posted
I'm going to do my best to make this short.
My husband is planning on going somewhere this weekend and I don't want him to go. He asked me what I thought before he made his plans and I said "I won't forbid you to go, you decide whether to go or not, but know where I stand when you make the decision - I do not approve of you going." I wanted to be honest and up front, and I knew he was conflicted about going. He sought advice from others and finally decided that he was obligated to go and that obligation outweighed my objection.
Okay. You know, I'm not happy about it, but I understand why he feels he has to go and so while I'm not happy about it, I'm not giving him a hard time or anything. I'm trying to be mature and be a supportive wife.
Now, here come the other situation. My daughter Emily, the eight year old, loves NASCAR. I know, I know - don't ask me where she gets it (actually I know - from my mother) because neither hubby nor I like racing nor do we watch racing but my mother does, and Emily started watching it with her and she loves it.
My Mom was able to procure tickets to go to qualifying on Friday - she actually has tickets for all the events but Emily can't go to the race because the tickets she has are for hospitality suites and they serve alcohol. She can take Emily to qualifying because the sponsor that gave her the tickets was a soft drink company, no alcohol in the suite.
There are only three tickets. We can't take the whole family. Emily and my mom are the only ones who care about NASCAR anyway, so the plan was to take Emily only. Well, you parents know, that it doesn't matter if the other kids care about what the one kid is doing or not, what matters is "She got to go somewhere special by herself and I didn't get to."
You wondering where the problem is? I'm getting there. Mom has asked me to go with her. To do that, though, it means hubby would have to leave work early and come home and watch the other three kids. The oldest one is no problem - she thinks NASCAR is stupid and wouldn't go if we gave her the opportunity. But the five year olds are gonna whine because they didn't get to go. I said that if he came home it would mean leaving work early and he's going to have to make that up at a later date, so I'll just stay home and not go. Plus the kids are gonna be upset and if I go then it might even be worse.
So he gets the idea that I'm mad because he's leaving this weekend and that I'm being obstinate and trying to make him feel bad. I said "No, I don't approve of you going this weekend, but I accept it." Then he got mad because he said that once the decision was made, I should support it and no longer disapprove. I said nope, sorry you can't make me approve of something I don't approve of, I won't tell you not to go but at the same time - not gonna lie and say I'm happy about it if I'm not.
So - everyone is in an uproar. Mom thinks I should go to the race. Hubby thinks my refusing to go is to punish him, and me - well I'm worried about the other two kids and not sure going is a good idea anyway. But now Moms' saying she doesn't want to drive to Talladega by herself and if I don't want to go then she'll just lie and tell Emily she coulnd't get tickets.
Everybody seems to be upset and I feel like I'm in the middle and don't know what I did wrong.
And I know you guys can't really solve this for me, I'm typing this for its cathartic value more than anything else.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
Is there something fun in Talladega that you could do with the other three kids? That way your mom doesn't have to drive by herself, Wes doesn't need to come home early, and the other kids get a special trip too.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
I don't have children...but I am married, so maybe that makes me halfway qualified to offer my opinion... and hey, I used to BE a kid...
I would say go. Your husband seems willing to come home and watch the kids. I know that Nascar doesn't thrill you very much, but the outing with your mom and daughter will probably be a lot of fun.
As for the other kids being jealous, they'll get over it. There will be times when they do special things that the others don't do, too. I bet your hubby can handle it. Besides, maybe he can do something special like order pizza with the kids and have a movie night.
As for your hubby thinking you're not going out of spite... well, don't you just love it when someone decides they know what you're thinking? Okay... I don't love it either. I hate it. It happens to me, too, and I just clarify what I'm REALLY thinking. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't... sometimes I don't know.
posted
You could always trade. Tell your husband to take off work to go to the NASCAR thing, and volunteer to go to the place you don't want him to go to. Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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You and your husband communicte well with each other Belle--can you take care of that particular end of the program by getting a moment alone with him to sit down and talk with him about it? Ask him to put his anger over your disagreement aside for a moment (and put your own anger over it aside as well) while you talk about this other thing?
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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Besides the racetrack, there's nothing in Talladega.
Mom's suggestion was tell him to take the other kids somewhere fun, like for ice cream and to rent a movie. That sounds promising.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
Can someone other than hubby watch the kids? Maybe a nice babysitter. And the other kids can have some sort of other treat with the sitter -- like they can go to the video store and pick movies and you can buy sundae fixings and they can have a make-your-own sundae night.
(edit--I posted too slowly.)
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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I wish _I_ could order a pizza. Alas, the hubby will probably want "real" food. (No, that doesn't mean I will have to cook it... he cooks about half the time or so.) I imagine the kids would love to have a pizza...if you don't have it often. There's something magical about having hot, fresh, yummy pizza delivered to the house.
Posts: 2880 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
Yeah, he can order pizza - actually he can order pizza really cheap - the local pizza place gives firefighters 50% off.
Katarain, you are so right. I mean, sure, there have been times he's accused me of being petty and he's been correct, but this time he's wrong. I really didn't say I'd stay home in order to play the martyr or try to make him look bad.
