posted
Warning: story exclusively about me follows, beware.
I’ve been in a bit of a funk for a week or so, not depressed or unhappy, I made up my mind a while ago to always be happy, and I pretty much always have been, but I have been feeling under the weather. I wrote it off to feeling sick, not getting enough sleep, and a lot of work. Anyways, after talking to Annie a day or two ago I came out of it and felt a lot better about everything.
So tonight when one of my roommates had a couple of rather … well annoying friends crash in on us I decided to take it in stride, so I rode my bike out to a place I like to go at night. I took a book, since there’s some light there, and my phone to call Annie. This place is pretty much surrounded by woods on three sides (it’s very nice, with benches and everything and I’m always the only person there). On the other side, about half a mile away is a giant … well basically it’s a little community that looks like a giant grouping of apartments.
I tried calling Annie but she wasn’t getting much reception so we decided she would call back. In the meantime, I sat down and read my book (Lost Boys) and was having a good time. Well all of a sudden, and this is where the actual story starts, someone screamed.
I could tell it came from the development, but that was a huge area, probably at least a square mile, maybe more. And I could tell it was not a “good” scream, something terrible was happening to the woman (I’m sure the voice was female) and I think the only word I heard was “HELP”. It sounds cheesy, but at the moment I could hear clearly the pain and fear in the voice, even if it was far away, and I didn’t know what to do.
I stood up and looked, but it was dark outside and a ways a way, not to mention obstructed by houses, I obviously didn’t see anything. And then… I just stood there. I thought about different ways I could get to the complex, I could bring my bike and try to find whoever this was faster, I could’ve done it. I could’ve brought my helmet and tried to use it as a weapon if that was the kind of danger she was in. But I didn’t, I just stood there and looked and was afraid.
It’s one of the advantages of being male I take full advantage off, I don’t worry about going out by myself in the dark to a secluded place, I don’t worry about what’s in the shadows, or whose there, I feel comfortable in a dark place by myself. But now, I was scared, all of a sudden there was something happening and all of a sudden I was living in a world where someone screamed out in the night and I was there to hear it. And I let the fear keep me from doing anything, I just stood there, afraid, and without any conviction as to what to do.
I stood there for a couple minutes and then took my bike a little closer, but couldn’t think of what to do and stopped. A few minutes later I heard a siren that stopped right as it got to about where the houses and apartments where.
I don’t want to make this some sort of “help Hobbes feel better” thread, I know that whatever I should’ve done, what I did was not it, and I feel really awful about it, but the point here is, in the future, what should I do? What should anyone do in such a situation?
As a follow up, I tried to read some more afterwards but I was too upset at myself, so I cruised around for a while. And then Annie called, which was nice (by the Annie, I’m sorry I sounded so bleak on the phone, I was really glad you called me, it helped a lot, I hope you forgive my tone) and I came back … and here I am.
posted
Don't be too hard on yourself Hobbes. We would all like to think that we can be brave when faced with physical danger. But most of us never face that type of situation and I wouldn't blame anyone for freezing up the first time they are faced with such a tough decision.
You said you had a telephone. Maybe you could've called the police?
posted
The question becomes, what are you willing to do?
Are you willing to hurt someone or be hurt, if that's the situation? And more to the point, what are you capable of in an emergency? Can you render first aid? Are you willing to become involved in a potentially messy situation?
The non-confrontation solutions include:
Carry a cellphone and call the police This is usually a good idea anyway, just in case of an emergency.
Carry a flashlight with you - I usually have a AA mini-maglite with me after dark. Amazingly useful for finding things and, if necessary, frightening away people who don't want to be seen.
I hate to be blunt about this, but you have to consider the worst case scenario and decide what you're willing to do before you can decide what you should do.
quote:"I don’t worry about going out by myself in the dark to a secluded place, I don’t worry about what’s in the shadows, or whose there, I feel comfortable in a dark place by myself."
We live in a dangerous world Hobbes. I admire your goodness and optimism, but I think it is best that you do not go out by yourself to these secluded places.
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posted
There was one thing you could have done. You could have called the police. But, since the police came, anyway, it's likely that someone else called the police. So it all worked out as best as it could.
Probably someone in the community/complex you were watching had heard of Kitty Genovese, and didn't want to be responsible for a repeat performance.
