posted
Not really a dobie: I was going to post this in the other thread, and then I realized it really had no place there, so I decided an anti-thread was in order.
My best friend since seventh grade, the best man at my wedding, has gone unresponsive. On the few occasions when I managed to coax a response to him, he told me he was not angry at me or anything like that, but that his life was in the toilet and he did not want to "bring loved ones down with him." I tried and tried to tell him that being there for support during difficult times is what friends are for, but he went back underground.
He did manage to pop back up a little over a year and a half ago to ask to borrow money. I'm sure he thinks we're rich, and I'm sure he doesn't know how much of a sacrifice it was for us to pull together the $500 that we lent him. He professed his gratitude and how he was guaranteeing us that he would pay us back soon, and blah blah blah blah.
Several months later I found I had miscalculated my balance and had substantially less money in the bank than I thought--unfortunately, I discovered this in the middle of a family vacation, and we literally did not have enough money to get home. O_O I called my friend. No answer, no replies to messages. Not even a Sorry, I'm still broke.
Last fall, I nearly lost my house. I didn't bother trying to call my friend. I knew he would just ignore me.
A couple of months ago, I traveled to Miami. Despite his ignoring us, I thought it might be nice to get back together. He ignored our calls and didn't return our messages.
I did some searching around online, and discovered his blog. I've been lurking there on and off. Is that pathetic, or what? Anyway, I discovered that, among other things, he was married now. He was the best man at my wedding! He got married, and never bothered to let me know. I wonder if my $500 helped pay for his wedding.
His wife is (apparently) a girl he was datiing before we moved away. He never introduced us to her. When I started dating Cor, I made sure not to shut him out of my life--which I know is easy to do when you start dating someone. I also made sure he got to meet her many times, so that a friendship would develop there. We went out with him many times. Once, in better times, we paid for him to take a cruise with us. But he was sp ashamed of his girlfriend that he could not introduce her to us, or let us know when he was getting married--let alone invite us or put us in the wedding party!
He sounds close to suicidal on his blog. Apparently, his financial straits are even worse than mine were. He posts about running out of gas and not being able to buy more, and walking eight miles to work. (Personally, I would have switched to riding the bus when my funds started to get that low. There is an in-between there!) It does not sound like his home life is enjoyable. He posts a lot about being away from home at internet cafés and stuff like that. Apparently a few weeks ago he had soome mysterious benefactor that bailed him out of a jam--sounds suspicious, doesn't it?
Today, he posts this:
quote: This is yet another shout out to people out there that may be able to assist me.
We've had a bit of financial trouble here for any number of reasons, and now I'm on the brink of desperation and need lots of money quick.
Apparently, there is a God up there that has provided me a solution: I won a major Rent-a-Coder bid!
(details deleted by me)
...which will net me circa $5,500 after I'm done.
So now I have two weeks or so to finish this project.
...BUT...
I need the money now, yesterday actually. The above is guaranteed, and will be available in about 3 weeks, but I need the funds now.
This is not a "lend me money and I *might* pay you back soon" deal. This is "give me a loan and I guarantee you I'll pay you back."
I've asked for help here in the past, and there has been a lot of people struggling to find a way, and one person out there went above and beyond the call of duty to help us - to him, we will be eternally grateful.
But, for now, I need to get through this.
The third paragraph from the bottom sounds awfully familiar.
I'm glad to hear he will be eternally grateful to the one person who went above and beyond the call of duty to help him a few weeks ago. He mentioned a few weeks ago how that was like the only person who had ever helped him.
Anyway, this began life as a mildly snarky post to the other thread, but I quickly realized that I had a lot of serious stuff I needed to get off of my chest, so, sorry for ranting/venting here.
posted
Wow. That happened to us, except we found out the guy was in jail for non-payment of speeding tickets... He's out now, but still no word from him.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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I've lost a best fried twice - once my best friend of six years in the seventh grade, and once when I was 21, right around the time my mother died, I lost my friend that I'd had since I was 5. I have to say that I cried over losing them as much as any guy, and only less than losing my mom. It totally sucks. I'm sorry.
It does sound like he has major, major issues right now. If he doesn't want your help, I don't think there's anything you can do. You've been a good friend.
