posted
Some of you know that my "Must Negotiate and Fix Everything in the Family" aunt tore into me a couple days before thanksgiving.
The gist of her complaints about me were the following:
1. I've cut out the family 2. They're going to cut me out for not speaking to my father. 3. I can depend on my father. He loves me and I should realize that and trust him. 4. I need to put my past behind me and forget about it. 5. I can't hang the past abuses from my father over his head. 6. I need to get over my illness. 7. I should tell them when I'm ill (i.e. in the hospital). 8. They also question my medical team's competency since I've been in and out of the hospital. 9. I'm turning into my mother by being ill and abandoning my family. 10. I should realize that my father hasn't abandoned me (and pretend that he didn't abandon/neglect me as a kid).
Okay, I realize that my mother has completely abandoned me and my sister and that my father is at least still around.
I wonder if I should give my father another shot. NOT using said aunt as a intermediary, but just me and him attempting to work things out. I mentioned to my aunt him going to some therapy sessions with me, but she complained (more) saying that it wouldn't accomplish anything.
I think it WOULD if the relationship between myself and my father could be repaired.
So wise Hatrack, what's your take on the situation?
Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
That sounds like a wonderful idea. Find a good family therapist, and let word get back to your father that you are willing to talk to him, only on the condition that you do so at counseling first. Only after some counseling together can you two ever be close again.
As far as the rest of the list, please inform your Aunt, in nice language with a minimum of rude hand gestures, that you are a grown woman. You appreciate her care and support, but you must live your life as best you can. You must be you, not who they want you to be.
You are not your mother. You are not your father. You are Mack, and frankly, you make a darn good Mack at that. Then poor her some more tea and ask her about the weather.
If she demands to stay on this personal attack, respond by asking her when she lost her virginity, and was it painful, or some other overly personal life altering question.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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----- For the aunt: Hmm... my grandmother used to be derogative about the women her progeny found. Grandson's girlfriends, my mother, my aunt, all of them. Not too loud, but somewhat consistent.
This year, I told her to knock it off. She didn't talk to me for about two months, and ever since then, she's gone out of her way to say nice things about all of them.
Should have done that earlier. --- For your dad: Yes, but in counseling. YOu don't have to, but as much as I HATE it, parents are a part of you forever. If there's a chance, even a tiny one, of making the connection less painful, then go for it. Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
It sounds like the aunt is trying to work some of her issues from her past through you. These types of relatives get especially nuts around the holidays.
My past with my dad was... interesting. At one point I decided to forgive him, but that means accepting him the way he is. So he would probably do the same types of things again, given the opportunity.
It's too bad people stigmatize mental illness so much. I have people in my life I'd like to go to a counselor with, and they won't for me.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I didn't say anything yesterday because I didn't have anything to add.
I agree with jexx. And CT. And definitely with Dan. And kat. And pooka.
You aunt is very, very wrong. She was likely an ostrich in a former life. Her desire to patch things up is good; but NOT at the cost of your mental health. We needs our mack!
posted
First, your aunt has nothing to do with this. She's just an annoyance that you really can and should ignore -- especially if she's going to act like the above list you gave. Your father is not your aunt, and vice versa...
So...
The questions are as follows:
1) Do you WANT a relationship with your father? 2) Does he want one with you? 3) What are you both willing to do to make sure you have one?
All the therapy (joint and separate) in the world can't make things better if the answer to #1 or #2 is "no, not really." And #3 is just an empirical measure of how meaningful your "yes" answers are.
Are you, for instance, willing to never bring up the past if that is what it takes to have a relationship with your father?
Is he, conversely, willing to go over the past again and again until you have worked it all out, if that's what it takes for him to have a relationship with you?
Are you willing to put differences aside long enough to sit down at the holidays in a large group setting and hope for a lack of blow-ups?
If your father agrees with your aunt about your condition and the assistance you are getting with it, do you really think you are ready for the relationship with him now? Maybe later would be better... If he's more open minded, maybe you could use an ally in hte family.
My $.02
(((Mack)))
by the way, I liked all the other responses here too...
So, I guess you should do them ALL!
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
By the way, the cynical side of me is not surprised that your aunt chose the days leading up to Thanksgiving to lay into you. It's at this time of year that we neurotically start to compare our family lives to that picture of home-spun healthiness we've all imbibed from the glass teat. (or somewhere...)
And the pressure is ON! You MUST come home for the holidays? Why? It's not like I'm there any other times. But it's the HOLIDAYS! Yep.
I suspect that you, Mack, are the focus for this aunt because if it weren't for your recalcitrance, YOUR FAMILY WOULD BE PERFECT...just like the Hallmark cards. All seated around the table discussing the latest successes and jolly to the point of pain.
Maybe I'm projecting. I have an aunt that is like the above. She doesn't give a darn about anyone all year long but if she decides that everyone should be at the table for some holiday meal, watch out!
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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