And geuss by whom.
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
Was it me?
Posted by Corwin (Member # 5705) on :
Spelling Nazis?
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
The Yakuza?
Posted by Jeesh (Member # 9163) on :
Yourself?
Posted by MrSquicky (Member # 1802) on :
A 12 year old girl?
Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
I didn't do it!
Posted by MrSquicky (Member # 1802) on :
Ooh, a bigger communist? You could be like Trotsky.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
no my dad. I asked him why he was being an a hole towards me all the time and he punch me in the stomach saying I called him an a hole.
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
Dano, who is pissed at you for trying to break his WoW habit in favour of a Vicky habit.
Or your father.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
ding ding ding.
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
I want it on record that I posted the foregoing before reading Blayne's previous post. Crossposting. That said, I trust you knocked his head off?
Posted by Hank (Member # 8916) on :
Punching is an important part of parenting. Just ask MY dad.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
not when im 19 years old and a good deal heavier, and no I didnt punch him back I was too surprised to do so and the rest of the family jumped in to prevent me form going for anything sharp or charging at him. I am veyr pissed off right now.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
and yes KoM did post first.
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
Sounds like a bad situation all around. Your dad definitely shouldn't have punched you. You probably shouldn't have used profanity towards him either. Naturally though, the violent response is way out of line, even if you cursed at him.
Sometimes we don't have the relationships with our parents we wished we did. I still think fondly back to the time my stepfather threw me against a wall and held me there with his hands around my throat, squeezing until I couldn't breathe. Or the time he broke my brother's nose.
Not to belittle your Dad punching you, Blayne. Just wanted you to know that sadly, you aren't alone. (((Blayne)))
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Can you find someplace else to be for awhile?
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
returns hugz.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
I'm sorry about that, Blayne. Things will improve once you're out of the house, I'm sure.
Posted by airmanfour (Member # 6111) on :
If I lived with my dad when I was 19 one of us would have been killed. We're hard-core like that. Grow up and leave. That's the natural order of things.
If that's the first time, cool, you're physical equals and he can't do anything to you that you don't allow anyway. If it's not....if I were you he'd be in a world o pain.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
its the latest in a long list of disputes. Lately aggravated by his insistence on em having a blurry camera follwoing me around everwhere he wants a paper saying what I did hour by hour every day to "improve things" and edit parts of my life. I am being as evasive as possible in regards to it.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
If you're getting on each other's nerves that much, do you have a friend you can go stay with for a while?
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
Sorry that happened. I think that sort of thing is much more common than it should be, especially between fathers and their fullgrown sons. Even moreso when the sons still live at home.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
I still don't understand why your dad doesn't just stop paying for Internet access.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
my mom pays and she pays 600$ in advance.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
Sorry about that man, last time I got punched in the stomach was 6th grade, but it was school bully that I wasnt accepting tributary status for.
All I can suggest is polite silence to your father. If he asks you something be polite in your response. If he says something that hurts simply say nothing. He will get the message after awhile.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
*blink* You pay $600 a year for the Internet? Egad. I foolishly assumed that Canada, being a socialist country, actually made Internet access cheaper for its citizens.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
I think its around 50$ a month or so for high speed internet and cable TV.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
That makes more sense. *nod* Suggest to your dad that he just disconnect your router or install passworded time-limiters on your user account. That seems like a good way to short-circuit any impulses you have towards duplicity without requiring a full audit of your activities.
Posted by Dr Strangelove (Member # 8331) on :
Dude, Blayne, if you need a place to crash, come try out Florida! I've got a couch thats yours for the taking. We even have a decent internet connection. And there are clubs and stuff too!
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Don't you live in Tally? Tally doesn't have clubs. It has cows.
New Orleans, however, has clubs.
-pH
Posted by Dr Strangelove (Member # 8331) on :
There are 2 clubs, thank you very much. Maybe 3.
Posted by Libbie (Member # 9529) on :
Sorry, Blayne. That's really too bad. I hope you're doing okay right now. I'll be hoping for a definite improvement for you, but maybe you can find a way to get out on your own?
How old are you?
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
In this thread he said he's 19.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
he wants to know what I do on an hourly basis what I do when I leave the house as well as when I am in the house.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Moving out = your best option. Barring that, you can try to meet him halfway. I think limiting your Internet usage through some mechanism would be the most popular approach.
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
You really have two acceptable choices -- live in his house according to his rules, or don't live in his house.
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
Get a job, move out. Go, go, go.
Posted by Ben (Member # 6117) on :
Don't you work in a Deli? Are you putting money aside for rent for an apartment? what about posts at your college for students looking for a roommate?
Posted by DaisyMae (Member # 9722) on :
I agree, get out on your own if you can.
But maybe don't live with Dr. SL - He's got that psycho roommate who thinks it's cool when little Amish girls get killed. Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
I'm sorry to hear about this, Blayne. Good luck.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Blayne,
I want to revise my prior post. I encouraged you, in my question, to find another place to be for awhile. That was under the assumption that you really are 19 years old. Frankly, I'm beginning to doubt that, and I don't want to be seen as encouraging a minor to (essentially) run away from home.
So, if you are under-age, I have a different question:
Is this a one-time occurrence or has your father reacted with physical violence toward you (or any other member of your family) in the past? While I would never condone ANY such violence, I at least think it's possible that your provoked a regrettable reaction in your father just this once and he may be very unlikely to repeat the behavior.
On the other hand, if this isn't the first time, or if he's violent toward the other members of the household, I suggest that you contact the authorities.
