I remember meeting you 23 years ago. I remember my brother saying he was sure you were the one and I laughed because he was only 18 and you were only 17. But he was right, though it took 8 years for him to truly realize it, through the breakups and the dating of others - but when he married you 15 years ago we knew it was right, and he knew that you were and would always be his beloved bride. When you brought those two beautiful children into the world, we could see how much love there was in your family.
I loved you my darling sister. I loved you, I loved you. I don't know what happened, or when, and I don't know why and I will always wish I did know. I will always feel I should have told you I loved you more. I could have called you on your birthday instead of just leaving you a message. I could have picked up the phone "just because" and chatted more often. I know that you made your decision independent of my lack of phone calls or visits. I know that shouldering blame that is not my own is pointless, but I just wanted you to know that I wish I had called so I could have talked to you one more time. So I could have told you that I loved you one more time.
Your husband has been so strong, he has shown such strength for your babies. I was there when he told them you were not coming home. He told them that you loved them - he said "Your mother loved you very much." He held them and he cried with them, and he has been so unbelievably strong for them since. I'm proud of him. You would be proud.
I will be there for them too. I cannot be their mother, and I would never try, but I promise to give them the support and love and nurturing that I can, and that I know you would want. I wish I didn't have to. I wish they had you instead, you would do a much better job than I.
I think that's why it hurts so badly. I know they need you, and I wish you were going to be there. They've asked me "Why?" and I cannot answer, because I don't know myself.
I knew you for 23 years. You were the maid of honor in my wedding. The day you left was my anniversary. I know you didn't know. I saw your calendar, you didn't have it written down. You would not have chosen that day if you'd known, I know that. But it makes me sad, to remember your smile that day in that bridesmaid's dress, to remember you hugging me before we walked down the aisle, you squeezing my hand to support me because I was so nervous that I would drop the ring.
My sister, I loved you. I wish you had not decided to do this. I wish you had not left us. Your life was so precious to us, we cannot believe you made the choice to take it away from yourself and from us. We wanted your light, your laughter, your love for years to come. We feel cheated, we feel lost, we feel anguish for your husband, your children, and ourselves.
I loved you. I miss you. Forgive me. I loved you. I will always love you.
Rest in peace and love.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
(((Belle)))
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
I'm so sorry, Belle.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
(((Belle)))
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Oh, no!
(((((Belle & family)))))
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
(((hugs)))
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
God, Belle. I am so sorry for your loss. I know that words can't stop the pain, but bless you for writing them, and for sharing them with us.
My heart goes out to you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by CT (Member # 8342) on :
Belle, I'm so sorry for you and your family's loss.
Posted by Mucus (Member # 9735) on :
*bows head*
Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
brought a tear to my eye
so sorry for you and your family's loss
Posted by Bella Bee (Member # 7027) on :
All my thoughts and wishes are with you and yours.
You loved her. That is everything.
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
Those poor babies.
((((Belle and family))))
Posted by Destineer (Member # 821) on :
Posted by scifibum (Member # 7625) on :
I'm so sorry.
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
There is nowhere else I could have written this. I thank you being the type of community where I could say this. I needed to say it, but no one in my family needed to read it because it would have just caused unecessary pain.
Once again, I thank you for reading it, and for caring. You are an amazing group of people.
Posted by Sean Monahan (Member # 9334) on :
Hello Belle,
I don't know you, but this post touched me deeply. I myself have suffered a loss this year, and I was not prepared for what I read when I opened this thread. I understand the regret that you feel. I'm sorry for your loss.
To anyone else who reads this thread: This is nothing profound, but… If you have any unresolved issues with anyone in your life – ANYONE – or even someone who’s not in your life anymore, but was once - I implore you to resolve them. Now. A day *will* come when it is too late. Do not allow this to happen to you. PLEASE do not allow yourself to get to a point where it is too late. Regret, and guilt, weigh tons.
Posted by Miro (Member # 1178) on :
I'm sorry, Belle. I'd hug you if I could.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Oh, Belle, I'm so sorry.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
No words for that.
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
(((Oh, Belle.)))
I've no words for such an occasion, I'm glad you found some.
[ December 07, 2010, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: The Rabbit ]
Posted by AvidReader (Member # 6007) on :
I'm so sorry, Belle.
Posted by Rawrain (Member # 12414) on :
(Post Removed by Janitor Blade, so as to demonstrate another way one might withhold their sympathy, and any other feeling for that matter.)
[ December 07, 2010, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: JanitorBlade ]
Posted by TheHumanTarget (Member # 7129) on :
Rawrain,
Expressing sympathy doesn't require full understanding of a 'story", merely an acknowledgement on your part that someone else is in pain.
Belle, for what it's worth, I'm sorry.
Posted by Samprimary (Member # 8561) on :
oh god, rawrain. shut up!
Posted by Amanecer (Member # 4068) on :
Belle, I'm so sorry.
Posted by Rawrain (Member # 12414) on :
(Post Edited by Janitor Blade)
quote:To express sympathy I need the whole story.
Then kindly withhold your lack of sympathy until such a time comes. You are not being compelled to express your lack of concern of Belle's feelings, in fact, I'm sure everybody would appreciate it if you would stop doing so.
[ December 07, 2010, 10:04 AM: Message edited by: JanitorBlade ]
Posted by ambyr (Member # 7616) on :
You know, it is in fact possible to feel sympathy for multiple people in a situation. It's not a zero-sum resource.
Posted by Mr. Y (Member # 11590) on :
((Belle))
I wish you and your family strength in dealing with this.
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
((Belle))
Posted by Juxtapose (Member # 8837) on :
Oh, wow. I'm so sorry.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
I'm sorry for your loss Belle.
What you wrote is moving and beautiful, and I'm sure anyone reading it can tell that your family is full of love, and that'll get you through this. Stay strong.
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Posted by Sala (Member # 8980) on :
Belle, I'm so sorry for you. I'm going to go call my sister right now. I need to tell her I love her. Thanks for reminding me in your time of grief.
Posted by RivalOfTheRose (Member # 11535) on :
my thoughts
Posted by Tatiana (Member # 6776) on :
![[Frown]](frown.gif)