posted
I've been brooding over this since Sunday. Boy Opera missed almost an entire week of school due to the flu. Normally, when he visits his bio. dad every 2 weeks he doesn't have homework. This last weekend he had *tons* of make-up work to do. I sent it with him, and told my ex that Boy Opera needed to have half of the work completed by the time he came home on Sunday. I also told ex that he needed to check Boy Opera's work as I would not have time to.
So, Sunday rolls around and it appears that almost half the work is done. Fine, I won't argue over percentages. That evening, as we were getting ready for school the next day, I glanced at the work Boy Opera had done with my ex. I ended up having to go through every stinking sheet and have him correct things. An example - a math problem read: If you have the numbers 1,748, and 1,798, what place tells you which number is larger? I noticed that Boy Opera had circled "tens," the correct answer. However, his dad made him erase it and circle "thousands." Why? Because, according to his dad, since there was a comma after the second number that meant thousands was correct. What the heck? The comma is there for grammatical purposes. Other gems included having Boy Opera capitalize the word "sun" on a grammer worksheet.
As a result of this, we spent Sunday evening (when Boy Opera should have been making more progress on the make-up work) correcting the mistakes of a 33 year-old man who obviously isn't capable of checking fourth grade work. So now Boy Opera is still behind in his make-up work.
So, am I a total jerk if I ask the ex to have someone other than himself check Boy Opera's homework the next time he has to bring some? I don't want to be rude, but I find the situation ridiculous. Boy Opera spends over 2 hours a night on homework anyway, and now his own dad has created more work for him for the last few nights.
posted
Honestly, I'd just tell him not to bother checking it, since it won't be finished yet, and that you'll go over it all at once when he's back home and finished. I think asking him to have someone else check it is just begging for a fight, and while it would be nice if someone other than you could check the stuff he does while he's there, if it's going to cause more work for Boy Opera I think it would be better just to wait and do it yourself.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I don't think there is a comfortable way to ask your ex that without having him take offense in some fashion or form - although I don't know your ex, this is my guess.
You might try suggesting gently to Boy Opera that he could ask another adult besides his dad to look his work over.
Odds are bio dad won't even notice the shift in questions.
posted
Not to mention Boy Opera is probably confused now. Poor guy…. Sounds like Ex-Opera wasn’t really paying attention and just trying to get the job done.
Posts: 2845 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
So you think that your husband hangs out with anyone who knows more about the particular weird exercises they do in elementary math than himself? I have a hard time figuring out that stuff sometimes.
Just a funny aside: Some of my daughter's homework is from the A.D.D. series. I forget what it stands for. Something about addition and daily. P.S. ex-opera... good one.
posted
I agree with ElJay, tell him not to check it. That way, when you check it and make corrections you're not having to undo instruction your ex has already given. Little more work for you but it will help keep the peace, which is important for Boy Opera's sake.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
Since it seems to be such a rare occurrence, I would just plan on checking the homework the next time this happens and not mention it to the ex.
It seems like a difficult position. You can't let him go to school with the work incorrect, yet it sucks to have to explain to Boy Opera that his dad made so many mistakes on 4th grade level homework.
Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
Boy Opera might not even realize the implications of that observation, but as Eljay has already noted - best to avoid any possible confrontation and let sleeping dogs lie.
posted
You guys are probably right - I'll just check it myself next time. I really don't want to start a fight, and as several people have observed, having to go through and make Boy Opera change answers that his dad told him were right is just confusing.
I'm just very frustrated with the kids' bio. dad in general. He teaches the kids (by example) a lot of lessons that are harmful, but I feel like my hands are tied on saying anything. But then by not saying anything, I worry that I'm condoning actions their father does that I don't agree with. The sad truth is that if he were a babysitter, I would not consider him fit to watch my children because of the lifestyle he chooses to lead. But he's their dad, and I know that they love him.
posted
At some point the kids will be old enough to notice on their own that their father is doing things you’ve taught them are wrong. You’ll need to figure out how to respond to “but Dad does ___.” Until then, though, I think you should just teach them what you believe is right without directly mentioning their father’s behavior.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
Tough call on that one - you might want to ask parents how they explain the "smoking is bad, so don't do it but ignore the fact that I do" concept to their kids.
It might be helpful in addressing these behaviors you feel strongly about.
posted
Hang in there, SO -- I have had to go through many of the same struggles with my ex as you describe here -- but I just kept my mouth shut and as my kids became teenagers they figured it all out on their own, without me saying negative things about him. And it is better if they figure out what parts of his example are wrong in their own mind -- because if you try to point it out, then they feel the need to defend their dad, which is perfectly understandable...
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Rivka and Farmgirl, have your kids ever asked you why their dad does a certain thing that doesn't correspond with what you've taught them about right and wrong? What did you say?