Now...having said all that...
if you really are 19, get the hell out of there, or do whatever they tell you to in exchange for whatever it is you're getting from them (room, board, etc.). If you are an adult, it's entirely your call.
He had no call to hit you. But I'm just sitting here completely baffled as to why you have yet to respond to ANYONE who has suggested that you leave.
What's the deal?
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
He can't leave; it would take him more than a week to get Internet access in his new apartment, and that would spoil our Vicky game. And our CK game. And whatever other Internet shenanigans he's up to.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
points to KoM *nods*
I got "laid off" nicely form the Deli, I geuss they got tired of my clumsyness, I'm trying all my options now, reserves Ild love to join but Im still not in physical shape yet I think I need to redouble my efforts.
I would LOVE to move out, if I had the money =(
And yes I am 19 and yes I am trying my best to move out but its not practical, I'm stuck here unless I have money and I not matter how much I want to I can't force it into a situation where I'm forced to leave on my own because with no money and no internet ill fail quite frankly at life, my education would be over and Ild lose all proespts of a decent living.
And my mom is quite the coward god bless her heart for working so hard but its gotten to the point where shes burnt out and cant intevrene, let me rephrase myself she doesnt want to intervene and always takes the easy side out and in this case she has already warned me in no so many words try to knuckle under or find some other place to live.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
Also I'ld love to go to florida but I dont think I could afford a plane ticket =( Maybe as a last resort I'll figure out a way to bum rides in trains to get there if need be.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
quote:And my mom is quite the coward...
Blayne, you're not allowed to call your mother a coward again until you've found the guts to move out, with or without a decent job. Learn to be gracious and grateful for the consideration they're showing you.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
sorry. Itld be stupid of my to move out without A) knowing where to move out to and havbing the money to mov eout with but yes I obviously have no right to call her that I was feeling annoyed and wasnt thinking.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
So think, man. I don't know your personal situation, but I've seen that here on the forum you have a tendency to speak without thinking -- especially as regards your family situation. If you do the same thing in real life, I can't help but believe that it'd get you in constant trouble.
BTW, you've previously described your situation as being fairly hopeless; there aren't a lot of job opportunities out there in the French-speaking wilderness, and you're lacking in marketable skills. If that's the case, why NOT just move out to somewhere, even if you have to sleep in your car for a while? There are lots of places in Canada where English-speaking natives can get jobs, and not all of them are unpleasant. If you've got any friends from high school who've left town, why not ask them about roommate possibilities?
Posted by Rappin' Ronnie Reagan (Member # 5626) on :
quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: Learn to be gracious and grateful for the consideration they're showing you.
What? You call punching him in the stomach and making him account for all the hours in his day consideration?
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
I call it desperation. They've spoiled him and don't know how to undo it.
The fact remains that he's a grown adult who's living with them for free despite not contribuing much besides insults.
In a similar situation, my father charged me $300/month rent.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
I help them all the time with chores, renovations, unpacking/repacking ceramic stock at flea markets, help with pouring ceramics urn molds and demolding those same urbns theres alot fo stuff me and my younger brother do around the house.
EDIT: Fixed typos
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Blayne, did you finish high school, and did you at any time have an IEP?
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
Im in my third year of college in computer science useless until i actually complete it.
Posted by fugu13 (Member # 2859) on :
Are you in for computer science or programming?
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
computer science.
Posted by Nighthawk (Member # 4176) on :
If you know how to program, do contract work. You might not be able to get paid much in order to remain competitive, but it can probably get you out of your current situation. Even if you have to do one and two day jobs that might pay $20, those add up.
I don't know your background: where are you geographically?
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
Canada, Quebec.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
quote:Originally posted by Blayne Bradley: Im in my third year of college in computer science useless until i actually complete it.
Great!
And did you ever have an IEP? (Or just tell me if that is too personal a question.)
----
Edited to add: [moved below]
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
Is that like a GED? Aka "Good Enough Diploma"? I dont know what an IEP is.
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
quote:Originally posted by Blayne Bradley: Im in my third year of college in computer science useless until i actually complete it.
Nonsense. If you got 2 year of college level computer science behind you, you have lots of options. There are many many places, probably even some on your University campus, which are seeking to hire part time computer people to do web design, small programming projects, man help desks, provide computer support or even be part time sys administrators. People with BS degrees command such high salaries that many places are willing to hire people who are working on degrees for part time positions. My department has hired several such people over the past few years. I know an awful lot of people working in IT jobs who have only a two year associates degree. Certainly if you are in the 3rd year of BS Computer Science degree, you have skills you can market. I'm surprised your department doesn't have some sort of intern program in place but even if it doesn't there should be plenty of opportunities.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
They do yes called Stage buuuut Im only technically saitll doing second year course cuz the policies here are stupid, I failed a single class and it was a prerequisit so I had to wait until the course was offered again a year later before pasisng it and moving on.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
[moved from above]
Blayne, an IEP is an individualized educational plan. See next post for an explanation. And BTW, if you did have one, it would not mean you were stupid -- just that you had a different learning process that hindered (or might have hindered) your progress in the traditional system.
I wanted to know because if you have a non-typical learning style, this would have likely been identified in school. And if so, this could be preventing you from doing traditional work open [to] young people, as well as being a source of some conflict in living with / getting along with others, including your family. Were this the case (especially if you already had a documented difference in this area), then there probably are governmental resources open to you for assistance in developing an independent living situation.
