crème brulè right?
Posted by Raventhief (Member # 9002) on :
quote:Originally posted by Vasslia Cora: At least it doesn't use all of its memory to make a cup of tea, resulting in nearly being hit by missles.
Definitely one of the top ten books ever. And besides, the missiles were turned into a potted plant and a whale.
DON'T PANIC!
Posted by Eaquae Legit (Member # 3063) on :
Primal Curve!
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
quote:There was one episode when Barclay was trying to get a glass of water, and the computer made him specify what temperature he wanted it. The computer never did it to anyone else that I recall
Actually, in the third season TNG episode "The Defector," the Romulan defector asks the replicator for a glass of water and makes him specify the temperature. Of course, he specifies in Romulan temp measure, and the computer wants Celcius. The Romulan was quite irritated.
Posted by Eaquae Legit (Member # 3063) on :
Star Trek computers are only truculent when it makes a character look funny.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
That is perfectly in keeping with Majel's personality.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
quote:Originally posted by neo-dragon: I can't think of specific examples, but I know that there were times when the computer asked for further specifications, or said that a command wasn't valid, or something to that effect. It's not that intuitive.
your not intuitive enough to know that I was being facetious. But its ok Posted by lem (Member # 6914) on :
quote: Are they stacked up in Cargo Bay 2? 'Cause I have never seen him put his empty cup in the replicator and had it un-replicate.
I always assumed they were borken up and used as grape shot against the Romulans.
Posted by Black Mage (Member # 5800) on :
I can't believe I'm saying this, and especially on Hatrack. And yet . . .
Nerds.
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
*basks in the nerdliness*
Posted by Eaquae Legit (Member # 3063) on :
Yep. Nerds. Not me, though. Oh, no. Not me.
Posted by Black Mage (Member # 5800) on :
And the fact that I have a name from a webcomic based off Final Fantasy, and yet I call y'all nerds . . .
I mean, dear lord.
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
You know how when they look out of the window in, like, the conference room or 10-Forward, there is always this gorgeous view of the stars going by? Why is that? Is the Enterprise flying around in a circle?
Posted by Friday (Member # 8998) on :
It's obviously not a real window, but rather a holographic projector imitating a window. This has many advantages, including increased hull stability and a marked decrease in the number of window washers needed to keep the ship in it's pristine shape.
This also explains why you cannot actualy see into the ship through the "windows", instead exterior lights are used to creat the illusion that the ship has windows, for obvious aesthetic reasons.
Posted by Vasslia Cora (Member # 7981) on :
And can you imagine how much training it would take to become a starship window washer. So not only does it save on training costs, the amount of space need to house all of the washers, they would have to leave alot of people behind to have room for them all.
<--Nerd
Posted by Primal Curve (Member # 3587) on :
No, no. The windows are real. You can see the windows for 10-forward on any of the ship fly-bys they use throughout the series. I mean, isn't it the window of 10-forward where Picard finally retreats from the Boron sweep?
Posted by Vasslia Cora (Member # 7981) on :
Of course but not all the windows on the ship can be real, just a few.
Posted by TrapperKeeper (Member # 7680) on :
Nerds! Posted by Primal Curve (Member # 3587) on :
I could see them putting holographic windows on the interior rooms of the ship, but why not real ones on the exterior? I mean, what if Riker needs to fly with the joystick again?
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
Gosh, though, wouldn't it just be TOO cool if Troi and Guinan were having some deep meaningful conversation, they lock eyes, hold hands, turn towards the window to contemplate the GREAT BEYOND, and see some worker on a scaffold squeegeeing the window.
Posted by Primal Curve (Member # 3587) on :
Or how about an episode where the holodeck gets invested with spyware and the crew has to deal with the characters in their program offering them sweet deals on trips to Risa?
Posted by Swampjedi (Member # 7374) on :
Redshirts = window washers. Expendible, no? They usually don't even get names.
<remembers Galaxy Quest>
Posted by Swampjedi (Member # 7374) on :
Better sweet deals on trips to Risa than sweet deals on "sevices" on Risa...
Well, unless you're Kirk.
Posted by Jacare Sorridente (Member # 1906) on :
How exactly would the windows get dirty? There isn't all that much dust in interstellar space, and with the ramscoop ionizing and then collecting everything worth grabbing, the window washing interval would probably be something like a billion years between services.
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
quote:Originally posted by Jacare Sorridente: How exactly would the windows get dirty?
Remember when they were in orbit around that really polluted planet? I bet there was a lot of shmutz kicked up around there. Also, sometimes they get hit with plasma torpedos. That's got to leave a mark.
Posted by Primal Curve (Member # 3587) on :
Transparent Aluminum?
Posted by Jacare Sorridente (Member # 1906) on :
quote: Remember when they were in orbit around that really polluted planet? I bet there was a lot of shmutz kicked up around there. Also, sometimes they get hit with plasma torpedos. That's got to leave a mark.
Pshaw. All they have to do is reverse the field of the deflector dish to clean the windows if they ever do get dirty. Plus, getting hit by torpedoes likely calls for window replacement rather than cleaning. The real question is: why don't their uniforms have any pockets?
Posted by Primal Curve (Member # 3587) on :
quote:Originally posted by Jacare Sorridente:
quote: Remember when they were in orbit around that really polluted planet? I bet there was a lot of shmutz kicked up around there. Also, sometimes they get hit with plasma torpedos. That's got to leave a mark.
Pshaw. All they have to do is reverse the field of the deflector dish to clean the windows if they ever do get dirty. Plus, getting hit by torpedoes likely calls for window replacement rather than cleaning. The real question is: why don't their uniforms have any pockets?
How do you know they don't? I mean, they can travel at FTL speeds and convert matter into energy. With all of this technology at their fingertips, I think they'd be able to sew some pockets into trousers without breaking the line of the fit.
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
If I were writing an episode, I'd have Picard say "FIRE AT WILL!" and then Warf would stun-phaser Riker.
Posted by Eaquae Legit (Member # 3063) on :
I would SO watch that episode, Tante.
Edit: Hopefully it would be followed by Worf shooting Wesley as well.
[ January 06, 2006, 03:30 PM: Message edited by: Eaquae Legit ]
Posted by Vasslia Cora (Member # 7981) on :
Me too Posted by neo-dragon (Member # 7168) on :
quote:Originally posted by Orincoro:
quote:Originally posted by neo-dragon: I can't think of specific examples, but I know that there were times when the computer asked for further specifications, or said that a command wasn't valid, or something to that effect. It's not that intuitive.
your not intuitive enough to know that I was being facetious. But its ok
I caught on, thanks, but I just felt like being snarky. Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
Dear god what have I created...
I am become geek. The explainer of worlds.
Posted by TheTick (Member # 2883) on :
quote:Are they stacked up in Cargo Bay 2? 'Cause I have never seen him put his empty cup in the replicator and had it un-replicate.
You never SEE Picard to it, but dishes do dematerialize in the replicators all the time, especially on DS9. Since it's a tea cup, it's not like he gulps it down and puts it right back in. *adjusts geeky hat and goes to watch BSG*
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
In Voyager, when Tom Paris first came on board he got shirty with the replicator over the never-ending options for tomato soup.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
another example of the convienently annoying technology, only causing trouble when its funny
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Primal Curve!
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