And Tom, trust me, me going to the other place is so not an option. For one thing, he's been asked to volunteer his time doing construction work I'm incapable of doing and for another, well, if I went and did it I'd probably say or do something that got me thrown in jail.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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I'm not sure why you don't want to go. If it is for his sake, he sounds willing to take the consequences.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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Well, go and prove him wrong. You only said you wouldn't go to prevent him any difficulties (getting off work early and watching the kids when they might be ornery)...and since he obviously isn't worried about those things, you have no reason not to go anymore.
Really. Go and have fun. The rest of your family will manage fine without you--but only for the day/evening. Posts: 2880 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
kat, the only reason I don't want to go to the qualifying is because I think it will upset the other kids even more if I go. I think I can defuse the situation, and do things with them to help offset it, and I can probably do that better than my husband, it's just a fact that I deal with those types of situation with the kids more often than he does and I have more patience for it.
Plus, I'm just not that excited about watching qualifying, I mean a race would be bad enough, but in qualifying there's only one car on the track at a time. Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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Go. The kids' other parent can handle it and Emily is already excited. It seems harsh to deny her this now and put your mother in the position of being the untrustworthy grandma. You can take a book to the event.
I went to a Tool concert with my brother once. Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
I'd go, and then have Dad or the babysitter (great idea Tante) take the remaining kids somewhere special. The zoo, the movies, pizza, arcade, wherever. That way everybody has something special and no one's jealous.
I do think it's not very cool of your mom to try to coerce you into going, knowing it'll make your husband take off work. If she doesn't want to be alone with her granddaughter I have to say that doesn't exactly put her up for "Grandmother of the Year."
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Oh, trust me... when I visit the inlaws and they have racing on or are talking about racing... ugh... I'm SOOO not interested in it. Luckily, nobody there is ever glued to the TV (well, mostly), and my husband isn't into racing either.
I just say go because I would hate for your mother to cancel the trip. That would mean that Em misses out on a special trip ultimately because her siblings were jealous of her going. And that's really sad... ya know? If someone else can be found to go with her, then that'd be great.
While I have no doubt that you can diffuse the situation more deftly than anyone else and have more patience while doing it, maybe you should let your husband have a try anyway. It might not be perfect, but it'd probably be good for him. And for your kids. (Not to say that there's never Kid-Daddy bonding time, of course! But more is always good.) And if you can help spin it that it's a special evening with just Dad, then maybe the kids will start out in a good mood...and all he'll have to do is keep everybody happy, rather than make everybody happy... know what I mean? So he might not deal with it as often...but that doesn't mean he can't get good at it, too.
But yeah... I sympathize with having to watch a qualifying.. maybe you can bring some crafts or a good book along.
Edit: ... I got confused and thought Kat was me again. But what I said stays the same anyway.. Posts: 2880 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
I tried to keep you guys separate by calling you Katarain. Sorry bout that.
At any rate - all is settled.
He called me, said he had been doing some thinking and praying and had called our pastor and discussed the situation about him going to the place this weekend I didn't want him to and decided that going was the wrong thing to do. He gave me the reasons why, and "It will upset my wife" wasn't the only one, so I'm cool. He actually saw some of the reasons not to go that I did and came to the realization that he should not go.
As for the qualifying - he is going to come home and take the kids to a movie and for ice cream afterwards and I'm going with my Mom and Emily. Mom said not to worry, there are lots of people there who aren't just in to NASCAR but the hospitality suites always have good food and a bunch of neat people to meet and socialize with and that I'll have fun.
So all is settled. Thank you Hatrack for your wisdom and your sympathy with my situation.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
Don't be sorry. Kat and me agreed long ago that she's Kat and I'm anything from Kata to Katarain, and much to my chagrin, Katarin (I don't know why so many people drop the last a..)
I just forgot, as I'm called Kat in many other places... what added to the confusion is that both of us had similar advice! Posts: 2880 | Registered: Jun 2004
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And I realized that you guys are right - I shouldn't act as if I'm the only parent that can handle certain situations, he is their father and he can take care of things too. He might not do it in the exact same way I would, but that doesn't mean my way is necessarily better. Plus, they don't get to do things with just Daddy very often, so it will be good for the kids and for him. IN fact, I don't doubt that Emily might even give a little "Oh man, I didn't get to go to a movie with Daddy" comment too. Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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Belle: I bet I'll have to remind myself of that a lot when I have kids.
Although, we'll probably have a whole set of other interesting dillemas, as we both want to stay home with the kids...which means finding work at home jobs. He'll probably do computer work, and he tells me to become a famous author so I'll make lots of money. I try to explain to him that that's easier said than done..and most authors don't make that much anyway...but he's way too optimistic.. Posts: 2880 | Registered: Jun 2004
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quote:He gave me the reasons why, and "It will upset my wife" wasn't the only one, so I'm cool.
Belle, it would be okay if that were the only reason, IMO. Sure, it could be a sign that he's seriously whipped. But more likely in this case, it would show the depth of his love for you.
Even so, the fact that he called your pastor to discuss it more fully really shows what a great husband you have. You're really blessed. Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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