Actually, come to think of it, you did say you were in college, but you didn't say specifically that you had finished high school, and that is indeed a different matter. (E.g., I didn't finish high school, and I went through to an advanced degree nonetheless.)
Did you actually finish high school, or did you get a GED, or did you (like me) just start attending university?
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Blayne, I dropped out of college after two years spent working towards an English major. And I'm working in IT right now. It's doable, but you have to try.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
quote:WHAT IS A LEARNING DISABILITY? ... Basically, a learning disability is a dysfunction of the central nervous system in an individual of potentially average to above average intelligence. This disability is not related to intelligence but rather to a problem in processing information. Learning disabilities may be manifested by delays in early development and/or difficulty in attention, memory, reasoning, coordination, communication, reading, writing, spelling, calculation, social competence and emotional maturation. ... The Education Act and Educational Services
The new Education Act was enacted on July 1st 1998. It stipulates the legal obligations that schools and school boards must meet: educational services, the assessment of the student as well as establish an individualized education plan (IEP) adapted to the needs of the student. Tha law also gives schools certain functions and powers relating to educational services, material resources, financial resources, community services as well as human resources. ... Establishment of an education plan, section 96.14 In the case of a handicapped student or a student with a social maladjustment or a learning disability, the principal, with the assistance of the student's parents, of the staff providing services to the student, and of the student himself, unless the student is unable to do so, shall establish an individualized education plan adapted to the needs of the student.
The plan must be consistent with the school board's policy concerning the organization of services for handicapped students and students with social maladjustments or learning disabilities and in keeping with the ability and needs of the student as evaluated by the school board before the student's placement and enrollment at the school. The principal shall see to the implementation and periodical evaluation of the education plan and inform the student's parents on a regular basis.
So, in basic terms, to question could be rephrased as such:
Did you and/or your parents ever meet with your school's principal and/or your teachers more frequently or on a more regular basis than would an average student and his parents at your school? Or were you and your parents never invited to attend meetings like this for you?
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote:Originally posted by ClaudiaTherese: Blayne, an IEP is an individualized educational plan. And BTW, if you did have one, it would not mean you were stupid
Absolutely. My son has an IEP, and testing shows him to be far above average intelligence.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
quote:Originally posted by rivka:
quote:Originally posted by ClaudiaTherese: Blayne, an IEP is an individualized educational plan. And BTW, if you did have one, it would not mean you were stupid
Absolutely. My son has an IEP, and testing shows him to be far above average intelligence.
*nods
There is a weird stigma to processing information in an unusual way, although actually I think it's pretty cool. And so many very bright and smart kids with IT-related talents just don't fit the mold, you know?
What makes it a "disability" is that the rest of the world isn't structured to fit you, unlike most other people. Sort of like you have a left-handed brain but are trying to use right-handed handles on the world. Just different, not bad or worse.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
Waaait a second memories are coming back now I remmber in highschool or elementary school having a "resource" period where teachers helpoed me on ceertain assingments and I went there ot read and relax but my memories are too foggy to remeber.... okay it was highschool.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Blayne, did you graduate from high school?
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Blayne, I don't know about your college, but mine offers jobs to undergraduates that actually pay pretty well. I think the undergrads in my office just got a raise and are making around $9 an hour. You don't need a degree, and it doesn't necessarily need to be computer science related. A lot of ours do clerical work. And the hours are usually flexible.
-pH
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
quote:Originally posted by Blayne Bradley: Waaait a second memories are coming back now I remmber in highschool or elementary school having a "resource" period where teachers helpoed me on ceertain assingments and I went there ot read and relax but my memories are too foggy to remeber.... okay it was highschool.
That might make sense of a lot of your difficulties with work and home life, actually. Have you thought about checking into whether there are specific resources geared towards facillitating your work life and independence from your family?
And this would not be a hand-out, by the way. This would be an investment of your community into your productivity as a member of that community. Hooking yourself up with such resources (if appropriate) is a very mature and laudable way of making the most out of yourself and the situation you were born in.
---
Edited to add: We are all born into a certain unique situation. Mine includes a broken heart (*smile), which is why I took advantage of my communities' resources to fix that broken valve. Twice now, actually. And if I had a "left-handed brain" in this right-handed world, I'd also take advantages of the resources set aside to ameliorate that situation, too.
[Especially since I can now be independent and offer some useful skills and talents back to the world.]
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
Yes I did graduate the only thing that was hindering my ability to do so form an academic standpoint is my french marks I just barely past french, you need to pass french to graduate form highschool isnt that retarded or what.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
quote:Originally posted by Blayne Bradley: form an academic standpoint is my french marks I just barely past french, you need to pass french to graduate form highschool isnt that retarded or what.
Did you past English?
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
And Davidson's Law strikes again. Posted by MightyCow (Member # 9253) on :
I think it's pretty obvious that the correct answer is to wait until your dad is sleeping and shave off one of his eyebrows.
Posted by fugu13 (Member # 2859) on :
rivka: I think that was intentional Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
quote:Blayne, I dropped out of college after two years spent working towards an English major. And I'm working in IT right now. It's doable, but you have to try.
That's kind of eerie - I did almost the exact same thing.
...
Blayne, seriously, that sucks, and I'm sorry.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
Nah Im pretty sure any special attention I got was because for years my hearing was bad I had soem ind of ear infection where they put these little green tubes in them to drain fluid. They fell out in about 2nd-3rd grade. Since then I had to take a class to work on my pronounciation, I speak like a Korean alot of the times.
