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» Hatrack River Forum » Archives » Landmark Threads » On the verge of a landmark.

   
Author Topic: On the verge of a landmark.
beatnix19
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Ok, so I looked at my post count and saw I'm approaching the 1,000 post mark. It's been 20 months since I first ventured into the boards so I haven't excatly raced to get to this first landmark. No big deal, I know I don't post a lot. I jump in here and there when I see something that looks interesting. I rarely have a very deep or world altering insight into any matter, but that is pretty much true for anything I say. but I have enjoyed my time here.

I've decieded to post a nearly Landmark because this is also how I feel about my personal life. I feel that I am also very close to a pivital point in my life at home. Of those of you who have read some of my posts from about a year ago you know what I'm still struggling with. For the rest of you it goes something like this...

About a year ago I began to suspect my wife of having an affair. Her behavior was very strange. She would stay out all hours, not come home some nights, she was very protective of her cell phone (always erasing call history and never letting it out of her sight), our intimate relationship came to a screaching halt, and the list really goes on. Basically she was showing the typical signs of an afair.

It came to a head when I finally caught her with this other guy. Things got real ugly for a while. He left her and confessed to having a fiance he wasn't going to leave. She attempted suicide. I held her through this all as she cried for days and days about how much she loved him and how she couldn't believe he would leave her. Fun days, as you can imagine.

I was conflicted, and to be honest, still am about what to do. I love my wife and I take our marriage vows rather seriously. It's not as easy as just walking away. So things just kind of leveled out in a really bad place. We weren't fighting much but we weren't talking about the last year either. She actually moved out for a while but has come home and we find that things are still bad. She has no intimate feeling towards me. We spend next to no time together. I sleep in the basement with the dog. I've got a roomate and it sucks.

I have begun going to counciling to deal with some of my anger and self esteem issues. I have developed and a horrible attitude about life. If I'm not angry I find myself deeply depressed. I can't seem to get myself out of this funk. Part of the problem is being at home and seeing the woman I love treat me like a nuisance every day. It sucks but my Dr. is helping me find happiness in myslef and to stop putting so much emphasis on my wife. She obviously can't make me happy right now so I need to do that myself. Working on it.

If this was all I might be able to deal with it but she has really began to show some horrible signs of selfishness and apathy towards my feelings. Just this week she has spent 6 of the last 8 days out with her friends. Three of the nights she stayed out all night, not coming home until the next morning. The nights she has come home it hasn't been until 1:00-2:00 am. Each time she says how sorry she is, how she knows she's being selfish, and that she won't do it again. Then she follows that up with, oh, but I'm going out tonight. Last night was pretty bad. She stayed home while the kids and I went to church, she claimed she didn't feel well when we went to lunch after church. She didn't have dinner with us. Then she ran to Walmart to pick up a couple of things we needed only to call me and say she was spending the night out again with the same two girls she's been with all week. I've been mad but I was absolutely beside myself last night with fury.

So... tomorrow is my last day with students in the classroom. After Friday I am going to be finding myself a lot of free time. I'll be seeing my doctor on Thursday and hopefully he can give me some insight but I can feel that something is brewing. My problem has always been that I am too weak when my wife is involved. I hate to see her upset and I always put myslef on the back burner, allowing her to act horribly and walk all over me. but I've been thinking about me for a change and I think I'm going to be doing some travelling this summer. I've got friends all over the state and I plan on seeing them all, alone. I've already mentally packed a bag. I need to find some peace. So I'm on the verge... something is stirring... I only hope that I can find the anwsers I need.

[ June 06, 2005, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: beatnix19 ]

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Beanny
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(((beatnix)))

I'm sorry about how things came out. You're a wonderful person supporting her even after what she did. You deserve more. Good luck!!!

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Farmgirl
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quote:
Three of the nights she stayed out all night, not coming home until the next morning. The nights she has come home it hasn't been until 1:00-2:00 am. Each time she says how sorry she is, how she knows she's being selfish, and that she won't do it again. then she follows that up with, oh, but I'm going out tonight.
beatnix -- does she possibly have a problem with substance abuse of some type? I just ask because this sounds a LOT like me 20 years ago when I was fighting alcoholism (her's may not be alcohol, it could be something else). The addiction becomes the controlling focus of life.

Just thought I'd ask. I'll be praying for you both.

Farmgirl

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beatnix19
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No substance abuse. She will drink a little but not actually a problem. I think it is her way of getting free of our problems.

I can actually understand her thought process this week. Her best friend just left her husband and has been stying with us. She has been trying to help her get her mind off the situation. I told her I understood that the first night they went out, iwas even ok with the second night, but each day since has made me more and more angry. The problem is that she knows how angry I am. She knows that by helping her friend with her problems she is only causing them for us. I asked and she just said it's easier to talk about someone elses roblems than to look at our own.

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johnsonweed
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Wow, beatnix. I'm sorry that you are being put through such a trial. Remember that marriages are partnerships and vow or no vow, they cannot be sustained by ony one person. You may still love her, but it seems like she really wants you to let her go. A year is a long time for you to have to be dealing with this, and I can only imagine what your kids are going through.

I'll remember you in my prayers, bro.

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imenimok
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((beatnix))

Holler if you come by Columbus.