I have been taking dkw's excellant advice. (isn't she gonna be a good mom?) We (Mr. Opera and I) don't say anything negative about my ex. Sometimes it's sooo hard though. Boy Opera recently told me that his daddy used to have needles so that "he can give us shots if we ever need them." Their dad has used drugs in the past, so of course my mind went straight to the assumption that they were likely drugs. Instead of shouting, "Holy crap! You're dad is probably into some heavy stuff on his time off!" I had to say, "Parents don't keep needles around to give their kids shots with. Doctors give shots. Don't *ever* let your dad give you a shot, and tell me if you ever see needles there again."
Ok, I have (thank God) not had to deal with anything like drug paraphernalia. Mostly it's things he does different, or lets them get away with, etc.
I use it as an opportunity to teach the notion that different people have different rules (they already know that there are sometimes different rules at different people's houses, so this is an extension of that). Few of the things that have come up have been safety issues, though.
When they are, I try to deal with my ex directly (not in the kids' earshot) on those. And sometimes I'm not entirely thrilled with the compromise reached . . . but he is their father, and I think it is really important for them to have the opportunity to have a relationship with him.
How good that relationship is I mostly leave up to him.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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As for your ex, I agree that you should not confront him on it. How sad and humiliating it is for parents who cannot help their kids. (and there are lots.)
For example, me. My kids do a program called Everday Math, which took a while to figure out, and I teach math! Once you figure out the system, it is fine and pretty cool.
Anyway, I feel for you. Another strategy would be(and I have used this before) to have him tell the teacher that he still does not understand the work. Homework should be practice, not a time to learn, and if it is consistently too hard, the teacher should know.
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
My ex also lives a lifestyle that's inconsistent with what we taught and I'm still teaching our children. Many times over the past few years I've had to answer questions about "why does daddy..." or "why can't daddy... (church duties etc).
It's very hard sometimes not to let fly, and to my shame, I have said some things I regret from time to time.
My children are old enough now (14-24) that I basically tell them that those are questions they should be asking their dad because I really don't know all that much about his life anymore.
They're smart, and they know that it's his problem and not about them (or me) at all. It's still painful for them, because they still love him warts and all. Posts: 2069 | Registered: May 2001
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posted
Oh yes! I use the "that's really a question you need to ask your dad" on a regular basis too.
And really, if it's a question that's between him and one of the kids, he really IS the one who should be answering it, neh? Similarly, while I will sympathize ("that must have been tough") if they complain about stuff he does, I mostly tell them that if they have issues with him, they need to tell him.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
That reminds me of something, actually. Opera, have you read the Sandcastles book? I found it had very useful and insightful advice on a number of issues, including walking the line between discouraging your kids from being open and avoiding encouraging them to tattle on the other parent.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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While my ex chose to actively use drugs, I actively chose to NOT allow visitation for health and safety reasons.
When he cleaned up his act, and continued making progress towards a lifestyle that better assured a healthy and safe environment for my wee one, I began allowing visitation again. We started small and have gradually increased over time.
To me, health and safety is a non-negotiable item.
Homework is another story. First off, recovering persons frequently have a few fried brain cells. Secondly, they often started young and so missed quite a few years of schooling themselves. This can make helping Junior-or Junior-ette very difficult, humiliating even -
Then you add into the equation different ways of approaching life altogether, and suddenly the ability to let go becomes of paramount importance.
Sigh -
I, too, have said things I wish I had not - but, you know what - we are all on a learning curve. I try to spend time focusing on the blessings and benefits of having this man be an active parent in Nathan's life, and honor the love between them, as best I can.
It ain't always easy.
Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
Heehee, Bob - he actually does owe back child support in the thousands!
rivka, that books looks very helpful. I'll check for it at the bookshop next time I'm there.
It makes me feel better to know that other parents have dealt with this. Shan, the kids for about a year were not allowed to spend the night at his house (ordered by the court at my request), so I know what you mean about starting small and building up to more time. And I really know what you mean about the brain cells! My ex has a terrible memory, and this has caused many misunderstandings between us because he has forgotten coversations we've had. I never made the connection till my sister said, "Duh. Memory loss is one of the major damages from drug use."
posted
Opera, it's usually possible to find Sandcastles online (used) for about half the list price. Even with shipping costs, it's well worth it.
quote: And I really know what you mean about the brain cells! My ex has a terrible memory, and this has caused many misunderstandings between us because he has forgotten conversations we've had. I never made the connection till my sister said, "Duh. Memory loss is one of the major damages from drug use."
So what's my ex's excuse? Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Hang in there, SO - it all seems to get better on a slow upward trend - I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003
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I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
