Some of you may already know this, but sometimes we all need to be reminded of things we already know.
If you have read some of my earlier threads, it won't be news to you that I do not think very highly of myself. Most people I meet, online or in real life, have told me that they do not understand why I would think such a thing. And very slowly I am becoming aware of the irrationality of this point of view.
So... I need to change. Or perhaps it is more accurate to say that I need to change back. Back into the person I was before.
Before... what? you may be thinking.
Well, to explain this I'm going to give you a very short rendition of my life so far.
MY LIFE SO FAR Once upon a time there was a little boy. He was happy most of the time, life was an incredible and beautiful adventure to him. He liked most of the people around him, and found that in most cases this feeling was reciprocated. He was curious, but at the same time unwilling to pry to deeply into others' affairs. He was willing to learn; in fact learning was one of the things he liked to do the most. He was just a normal little boy. One of his deepest wishes was not to have any enemies. Besides that his wishes were simple and straighforward; he only wanted a good job, some friends and a girl to love.
Then one day the boy made a mistake. It was a big mistake, even though at the time he didn't make too much of it. But deep inside he knew all along that one day he would have to pay for his mistake.
From then on the boy was extremely judgemental towards every little thing he did. He considered himself to be a villain, even though there was hardly any evidence for such a conviction to be found in his actions. Basically he was punishing himself for making that one mistake.
As time passed by, life became increasingly strenuous for the boy. Which isn't hard to imagine, since he was battling himself most of the time. He hadn't totally abandoned his boyhood wishes, but they were buried deep within him, underneath an unidentified tangle of emotions. His dreams seemed to be out of reach and perhaps even overly idealistic whenever he looked at the world around him. So he kept them hid.
But over time the stress that was inherent to this way of life made him weary to the bone. He knew he would have to own up to the mistake he'd made and, since it couldn't be undone, make up for it somehow...
So how big was this mistake I made? HUGE! It wasn't like I just forgot to turn off the gas before I left the house...
I forgot to turn off the gas, which built up inside the house and was set of by a tiny spark, causing the entire house to erupt into flames, and due to an ill-favoured wind the fire spread to the neighbouring houses, in the end destroying the entire neighbourhood.
So now I'm faced with the prospect of rebuilding an entire city block...
The above description of my mistake is a metaphor to show how a tiny act can lead to disastrous results and to give you an idea of the magnitude of my error. I did not really blow up a city block.
One of the main results of this negative self-image I developed is the fact that I have a very hard time relating to other people. Don't get me wrong, I like to talk. It's just that until recently I've found it nearly impossible to talk about myself. Why? Because I didn't want to confront people with the freak that I think/thought I am/was. Because I didn't want to burden anyone with my problems.
I have been a virtual recluse for all these years, and I'm looking forward to change that (to a degree), so that I'll have a better chance of fulfilling my boyhood dreams. At least some of them...
So here's where you all come in. When I stumbled into Hatrack River, I found a host of people who weren't unlike me. I share a lot of the interests that continuously fill this site (in varying degrees of course) and as I believe I've mentioned before, I feel at home here more than anywhere else.
To paraphrase one of you: I will be using Hatrack River to escape from my sheltered and cosy, yet stagnant, pond into the ocean that is humanity.
A heartfelt thanks goes out to all members of the Hatrack community, especially those who have given me their advice. I will continue to try and improve myself, and also work on the task that lays before me (which will remain unspecified for the time being), knowing that my life will eventually become somewhat easier to manage if I just show some perseverance.
Let me end this long-winded post with a short and simple message: To all of you, best wishes for the oncoming year and keep up the good work.
"I'll be back." K.
Posted by Euripides (Member # 9315) on :
My sympathies, Eduardo. Wishing you luck on your journey.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
I think much of your post, or at least various aspects of it, could have been written by any number of people here.
Sometimes, I think that my journey is about discovering the real me that's been hidden away for so long.
At any rate, I wish you luck and good fortune. May you find peace, happiness, and balance. Posted by fiddle_stix (Member # 9941) on :
"Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still."
