posted
"this old scarlet letter won't keep me from holding you. No, there is nothing you can do..." -Jars of Clay, Scarlet
There's been some troubling stuff on the news lately. Congressional scandals, schoolgirls executed... closer to my home, earlier this year, a man drove through town, found a young co-ed, and raped and murdered her. A common, dark thread runs through these.
Not only are they all sexual in nature, but they all show a similar pattern in creation: Shame, secrecy, hiding, and, ultimately, self-loathing.
Foley claims he was molested as a child, creating an unfortunately too-believable scenario of causality (more on this later). The man, name of Roberts, who tried to kill 10 Amish schoolgirls appears to have been driven mad over his guilt in molestations that occurred 20 years ago. The man who, just out of prison for a sexual assault committed when he was 17, drove through several *states* till he found the one woman who he kidnapped, raped, and eventually strangled to death stated afterwards, "I am a monster and I don't deserve to live." I'm sure most of us agree with that assessment of him.
But that is precisely the problem. No, I don't mean that we are to blame for hating evil when we see it... that's the farthest from my intent. What I do mean is that these acts invariably seem to be perpetrated by horrifically broken people. The deeper the self-hatred the worse extremes people seem to be driven to in hiding from it.
I understand that pain. I understand what it's like to look in to your heart and see nothing worth saving. I understand what it means to constantly feel "if they knew the real me, they wouldn't say (insert nice thing here)..." I understand what it means to be able to escape that feeling temporarily, even at the cost of perpetuating it... and I understand how powerful the drive to repeat that escape can be, even when aware of seizing on these repeated behaviors to increase self-contempt. Most of you here know the particulars of that, so I won't repeat myself.
But I will repeat what I think is the key to all this: Self-hatred and the inability to understand you are loved. Say what you will about fundamentalist Christians, they have one thing exactly right, even if they, themselves, sometimes fail to grasp the truth of what they are saying.
You can't earn it.
You can't earn love. You can never be good enough to overcome feelings of guilt and worthlessness. You can't accomplish your way out of it. Taking Foley at his word, it would seem even the power and prestige of being a member of the ruling oligarchy of the world's most powerful nation isn't enough to fill that void... isn't even as effective as inappropriate sexuality at helping you forget it, because he ultimately torpedoed it all so he could keep his method of scratching that particular itch. I'll guarantee you that the thought, "I'm going to get caught" entered his mind a bunch and even the thought of exposure was ultimately not enough to deter him.
Please note, I am NOT trying to say that sexual abuse predisposes you to being a sexual abuser. I am saying that being unable to accept yourself, for whatever reason, drives escapist behavior-- which could be as benign as compulsive shopping or as horrific as what just happened in the Amish community.
Statistically speaking, someone out there reading this is probably faking it the way I did, the way Foley did, the way Roberts did before breaking down. I beg of you, please, recognize that you have worth. Recognize that you *can* be loved for who you are, with all your faults. I know it sounds like a load of crap... that if I really *knew* you I wouldn't say that... I know because I felt that way once, too. Please, if you are in that boat, get help. The only problem is, other people, even professional counselors, can't do it for you... they can show you where the water is... you have to ask for directions and also, eventually, jump in headfirst when you get there. It can be scary, but I am here to tell you that it is worth everything. The Pearl of Great Price from the Christian gospel readings-- so valuable that a man would sell everything he owns to possess it-- that's what the ability to receive love is.
For those of you not in those straits... please remember that people have value. Please remember that the ones in for the harshest judgements are likely more hard on themselves than you could ever be. I'm not suggesting we turn a blind eye to what people do. I'm suggesting we remember that *people* do these things. People with lives and hopes and dreams and, most especially, fears. They are human, and are most assuredly in need of love... even the ones-- especially the ones-- we choose to remove from our midst.
Posts: 3846 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
I think you're pretty much right on, Jim-Me. On just about every point you made. It reminds me of Scott Peck's point (can't remember if it's original with him or if he's quoting someone else) when he says that all neurosis is the attempt to escape legitimate suffering. Or something like that--I'm sure it's badly paraphrased. But the idea is, there are things within us or our pasts that it really, really hurts to face and heal and we do destructive things to avoid facing and dealing with them.
I am watching someone who has come to me for "help" sink quickly into a state that I'm afraid she won't recover from easily. At heart she is a vulnerable person who has had terrible, awful things happen to her. But she is abdicating responsibility and lying, manipulating, and who knows what else rather than dealing with the problems. Ultimately, no one can help her but her.
That's a bit off the track of your post. But it's hard when we reach out in love and find ourselves thwarted by self-destructive (or just plain destructive) patterns.
