posted
It appears that quite a few of you have been, at some point in your life, beaten mercilessly by The Obtuse Stick.
As an entirely altruistic act on my part, I shall set up a service wherein I also beat those who have been given the once over with The Obtuse Stick. Using an equal about of mercilessness, I shall beat you with The Subtlety Stick within an inch of your life, so help me God.
I do this because I'm caring, empathetic, and completely exasperated by all you stupid people not being able to catch on to even the most obvious parody and/or subtle joke.
As an added bonus, you don't even have to pay me. I do this out of the goodness of my heart.
Just remember: this is going to hurt you a lot more than it will hurt me.
Posts: 7600 | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
Everyone who posted angrily in Ralphie's LOTR thread should get a year's supply of free Subtlety Whacks.
Posts: 4292 | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
Wait, that's stupid. I tried making a Subtle Stick once, and it didn't work. I went around beating people all the time, and all it got me was a ride in a police car.
Why the hell are you lying, Toni? Those don't really exist.
And besides, when you do beat us, it's not because you're caring and empathetic. That's what daddy used to say. We're not dumb enough to fall for that one.
[edit: Apparently trying to play obtuse fails miserably. Though I understand why you'd have trouble understanding when I'm pretending.]
posted
Ralphie, I just want you to know that I've reported your post. It was insulting, condescending, and arrogant. Think of it as tough love. Honestly, I was very disappointed. It had been months since I had noticed one of your posts being so caustic and rude. I really thought you had turned over a new leaf.
posted
"I do this because I'm caring, empathetic, and completely exasperated by all you stupid people not being able to catch on to even the most obvious parody and/or subtle joke."
You remember when I explained to you WHY I used the " j/k" now?
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
I don't see the subtlety stick doing any good. I doubt I'd even notice if you hit me with it.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
I registered the name Sarcasm to try to remedy the problem, too. Unfortunately, it was too much of a pain to switch usernames all the time, and it still didn't work. And really, I'm just too sarcastic too much of the time. The effect would've worn off.
Posts: 9945 | Registered: Sep 2002
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posted
Yeah, I miss those days. But even then, it was a nuisance to sign in as Sarcasm every time I wanted to be sarcastic.
Posts: 9945 | Registered: Sep 2002
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posted
Tom - I'm trying to educate the masses by means of pain. Making the "j/k " disclaimer is caving. CAVING, I say!
Posts: 7600 | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
I think a good solution to your problem, Jon Boy, would be to use the Sarcasm name when you're actually being serious. That way, you only have to use it every now and then (since you're not serious most of the time), and it's a sarcastic use of the word sarcasm. How could you possibly top that? (except maybe using the word serious seriously)
And also, how come you never hear of people getting beaten with the pretty stick? Wouldn't that be the most miraculous/paradoxical beating you ever saw in your life? "Wow, she's so hot now, that must've really hurt."
posted
Oh. I guess I should've posted that one under the screename, "Creative Idea Man," then.
Yet still, merely getting "hit" with the pretty stick does not convey the brutality of a "beating." Upon further consideration, I think that my point stands.
(Or better yet, a beauty stick. Perhaps if you got beat with enough force, say, the force that, with a conventional stick, would induce internal bleeding, then you would get inner beauty.)
quote: And also, how come you never hear of people getting beaten with the pretty stick? Wouldn't that be the most miraculous/paradoxical beating you ever saw in your life? "Wow, she's so hot now, that must've really hurt."
d00d. I'm already in line.
Posts: 7600 | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
I don't get it. How can a stick be subtle? Its either a stick or it isn't. Its not like its a tree limb and suddenly you notice, hey, its not really connected to the tree. Its just a stick. I mean what does that have to...Ow! Why'd you hit me?
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
I think Ralphie needs to quit fishing for compliments when she clearly already knows that everyone here acknowledges and worships her hot-hottiness.
Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2003
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quote: How can hitting someone with a subtlety stick be subtle? Wouldnt you not feel the hit, with the stick being so subtle and all?
It is a mystery wrapped in a conundrum.
Young grasshopper: when your knees are bumpy with the texture of the ground, and your cheeks are pink with the righteous paddle of the esoteric joke then, too, shall you know all the secrets of the Subtlety Stick.
posted
How about the Staff of Indifference (...ifference...rence...ce...)?
It could be all like:
"Do what you want with me. I care not. For I am the Staff of Indifference (...ifference...rence...ce...). Lean me against the wall, twirl me above your head, decorate me with feathers and macaroni shells. I tell you, it doesn't matter! ...Hey, what're you-- wait, the Staff of Indifference is not a lever for moving big boulders. Oww! I don't bend this far! Halt! Desist! I am the Staff of Indiff--" *snap*.
"I killed it! I killed my sale!" (Tommy Boy)
Posts: 3056 | Registered: Jun 2001
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quote:I think a good solution to your problem, Jon Boy, would be to use the Sarcasm name when you're actually being serious. That way, you only have to use it every now and then (since you're not serious most of the time), and it's a sarcastic use of the word sarcasm. How could you possibly top that? (except maybe using the word serious seriously)
I'm afraid that then irony would become . . . um . . . not irony, and not irony would become irony. Then where would we be? Well, I'll tell you where. We'd be in a world pretty much just like this one.
Posts: 9945 | Registered: Sep 2002
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quote: I'm afraid that then irony would become . . . um . . . not irony, and not irony would become irony. Then where would we be? Well, I'll tell you where. We'd be in a world pretty much just like this one.
Either that or you'd start finding black flies in your chardonnay.
Posts: 4393 | Registered: Aug 2003
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