So I dont think I have any real disability currently affecting me just the side effects of somthing that happened a while back.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
Ahhhh crap. =(
quote:
Perceiving Thinking Remembering Learning Language Processing Difficulties in processing sarcasm or understanding when someone is joking Difficulty taking another’s perspective Difficulties in understanding: long or complex sentence structure; and with figures of speech Difficulties with: retrieving vocabulary words; orally presented task demands Difficulties with new vocabulary and responses to teacher-directed questions
=(
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Blayne,
Clearly your father is frustrated. His reactions are not good (he shouldn't have hit you). Most of the concerns being expressed here are not about that incident, however, but have more to do with the future.
There are some things I would like to ask you, or rather, I'd like to have you ask them of yourself:
1) Is there anything you can do to de-escalate the situation with your father? Clearly avoiding being a smart-mouth would help, but would that be enough? Perhaps he has some pent-up antipathy toward you that you could alleviate in some way? I suspect that your obtaining and holding a job might be a priority for him, for example. I don't know that, but I figure it's probably a fairly understandable thought on his part. Perhaps if you did that, and started paying some rent or contributed toward the household expenses in other ways, it'd help to address whatever his problems are with you right now.
2) Does your father physically abuse your mother or your younger siblings? Is this a situation requiring intervention? I mean, really, if he's going to go punching you in frustration, what does he do to your mother and any younger kids that are in the house?
3) What are you doing right now to prepare a way for you to leave? If the answer is "just going to school," then I think you need to do more. I like the idea of getting some evaluation and help from whatever resources are available to you (a la CT's posts), but there should also be things like career counseling from within your department, job fairs coming up in the next semester, paid internships, work study, etc., etc. Ways for you to gain paid experience in your field that will help you become employed (and employable) when the time does come.
4) How much time do you waste? Until you are established along a path that gets you where you want to be, I humbly suggest that you need to evaluate this question periodically. It's not like I would ever advocate having to be laser-focused on career goals to the exclusion of all else that you enjoy in life, but I get the sense that you escape into a world of gaming and don't spend ANY time focusing on your future. If your future was assured, hey, no big deal. But you have clearly outlined a living situation which is untenable for the long term and so you should be working to remedy that situation...long term.
5) How much money do you really need to move out now? In particular, do you have ANYONE you could go live with (a relative or friend) with whom you could share expenses. Can you find a job that nets you a few hundred dollars a month and then get into a share situation? Or, have your parents basically said that they will cut off all support (even for education costs) if you move out?
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
and the most damning of all.
quote:
Difficulty writing since spelling may not be automatic
Grrhm.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
1) The main problem here that all the problems will start the MOMENT I do something wrong it could be as inconsequencial as triping going up the stair and then he'll go on "you always trip going up the stairs your overweight, where are you "logsheets" why why why why why!!! Do this do that do this even if its not your day to do it" and then hell go on implying how stupid I am. For example if I miss even one little spot clenaing a pot hell redo it foricng me to watch as he "teaches me" how to do it right. And if I walk away as he wastes my time I get yelled at.
2) any fighting between my parents may have or may not have happened when I was alot younger but I have no clear memory of it happening in recent history AFAIK. And no I do not believe my brother has been hit recently either I seem to be taking all of he unwanted attention nowadays.
3) I'm trying everyway I can to get a job that hopefully isnt me working as a dishwasher (3 lkewise underthe table jobs is enough thank you veyr much) I went to the college people and im tyring to apply for loans/bursuries and trying to find a job as well via the school.
4) More then I'll even admit to myself. Failing a class has woken me up a little but getting any sort of job never occured to me until I was 18 when my allowance for doing chores stopped and I realized "hey if I work I cna buy stuff". But yes I have wasted alot of time I know that I should be working harder to get a career going.
5) Somewhat to that effect yes, I suspect if I mvoe out ill be on my own completely. The cost of school is around 1600 a year ~200 for books. And I suspect barebones rent is 3000-4000 a year Net' amd utilities are probly naother 1000.
If I could save up 6000 dollars I suspect I could move to the town where my college is located.
Posted by Ben (Member # 6117) on :
I cannot speak for Bob, but when I read the "wasting time" question I felt that he may have been referring to your time spent online. Every other thread you start here is about a game you are playing, or an imaginary/alternate reality game. I get that you enjoy these games and you feel that the hours and hours you spend playing these games helps you forget about your unhappy situation and are a nice escape, they shouldn't be a priority. Not right now. I don't know, but I think it may be a good idea for you to setup a reward program for yourself. For every 2 hours you spend looking for work, you give yourself 1 hour of playing time. If you spend 5 hours in the evening scouring ads, going to places and applying, then you can play online later that evening for 2.5 hours. (At this point in your life by the way, NO job is beneath you. You need the money, you are getting an education, if the job is legal than it IS NOT beneath you. You could be a dishwasher, fry cook. Nobody will define you by where you work right now, you are a student.) Do not let a gaming schedule dictate your life. It will lead to missed opportunity. I am sure the people you play with will understand you need a job to move out, be happy, and be a better companion in these games. I don't know how your games work but you talk about needing to be online at a certain time and the world relies on it. this is unhealthy.
The Money thing:
You don't need an entire years worth of living expenses before moving out. Just a couple of months. Continue working for the rest. You also don't NEED internet at home, regardless of what you think. Use the school computer lab if you have to. You may think it sucks but it will do.
/rant
Get off my lawn!
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
If you have enough money for the necessary deposits (and necessary, in this case, are just apt, electricity, and water) and a job, then you have everything you need to move out.