Anyway, if every parent treated their children the way it seems to me that most of you parents on Hatrack treat yours, there would be far fewer "horrifically broken" people in the world. Christ's uncharicteristically severe teaching that it would be better for someone to cast into the sea with a millstone around his neck rather than to offend a little child, is, I believe, rooted in this cause/effect situation. We are breaking grownups when we mistreat or neglect children.
And of course, the miracle is, the number of children who are abused and come out of it healthy, whole and productive. My father was one. I was just watching a documentary on which Buck Brannaman (the so-called horse whisperer) appeared. He has taken the pain and fear of an abusive childhood and translated that into understanding and working with fearful animals; wonderful story.
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Wow... thanks for writing this, Jim-me. And I hope your kids and everyone else in those schools stay safe.
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All looks clear and I'm now home with the kids. They lifted the lockdown about 10 minutes after I found out about it. I was on the road to go get the kids.
Feeling helpless really sucks. Thanks for the support.
Posts: 3846 | Registered: Apr 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Jim-Me: Statistically speaking, someone out there reading this is probably faking it the way I did, the way Foley did, the way Roberts did before breaking down. I beg of you, please, recognize that you have worth. Recognize that you *can* be loved for who you are, with all your faults. I know it sounds like a load of crap... that if I really *knew* you I wouldn't say that... I know because I felt that way once, too. Please, if you are in that boat, get help. The only problem is, other people, even professional counselors, can't do it for you... they can show you where the water is... you have to ask for directions and also, eventually, jump in headfirst when you get there. It can be scary, but I am here to tell you that it is worth everything. The Pearl of Great Price from the Christian gospel readings-- so valuable that a man would sell everything he owns to possess it-- that's what the ability to receive love is.
So, just to be honest (and show that the statistics apply), I'm one of those people. It's all in there; the pain, shame, denial and escapist behaviour. I have been trying to find my way to the pond, and do believe I've found it. Now I have to get over my fear of drowning and jump in. Since I've been loitering here, I've been trying to be as honest as possible. It has helped me a lot, and I will continue to do so (unless y'all start a petition to shut me up ). I'm not quite ready to divulge all the details right now, but I know that sometime in the future there's going to be a dread thread in which I will own up to some of the things that have gone horribly wrong somewhere along the journey that is (my) life.
Thank you Jim-Me for boosting my spirits just a bit. I'm edging towards the water...
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I hope you find some peace, ESE. I know you'll share what you need to share if and when the time is right for you.
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Feel free to email me if you just want to talk, a little more privately, to someone who's been there.
Posts: 3846 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
(((Jim-Me))) I was thinking about posting something the other day on this.
When Elizabeth Smart was found, there was a guy who proclaimed himself the kidnapper's defense lawyer. I knew this lawyer, I had been in meetings and lunches with him, and it really creeped me out. I also came to believe that a strange note that had appeared on my car after one of my children's blessing had been from the kidnapper. It had been a rambling half revelation, half patriarchal blessing. It brought up some things I had been exposed to as a child. It was just part of the breakdown I was having when I first joined hatrack.
When I read about the 20 year old abuse the Amish shooter mentioned, I wondered if my prior impulses to forget about 25 year old abuse at the hands of older children should be dredged up after all. I suppose I can get their address and write to the district attorney in the county where it happened, and I will have done my part.
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posted
Jim-Me, your post is so valuable. I agree that these perpetrators are human beings, and I don't think anybody gets to the point of committing serious crimes without a lot of pain in his or her background. It makes me sad to think that, as more and more outrageous crimes occur, it's indicative of an underlying sickness in society. Thanks for the reminder - I think it's needed, to keep us all doing what we can to fight that sickness.
ESE, I hope you continue to work at coming to terms with your past. You are a better person than you know for wanting to confront it and work through it. You have a whole bunch of supporters here who are willing to hear if you're ever in need of talking about it.
Pooka, maybe it would be a good idea to write to the DA. Abuse tends to be cyclic, so of course the children who abused you were most likely abused in the same ways themselves, and there is a strong likelihood that they are still abusing as adults. Maybe your information can help others to be free from abuse.
Posts: 1006 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Who knows if I'm even posting the right type of response to this thread, but here I go...
I think a really important part of this is also - when you were a kid, if something happened to you, you were still a kid - just a kid! If you were a kid that grew up like me, grown-ups were to be listened to, respected and learned from. So, whatever road you were lead down by a grown-up who didn't have 'pure' intentions was NOT your fault. What could be your fault is what you do with those memories later on...
I think it takes a lot to come to terms with that fact in and of itself and I think that the power you feel (and i mean power more as in taking your own life back) is amazing.
Thanks for throwing your thoughts out there, Jim-Me.
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Good thoughts are on their way.
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). I'm not quite ready to divulge all the details right now, but I know that sometime in the future there's going to be a dread thread in which I will own up to some of the things that have gone horribly wrong somewhere along the journey that is (my) life.
