posted
This was the final question on the Rocky Marriage thread, and I thought it bore it's own thread. What do you think is the difference between being Selfish and having Self-esteem?
To me, being selfish is needing to feel you are better than others, or needing the praise of others.
I think Self-esteem means you can be glad of what you are and have without trashing others or seeking their approval.
I guess the bigger problem is how to build self esteem without focusing on the Self.
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quote: needing to feel you are better than others, or needing the praise of others.
I don't need the praise of others, and I don't NEED to feel better than others. It's a simple proven fact that I am. Why do I need people to state the obvious? Posts: 9754 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
I do. I need praise. Not a ton, and not all the time, but I need to hear it, and I need to hear it from someone with no ulterior motives.
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posted
I think that the best sign of good self-esteem is never thinking about yourself at all. I don't think anyone actually spends time sitting around thinking about how great they are. They'll talk that way sometimes around other people, but truly confident, self-assured individuals are much more concerned with their projects, accomplishments, goals, activities, and friends, then they are with self-analysis. It's people with self-esteem problems who sit their worrying about themselves. It's those people who demand a lot from other people in their self-centered pursuit of acceptance and worth.
So it stands to reason that if you want to build self-esteem without being selfish, you need to avoid thinking or talking about your self-esteem problems and go out and do something Posts: 1907 | Registered: Feb 2000
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I think everyone needs to hear praise sometimes. I have a firm belief that everyone needs one person who adores and admires them unconditionally. It certainly doesn't have to be constant, but it is incredibly important to have.
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quote:I do. I need praise. Not a ton, and not all the time, but I need to hear it, and I need to hear it from someone with no ulterior motives.
Me too. I feel like I'm pretty emotionally stable, but underneath that stability, I'm just as insecure as anyone else. I need to feel like I'm valued, and not just valued in any way, but in a meaningful way.
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posted
Jon Boy, can I say I think you're great and I'm glad you're around without you thinking I'm hitting on you?
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posted
Oh, sorry. I suppose I should've use the word wonderful in my last post. Well then, here you go: I think you're wonderful. Now hurry up and finish your landmark so I can stop being weirded out by your other name.
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posted
I'm trying, but I'm actually having the dillema RatDog mentioned up there - it's a lot of talking about myself, and I do it so much on impulse that planning to do so seems almost excessive.
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Through out high school I pretty much didn't get copmliments, I spent almost all my day getting insulted (I was most defenitly not liked in my classes, maybe 3 people would like me and the rest of the class all strongly disliked me). When I got home I was certainly not run down or anything, in fact I had a fine time at home but we also didn't exactly spend times exchanging copmliments. So I basically went through high school (and most of middle school now that I think about it) being continually insulted and rarely copmlimented.
I think it was probably a good thing, my ego is big enough as it is. I don't need continual praise, or even lack of insults, though I do think it would be nice to have one place where you can come back and feel loved. That was home for most of my life, unfortunatly I was also a stupid high schooler for a couple of years and didn't really feel love from my family (my fault, not theirs), and then when I joined the Church, I stopped being close to my family, so I'm depseratly glad I found Annie, who has a ridiculous view of me, not that I mind.
Anyways, point being, I think you don't need compliments, but that it can be tough when you only get insults.
posted
I think you're wonderful too Kat, if for no other reason than I love your choice of name.
In all seriousness, I think you're right. People do need praise, at least occasionally. Too often people are never told the wonderful things about them. You're either told the bad things, or you're left alone. We should all take the time, every now and then, just to tell our friends/co-workers/families that they're good people.
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posted
Interestingly, I think everyone is selfish and must be selfish to survive. True altruism is death.
But there is healthy and unhealthy selfishness. Self-esteem doesn't equal selfishness per se. I mean, a low self-esteem person can be just as selfish as one who seeks contstant attention (an ego boost a day, eg...)
Anyway, I don't mind selfish people. I'm one too. I understand it.
And I value it exceedingly when a selfish person consciously gives of their time and energy toward a cause. Because I think it means that they really care.
Oh well...I'm probably not making sense. Again.
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quote: I think everyone needs to hear praise sometimes. I have a firm belief that everyone needs one person who adores and admires them unconditionally. It certainly doesn't have to be constant, but it is incredibly important to have.
I totally agree! That's really insightful...
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Dragon: I came up with theory after my mom died. For most people, it's their mother, and I was worried about my baby brother. I was worried about the other ones, too, but they have their own resentments. Anyway, that's what I am to my baby brother. I don't write extraordinarily regularly, I don't take care of him financially, and I'm not his home, but I'm the one person that absolutely adores him and approves of him, and it's never going to change. And he knows it. If I've only ever done one good thing in my life so far, being that person for my baby brother is it.
[ January 15, 2004, 10:14 PM: Message edited by: Javert Hugo ]
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posted
So of those of you that want to admit you've been in therapy/counseling, how much do you think the therapy moves you either to selfishness or self-esteem? I guess I've had some that were good and some that were bad.
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posted
Well, if part of your treatment in therapy was to improve self-esteem, then let's hope that your self esteem improved.
Selfishness has a certain negative connotation to it. There's a difference between keeping yourself healthy and putting yourself above all others no matter what, and thinking you're the shit who deserves that treatment.
People DO need to think of themselves, to take care of themselves. Folks with low self esteem often put all other before them and run themselves into the ground taking care of everyone else. But unless you're healthy, you aren't helping others as much as you COULD be. Just as other people are important, YOU are important as well.
People with healthy self esteem DO still need positive feedback and support from their social network. These same people can also take criticism without completely losing faith in themselves. They have a sort of inner core of belief in oneself that gives them the self esteem and allows them to sail through life, rough waters or calm. Outside opinions count for some, but not all, of how they think they're worth.
Folks with low self esteem take all criticism to heart, and often interpret statement AS critical even when they aren't. Their self-worth is dependent entirely on outside opinions. They have no core of belief in self, or if they do, it is very, very small. Their ship is constantly embattled or dragged into a whirlpool of doubt and shame.
Folks with too MUCH self esteem (which I suppose would be the selfish of the negative connotation) don't care what anyone else thinks of them, because they believe entirely that they are the BEST. They want what they want and take what they want with wanton disregard to others. They think only of themselves. The epitome of selfishness is a two-year-old. However, for a two-year-old, this is age appropriate behavior as they're forming the concept of the self and really have a small worldview of THEM. But most two year olds finally get out of this incredibly selfish state. Some folks don't.
That's my take on it so far.
And my self esteem sucks Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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Also, is it normal for a five-year-old to have Extremely Good Self-Esteem? Really, he's not two anymore. I've told him that the world doesn't revolve around him, but he (figuratively) pats me on the head and (literally) tells me to get back into the kitchen and make him a sammich.
posted
It gets back to that mysterious balance between autonomy and empathy. I guess the concept of boundaries is really important, recognizing where one's legitimate control ends and where one's responsibility begins.
quote: Folks with low self esteem take all criticism to heart, and often interpret statement AS critical even when they aren't.
good thing no one at Hatrack has this problem. Not.
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I think it may be time to bump the "hail Jon Boy" thread. ![[Group Hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
, but I have a feeling that might be pushing things.
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good thing no one at Hatrack has this problem. Not.
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