posted
Hmm... interesting concept. I think a lot of the rhymes come across as forced. (Cannon, Shannon, cola, Lola)
Posts: 8504 | Registered: Aug 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
It's interesting, at least. Annie's right about the rhymes seeming forced, and the rythym isn't very regular. I'd have to hear the tune, too; do you write the words first, the music first, or both at once?
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
I only wrote words. I sing it to a tune, but I can't write the music. I don't play guitar. The rhymes were meant to seemed forced; its supposed to be funny.
Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Hmm... I find in art critiques (and this applies to literature as well), when someone responds to a criticism with "it's supposed to be that way," it means they can't or haven't tried to do it any other way. Try some other options - mess around with more strict meter and more oblique rhymes. After you've done a couple drafts and revisions, read through them and let others read through them and see if your original approach is still the best solution to what you're trying to get across.
If it's supposed to be funny, we as your audience should be able to read it as funny on the first try. We're reading it as forced, so a little tweaking would probably be a good idea.
Posts: 8504 | Registered: Aug 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
I almost wrote another song. It was going to be about a guy who gets dumped by two women that have the same first name, Alex. Because it just happened to me recently and the idea was running around in my head, waving its arms, screaming, " Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!"
Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2004
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
