the person who comes up with *that* answer will be awarded medals from every nation on Earth, my friend.
Posts: 3516 | Registered: Sep 2002
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posted
Write yourself a letter detailing why it is better to open yourself up to new relationships, rather than settle for the one that is not working. Keep the letter with you all the time, and when you start to feel longing for the person, read the letter and remind yourself why you've decided to move on.
Be brutally honest in the letter, yet fair to yourself and the other person. It will only work if the reasons are genuine and the tone is reasonable.
It's not fun. It's like getting a shot each time you read the letter. But each time you read it, the need will be just a little bit less, until one day you realize that you haven't looked at the letter for weeks and when you read it, it will be with a sense of nostalia, rather than pain.
posted
Problem is, I've loved the same girl since 3rd grade Nothing has really changed to alter how I feel about her, probably in large part because we've never been more then close friends.
Thank you though. Thats a good idea.
Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2001
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Letter writing is a good answer. One way to finally move on is to rember what you loved <or still love> about her and open your eyes to all those around you who exhibt some of the same traits. Dont expect to every really replace her, because you cant. She will always own a small part of your hart, but she will never likely own so much of your heart that you cant fall in love again.
The good thing is when you do fall in love again you will recognize it more quickly, and strive to make it richer when it happens.
Short version, you never stop loving a person you were in love with, but by moving on you expose yourself to deeper and more meaningful levels of love.
God thats was sappy of me... time to go back into lurker mode.
Posts: 110 | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
"Nothing gets you over someone like getting under someone else."
These words, while they seem shallow, are in fact very wise regardless of how literally you choose to interpret them.
In other words, date. Meet other girls. Hopefully, sooner or later you'll realize that the girl who currently tugs at your heartstrings isn't the perfect goddess you believed her to be, and that in fact there are things about girls X, Y, and Z (who you have dated by this point) that you prefer.
In early 2002 I found myself trying to put four years of head-over-heels love behind me. Actually, that wasn't directly my intent; my intent was to raise my chances of meeting new and interesting women above zero (and, by extension, put The Girl™ behind me). I sat down and looked at my life and thought about the things I'd need to change in order to accomplish that (it helped that at the time I was living alone in the middle of nowhere for four months). After reaching some conclusions (the most prominent of which was "get out more"), I went back to school and applied them. I didn't actually date anyone new for quite a while, I just made a point of going out to bars and clubs with my friends and enjoying myself on the dance floor. If I happened to catch a smile, or even better, a smoldering "come hither" from a cutie on the dance floor I'd groove with said cutie for a bit but be sure to make an exit before the possibility of further contact was raised. It was a huge confidence booster – who doesn't like to feel sexy and desireable?
Because I was definitely not looking for any sort of committment – not even so much as dating – I did wind up having to break one poor girl's heart (I'd feel bad, but I don't take kindly to being manipulated and I definitely felt like she was trying to manipulate me).
Then that fall the double train cuties happened, and not only did I find myself all set to date again – provided there was no stated desire for committment off the bat, at any rate, which was what killed it for the summer girl – I also found myself dating two girls at one (albeit briefly).
(One thing I never mentioned in that thread was that Train Cutie #1 is nine years my senior )
So. I am proof that it can be done. I really was in honest-to-goodness capital L-O-V-E "Love." The genuine article. But I just picked up and moved on, and while the feelings stayed strong for a long time, they did eventually go into suspended animation.
Posts: 10886 | Registered: Feb 2000
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posted
Instead of focusing on all the reasons you love her, focus on all the really gross things she does that you overlook because of it. Remember that time she got drunk and puked all over you? Remember how bitchy she can be about getting her own way? You know, things like that. (It really helps if they pick their nose or something. )
Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
Kayla's advice is also sound. Convince yourself that she is not perfect and then you'll realize that it was always true. Posts: 10886 | Registered: Feb 2000
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posted
What worked for me was something along the lines of what Kayla suggested. You squelch longing down with memories of hurt and pain. Sort of the opposite of how I used to get past hurt and pain by focusing on the good times.
But, the good news is, up until a couple months back, I was sure I would never find an answer to your question either. But now, I have other things to worry about instead.
What got me past it was two things: time (this is a biggie -- be sure to give yourself plenty, it's important) and friends. RL friends, two in particular, who I spent hours and hours talking with. Who have known me (and my ex) for years, and helped me see things clearly, over and over, as many times as I needed. And online friends (mostly from the other forum I frequent), who gave me new perspectives, and who were there at 2am.
Good luck, Paul, and (((((Paul))))).
