Thirty years ago today, my mom became a mother and my dad became a father.
Twelve years ago today, a man I loved and planned to spend my life with proposed marriage. *sad smile* But planning only does so much. It was not until after my marriage was over -- after the Year of Hell, during which I tried to convince my ex that I could change enough -- that I realized that I should never have married him to begin with. Some patterns are only visible in hindsight.
I remember thinking about a year ago, that I had never expected to turn 30 and be divorced. Well, as it happens, I'm turning 30 and am not quite divorced yet (legally, anyway -- I am by Jewish law).
I was born on Pesach (yesterday was my birthday on the Jewish calendar, as it happens), a season of freedom. Mitzraim (Egypt) was a place of maytzar -- narrowness, constraint. (The word may be more familiar from Psalms 118:5, which is actually part of the Seder. Min ha maytzar karati kah, from the narrow places (or more colloquially, the depths of despair) I call out to God.) Pesach is about freeing ourselves from our personal Mitzrayims -- finding ways out of the traps we have fallen into. Or built for ourselves.
And some days I feel like I am making real progress at escaping from some of the narrow places in my life. Recently I started thinking that maybe -- just maybe -- I might be ready to start thinking about dating, once my divorce is final.
Recent events have made it clear that I have issues closer to home that need to be worked on first. *sigh* But I guess it's still progress that I'm considering making myself vulnerable that way again. And the very notion does make me rather panicky. While I don't much like the notion of being single indefinitely, I am terrified of finding myself divorced a second time.
And I am NEVER doing that again. Ever.
A bit over a year ago, I was avoiding pre-Pesach cleaning (an annual pastime, I tend to look for new ways to avoid the necessary cleaning each year ) and spent far more time online than I normally did. (Imagine! I used to not even go online to check my email some days! ) I had discovered Hatrack months before, but never ventured much past the front page. That day, I decided to check out the forums. Felt the need to reply to a thread . . . and y'all have hardly had any peace from me since.
I've always known I have a tendency to talk a lot -- too much, even -- but it's rather disconcerting to notice that many of the fairly active posters who joined Hatrack at about the same time I did are turning 3000. Eeep.
So when I realized a couple weeks ago that I was in danger of reaching 6000 before the birthday I was aiming to coincide with, I figured a bit of forced rationing of posts was good for me. Well, today I celebrate my freedom from post-hoarding.
Happy birthday, rivka! You are so great! How glad we all are that you found us, and that you share with us so much of your heart. Best wishes for your life, your love, and the next 6000, but never let anyone take you away from us. <<<<<hugs>>>>>
Posts: 2814 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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I wanted to clear up the confusion I inadvertently caused. My (English) birthday is today, April 9th. My Hebrew birthday (which I now share with my 2-year-old niece ) is the third day of Pesach -- which happened to land on April 8th this year.
And yes, Farmgirl, it does mean that my birthday cake is usually a Pesach cake. But Pesach cakes are often very good! My mom made a chocolate one this year.
Tony, for shame! Imogen is an engaged woman!
[Addit: Ela, so do we -- my dad's birthday is the first day of Pesach (and April 16th).]
You're a Hatrack fixture in my head, and I can't picture this place without you. I'll never be able to repay the kindness that you've shown me since I joined, and you've helped me through some tough times.
Rivka, you are one of the most wonderful people. Thank you so much for being you! You have welcomed this newbie with such open arms and have been a huge part in making my Hatrack experience special. I can't wait to meet you in June!
Posts: 2062 | Registered: Dec 2003
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