-chinese proverb
i wish you the best.
Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on :
Hey man... good to hear from you.
Glad to see what you had to say, too. Hope you have an excellent year.
Posted by Will B (Member # 7931) on :
Got any place in meatspace where you can speak authentically? If not I could recommend a few.
Good fortune to you.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
quote:Originally posted by Eduardo St. Elmo: From then on the boy was extremely judgemental towards every little thing he did. He considered himself to be a villain, even though there was hardly any evidence for such a conviction to be found in his actions. Basically he was punishing himself for making that one mistake.
Of note, this sort of self-loathing can be an extremely effective way of not having to come to terms with a more appropriate level of shame, guilt, and need for restitution.
Nicely written post, and quite hopeful. I'm glad you are here. Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
Honey, you're a champion.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
Good for you, if you are doing that, you are on the right path!
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Ed--Great post. When we find ourselves in a hole we have a choice to get out. We can either use a shovel or a ladder. I'm glad Hatrack can be the ladder and that you put away the shovel.
Posted by stihl1 (Member # 1562) on :
WOW! You blew up a whole city block? THAT is cool. Neato.
Good luck.
Posted by Earendil18 (Member # 3180) on :
Eduardo, while I have never met you personally, I see a part of me in you. And for that, I say:
You are not alone.
Posted by ricree101 (Member # 7749) on :
quote:Originally posted by Eduardo St. Elmo: I did not really blow up a city block.
It's never too late to try. Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
Well, as I've said before--"You go, Eduardo!"
OK, so maybe I didn't say exactly that. But I look forward to hearing more about your journey.
Posted by Eduardo St. Elmo (Member # 9566) on :
--Bump--
So, when I said change, what kind of changes was I talking about? Essentially it will have to be a change within the core of my person, that will then hopefully sort effects in many different ways.
One of the main things that I'd like to be different is my inability to talk about myself. It's not that I want to be braggin' about my accomplishments all the time, since they have been small in number and rather mundane. It's just that I have a real hard time answering questions along the lines of: "How are you feeling?", "How have you been?" and such...
So in the months ahead I will be startin' several threads to share something of what makes me tick with those who are interested.
I'm gonna get the ball rolling with one of the unfulfilled wishes that I mentioned in my opening thread.
See you on the flipside...
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 9253) on :
Forgive yourself. I don't know what you did, but you said it was a mistake. Everyone makes them. You've got to give yourself credit for all the good things you've done.
It's obvious that you've learned from your mistake. You seem to have decided to use the wisdom and experience to make yourself a better person. You've made a commitment to make positive changes in an effort to pay for your mistake. That's as much as anyone can do.
I wish you the best. Keep on livin' Posted by Eduardo St. Elmo (Member # 9566) on :
quote:Originally posted by MightyCow: Forgive yourself.
I wish it was that easy. But thanks for the positive feedback.
Posted by Will B (Member # 7931) on :
Eduardo, I haven't had much to say, but I read your posts with interest, and with admiration for your authenticity.
Posted by aragorn64 (Member # 4204) on :
Wow...that post could have been written by me, considering the similarities to my own situation.
Thank you, and good luck.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
I agree with the forgiveness bit. It's hard, probably especially more so for some people, but it's also necessary.
If you (the generic, all-encompassing you) can learn to let go of the shame associated with your mistakes and instead learn from them and move on, you'd be much healthier emotionally and much happier, too. You wouldn't be dragging around the baggage from the past to the same degree.
Of course, I speak to myself when I say that.
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 9253) on :
Look at forgiving yourself as part of the process necessary to grow and learn from your mistake. True, it isn't easy, but neither is any major change in your life. That doesn't mean that it can't be done, or that it isn't worth doing.
If you don't forgive yourself, you'll never really move on. You won't be able to fully make amends for the mistake. It is really worth your time and effort to learn to forgive yourself, even if the process takes time.
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May you find peace, happiness, and balance.