Valentine's Day. A name that evokes images of love, romance, moonlight, unrealistic financial burdens, emotional blackmail, and horrific gangland massacres. Ah, love!
This pink and fluffy holiday began as the ancient pagan festival of Lupercalia where Roman priests would sacrifice a goat (for fertility) and a dog (because it wouldn't stop barking). The boys of the village would then slice up the goat's hide and run through the streets, gently slapping women and crops with the bloody strips to improve the fertility of both or because by that point in the festival they really couldn't tell the difference.
But even then, the anguish inherent in Valentine's Day was exposed. The women of the village complained that the boys didn't hit them with the right bloody goat strips, or that they hit that witch Lucia Bustinia way harder than they hit her and why did they like Lucia better, was she prettier? The boys were too exhausted to answer, having been up all night frantically searching the marketplace for the last few goat strips left because they waited until the last minute.
Posted by cheiros do ender (Member # 8849) on :
I read that in the other Valentine's Day thread. I was just about to roffle my mayo at it in there, but I guess I should do it in here instead now, huh? ...... ..... .... ... .. .
quote:Take the day off from work, put on a disguise, and stalk her.
Oh my mayo, I did that! Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
quote:Hire an investigator to get the names of all of her previous boyfriends and invite them over so she can see how much better off she is with you. Won't she be surprised to see the guy whose abusive behavior in junior high caused her to start cutting herself, or the drunken one-night hookup from Fresno she thought no one knew about?
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
One of the funniest things I've read in a long time.
Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :
Deleted lines:
Do something thoughtful and surprising for her, like having her car secretly tuned up or even detailed. Be sure to grab it late at night while she's asleep so she won't guess where it is.
Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
Chris, you're a genius.
Posted by Father Time (Member # 7985) on :
Anyone know where I can get some fresh goat strips? Not that I want to enhance her fertility!!!
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
I laughed at the first half a lot. The second half got a little scary (and I still laughed, of course). I predict that you'll get disgruntled mail with this one though, they might think you're a little too good at thinking up sick ways of showing your love.
quote:Take the day off from work, put on a disguise, and stalk her.
That was my favorite one too. Posted by BaoQingTian (Member # 8775) on :
Chris, man, you are one funny guy.
Posted by cheiros do ender (Member # 8849) on :
quote:Anyone know where I can get some fresh goat strips?
You can make it! I won't gross you out with the details (unless you ask ), but yeah, it's delicious!
Posted by cheiros do ender (Member # 8849) on :
Actually, yes I will. Here's the goat, and here's how you make it (with beef as an example).
Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :
But does it increase fertility?
And if so, why?
Posted by cheiros do ender (Member # 8849) on :
I'm not sure, but with Biltong you get your red meat (I'm a vegan now, but oh well), but without the saturated fat, or need of salt (not the case with US Beef Jerkey from what I've heard), or general badness. And you get a really tough piece of raw meat to strengthen ur teeth with. Very manly indeed.
Does it seem strange that a vegan is trying to encourage you to eat meat?
Posted by Jenny Gardener (Member # 903) on :
Being slapped with bloody goat strips is really kinky. Why does it sound like fun to me?
![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Laugh]](graemlins/laugh.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
), but yeah, it's delicious!