In fact, if you got a job (and Ben is right, any job is better than no job) I bet your parents would be willing to help you out with the deposits. It'd be a good investment on their part to help you get set up on your own.
As for school, I know in the US there are very generous and accessible programs for student loans. They are just what the name implies, though: loans. In other words, you'll have to pay them back at some point. But that's not a cause for concern in most cases, because once you get a degree you'll get a good job and the repayment schedules are very easy to meet.
As for your dad, what seem like little things to you could very well be the last straw things for him. In other words, as Bob touched on, he might be frustrated with your life track in general and the next 'little' thing you do will set him off. My parents were like that when I was in high school -- yelling at me for little things. But when I got older I realized the little things were symptomatic of larger attitude problems on my part.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
But you lawn is so green and fresh
Student loans sound like a good idea, I think theres no interest on them for as long as I am a student.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
I don't know how it works in Quebec, but in Ontario, interest doesn't kick in until six months after graduation. That isn't really enough time to pay them back interest-free if they're even moderate in size, but it's better than normal loans.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
I was about to post something but then I realized it was pointless. Much like this post to my own amazement.
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
Even though student loans aren't interest-free, the interest is extremely low. It's often lower than inflation, which makes it virtually interest-free.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Blayne, I don't lie and I don't sugarcoat things for the sake of political correctness. When I say "different, not worse or bad but different," that's exactly what I mean. It is not code for "you're broken" or "you are defective."
If this sort of difference really is a part of how you are in the world, then your parents may not have the tools and knowledge to make this transition feasible for you. That doesn't excuse punching you in the stomach -- ever! -- but it does definitely mean that trying to make it work with only them may be beating your head against a brick wall.
You are an adult now, mostly, and you are in charge of your own life. Whatever anyone may have told you, this is your life, nobody else's. And it is perfectly appropriate and okay for you to start making some safe and sensible decisions about how to proceed next. The decisions should be ones that keep you safe, but they are yours to make.
Why not just send an email to Desirée Chaker from "Destination Employment" ( desireechaker@hotmail.com )? Quebec may pay for the formal assessment of where you are in relation to how the world is set up, if I am reading that website correctly. And then you'd start to get hooked in to a system that is already set up to make the world work better for all the extremely intelligent, sharp, outside-the-boring-box people like you -- employers who have agreed to sign on with someone with different talents and who expect some of the things that may have surprised your former employers, etc.
I bet you could write her an email (and be sure to mention that you did have special assistance in high school), figure out what to do next, and then decide whether or not to start involving your folks. They may be delighted at you taking the initiative, but it could be threatening to them, too, so be careful. My advice would be to get the process started (it's your life, remember -- really, it is) and then go from there.
Good luck. Email me at sara dot sasse at gmail dot com if I can be of any help.
I'm looking forward to seeing you work things out. That would be awful cool, and it could make you a great role model for some other kids here or in Hatrackers' families. How awesome.
Posted by Libbie (Member # 9529) on :
quote:Originally posted by mr_porteiro_head: In this thread he said he's 19.
Ah, thanks - I missed that part.
Posted by Libbie (Member # 9529) on :
quote:Originally posted by Blayne Bradley: and the most damning of all.
quote:
Difficulty writing since spelling may not be automatic
Grrhm.
"Damning?" Why is this a BAD thing? As ClaudiaTherese pointed out, you probably just learn differently. It's not "bad" or "good," just "different" - but because the world is ordered so that it's easier on how the majority learns, it's more difficult for you.
You're really lucky that Canada has resources for people in your situation (apparently)! I'm not aware of any community resources for folks like you in my state. I say you should learn more about this resource, apply, and see if they can't help you get into a situation where you feel better about yourself!
Posted by Libbie (Member # 9529) on :
quote:Originally posted by mr_porteiro_head: Even though student loans aren't interest-free, the interest is extremely low. It's often lower than inflation, which makes it virtually interest-free.
Yes! My payments on my $7,000 remaining loans are about $72 per month. Pretty do-able, all in all! This might be a good thing to look into, Blayne.
Posted by solo (Member # 3148) on :
quote:Originally posted by mr_porteiro_head: Even though student loans aren't interest-free, the interest is extremely low. It's often lower than inflation, which makes it virtually interest-free.
Not in Canada. My student loans have a higher interest rate than my mortgage, my car loan, and my line of credit.
The payments are usually spread over a longer period than a car loan though. My loan had a 10 year term and my payments are pretty low.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
quote:Originally posted by rivka: And Davidson's Law strikes again.
What is this law you speak of?
Posted by SoaPiNuReYe (Member # 9144) on :
I haven't gotten punched in the stomach since boxing(ouch). Bad situation to be in, I feel for you man. Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
I think it's basically "Mockers of other's spelling or grammar errors invariably make an error in said mocking post."
But I was quoting "past" instead of "passed" intentionally. I'm the exceptional mocker that proves the Law.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
*pat pat* Sure ya are.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Blayne,
How's it going?
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
*fingers crossed for you
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
Well thursday morning (I have been at a friends house from thursday afternoon to just now and thus away from a computer) I was negotiating about me going to "The Vault" (some christian recreational place been there to play Smash Brothers Melee) and my dad is like well of course you cant go you had a bad altitubde with terms like asshole f you, etc. my mom and my brother immediately say this is ridiculas considering how after he pounched me he called me an asshole several times and my saying f you several times was as aresult of my writhing on the floor crying.
Next me and my brother are waiting in the car about to drive to our college when my dad come and tells my brother to hold onto my moms purse.
