posted
I've been trying to get out and date more often, hoping by some miracle to make up all the experience I missed by not going to high-school. I think I've gotten over the fear of actually asking people out now, but now I get to deal with something else. My expectations seem to be WAY too high. As such, after the first date (Which always seems to be awesome no matter who I go with), I always expect things to go well. However, this leads to me become nervous (Because things never actually have gone well before), and not being able to be myself after the first date is over with. Aside from that, I have an almost paralyzing fear of calling people on the phone to just chat, and something tells me that's an important part of the dating experience. Anyway, has anyone else gone through this? Is it normal for me to be excessively nervous only AFTER the first date (I never get nervous before the first date anymore, because I'm fairly confident in my ability to have a good, fun first date. I just lose all the confidence I have after that date). So yeah. It's a real pain in the neck. Tips, comments, jokes at my expense, all welcome
[ March 07, 2005, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: Boris ]
Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
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Actually, just chatting on the phone has never been a big part of my relationships... interesting, that, I've never noticed that before. Hmm. But yeah, it's not essential. Second dates are, though!
I don't really know what to tell you... just relax! Breathe! You can do this! Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
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quote: Aside from that, I have an almost paralyzing fear of calling people on the phone to just chat, and something tells me that's an important part of the dating experience.
In early dating this is not really necessary. Call her on the phone, ask how she's doing and exchange a few plesantaries, and tell her you had a great time with her the other night and suggest your next date. If she says yes, thank her, confirm arrangements, and say goodbye. When you're actually in a relationship there will probably be more talking just to talk, but by then you should be more comfortable with her and it won't be so bad.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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Remember, 80% drop out after the first discussion. That's a pretty good guideline for the amount of first dates and first dates only that you'll have. Just keep going.
It means you have standards.
It could be worse. You could persuade yourself you're happy with the first person who seems interested in you.
Posts: 1163 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
I agree about the phone thing...while I like to chat on the phone, Jim hates it, so we hardly ever chat (we didn't even chat for very long when we were dating long distance).
As far as the nervousness goes, I would say, just remind yourself not to be obsessive about dating. IMHO too many people make dating the MOST IMPORTANT THING in their lives. To me, that level of importance isn't really justified until you're at the point of long-term commitment. It just tends to lead to a lot of ...drama.
Posts: 4077 | Registered: Jun 2003
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quote: Remember, 80% drop out after the first discussion. [Wink] That's a pretty good guideline for the amount of first dates and first dates only that you'll have. Just keep going.
So far, I've got about a 2-5% second date rate. Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
I'm sorry - that's what I meant. You'll go on seven or eight times more first dates than second dates. Wanting to see even 5% of them for the second date is actually about normal.
At least I hope so.
I mean, we can be friendly with almost anyone, and friends with most, but when it comes to someone that you want to see regularly and be even slightly beholden to, it's a much more complicated fit. That's okay. You just keep asking.
Oh, and follow the script for getting a second date that is written above.
Posts: 1163 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
Thanks for the advice. Though it may be a bit late for me to call her up for a second date. I've gone to visit with her and we chatted for a few minutes before she had to leave. I'll see her again on Wednesday, and I plan to ask her out again. I just need to get used to being myself on a second date.
Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Boris, could you do the sort of second date that involves hanging out and having a good time but a minimum of social awkwardness - a movie or play or game that you both want to see, perhaps? I never did the "dating" thing in that sense, in that both of the men I have been out with were my friends for a good few months first. My current significant other and I did a couple of things that could count as "dates" before we really became good friends, though neither of us saw them that way: he invited me round to his house for a curry night at which there were various others of his friends, but we ended up playing cards in his room while the others watched a film that we couldn't be bothered to see. The next day we went on a long walk around Oxford and had ice-cream en route. Our circle of friends referred to these as "NADs" - not-a-dates, which acronym I still like . Especially as the related verb is "to go nadding." Posts: 1550 | Registered: Jun 1999
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Raia, sadly not anymore. I was there for 4 years, starting in Sept 2000 and ending in July 2004 - 3 years as a student at the university and one year working for it. 4 fantastic years - anyone reading this and thinking about doing a year or semester abroad, Oxford is a really great place to go for this. Email if you want details.