But, since your cell-phone reception wasn't that good anyway, your "call to the police" might not have even gone through. At which point, you should have ridden to a good reception point, or a pay phone, and made the call.
You also didn't do exactly what you shouldn't have done. You didn't try to get to the actual scene and try to help. That's a great way to get yourself beat up...or worse.
Short related story (about ME, of course): driving back from college with my girlfriend and a CB radio (yes, that's how old I am, in case you forgot), we saw one of the tires on the truck in front of us explode, peel off, and fling itself to the side of the road (almost as if it were designed to do just that). The lost wheel was part of a "duallie," and so the truck was not in danger of losing control or flipping.
We had been listening to the CB for the last few hours, and so had roughly figured out who was who. We knew the guy in the truck had been on the CB, and no one else was on the road at that time (probably too early in the morning, if I remember correctly). We called him on the CB, "We just saw your tire blow out. Are you OK? Can we help?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." the other driver said, "Thanks. By the way, why did you bother to radio me? What would you have done to help, anyway?"
Interesting point. What would we have done? What could we have done? Probably nothing. It was an odd feeling--wanting to help, feeling compassion for someone who might have needed help, but being (oh, I don't know...) rejected? Powerless?
Maybe there are times when you can't help. Maybe there are times when you cant help out the way you want to, or the way you feel you should.
BTW, that one incident didn't stop me from still helping people who I could help, including strangers. Still do it, on occasion. But I have found that I'm not especially eager to risk my own skin to do it.
Next time, call the police. That's about all you can do sometimes.
Interesting--you got about 4 similar posts all about 1:00 am Eastern. We've all got to go out and get a life!
posted
You know the more I think about it, the less I think I was afraid to do anything and the more I think I was just completely plauged by indesicion about what I should've done.
TMedina, I don't have any moral qualms about fighting someone, but I have no clue what I'd do should it come to that. I used to be first-aid certified, I didn't keep any of the certification up but I do have a vague idea of how to handle basic injuries.
I think mostly I'm dissapointed in myself because I feel I had a resposnibilty to someone that I didn't fulfil, and the consequences could've been so large. The fact that someone else took that responsibility (presumably) doesn't make my lack any better.
I think you're right, the phone was the way to go. Hmmm, I don't normally have a phone with me though, do most people? It seems like they do.
posted
Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you all but engaged to someone? You have to factor that into any decision you make as well.
As for carrying a cellphone - take your pick of cliches: "always be prepared," "it's better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it" and, of course, "I've fallen and I can't get up."
As for fighting - it's a skill like any other. Take lessons and hope you are never called on to use them in defense of yourself or someone else.
But if you're not willing to risk inflicting bodily injury on someone, crippling or even killing them, even if by accident, then don't waste your time. (Which is another rant, but that's neither here nor there.)
Good luck with your introspection and realize very few people ever make it this far.
quote:Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you all but engaged to someone? You have to factor that into any decision you make as well.
Yes I am, and yes, I always, always take this into account in everything I do. Seriously.
quote:As for carrying a cellphone - take your pick of cliches: "always be prepared," "it's better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it" and, of course, "I've fallen and I can't get up."
My problem is that I get everywhere by bike, and it's tough to make sure to have a cell phone with me. I just got mine about a month, maybe two ago, I'm not really used to it.
quote:As for fighting - it's a skill like any other. Take lessons and hope you are never called on to use them in defense of yourself or someone else.
I want to learn archery, I've been meaning to start a thread about that actually ... but I have to say, I have no desire to learn how to fight at all "man to man" as it were.
quote:But if you're not willing to risk inflicting bodily injury on someone, crippling or even killing them, even if by accident, then don't waste your time. (Which is another rant, but that's neither here nor there.)
I'll be honest, it's been many years since I hit someone in anger, I don't like doing it, but I have almost no doubt that if I ever comitted myself to a fight I wouldn't hold back (which is partially why I haven't hit anyone in anger in a long time).
posted
Look, Hobbes, unless you had Xray vision and superhearing to pinpoint the source, there ain't much more you coulda done about it. Course'n if you had Xray vision and superhearing, you coulda used your superspeed to outrun your bike, and your superstrength and invulnerablity to handle the situation.
