posted
I'm not sure why I'm posting this, but I was just flipping through my "Book of Insults" and it occured to me that this is a lost art.
You never hear someone say "cut your hair, you look like a chrysanthemum" (P. G. Wodehouse) anymore. No political junkies ever come up with very witty repostes, and the art of cursing someone has degenerated into a myriad of hand gestures and 8 or 9 words...
So, as a gesture of respect and mourning for this dying art, I feel it necessary to insult no one imparticular with my favorite jibes, insults and curses:
May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine, blind, illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of damnation that the Lord himself cannot find you with a telescope.
May your left ear wither and fall into your right pocket.
A critic's symbol should be the tumble-bug; he deposits his egg in someone else's dung, otherwise, he could not hatch it.
His imagination resembles the wings of an ostrich, it enables him to run, but not soar.
Sir, you have but two topics, yourself and me, I am sick of both.
"if my husband were to ever meet a woman on the street like the women in his paintings, he would fall over dead faint" -Mrs. Pablo Picasso
I don't even know what street Canada is on.
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it. -Mark Twain
And now that I've left you with that, I'm going to bed. All of these are quotes, but I can't remember who said all of them...oh well.
Posts: 681 | Registered: Feb 2004
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----- (That's the literal translation from plaut Deutsche, as spoken by Mennonites. If you can't figure out what they're referring to, well, I'll give you three guesses.)
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I think my favorites are from Dr. Cox, in Scrubs. Here's one I particularly like:
"I'm gonna break you down into so many little pieces that my grandmother, who can do a thousand piece puzzle of clear blue sky in less than an hour will never be able to finish putting you back together again, even if she does go back in time to when her vision was perfect."
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
יומם השמש יככה וירח בלילה (based on Psalms 121:6, unless you Septuagint readers changed the entire division system): May the sun hit you during the day, and the moon [make you sickened] during the night.
Posts: 2978 | Registered: Oct 2004
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quote:Nurse Carla Espinosa: You can deny you like her all you want. But, I know for a fact, that every time you guys are done "playing racquetball" or "having a conversation" or whatever it is you crazy kids are calling it, you like nothing more than to just lie next to Jordan and watch her sleep. Dr. Cox: It would be impossible for me to lie next to Jordan. She sleeps hanging from a ramp in the ceiling, wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings.
quote:Dr.Cox: They hate you Bob. They hate from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you. By God, they hate you good.
Okay, one more, then I swear I'm done.
quote:Dr. Elliot Reed: Oh, Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown? Dr. Perry Cox: No, Barbie, no... it makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively *to* clowns.
posted
The weirdest one I know has a visual component. It goes something like this:
" your momma has a mouth on the back of her neck and chews like this..." *mimes looking up and down quickly 2 or 3 times as if chewing with a mouth on the back of the neck*.
Posts: 3354 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Another of my favorites from the first season:
"Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage, and from what I've heard, it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand. But for now, believe me when I tell you I wouldn't care if this was the first time you ever met your daddy. Because, in reality... well, he could have done a much, much worse job."
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I lied - here's another one. This is one of the very best. I've been tempted to memorize it and use it someday, but I'm not willing to be quite this much of a jerk.
quote:Dr.Cox: I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Lemme see, uhh.... Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host! Everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything, everything that exists, past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions....Oh! And Hugh Jackman JD:(IN HEAD) Hugh Jackman's Wolverine! How dare he!
Now, this one I would love to use:
quote:Look! I know you and I have never really "connected." Maybe that's because you are relentlessly annoying or maybe it's my fault because I can't tolerate relentlessly annoying people. I don't know!
quote:Kelso:Dr. Cox, did you get my memo stating that residents should wear their lab coats at all times? Dr.Cox : Yes I did. At first I just threw it away, but then I thought, that's not grand enough a gesture; so I made a model of you out of straw, put my lab coat on it - with your memo in the pocket - and invited the neighborhood kids to set fire to it and beat it with sticks.
quote:JD: Your ex-wife, she's the answer. Cox: Umm, things that ruined my life, things that took half my money, things with sharp edges!
posted
The "Latin insults and curses" class was always very popular at JCL gatherings when I was in high school...
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
"I'd rather have a hydrochloric acid facial! I'd rather have a hive of wasps nest in my throat! I'd rather sit through a junior high production of Cats!"
~Lorne, in "Angel"
Posts: 1158 | Registered: Feb 2004
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"All women become like their mothers, that is their curse; no man does, that's his." - Oscar Wilde
Dentist: a kind of prestidigitator who, by putting metal into your mouth, pulls money out of your pocket.
A heckler in an audience during Teddy Roosevelt's presidential campain was reported to have said:
Heckler: I am a Democrat sir! Teddy: Why are you a Democrat? Heckler: My grandfather was a Democrat and my father was a Democrat, so I am a Democrat! Teddy: Suppose that your grandfather had been a jackass, and your father had been a jackass, what would that make you? Heckler (without missing a beat): A Republican!
Posts: 681 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
Female Heckler: If you were my husband I would poison your tea! Winston Chirchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!
From One More Minuate by Weird Al 'Cause I'd rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face Than spend one more minute with you
'Cause I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass Than spend one more minute with you
I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches Shove an icepick under a toenail or two I'd rather clean all the bathroom in Grand Central Station with my tongue Than spend one more minute with you
Yes, I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks Or stick my nostrils together with crazy glue I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades Than spend one more minute with you
I'd rather rip my heart out of my ribcage with my bare hands and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it 'till I die Than spend one more minute with you
Posts: 6683 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
By being here, sir, you are depriving one poor village of their idiot.
(From an old highschool friend to a school nurse who diagnosed her feinting spells as a need to get glasses) I hate you, I hate you, I hate you more than I hate you.
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