posted
Psst... Amira, I'd love to, but the only address is the Oxford one, and it doesn't work... *runs away from thread, so as not to derail it further*
Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
Anyone got any other good date ideas, then? I was thinking I would ask her if she wants to learn a few dance moves (Waltz, Tango, maybe Foxtrot) and just have a dancing date. I think she'd enjoy that. Otherwise I was thinking about just writing up some random little things we could do, stick them in a bag, and take turns drawing activities.
Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Oh my goodness... Boris, I have experience this exact same thing!
I remember going on a date with the son of my parents friends. They were visiting our area. Our first date was awesome. Picturesque. We both wrote each other after that, and had little long-distant crushes on each other. Then he came back into town and we went on another date. I was nervous, I had high expectations to live up to our first date. I could not relax. I could not be myself. It was awkward, and I never heard from him after that.
Another guy in college that I had a big-time-lose-sleep-over-crush on. And I knew he was at least interested in me. (See my "Metamorphasis landmark for the story details.) We went out on a date. It was magical. But I wasn't *really* comfortable around him. Couldn't make things work. He lost interest too.
I have found I have to be comfortable with the guy in order for things to go well. Sometimes knowing that he is nervous too actually has given me confidence. I know I have issues. I know that I am insecure and down on myself. I am so glad to be happily married now.
Hang in there buddy. You see, this can happen to you time and time again, but you can *still* find someone with whom you are really comfortable with. Hand and glove thing. You don't have to put a "show" on for her. It can happen, but it will only happen when you aren't trying to "make" it happen. For people like you and I, good friends sometimes make the best lovers.
posted
Hmmmm. While both of your ideas are good, I would advise against them for a second date. They are things that could push her comfort level, and you don't want to do that yet. (For example, I hate having guys I'm interested in try to teach me things until I'm very comfortable with them. It just weirds me out. So if she's like me, if you offer to teach her dance moves, it might panic her a little, even if she likes you and would like to learn to dance with you at some future point.)
So I generally think the first three dates should be pretty innoculous. Dinner, movies, concerts... things that give you a chance to get to know each other, and talk, and have a low chance of making someone nervous. After that, if you feel pretty sure she's comfortable with you, you can start getting creative. Also, you're less likely to get nervous if you're not worrying about if she'll like what you have planned.
posted
I always figured that dating was supposed to be painful in order to encourage us to get married.
Posts: 1002 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
I agree with Eljay on the date that requires instruction. I've been married for years and still have problems trying to teach my wife something. I would suggest a picnic combined with some kite-flying. I had several kite flying dates and they were always a load of fun. Look for something fun that you both know how to do, or that you both don't know how to do. If you choose activities that keep the playing field level you'll be better off.
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posted
(It's probably kinda cold in ID for kite-flying and picnics. 'Cause otherwise a picnic was what I was going to suggest. )
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I love blowing bubbles! And yep, I've done that on dates and had a blast - acting like little children.
I'm also geek girl and loving doing things like museums, art galleries, planetariums, science exhibits, rose gardens. They provide a lot of opportunity to talk, plus if the conversation lulls, you have instant props to start the conversation back up again.
Whatever you do, make sure it's something that she's also interested in. For the record, I really liked your idea of putting ideas in a bag and drawing them until you find one that you both like. If you go with that, give her the chance to put some ideas in, too!
I also second the other responses that say that, even though dating can suck, you can still find someone to spend your life with. It happens all the time to all sorts of us who, quite frankly, suck at the whole dating scene.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
For our first date, I took my wife up to the mountains to a sphagnum bog hidden deep within the Gifford Pinchot National Forest. We took pictures of bog orchids and sundews, swatted mosquitos and got really cold and miserable.
