quote: With over one hundred awards and first place trophies, Grossmont's Royal Blue Regiment Color Guard and Marching Band is one of, if not the best, musical groups of California. Every sweet, powerful, and inspiring melody played by the band is what moves the ladies in blue, the color guard, to dance with all their spirit, to move their flags across the air making it seem like they we're weaving colors with it. [quote Karla Slade & sam, guy with plastic riffle too] The marching band never failed to impress any crowd or judge with their musical skills.[include megan's quote here] For a good reason too, they had to endure rigorous This year they competed in various contests including the ever popular Mother Goose Parade. [quote Jordan & Andrew here] But that is just one face of the art of music. There were other talented musician groups on campus this year, including our very own string orchestra. This group consisted of Violinists Salomon Peck, Chelsea BLANK, Vianey Gpe. Gonzalez, Sheila BLANK, and Fruoiland(?) BLANK; Violists Sara BLANK, and Gabriela BLANK; celists Andrew BLANK and, Ashley Heikka; and finally, basses Zachary BLANK and Sam BLANK. They participated and attended numerous concerts and events this year including the traditional Christmas in the Village held every year in downtown La Mesa. [quote sal here] [quote that guitar player here, grab his name on the way] attend performance & describe his music.
I need to know if this text is good enough for the music page of our yearbook.
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quote: Every sweet, powerful, and inspiring melody played by the band is what moves the ladies in blue, the color guard, to dance with all their spirit, to move their flags across the air making it seem like they we're weaving colors with it.
"...making it seem like they were weaving colors," not, "we're weaving colors."
"...weaving colors with them," not "it" since the pronoun refers to the noun "flags." If "it" refers to "melody" the structure is not clear on that point.
The entire sentence is a bit convoluted, though I actually kind of like it. A more clear structure, retaining your sentiments, might be:
Every sweet, powerful, and inspiring melody played by the band moves the ladies in blue, the color guard, to dance with all their spirit, using their flags to weave colors in the air.
quote: For a good reason too, they had to endure rigorous This year they competed in various contests including the ever popular Mother Goose Parade.
First sentence is incomplete. Had to endure rigorous... rigorous what?
quote: They participated and attended numerous concerts and events this year including
I don't think you really need "this year" since the first sentence of the paragraph establishes the timeframe. Your choice, however.
All in all, it looks pretty good. Certainly better than some of the things I wrote for my yearbook, cripes, 16 years ago. Where's my Geritol?
posted
Couple of minor things I would change if it was me:
quote: With over one hundred awards and first place trophies, Grossmont's Royal Blue Regiment Color Guard and Marching Band is one of, if not the best, musical groups of California. Every sweet, powerful, and inspiring melody played by the band is what moves the ladies in blue, the color guard, to dance with all their spirit, to move their flags across the air to me, that uses the word "move" twice too close together. Can you change the second one to "wave"?
making it seem like they we're weaving colors with it. [quote Karla Slade & sam, guy with plastic riffle too] The marching band never failed to impress any crowd or judge with their musical skills.[include megan's quote here] For a good reason too, they had to endure rigorousDid you mean 'rigors' instead of the adjective "rigorous"?
This year they competed in various contests including the ever popular Mother Goose Parade. [quote Jordan & Andrew here] But that is just one face of the art of music. There were other talented musician groups on campus this year, including our very own string orchestra. This group consisted of Violinists Salomon Peck, Chelsea BLANK, Vianey Gpe. Gonzalez, Sheila BLANK, and Fruoiland(?) BLANK; Violists Sara BLANK, and Gabriela BLANK; celists Andrew BLANK and, Ashley Heikka; and finally, basses Zachary BLANK and Sam BLANK. They participated and attended numerous concerts and events this year including the traditional Christmas in the Village held every year in downtown La Mesa. [quote sal here] [quote that guitar player here, grab his name on the way] attend performance & describe his music.
posted
The Chicago Manual of Style makes a clear and compelling case in defense of beginning a sentence with a conjunction such as "but." Section 5.191 in the 15th edition. Here's the Q&A from their website:
quote: Q. Please help resolve a debate: Is it proper (or good) academic form to begin a sentence with a conjunction: “And I believe that is true.” “But editors differ on this rule.” “Nor is this uncommon.” I say it is improper in academic writing that is heading for publication, while others with journalism training say that it is correct. We are editors for an academic law review.
A. The fifteenth edition of CMS includes Bryan Garner’s opinion that there is “no historical or grammatical foundation” for considering sentences that begin with a conjunction such as and, but, or so to be in error (see paragraph 5.191). Fowler’s agrees (3rd ed., s.v. “and”), citing examples in the OED that date back to the ninth century and include Shakespeare. The conjunctions or and nor can be added to the list. None of this means that it is not possible to abuse the privilege. Sentences should begin with a conjunction only when the result is perfectly clear and more effective than some other alternative. What about academic writing, then? Good academic writing is of course difficult to produce, and there is no guarantee that allowing sentence-starting conjunctions improves matters. But the alternative—enforcing a baseless restriction—probably doesn’t help.
quote:...to move their flags across the air making it seem like they we're weaving colors with it.
I had the same problems with this sentence that have already been discussed. In addition, I question the use of "across"--since air is something that isn't typically perceived as being a plane, it seems like "through" would be a better choice.
quote:The marching band never failed to impress any crowd or judge with their musical skills.[include megan's quote here] For a good reason too, they had to endure rigorous
With the end of this sentence missing it's hard to tell, but how are you wanting to use the phrase "For a good reason too"? Are you meaning that they never failed to impress, for good reason, or are you meaning that it was for a good reason that they had to endure rigorous X? If it's the former, the sentence structure is messed up. You might want to say something more like
quote:The marching band never failed to impress any crowd or judge with their musical skills, and for good reason;they had to endure rigorous training sessions that often compormised their ability to perform in the classroom.
Or something like that.
The bit about being in the band taking away from their academic performance is just tongue in cheek, by the way--hope it wasn't taken as anything serious. I was just completing the sentence for the sake of the example, and saw the opportunity to make a joke.
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