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Well, I can personally testify that continuing to have casual sex with the person on a fairly regular basis for two years doesn't help the process of getting over them along much. Neither does convincing yourself that you still have a chance, when in fact you don't.
The letter is a great suggestion, and the people that have said "time and friends" are right, I think.
Twink's suggestion about going out and flirting, but not dating, seems like a good one to me. I know that dating itself didn't help me much. Well, actually, ultimately it did I suppose, but only by virtue of the incredible centeredness, perception, and personality of the person I started dating. Early in my relationship with my wife, C, I was still pining over this person that I'd been involved with years ago. C sensed the distance in me and asked me about it. After talking about it, she just asked me if I really still wanted to be with this person, and volunteered to help me get back together with her if I wanted to. She suggested that I really think about it, keeping in mind that the person that had hurt me, and over whom I'd been pining, was a 17 year old girl (that having been her age when I went out with her--I'm not a cradle robber!). Somehow that offer, which I could tell was completely genuine, made me really stop and think about this situation in a fresh light, and what I had felt for the old girlfriend just evaporated on the spot.
Also, I think that deep down there's a level of yourself you can connect with, from which you can simply say "no, this isn't healthy for me. I refuse to continue in this way any longer." I haven't had the opportunity to use that technique to fall out of love (haven't had the need since I discovered it in myself) but it's worked for me for changing other hard-to-change things like depression.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
Take a few laps around Castle Island* with a burger from Sullivan's*. I can't gurantee it will work, but it's a nice place to walk. Also good for dates with "someone else", eh?
*I think you'd have to be from MA (possibly even Boston specifically) to get this
Posts: 183 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
For me what seemed to help was getting my heart broken by the girl. I too was in love with my best friend, and we did end up having a serious relationship. If we hadn't, I probably still would think of her as the "perfect girl" who I will always be in love with. Since I was with her though I know this isn't true.
I stopped believing in fate, soulmates, destiny, divine intervention, and all that stuff. She was just a girl. A great girl, unique in a lot of ways, but still just a girl.
Since that realization, not only am I "out of love" with her, but I am a much stronger emotionally, less obsessive, and just plain happier. We even became close friends again recently.
Now, is there a reason you have loved her for so long and only been close friends? Why don't you make a move? or have you?
posted
(((((Paul))))) It will certainly be hard, but you'll heal. And love often happens to appear when you feel most desesperate, so...
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
Xavier- I made a "move" a couple times. She's always wanted me as a friend, though. I'm not sure if she knows how I really feel, but she definetely knows I like her as more then a friend.
Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2001
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posted
Is cutting off contact for 6 months an option, or is she someone that is too deeply imbedded in your group of friends/workplace/class sechedule/whatever for that to be a possibility?
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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I have the same agreement with the comment from Leonide.
quote: The person who comes up with *that* answer will be awarded medals from every nation on Earth, my friend.
I expressed in detail my trouble doing this very thing in my landmark thread a few days ago. If you are interested you can read my PREVIOUS struggle.
The most practical advice I could give is that there are plenty of other women out there, and you just have to test the waters to find someone else. There is nothing quite like a new relationship to help ease the pain of a broken one. Well, that and blowing things up, I suppose. Edit: Also forgot, FPS fragfests and driving like Mario Andretti on Stacker 3 also help.
Just be careful to not do anything dangerous.
Posts: 1870 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
>> I was serious with two girls during that time. <<
And then what? The original girl came back (or you went back) and the feelings returned? Did they never go away? How long ago did all of this happen? What about non-serious dating?
Posts: 10886 | Registered: Feb 2000
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posted
How did your feelings for this woman impact your relationships with the two women you were serious with during that 2 year span?
In my case, after I'd finally gotten over the ex-girlfriend (I'd also dated several people in the intrim, and hadn't had any contact with her for years, to no avail) I realized that on a subconscious level, I'd been using my pining for her as an excuse to kind of hold the world at arms length. It was a way of insulating myself from getting hurt again, albeit one that involved nurturing that previous hurt. Is it possible that you're doing something like this, without realizing it?
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
mooboy04, but I'm only online after work (about six hours from now).
I'm not trying to be pedantic; it's just hard to give proper advice without understanding what the story is. Seems as though you've already done at least some of the sensible things; maybe you should put her on the first colony ship to Mars or something Posts: 10886 | Registered: Feb 2000
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posted
That would be an option if I didn't want her as a friend
I want to fall out of love so that our friendship doesn't frustrate me every time she does or says something that the stupid part of my brain interprets as a "come hither."
Honestly, she IS a good friend. She's helped me through a couple of VERY rough periods, including being the only person who bothered listening to me when my parents seperated.