Even so, she ended up marrying me. Probably because she has the worst first date story of any woman she's ever met.
Posts: 173 | Registered: Jun 2002
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posted
MoonRabbit, that sounds like a fabulous date, especially if you're both into photography and/or nature. I know I would have loved it!
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I would vote against the drawing things out of a bag thing. This early on, it is best to always seem like you always have a plan (even when you don't).
As I mentioned in a different dating thread...I think bowling is a good date for early on. You can have fun at it even if you suck...and you have a balance between having to make to much conversation, and being in a situation where you can't get to know someone. The same goes for Putt Putt golf.
For future dates, listen to the types of things she likes to do. Does she like a sport? If so, take her to a game. Even if it is something that you would not normally go to (ie: I once went to a gymnastics meet with a girl) just think of it as a way to get to know her better. Though, if you take her to something that you know nothing about...don't try to pretend that you are an expert, that is just asking for trouble.
As for being nervous, it is only natural. The transition from simply being people who liked each other enough to go on a date, to being people who want to go on multiple dates can make anyone nervous. Though, personally, I find the stage where you are between "dating" and being a "couple" is even worse.
Overall, I have found the best way to avoid being nervous is just to think of the girl as someone to have fun with. Don't worry about the whole relationship thing, just have a good time and let the relationship come naturally. Of course this is easier said than done, but I have found that this philosophy helped me deal with some of the annoying stuff the last girl I dated did. She can still annoy me when she tries be somewhere between friends and more than friends...but I can shrug it off easier.
Good luck on your dates!
Posts: 1901 | Registered: May 2004
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posted
I empathize with the difficulty of being yourself on the second date. I generally tell myself over and over whenever I'm tempted to be anything other than me: "Be yourself. What if he actually liked the fake you and stuck around and then later got to know the real you and hated it and left? It'd be better for him to just know the real me right now. That way he knows what he's getting into." This works for me, for whatever reason. Also, I've found that if I'm doing my part and trying to fend off being fake, yet I'm still having trouble, it's time to have confidence enough to say, it's not me, it's him. Something about him isn't right for me. Time to move on.
By the way, I think you deserve three huge cheers for getting out there as much as you are! I share confidence with everyone who has said that you will find something good in time.
Posts: 186 | Registered: Dec 2000
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Studies (to which I have no links, cause I don't even know if their actual studies) show that while married men live longer than single men, it's exactly the opposite for women.
This, of course, is likely spurious, but since I'm just playing anyway, I don't feel too bad about it. Posts: 4077 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Oh, I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty. I was partially joking around, and partly pointing out that in general men have an easier time in marriage than women.
Do mean, however, that you don't feel guilty that you're a man (which I heartily applaud), or that marriage is easier for men than for women?
Posts: 4077 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
I guess I can understand not feeling guilty about how things are in general, since it's not your fault in any way. Still, though, in all honesty I think marriage would be a lot easier on women if men helped out with house stuff more.
Now, I know, as soon as I say that, that many, dozens, maybe, of married men will pop up and say, "Hey, I help out around the house!" And I'm sure you do. But, most of my friends' husbands, my older male relatives, and my husband rarely help out, and when they do, it's only a half-hearted effort.
I hate cleaning, I really really do...but it's gotta be done, and it's easier with help.
Hmm. This has departed very, very far from the topic. And it got really rambly. Eh.
Posts: 4077 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
I hate cleaning, too. Really really hate it. Plus I have the excuse that I have a bad back. So yesterday, the cleaning lady came over, cleaned the whole house, did all the dishes, and cooked for us, too. There are some things I love about living in Sri Lanka. Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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That's a pretty good guideline for the amount of first dates and first dates only that you'll have. Just keep going.![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
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