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beatnix19
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Imenimok - what part of C-Bus are you from? I grew up in Worthington. Go wolves!
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imenimok
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I'm not actually from Columbus. I live in Clintonville. And I'm fiazko, in case you didn't know.
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Dan_raven
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Beat, I don't know what to say, but know you can find humor and caring here.
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Telperion the Silver
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(((beat)))
[Frown]

I'm sorry buddy.
*sends good vibes*
How old are your kids? Are they aware of what's going on? Your wife needs a boot to the head. *sigh* Best of luck.
[Group Hug]

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Jay
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Keep your chin up. Do things with the kids. Get more hobbies. Don’t let her bring you down. Good luck.
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beatnix19
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Kids are 5 and 4 and very aware of the tension. I am trying to busy myself but up to this point I have refused to consider anything other than sitting and taking it. She's my wife and these are bad times and things will eventually get better and blah, blah blah...

I think I've finally realized that she just doesn't care. Not that she is trying to be nasty or hurtful on purpose but she really just doesn't care. She doesn't love me? oh well, no big deal. She doesn't find me attrractive, hmmm... too bad. She doesn't want to spend tim,e with me, oh, well. He'll deal with it. Seriously. She has resigned to the idea that we'll just have to be miserable and she can't do anything about it so why worry about it. I'm finally starting to realize that I can't live that way. It's not much fun. I'm not a knock out or antything but I'd like my significant other to find me mildly attractive. I ceratinly want to be loved and it would be nice to be with someone who actually wants to spend time with me. So... I feel I'm moving closer to some landmark moment where things are going to change. It's all up to me, I know that and the burden is getting awfully heavy.

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Jim-Me
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Wow. E-mail me if you ever want to chat/vent.

Peace to you, bro.

Jim

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The Pixiest
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You take your vows seriously and that's sadly rare in this day and age.

Unfortunately, she didn't take hers seriously and if you were to take the kids and leave.. or better, kick her out and get a divorce, you would be in the right.

SHE broke the vows, not you.

YOU are a good person who deserves better.

Vows are like a balloon. You can't just pop your own half.

Pix

(edit: Work called when I was typing this and I didn't get to add the balloon part till now)

[ June 06, 2005, 08:27 PM: Message edited by: The Pixiest ]

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ctm
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(((beatnix))

Beatnix I've been thinking about you lately and wondering how you were doing... I was going through the same thing with my now ex-husband when you were struggling with your wife's affair... I'm sorry things are so difficult for you. It's possible your wife is trying to provoke you into making the move to get a divorce-- my ex used that tactic.

I also took my vows very seriously and it was very hard for me to give up on my marriage. If you ever want to talk with someone who has gone through it and is finally coming out the other side-- email me. My best advice is focus on yourself and your kids, and do what you need to do to make the three of you happy and stable.

I'll keep you and your kids in my prayers

ctm
edited because I was typing too fast

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Vadon
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Hm, I'm not sure what my advice would be worth, coming from a mere 15 year old hot-headed teenager, but... It's worth a shot.

To me, it sounds like you have been trying to right these wrongs for quite some time. You've been desperatly trying to fix things... However, because this is a marriage, it needs both of you working together to get through the problems. What you eventually have to realize is... you're doing all that you can, you can be expected to do all of the work. It has now come to the point where if she doesn't make an effort, it really is her own fault for keeping these going. You're doing all you can, but you will need her to finish fixing everything. However, it sounds a lot like she isn't even going to try... ever. You said she knows that this is hurting you, but she continues.

Now, I'm definatly not the one to tell you what you should do about your marriage, whether it be divorce, marriage counciling, or what... But a marriage is a commitment to each other, and she obviously isn't commited to you as much as she should be. What I'm saying is that even if you tried bringing out a divorce, you've not... really broken your vows. It's kinda hard to hear, but they're already broken, not from your end, but by her. It's your choice as to what action you want to take, but at least in our eyes here in Hatrack, I think it's safe to say we will all support you in you decision and hope for the best outcome for you.

Though, what I do suggest is that you do try to find a release from this, just temporary. As Jay suggested, get some hobbies. Remember what you do have, what you have left. You have your children, a job, you have life... these are all some of the greatest things to have. It seems these problems already eating at you inside, but if you let it eat you completely there'd be nothing left, would there?

(Edited to make my true meanings clear and not try to sound so... mean, I guess?)

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rivka
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beatnix, I think you have some idea of how anti-divorce I am -- especially when there are kids in the picture. And I absolutely applaud your repeated efforts to repair your marriage. I would have given up long ago.

But at some point there comes a time when you have to ask yourself if you can really picture a future with her any more. I'm not suggesting any rash decisions . . . just an openness to the possibility that this may not be something that can be repaired.

Just IMO, natch.

Good luck, with whatever you decide. And stick with the counseling -- for your sake and your kids'. This is a tough time, and it can help a lot.

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Dragon
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(((beatnix)))

I'm so sorry, and I dearly hope you can find peace, happiness, and someone who loves you as much as you deserve.

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Narnia
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(((beatnix))) Thanks for sharing dear, I hope it helps a little. I've thought about you all year. I hope and pray that you find your way to happiness and that your upcoming landmark is a big step in the right direction. You're a good dad and a good person, don't ever forget that.
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beatnix19
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Thought I'd update just a bit. I'm feeling a bit better. I am really enjoying my summer so far. Things haven't changed much with my wife and I but I m happier for some reason. the kids and I are having fun and I've done a good job of pulling myself away from the situation and just living life a bit. This weekend is our 6 year wedding aniversary. We had been making plans to go out of town for the weekend but I'm not sure if I still want to. She is out this very minute with the same girls she's been going out with all the time. Thta hasn't slowed down and I'm not sure I really want to spend all that money and time with someone who has no time for me during the week. maybe it's just me being petty but I'm actually trying to make plans to spend the weekend back home (Columbus) with my high school friends. I told her this tonight as she was saying goodnight to the kids over the phone from the bar down the street. She didn't yell but she seemed a bit disapointed. Maybee that's what I wanted. Again, petty. I know.
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