Eyes flicked open, and awareness began. It wondered where it was; then, who it was but an answer came easily:
"I am."
Light. Arms, legs. A sense of something... masculinity. He looked at his hands, then planted them firmly behind him and hopped into a crouch. Time passed, and he became aware that the floor - metal? - was cold on his bare feet. He stood, arms reaching for opposing walls. The room seemed smaller now.
His sense of identity coalesced still further, and he spoke his own name:
"Tao."
He was surprised to hear a voice respond to his own.
"Good morning, Tao."
There was something about the texture - feminine. The voice spoke again:
"I am Nogami. I will be your teacher."
Tao looked around, but there was no one else in the bare room.
posted
Since I'm at a computer at the school, doing homework while I check Hatrack, all I will say for the time being is that I really liked this piece.
Posts: 9754 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
Okay. It's cinematic -- even down to the quasi-martial arts poses -- and sounds a lot like anime. I'm going to say Mike. Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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It's interesting. I like it, but it has a few word choices that struck me at first as odd. A good kind of odd -- makes me think. Like do voices have textures? Yeah, I guess they sort of do.
The words are very deliberately chosen, the rules of grammar, usage, punctuation all punctiliously applied.
posted
I love it when people pick me just because it's grammatically correct and punctuated properly. Posts: 9945 | Registered: Sep 2002
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posted
Well, the deliberateness was a factor too. And the fact that it doesn't have the feel I associate with the writing of several other suspects who have impeccable grammar and punctuation.
Hmm. But then, if it were someone who has a lot of his stuff read by others, he'd have to disguise his style. ScottR?
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Well, well... I've read the excerpt a couple of times and have come to the conclusion that I suck as a critic. This isn't news to me -- generally I'm only able to tell whether it's something I like or not. Switching from literature to law was perhaps the best move I've made yet in my career.
While this piece is too short for me to say for certain whether I like it or not, I can say that it is intriguing and makes me want to know more about what's going to happen -- and that's good, right? The I'm-waking-up-and-don't-know-who-where-what-I-am-scene is perhaps a bit cliché and makes me believe that this may be a young/inexperienced writer; but on the other hand, it is well executed.
quote:He looked at his hands, then planted them firmly behind him and hopped into a crouch.
Presumably the character is lying down when he (it? perhaps it's a robot?) wakes up, and I cannot quite visualize the mechanics of him hopping into a crouch. Perhaps a different choice of verb would be preferable, even though hopping together with the crouching do evoke -- aside from bunny associations -- some sort of martial art impression which might be intended.
My guess: young, male, trying to mis-direct: T_Smith.
posted
I liked it. It seems that Tao is comming out of some kind of suspended animation. Or at least that he has been here before but as a smaller/younger man. I guess suspended animation because he seems to be recalling things as he regains his bearings. I would peg the author as a young man who probably likes Anime, because of the names used. they have a asian flair to them. also some of the springing motions/actions described.
My Guess: T_Smith
edit: T_Smith was already guessed so I 'll change mine to ae
posted
I like this piece. It has the feel of someone very comfortable with words. The use of language is great; descriptive, complex, but not overdone. A lesser writer would want to overuse language like "coalesced" or "masculinity," but this one has a great sense for balancing complexity and simplicity.
The writing style flows well. It's not quite a stream of consciousness, but it gives that sense. It draws us into Tao's experience, makes us see it from his perspective.
And the characterization is good too. We're given a portrait of a man who comes into consciousness knowing nothing, and yet maintains his calm. Indeed, he seems more curious than anything.
I can't really find any flaws with this, and it definitely makes me want to read more.
And yes, my name is Mike.
Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
Interesting, seems like a young man. He also seems like he's a fan of anime or Japan... I like the sensory imagery in the piece. I'd be interested in reading a little more. I'm also curious about the symbolism of the name "Tao"....
posted
I agree with Mike, the writing flows smoothly in this piece, from description of the environment to thought processes of Tao to dialogue and back.
No obvious flaws to note.
I guess Ryuko, because she is a fan of anime and Japan, and has written fan-fiction anime. This piece has that feel.
Posts: 6316 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
You know, I really do feel like I would disappoint people if I participated and sent in a short story, based upon those critiques that guessed it was me.
Posts: 9754 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
Okay, posting without reading the other responses: I really like this. The very beginning made me think of a bugger being born. It definitely sounded like another species, and also very Asian. It might just be because of the names, but it really felt Asian. I'm thinking male, though this one could definitely go either way. enjeeo (Even though I think that's a girl, she lives in Japan, right?)
