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Cthulhu for President of Iraq! > > R'LYEH, S. Latitude 49° 51', W. Longitude 128° 34' > (EAP) - The George Bush > Junior administration has made it clear that they > will hand over sovereignty > in Iraq on their June 30 deadline, though at this > point they have no idea > who they will actually be handing over power to. > Fortunately, a candidate > has stepped forward to avert a dangerous power > vacuum. The Great Cthulhu, > high priest of the Elder Ones, has altruistically > offered to rule Iraq. > > A reporter was dispatched to Cthulhu's non-Euclidean > palace under the > Pacific Ocean, to ask him about his plans for the > troubled Mideast country. > Cthulhu ate the reporter. A subsequent interview was > hurriedly arranged > using Cthulhu's spokesman, Nyarlathotep, as an > intermediary. > > Q: How will Cthulhu arrange peace between the Sunnis > and Shiites? > > A: By eating them all. > > Q: What is Cthulhu's position on weapons of mass > destruction? > > A: Great Cthulhu scoffs at your petty human toys. He > lies dreaming, biding > his time until the return of the Elder Ones, when he > will unleash a crawling > chaos of unimaginable horror, and the cities of men > shall collapse into > miasmic loathsomeness. Then he will eat everyone. > > Q: Will Cthulhu maintain good relations with > America? > > A: Cthulhu loves Americans. They are plump, tender > and succulent. Not like > those lean, stringy Iraqis. > > Q: What constitutional arrangements will Cthulhu > make for Iraq? > > A: Iraq's constitution will be the Necronomicon, > that hellish tome by the > mad Arab Abdul Alhazred, which no man can read and > retain his sanity. > > Q: Um... isn't that a little sexist? Shouldn't it be > "no man or woman"? > > A: Whatever. Great Cthulhu is not sexist. He is an > equal-opportunity eater > of men and women. He loves to crack open their > flimsy skulls and suck out > their brains. Which means George Bush Junior is safe > for a while. > > Q: Will Cthulhu take a proactive, hands-on approach > to the day-to-day > running of Iraq? > > A: Great Cthulhu will amuse himself deep in his > noisome lair in the shadow > regions beyond time, listening to the eldritch, > monotonous whine of a > blasphemous flute played by hideously deformed > abominations. But his door > will always be open. He will be happy to receive > visitors, and listen > patiently to their petty human complaints. Then he > will eat them. > > Asked for comment, White House spokesman Scott > McClellan replied: "Cthulhu > may be a son of a bitch, but he's our son of a > bitch. I'm confident we can > work with him to spread peace and democracy through > the Middle East and > protect US interests. And if not, we'll just > axis-of-evil his ass." > >
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