Posts: 1163 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
That stinks dude. I know how close friends can be and mean more to you then most family. That really is really horrible when you’re so betrayed. I’ve had a few strange encounters with friends. Once I had a good friend who lied all the time. About anything it seemed like. Once he even lied to me and another friend about having cancer. Talk about attention starved. I stay away from him now. Try not to hear much about him either. Might be best for you in your situation too. That way you don’t stir up old hard feelings. Remember the good, forgive the bad, and learn life lessons. Something like that right?
Posts: 2845 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
What a jerk. That must really hurt to be close with someone, and even help them out financially, and them have them ignore you. I'm sorry, Icky.
He does sound like he has some major issues. I went through a period of about 4 years where I didn't keep in touch with any of my close friends. At the time I was in a miserable marriage, dirt poor, and very depressed. The thought of my friends knowing what was going on in my life was too embarassing. I felt that as miserable as I was, I'd be even more miserable knowing that my friends knew the details of my pathetic life. I literally didn't contact any of them again until I'd changed my living sitatuation, and explaining my absence my saying that I'd had personal problems that I needed to take care of. Luckily, those girls let me back into the fold with nary an odd look - but I'm sure that I hurt them. Anyway, I shared this so that you could see that it's possible that your friend feels the same way.
However, in light of the fact that he used you and your wife financially, and is attempting to use others, I don't know if it would be healthy to let him back into your life even if he were reaching out. Take time to mourn the loss of a friendship, and the man you knew, and try not to let this get you down.
quote: Once he even lied to me and another friend about having cancer.
That really sucks!
-o-
Space--may I call you Space? --I agree with you. I believe that's exactly what's going on. From my standpoint, he would be better off letting his friends support him, spiritually if not materially, and we would be better off still having this friend in our lives.
When I was depressed and suicidal in high school, his friendship is one of the things that helped me hold on. I don't seem to be able to return the favor.
I guess I can understand what you describe intellectually, but not in my gut.
Posts: 13680 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
I don't think he believes he is using anybody, though the point is certainly debatable. I think he just sees it as doing what he needs to to survive. And I'm sure he plans to pay it back Someday--the thirty-third of Octember, maybe.
Posts: 13680 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
No. The timing's not right. He had been posting about how he couldn't buy food or Christmas presents or anything, and then somebody bailed him out. I gave him $500 back in 2003 or so.
The whole thing sounded pretty suspicious, actually. It came off like some sort of weird anonymous donation. >_>
Posts: 13680 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
Not to justify the financial stuff, but people can have complicated reasons for keeping their wedding secret. I know a couple where the groom didn't want his family to know, and reciprocally the bride had to keep a lid on it. As it inevitably leaked out, relatives of the bride's mother assumed it had to do with racial prejudice. Anyway, I'm not saying it's a good idea, just that otherwise reasonable people can have these problems.
And I assume you aren't thinking of lending him money. Financial chaos can be almost like an addiction. Everyone thinks of it as merely symbolic. But I think it has a psychological reality, as spending sprees can be a symptom of bi-polar illness. I'm not saying he's bipolar, just that there is probably more there than most people recognize. They think if you can't keep your act together financially, you just have a moral failing.
But then a lot of people don't see the difference between an addiction and a moral failing, so... whatever.
Posts: 2010 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
So, what you're saying is that if I had $5,500 to throw away, I could buy your best friend out from under you! (In a manner of speaking, of course).
Seriously, I'm sorry you're going through this. I had a simliar situation. My friend recovered and all is well. But going through it was not pleasant.
I hope your friend gets his act straightened out.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
That's interesting, about debt as an addiction. Whenever I do something particularly boneheaded, I wonder if I am just self-destructive; this sounds like a similar will to self-destruct.
As far as the wedding . . . in this case, at least . . . I dunno.
Posts: 13680 | Registered: Mar 2002
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quote:Financial chaos can be almost like an addiction.
Not just almost. Spenders can have the same brain chemistry changes as gamblers. I read a summary of a study once, although I didn't understand how they could actually conduct it.
posted
I'll throw in anecdotal evidence - this is what happened to my stepfather. He spent so much and so often, it ran my parents into the ground financially. He actually would do a lot of it as gifts - once he took out a credit card in my mother's name, without her knowledge, forged her signature, and used it to buy her a $4000 diamond necklace.
Then he never paid the bill.
They are divorcing now, and one of the reasons is the uncontrollable spending and his refusal to seek help for it.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
My best friend spit Dr. Pepper all over my keyboard, computer, and chair today. Granted, the night before I had put out a cigarette in the can, and it was really, really gross by this afternoon, so I forgive him for spewing it everywhere, but it still smells terrible. Ok, this was an unnecessary post, but I needed to vent.