Apparently this is the first time you've been in such a situation, and you think you froze. Wanna know what's gonna happen? It's gonna eat at ya. It's gonna gnaw at your sense of self, at whatcha want to think about yourself. So much so that inside yer gonna decide that whatever bad consequences might crop up from responding to a similar incident, it ain't gonna be half as bad as the gnawing that'll occur if you don't act.
And the thing about changes that happen from the inside -- the stuff that isn't comin' from the concious mind, that ain't vows and promises -- is that they change your reflexes. And when it happens again... Oh, you'll still feel that you froze, and you'll be scared spitless heading for the trouble. And ya know what? The folks around ya'll think that you took off faster than a hundred-metre runner off the blocks: time does slow down when you are experiencing such situations. While they are trying to figure out the what's happening, you'll already be heading for it. While they are following your footsteps, you'll be arriving on the scene. By the time they can help, you'll have already handled the problem, at least the main part.
Then one witness or another 'll mention bravery or some such nonsense. And you'll know that your actions didn't have anything to do with trying to be brave: that you were scared all the way until the actual rescue itself, when ya became too busy to be scared; that objectively you were just being stupid. And that you acted because being scared and stupid is still a helluva lot better than being gnawed at by the what you didn't do that your sense of self tells ya you should have done.
Welcome to the world of heroes, Hobbes. Cuz I'm sure you'll get there. Otherwise, the incident wouldn't have bothered you so much.
posted
I think when you hear a call for help, it is your responsibility to do something. Calling the police is an option, so is going over, but it is important to do something. If only one person hears a cry for help and they choose to do nothing what happens? nothing. Sometimes horrible things happen and many people hear the crys, but no on does anything because they assume someone else will. You have to assume no one else will.
Your actions are totally understandable. It is really hard to know what to do. I can't say that I wouldn't do the same thing. I just think that, in general, it is important to either do something yourself, or to pass it off to someone more qualified.
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posted
I'd have called the cops...but as the cops came anyway, not calling them did not have an impact. Rushing into the scene unarmed would have been rather foolish. If you had a gun, and knew for a fact that you would be fine with pulling the trigger...it would have been a risk, but it could have been an option. Armed with only a bike helmet, charging in would simply be asking for trouble.
Posts: 1901 | Registered: May 2004
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posted
You know, you learn about "diffusion of responsibility" in Social Psychology classes, and you tell yourself "If I'm ever in a situation like that, I'm stepping in!" But when you see it happen right before your eyes for the first time... something terrible happening, with dozens of people standing idly by waiting for the next guy to step in, it's a frightening thing. I've seen both happen: the apathy as well as the heroic. In fact just a month ago I stepped into a bar fight and became the hero, but my ill-fated liquid courage gave me two well-placed blows to the larynx. If I wasn't drunk at the time my doctor said I'd probably be hospitalized or dead. Thank God for relaxed muscles! But that first time, man, I'm telling you. Watching these big guys beat up two of my friends. My first inclination was to run to their aid, but as Steve said earlier, what could I have done? They were a full foot taller than me and their necks were thicker than my torso. I too felt powerless and shame for not doing anything except "Hey... stop that... please..." Dammit I felt like a p***y! My friends were cool about it (they got into fights like that all the time) but still, I couldn't shake the shame. But I'll tell you what. I never let anything like that happen to me ever again.
Maybe we're given those situations as freebies. In your case, the cops came right away. In my case, to my friends it was no big deal (and in fact later I found out they deserved it!) But these first times teach us to be prepared in the future.
Posts: 236 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Sometimes it’s very difficult to tell what would be the best action during a crisis. I agree with the previous posters saying that you will probably be better equipped to deal with the next one, just from thinking this one through.
Just to put things in perspective, have a look at thisPosts: 99 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Wait, Hobbes and Annie are engaged? I seem to have missed a thread!
edit: oh, right, a topic. You should have called the cops. Next time, you'll remember all us helpful people that told you that, and will. Or you'll have forgotten it, but will get to the first phone you use and call the cops from there.
[ October 03, 2004, 05:48 PM: Message edited by: the master ]
Posts: 157 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
No, you didn't miss a thread, we're not engaged, we're, and I quote ( ) "all but engaged".