Posts: 981 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
I have a hard time with characters who have to first figure out that they exist when they wake up. It?s too hard for me to imagine and it?s a bit of a turn-off. There is no warmth in the story. This passage is quite well executed, but I?d like to see more warmth right off the bat. Preferably in Nogami?s voice. Something that hints at Tao?s humanity, if indeed that?s where this story is going. We need to connect to someone, so someone has to feel warm and familiar.
I?m going to guess Jaiden.
Edit: Stupid question marks.
[ December 03, 2003, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: advice for robots ]
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
A lot of people seem to be thinking male, so I'm going to go in the other direction and say Maethoriell. Also she's Asian and I still say this excerpt has an Asian feel.
Posts: 981 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
My instinct with this excerpt is that the author is someone who is very comfortable with words and with ideas, but not so comfortable with people. My reasoning:
quote:Arrival.
Eyes flicked open, and awareness began. It wondered where it was; then, who it was but an answer came easily:
"I am."
These three lines are daring—really daring. OSC (I believe it was him) said that you'd better be really sure that any sentence you set on its own line is worth the space and the emphasis. There are two in the first three paragraphs of the story, and they are one and two words, respectively. That, to me, conveys an arrogant tone. That's okay; a lot of sf is arrogant and I like it anyway.
For the record, I like the first sentence on its own line ("Arrival."), but the second, I believe, would be more effective, more understated, if it were left in the line above it.
Words like "coalesce" and, as others have pointed out, the carefulness with words lead me to believe that this is a well-educated person who has read a lot. At the same time, the grammar is not perfect. This person clearly cares more about the story than the mechanics.
But there is so much coldness in the story that it almost becomes like a math textbook. That's an overstatement. At the same time, sentences like
quote:He stood, arms reaching for opposing walls.
seem to me to denote a lack of common sense. I would write that sentence like this:
"He stood and reached for the walls," or even "He stood and groped or fumbled for the walls." Of course his arms would be doing the reaching. We've already established that he has hands and can crouch, so the extra word there is extraneous. And how does he know the walls are opposing? Opposing what? Each other? Can he seriously reach both at once? And if he has to reach, he obviously can't see. Hmm.
The writing is overall pretty tight, but I'd like to see a bit more clumsiness, more emotion, more humanity in the character, since most of us are, at least to some extent, clumsy, emotional, and human.
My first guess is Irami because I've noticed some of these tendencies in his work: a strong intelligence and tightness, but lacking in warmth of character.
posted
I liked it too, it's very assured, with an immediate sense of both place and character. Certainly made me want to read more.
I was impressed by the 'tightness' of the writing - there's nothing at all unnecessary there, a sparseness of description which really draws the reader into the situation, and lends it an almost poetic feel, IMO. This is also enhanced by the slightly disjointed, stream of consciousness tone, especially in the first few lines.
In terms of style and tone, I think this particular piece could come from any number of people, but my guess is: Icarus
Posts: 466 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
I'm very impressed. I like the use of a bare room, yet still there's a lot to describe here. I got a definite feeling of power from Tao and then there's this other presence that sort of takes command.
posted
I really liked this piece. The emphasis on gender, the emotional quality, and the status of Nogami as Tao's teacher are all aspects of this piece that make me think the author is definitely female. The writing is certainly tight, so I also think this excerpt comes from a very intelligent and logical thinking mind. That, of course, describes most of us here.
I guess jeni.
Posts: 46 | Registered: Nov 2003
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posted
I agree that this has a very anime feel, however this:
quote: "I am."
led me to believe that the person may be somewhat religious. Not that it makes guessing any easier, because just about everybody here is to some degree or another.
I feel like the write was female. I just pulled that from the air, but the use of the word masculinity may have led me there. It's just not a word that I've heard used by many men.
posted
You know what? If we're looking for someone who writes like a man, occasionally thinks like a woman, and is passably familiar with anime, maybe BannaOJ should be our target.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Confused]](confused.gif)
Is Mike Saxon75?
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
-- makes me think. Like do voices have textures? Yeah, I guess they sort of do. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Well, the deliberateness was a factor too. And the fact that it doesn't have the feel I associate with the writing of several other suspects who have impeccable grammar and punctuation.![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
) didn't detract at all from the story.![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
I wonder what's on your mind.... ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
), then "couch" and then "crouch". I got it in the end!