Posts: 1225 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
Just gotta say that a few times now I've come really close to posting a '"Your best friend on the rag" thread' Dobie, but I've had the good sense/taste (so far) to refrain. Now that I've gotten it off my chest, I think I can refrain indefinitely. Thanks.
Posts: 6213 | Registered: May 2001
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I hate it when people give you reasons to stop trusting people. Maybe the Brobdignagians(from Gulliver's travels) had it right. Cheating someone was a worse crime then stealing from them. If some one breaks into your house and takes something, you know to lock your doors. If someone cheats you, you just learn not to trust.
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2004
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He probably doesn't want to talk to you because he can't pay you back. Every event in his life, wedding or whatever, that he might tell you about, he would imaginw you thinking, "Well, instead of doing ( ), he could have paid me back.
I read a beautiful thing somewhere about the purpose of friends, how there are friends who are there for a particular purpose, friends who are there for life, etc. I wish I could find it.
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Bob I suspect it, but I'm not qualified to make such a dx. Mom hung in there for years, desperately trying to get him to seek help. He had nothing but excuses why he wouldn't see a doctor. Most of it revolved around money. Wes and I offered to pay the costs that insurance wouldn't cover. No deal.
We're talking decades of sick behavior - he had a track record of taking jobs, then stealing from his employers and getting fired. Then sitting around for years at a time, not working at all. Telling everyone what a victim he was, how the last employer just treated him unfairly.
Mom took out a home equity loan to control their credit card debt, cut up every card, and within six months he had taken out several new cards and racked up over $10,000 in new debts.
She is still struggling to pay these debts, and he's been calling saying he's refusing to sign the divorce papers unless she gives him a lot of money - when she says she (honestly) doesn't have it he's accused her of hiding money away from him. Then he'll call the next day telling her how sorry he is, and how much he misses her, and he'll sign the papers if that's what she really wants.
It's just so sad, and tragic, and scary. It almost killed my mom to leave him, but she'd already stayed for so many years trying to get him help she finally had to accept that you can't force someone to seek help.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. Sorry for your mom too.
There are just so many ways people can screw up their lives. It's really very sad. I mean, in this thread we have someone who has a terrific friend (in Icarus) and he blows it. I know Icarus is a great friend to him because of the way he's talked about him in the past. None of this stuff -- all about what a cool guy he is, etc., etc.
Your step dad had the love of a very patient woman and managed to push her past her breaking point. And couldn't stop even when she cut up all the credit cards.
It's a pity she didn't put a block on the credit reporting agencies so that she had to be called if her name or hubby's name came up on a new credit app. I know that's possible to do. He clearly shouldn't be allowed to make those decisions for himself.
posted
Hope this guy comes to his senses, gets his life together, and realizes what a good friend he has in you, Mr. Icarus.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
Uhleeuh, That was it! Thanks. Sometimes, the greatest thing about friends is that they are not family. They can come in and out of your life, and you are not stuck being with them just because they are tied to you by blood. I do not mean this in a cold way. I have been able to let friends go more easily now that I am older. I used to hold on to them like they were tied to me by blood. I realize this is not coming out the way I mean it. I can't quite say what I mean without it sounding cold.
[ January 21, 2005, 08:14 PM: Message edited by: Elizabeth ]
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Icky, I agree with what I'm reading. Time to write off the $500 you loaned him back in '03 and write him off as a friend.
I might in a moment of spite post a comment to his blog and reference the old unpaid debt as a potential heads-up to other people that may be reading, but I don't know that it would do any good to protect anyone else and I'm sure it wouldn't help get you your money back.
I'm sorry you've had to go through this.
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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That reminds me of my mother's spending habits. As with your mother and stepfather, my parents ended up divorcing and my father ended up saddled with debt. (If I stop and think about how he lives paycheck to paycheck in a ±300 square foot apartment, while she blew more than $60,000--in equity and retirement cash-out settlements--just in the last six months of her marriage and the first six months after her divorce, well, it just makes me sick.)
Posts: 13680 | Registered: Mar 2002
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![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
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Icky, I'm sorry. ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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--I agree with you. I believe that's exactly what's going on. From my standpoint, he would be better off letting his friends support him, spiritually if not materially, and we would be better off still having this friend in our lives.![[Smile]](smile.gif)