That, of course, is part of the problem.
Ahh, well. I'll live Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2001
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I don't like this setup. It's not healthy for you, man, good friend or no. And no matter how awesome she is as a friend, your sanity is more important. Maybe what you need is final, 100% confirmation that your love is unrequieted. And I don't mean "make a move," like the sort of maybe kind of move where afterwards she still might not know how you feel, I mean something that cannot possibly be misconstrued, but not a weepy confession! You need to find out how she feels about you and she needs to find out how you feel about her. If that comes at the cost of the friendship... well, IMO, sanity >>>>> friend. Insane people can't really have friends at all
So, pretend your balls are made of steel. Show it to her. Put it on her leg. See what she says.
(Heck, just ask her out on what would unequivocally be a romantic-type date. Or do a striptease. Or something.)
And remember, a reply of "I don't want to mess up our friendship" is equivalent to a reply of "I want to have my cake and eat it too." I somehow doubt that this sort of answer will wreck the friendship in the long term, but I do think you're going to have to set it aside for a while until you get your feelings sorted out.
(That is to say, unless she responds to your show of affection with some sort of "It's about damn time!")
Edit:
I wanted to stay friends with The Girl after each of our breakups, too. The first time it led to another relationship a while later; the second time it led to me playing doormat until I finally grew a pair and said "I've had it with this setup, don't talk to me about boys." And this was the girl who helped me get through the death of one of my best friends. I valued her friendship and didn't want to lose it, but at the same time I wasn't about to be an emotional tampon, so to speak.
Now, while I don't see her that often, there's no tension when we hang out. I don't confide in her anymore and she doesn't confide in me, but that's fine because I don't need that from her anymore.
Paul - no matter what, unless you marry her, you will lose her eventually as a friend anyway. If you are that close to her, then you can't be that close to someone else.
You are going to lose her friendship anyway - maybe not next week, but eventually. Better to do it now and keep your sanity.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
"Paul - no matter what, unless you marry her, you will lose her eventually as a friend anyway"
Ok, whether or not this is true in my particular case...
Why is it that men and women can't be friends if they knew each other before they married different people? I mean, I certainly hope I have several of the same female friends I do now, after I get married...
Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2001
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You must say to her, in person, "I want to sex you repeatedly." If she says "Let's go," then you win. If she says "I want to have my cake and eat it too," you lose, but at least you know for sure. Right? Posts: 10886 | Registered: Feb 2000
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posted
I disagree with you on that one Kat. I think even if you are in a relationship it is possible to maintain friendships with the opposite sex outside of that relationship. I have and continue to do so, even with several guys with whom I was emotinally involved. So I don't think you will automatically lose her friendship if you don't marry her. That is unless you marry someone who isn't comfortable with themselves and doesn't trust you and becomes jealous.
But I'm coming from a different paradigm too, that where being an female engineer probably 2/3 of my friends were guys anyway.
posted
I don't mean as a friend forever, but as a best friend. As... as an other half. The primary emotional support. The other part of your world kind of friend.
I have guy friends that I do love and hang out with still, but with all of them, our relationship changed when they got married. With a couple, we aren't friends now because their wives weren't cool with it - despite NO history of dating, I was competition. With the ones I have kept, I have to be friends with their wives.
I've seen it the other way - when a guy marries his sweetheart but keeps another as his best friend. This is NOT a good situation. And its easy to do, especially if there was nothing definitely romantic to start with. It's easy to deny something that never came to fruition.
--
Until just recently, my friends were always all guys. My boys in high school, the guys in college, my best friends.
*thinks* The ones with whom I am still friends after they married, I was "one of the guys". The ones that saw me as a girl, and saw being friends with me as a way to be close without freaking me out, I wasn't friends with after.
posted
I don't know if I agree with Kat or not. Look at that whole paragraph and not just the first sentence.
Sure, I'm friends with lots of men. I always have been. But I don't have any "ones that got away".
As long as you still love her, you won't be getting as close to anyone else. And it won't be just the insecure, jealous type. I don't think I qualify as that kind of girl, but I have been 2nd prize before. You know what? I'm too good to be a consolation gift. As is any woman worth having.
Edit: kat types too fast, i refer to her previous post. the one above me i agree with entirely.
posted
Try deleting a few posts and then doing it again, like how driving in reverse will roll back your odometer.
Posts: 9945 | Registered: Sep 2002
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posted
ug, skimmed thread a second time and noticed twinky's edit.
i cannot forgive you for the horror that is "emotional tampon" i can only spread the horror by repeating that phrase in this post.
Posts: 3956 | Registered: Jun 2001
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