My brother says no there's no room to put it so my dadroghlky opens the door and shoves him the purse and slams the door so my brother says ef off. My dad proceeds to come bak open the door and proceeds to punch and kick him several times and ends up pulling on my brothers hair telling my brothe to "calm down".
MY brother is in his seast with his seatbelt on this entire time btw so cant fight back.
I'm just about to get out of my seat at this point when my brother says "hell calm down" but as soon as my dad walks away he jumps out of the ccar and proceeds to punch him in the back as my dad was walking away.
It is finally at this point my mom walks out of the barn and yells at my dd to stop and angrily tells him to get a job, that she cant handle this anymore, she will not work harder if this kind of stuff continues.
And as we're about to drive off my dad in his stupididly tells my brother that hitting people in the back is a low thing to do.
Can anyone find the logical flaw in the above statement.
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
Oh dear, that's rather dysfunctional. It seems to me that the obvious solution is to be prepared for a situation to get physical, and make sure to win the next one. Do not permit your father to think that he can get anywhere by hitting you.
That said, it does seem to me that he had a point. Holding your mother's purse is a perfectly reasonable request, and unless it's the size of a suitcase there was certainly room. Your brother, frankly, was being a bit of an asshole. Which does not excuse your father's reaction, but it seems to me there might be problems on both sides.
Let's try to get in a good number of years this weekend; you can move out when the Great Game is ended.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Blayne, I'm so sorry. I think this situation needs to change for you and your brother.
Three things:
1) Had you considered contacting the woman I mentioned above? (If you don't want to, that's your call, but I think making specific steps towards getting out of there in a safe way is a Very Good Thing.)
2) How old is your brother?
3) I always worry about blows to the back or chest, because this does deliver an electrical charge. CPR used to be jump-started sometimes with a solid blow to the sternum, which usually releases about 90 volts (if I recall correctly) through the heart. Your father really, really should not be hitting you guys this hard anyway, but this is extra dangerous. And I don't think your confronting him about it right now would be safe for you, in my opinion.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Listen to what CT says.
*hang in there man*
AJ
Posted by cmc (Member # 9549) on :
Definitely hang in there...
Sounds like a lot to be handling all at once.
I have no wonderful advice to offer - I can only say I don't know you from a leaf that blows on my porch but I'm really hoping that things work out well for you. Moving out of my parents house (when I had no saving, no great job, no fall back plan) was a really good thing for me. We'd gotten along for the most part but as I was 20 things were getting sort of strained - I saw myself as an adult (i'd moved out for much of college then moved back) but I was still living in their home and they still saw me as their child. Money was tight for a while but it's worked out very well in 'the end'. Plus - added benefit - the distance made us more able to speak about what went on there at the end and also about what we feel about our relationship with each other.
I'm hoping your situation yeilds a positive ending as well - for you AND your brother.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
KoM...
My opinion of you has dropped off the chart. Seriously, you are perhaps the most callous and thoughtless person I've ever encountered. Advocating escalation of the violence in this family situation is just plain dangerous.
Blayne,
I wasn't actually able to follow all of what you said (I didn't know who dd is who your mom is telling to get a job in the middle of this melee). Allow me, if I may, to make a few observations:
1) Judging from your mom's reaction, the violence is a recurring event.
2) This scene appears to have played itself out in public view. Think about this a bit...If true, it means that normal social restraints have been been breached a long time ago and your family is basically more than just "dysfunctional" with respect to interpersonal interaction.
3) Your father has something seriously wrong with impulse control. Even provoked by smart-@ss comments his reactions are way over the top and he needs to be separated from the family.
4) In most communities, a domestic violence call to police results in at least one person spending the night in jail. I suggest that person should be your father, and I suggest it should be soon. And, if your mother is being hit, and/or if your brother is under the age of 18, I suggest that there should also be a visit from child protective services or some other type of counseling/evaluation official with the power to resolve the situation in the interest of the safety of any minor children.
I don't really know how Canada resolves these issues, especially in rural areas, but most of the law enforcement agencies I know will automatically impose an overnight buffer for everyone...I suspect that must be true in Canada too.
There is no stretch by which this is normal or acceptable.
Is there alcohol or drugs involved?
Is dad having problems?
My advice, if your mom will not call the police, you should.
This seems to be escalating if, as you said earlier, his hitting you was the first time ever... What the heck is going on?
Posted by aragorn64 (Member # 4204) on :
Thanks Bob -- you said what I believe needs to be said, and what a lot of people here seem to be too afraid to.
I don't know a lot about you, or your family situation Blayne. But it's obvious that there are some serious problems, ones that aren't going to be resolved by simply getting a job and moving out (despite what a lot of people here think...)
Even if that was just your father's second violent act in his life (which I'm beginning to doubt) it's most definitely not going to stop by itself at this point. At this point the police need to be involved.
Many people think that family issues (even violence) should be settled domestically, but I disagree. With something as serious as this (and a thing that could potentially get much worse) both the police and some sort of counseling service needs to be informed.
I'm not the smartest guy around, and I don't know a lot about this kind of stuff -- but I am worried for you and your family. I strongly feel that something more needs to be done, Blayne.
Maybe calling the police is the wrong decision here (and I don't think it is) and I'm hoping some people here with more experience than me will be able to give you better advice. But...you need to act or I really think something far worse could happen.
And KoM: that is absolutely horrible. I...cannot...believe that you said that.