I do tend to have my phone on me at night, since the main reason I got outside at night is to call Annie, I guess I'll try and keep that up. And I'm also going to get up the energy to start an Archery thread at some point...
posted
You know Hobbes while I agree that Happiness can be a choice, sometimes "choosing to be happy" is far more of a mental and physical drain than it is worth.
I grew up in a family where I wasn't allowed to be anything but happy and believe me it can take a huge internal toll on your system.
Basically since it is ingrained in me not allow myself to be sad for any length of time, all of my more negative emotions and stress manifest themselves in actual physical problems. Not necessarily where you want to end up. I'm getting better at realizing what the physical signals mean and looking inside myself to figure out what is wrong and what I need to deal with that I'm avoiding emotionally. But it has taken a very, very long time to get there.
Emotions are part of being human, don't shut yourself off from the not-so-nice ones. When you do, you cut yourself off from the rest of humanity.
posted
Hmmm, perhaps we just have very different approaches to "choosing happieness". The most common one used, in fact just about the only one I've ever seen used to simple self-denial. "I'm happy, I'm not sad, I smile, I like my life, ...". Which of course is incredibly draining and doesn't do anything but really make the person more miserable.
Whenever I start to feel angry, depressed, or some other form of "unhappy" I just have to figure out why and logically explain to myself why, in fact, I should be happy, and that the reasons to be unhappy are less than those going the other way. Keeps me going. Normally the trick is figuring out the reason in the first place, and then it's simple enough to hit that reason at it's core and either get rid of it or prove to yourself that however true it is, there are better reasons to be happy. And in my opinion, there always are.
quote:Emotions are part of being human, don't shut yourself off from the not-so-nice ones. When you do, you cut yourself off from the rest of humanity.
I've had this argument with a lot of people, and I have to say, I totally disagree. Once again, if you use the self-denial method, you're right, nothing but worse will result. But if you honestly don't feel those emotions I don't see how it makes one less human as a result. I think getting rid of "non-so-nice" emotions is part of the path to reaching perfection.
posted
Ok, I think we are actually on the same wavelength then. I just mean I'm happier knowing that I don't *have*to be happy all the time, than I was when I *had* to be, because it was expected. Does that make sense?
AJ
Except: I don't think cutting yourself off from "bad" emotions is a good thing. Jesus is documented as basically experiencing every emotion in the human experience, and most Scripture referencing God agrees that he has emotions that could be construed as "negative" by most of humanity. Otherwise he wouldn't get angry, be grieved and/or sorrowful.
posted
I think this is probably one of those situations where there really wasn't anything you should or could have done.
A lot of people have said you should have called the police. I seriously doubt this would have done any good in this case - "I just heard a scream from this development a mile away from me". Without further, specific information I don't think they would be able to take the time to go out and patrol the entire area to figure out who/where the scream came from. I'm glad someone else who had more specific information did call.
I know what you mean about choosing to be happy. I try to look for reasons to be happy, when I may not feel particularly happy.
I think on some level you realize that whatever you did, it is not what you would wish someone to do for you or heaven forbid Annie if something similar happened to you/her.
My dad was straightening a bumper in the backyard when I was 14 and I think I was the biggest, strongest child living at home at the time so it fell on me to go help him. So he's hammering on this steel bumper and I swear that between blows, I heard some woman in an adjoining yard asking for help. At one point I think she even said "I know you can hear me". I'd look up at my dad but he'd be looking down at his work. The pleading either stopped before we finished or I was too ashamed to tell my mom when I went into the house.
From then on I was mortally afraid of kidnappers and child molesters getting me or one of my siblings. I guess I felt I lived in a world where "decent" people like myself would not automatically render assistance.
It was years before I came to understand the dynamic of moral susceptibility that was operating in that situation, and which also prevented me from passing the information on to my mother. Or if I did and just don't remember, probably also made her afraid to interfere. Fortunately for myself ( at me) we only lived there a year and then moved back to Northern Virginia so I no longer had to live in fear that one of our close neighbors was a rapist.
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posted
I am often plauged by indecision as well, Hobbes. Don't beat yourself up about it, just think about it (as you have been doing) and decide in advance what you will do in a similar situation. That's what experience is for. The fact that your inaction bothers you so much speaks well of your character. Posts: 6316 | Registered: Jun 2003
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at me) we only lived there a year and then moved back to Northern Virginia so I no longer had to live in fear that one of our close neighbors was a rapist.