Posted by airmanfour (Member # 6111) on :
KoM's probably the closest friend Blayne has on Hatrack, and I'm sure is being half-sarcastic. The rest of you are poking around in a kid's life that you have almost zero familiarity with.
I don't think Blayne has even asked for advice. I read the initial post as venting. He is old enough to make his own decisions and will. Geez.
Posted by SoaPiNuReYe (Member # 9144) on :
airman 666th post
Idk wut u should do Blayne but if I was you I woulda alrdy smacked the crap outta the dude so good for you so far Posted by aragorn64 (Member # 4204) on :
airmanfour: when physical danger becomes apparent I could care less if I'm "poking around" in somebody's life.
I'm sorry, but I can't let apathy keep me from trying to help him out.
And seriously man: of course he can (and will) make his own decisions. That doesn't keep me from giving advice to somebody I'm worried about.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
airmanfour,
I have deliberately stayed away from offering advice until I had clear evidence that this is not just an isolated event. At that point, this is no longer conjecture, but an obvious domestic violence situation.
To claim otherwise would be to call Blayne a liar.
Also, I know that KoM and Blayne have a relationship through gaming. I also can detect the sarcasm in his tone. What I can't fathom is, in the midst of wanting to support a friend, advocating a line of attack that could well get someone seriously hurt or killed.
This is not playtime. This isn't a supposition. It's playing it safe given what Blayne has told us and what the sad, sad statistics on this sort of thing tell us.
A person who has, in the space of a couple of days, so violently attacked his children as to punch one and floor him and pummel the other while he is strapped down...well, let's just say it crossed a line beyond which most law enforcement agencies would be making arrests, from what I know of such things.
So...while I agree that it's totally presumptuous on my part to offer any advice, I'm "comfortable" offering advice that errs on the side of the safety of people in the situation.
I hear what you're saying, and I considered it before posting.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
KoM's advice is certaintly sound from a "national" perspective.
example: nation A carpet bombs a town in Country B
Country B should consider it a Casus Beli an declare war if all attempts at compensation fail or else be in the pocket of nation A forever.
I fo sure have not felt that his advice was being sarcastic or sounded callous in anyway way.
My mom was suggesting that my father gets a job, and his is partly a problem why we have hesitated to calling the police, we operate a home buisness that makes and sells ceramics it is the source of 95% of the income 5% being from my fathers cremation buisness on the side.
Money is also a bit tight and I see our standard of living plunging by quite a bit and frankly my own addiction to computer games is also hindering my aility to do anyhting that ould upset the status quo and I have no wish to drop out of school to replace my dads position in th buisness.
As for getting a new job in regards to myself I at an impulse got a job application form to work at Little Caesars Pizzaria and im contacting my college to see if they can get me work anywhere.
As for the woman yould suggested I talk to I just had a test in Database I had to study for (which i think Ill get 90something%) but I bookmarked the page and once school quits down a bit ill try contacting her.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Blayne,
Please do not follow KoM's advice. If the situation is escalating in the way you seemed to indicate in your description, someone can (and probably will) be seriously hurt.
As it is, a domestic violence "rap" is something that is easily recoverable from if the family (and the violent person) can work things out with the help of some counseling and whatever additional programs are required. It's not a sure thing, by any stretch, but it's better than the alternatives.
You, for example, are an adult and would be tried as an adult if you succeeded in beating your father to the point where he could no longer retaliate (i.e., beat him senseless). Depending on how far you go with that, you could be facing manslaughter or attempted manslaughter charges.
Of course, if the prosecutor gets ahold of this thread and decides your actions were premeditated, and you manage to do even more harm...well, let's not think about the charges in that case. Right?
Okay, now let's look at what happens if you fail to beat your father into submission. Rather, he gets the upper hand on you. You are going to miss a lot more than a semester or two of school, no?
And he'll be in jail, not you. Facing much more serious charges, right? So his contribution to the family income is gone anyway.
I'm not trying to be a Polly-Anna here. There are lots of ways this could de-escalate on its own. I don't really know you or your family. But if you think about it for even just one calm moment you will see that nothing good will come from escalating the violence or retaliating against your father physically.
Some unpleasantness will follow the call on domestic violence. But compared to the worst-case scenarios, it's pretty much nothing. And if he has not actually struck a minor child, he would not have a really serious problem with the law assuming he and your mother can come to some sort of agreement on how things will work in the house.
Granted, if he has pummeled a minor, there may be some involvement of the law that can't be undone through verbal agreements among your mom and dad. It might mean having social services involved with your family for awhile. It could even lead to removal of minors from the household if the social worker isn't convinced that your father can be trusted or will definitely be out of the picture.
Again, it's a real judgement call, but to err on the side of safety is better than the worst-case scenario.
And, my big fear is that the worst-case scenario is where you are headed if you decide to take KoM's advice. This isn't some stupid RPG, Blayne. This is real life and someone could lose theirs.
PS: glad to hear you are thinking about some positive steps on the earning front.
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
I start writing posts and I erase them because I just feel like I'm pissing up a rope and that any advice I give is just going to make things worse.
If there's any way you can get your family into therapy, please do it. Please. You all need it.
Also, don't drink or do drugs. You just cannot do that. Ever.
Get help, Blayne. Good luck.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
was using the escaulation arguement as an example why I didnt think KoMs advice was meant in a bad way.
do not drink or do drugs, never have never will. I have never drunk anything more then wine coolers in my entire life and I refuse to do so.
And my younger broher is 17...
*edit stupid numlock*
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
Did you say that you were involved in a church, Blayne? I can't remember.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Is 17 still a minor in Canada?
Look, I don't know Canadian law, but here in the states (at least most states), a domestic violence charge could well include child endangerment (or similar). Your mother, by not reporting it, could also be in for some tough questioning. It could result in the minor being removed.
You, as an adult living in the household, might have some questions to answer as well about why you didn't report it.
But the real issue is, again, safety for the minor.
Again...I know nothing of Canadian law in these matters. I imagine it's similar to US and UK laws. I know that in England itself, they take this stuff VERY seriously. If the Canadian system is similar, there will be intervention.
Honestly, Blayne, I can't make that call for you, and you are the only one who can decide what you are going to do. But here in the States it's pretty clear that this would result in dad having a night (at least) away from home and possibly your brother going to a shelter or foster care unless the social worker is satisfied that things are safe at home.
That's a HUGE step to take. If you call the police, it'll set wheels in motion that, because of the presence of a minor, you may not be able to stop -- nor could your mom or dad just by talking.
I can understand hesitating under those circumstances.
But... Where is this heading?
Does your family have the interpersonal skills to make this situation better? Is the next event going to be avoidable or is dad just a time-bomb that you can't predict when he'll go off?
If it's the latter, then my advice is still to take the safe route.
I'm sorry if I misunderstood your reaction to KoM's advice. I took it to mean that you were comparing your situation to a gaming one and viewing the strategy as a sound one. Again, I apologize for mistaking your intent there..
Be safe.
Make sure your brother and mom are safe.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Is anyone else getting the Dad is Great! banner add at the bottom of the page?
How surreal.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Blayne, also in the states and I don't know Canadian law, but some prosecutors will try to charge 17 year olds as adults in cases involving particular types of crimes. If your brother is apt to go after your dad, the consequences to him could also be severe...
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
Also, have you ever had a heart to heart with your mom and told her how you really feel about your dad hitting you? Perhaps if you haven't, you might consider it and maybe bring your brother along to voice how he feels. You guys can tell her how you feel, not to punish her or to make her feel bad, but as a preface to saying,"This family needs help, mom. Please help us get it." I also think it might be good to tell her that if your father ever hits either of you again, you're calling the police, and that you don't want to do that. You want to be in a good family, and the best way to achieve that is through family therapy.
I know this advice may not be safe for you in your house, Blayne, but if you feel that it's not, then maybe it's time to bring in the police right now, no questions asked. Perhaps a little taste of jail will give your father perspective on what happens to people who can't control their emotions.
And on that note, please do your level best to not provoke your father. Just as your father has a responsibility to not hit you, you have a responsibility to consider his feelings and not goad him on.
Again, your family needs therapy. You need to work on building yourself up so you can move out and support yourself. CT's advice to talk to that person before you do so is excellent. Don't move out if you aren't ready to do so yet.
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
I basically agree with Bob, except that it's not clear to me that the police are an absolute necessity right now. My outlook is really what's best for the family, and therapy is what's going to be needed whatever happens, police or not. It's just better if the police don't have to get involved. But if they do, then they do.
Anyways, I'm not trying to short-circuit what Bob's saying, Blayne, we're just kind of cross-posting over each other and both basically saying that something needs to be done because you are in a very dangerous situation.
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
I'm getting 'Gulf Hurricane Relief'. *scratches head*
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Blayne,
I agree with Storm Saxon on the family therapy idea.
I do hope that that's a possibility for you all and that it can happen soon (tomorrow morning is not too early).
I may be worrying more than the situation really warrants. Only you can really judge that.
And, yes, getting the authorities involved is not the preferred option if the family members will go through therapy.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Blayne, I am a mandatory reporter of child abuse, even if I just suspect it may be going on. This means that I am required by law to report any suspicions to the proper authorities.
At 19, you are at the cusp of adult, and with just one physical event, I think the call can be made reasonably not to involve outside assistance. Now that it is multiple events, things are different. And especially now that your brother at 17 [a minor, and clearly as such within my obligation to report] is involved and things are escalating, it is much different.
I know that this is not something you want to deal with directly, but you have to and I have to. Please email me at sara dot sasse at gmail dot com, or we can continue the conversation here in public if you prefer. However, I am very good at respecting your confidentiality and privacy, and you might want to do this offline.
Regardless of whether I hear from you by then, I will be contacting the people I must contact this morning. I wish you the very best, sweetheart. I know this absolutely, totally sucks, both the getting it and the having to deal with it part. I wish you had never been put in this situation.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
I think the police are an absolute necessity at the next incident of violence.
In Virginia, the only state I have experience with, any admission of violence by the perpetrator or physical evidence results in a must-arrest situation. It also results in a temporary order of protection that keeps the offender away.
Beyond the physical danger - which is very real - there are serious consequences to domestic abuse. Real damage is done every time you witness this, let alone actually experience it.
Others have given great advice about things you can do, and I won't comment on it directly. But please, no matter what promises are made, involve the police the next time there is any violence - if that seems to severe for you, then next time there is anything beyond a single slap.
These thinks can improve. I've seen it. But they can also get worse very quickly. It is possible in Virginia to get through one "conviction" of domestic assault and battery without a permanent record. I have no idea if such programs exist in Canada.
But your family has endured this long enough, regardless.
Posted by Papa Janitor (Member # 7795) on :
I need to lock this thread for the time being. There hasn't been a problem with the conversation, and it may continue in another thread. Thanks for understanding.
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Just wanted you to know that sadly, you aren't alone. (((Blayne)))
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