posted
As some of you know, I'm a collage freshman at Bowling Green. My problem is that I have an extremely introverted personality and it's very hard for me to reach out to people and make friends. I'm sure many people interpret me as not wanting to be talked to or not wanting to be involved, which is definitely not true. I realize that one obvious answer would be to try to get involved, but even at that it's still difficult for me. I'm wondering if any of you have been in this situation before and if so, how do you go about turning yourself around? Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated. Adios.
Posts: 106 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I'm a fan of going cold turkey for this kind of thing.
Get a sandwich board. Write on it something like "Ask me why I'm wearing this sign." And walk around campus, explaining to people who ask that you're wearing the sign to help you learn to be more comfortable around strangers.
Or you could cut your hair shorter, dye it, and pierce something. Believe it or not, this has a similar effect over the short term.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
The long version: I've been in this situation since my first year of college last year. As for turning it around, I don't know how bad you are. I was bad enough that I'd go to events to try and be social, but then I wouldn't talk to anyone, no one would talk to me, and I'd sit there stressed out. I finally saw a psychologist (and a psychiatrist) about my problem and they diagnosed me with depression and high anxiety (particularly in regards to social situations). They put me on medication for it. So far, it really hasn't helped
The short version: I have the same problem and I've been working on it for a year with no luck.
EDIT to respond to Tom: It depends on how introverted you are. I did the sign gag back my senior year in high school, making a joking reference about getting dates due to my mathematical abilities. It sort of stressed me out to do, but it did make me better in regards to people. Someone else though who was super introverted might not be able to handle that much attention though.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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quote: Someone else though who was super introverted might not be able to handle that much attention though.
*nod* I figured that someone who was that introverted would realize right away that he or she shouldn't do this, though. But if you're on the borderline, it's not a bad idea.
The trick is to do something to get attention without feeling ashamed of doing it. You have to learn to believe that you deserve other people's focus.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
When I did it, I did it for a laugh. Most people (at least from my experience) are put at ease with someone who can jokingly point out his or her own flaws.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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Join a group that meets about something you really, really care about. There will be opportunities to table for events, etc. I think that when you care about something a lot, it's easier to speak up and get involved.
Posts: 471 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Other than just agreeing with the above, just try being nice to people. people that i have been nice to at some point eventually end up introducing themselves. i guess it also helps that i'm so intelligent and funny.
Posts: 1156 | Registered: Jan 2004
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posted
Certain clubs will be better at this sort of thing than others.
The juggling club at my university, for example, works well for casual conversation. If you don't know how to juggle, then it makes for an easy beginning into having a club member come up to you and show you how. It depends on the kinds of people running the club, but at ours we tried to chat while introducing them to juggling.
Ballroom dance could either be stressful if you have to make the first move in finding a dance partner, or okay if the coordinators take the reins in sorting dance partners.
Also, consider joining a program house or a fraternity/sorority. I don't know how rush/program house applications work at your university, but the members are usually there to engage you in conversation, especially in the smaller events. If you find a fit in interests, it can be a wonderful place to live. My university had a French House, Arts House, Technology, volunteer-oriented sororities, poetry and literary co-ed frats, all sorts of groups.
Posts: 1261 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
I have a simmilar problem in that I'm a freshman (at Wake Forest) this year, and I'm pretty introverted. I've come up with a few things that kind-of sort-of almost seem to be working, in that I have people I'm loosly friends with at least. Do you have a lounge on your floor (and one that people actually use, or at least pass through)? If so, spend some time in there. Do homework there, just sit in there with your comptuer (assuming you have a laptop and thus can) and do random online stuff, and the more social people will talk to you a bit if nothing else... I'll try to post more later but I don't have time at the moment.
Posts: 187 | Registered: Jan 2005
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quote: I'm wondering if any of you have been in this situation before and if so, how do you go about turning yourself around?
Go on a mission.
However, if you're not Mormon, what usually works is just being pleasant to people who talk to you first, and if they enjoy talking to you, then they start to feel more comfortable with you, your circle of peeps expands, all that good stuff.
Now, if you refer to "turning yourself around" meaning become some salesman-like extrovert, um, maybe drugs. I don't mean Ritalin, I mean like uppers. Illegal schtuff. I'm kidding, though. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert and being like you are. If the world doesn't like you, screw them. Be yourself.
Posts: 561 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
I have this problem, too. Actually as I was driving home tonight I was thinking about posting here about it. I'm a sophomore at Purdue and I still don't really have any friends here. A lot of my problem is that they don't really have clubs here for the things I'm interested in. The closest it comes is the Science Fiction club, which would be more accurately called the comic book club, and I don't really do comic books.
For the rest, I'm pretty ok at small talk, but the minute I start being myself and talking about Firefly trivia or my favorite authors people start backing away slowly. Or if I'm talking to someone who loves Firefly and then mention that I love shopping and dressing up it gets the same response. Everyone says you should just be yourself, but that doesn't really work for me.
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
Heres another idea, go to parties. I really really didn't think I'd like the whole frat party thing, but I was surprised when I decided to try it one night. If you drink, that can be a good way to get somewhat extroverted and talk to people (well maybe not a good way, but a way), and if you don't you might at least get more people coming up and talking to you. Also you don't have to be as worried about looking stupid or whatnot, as a decent number of the people will be too drunk to notice Posts: 187 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
If you are shy, partying with alcohol&drugs is the WORST possible suggestion, the last thing you want to do. It's a damned*easy way for a shy person to become a habitual binge drinker/druggie and alcoholic/addict -- which ya don't eeeven need on top of the pressures of school. Such "partying" is FAR more likely to trash your grade point average than to help you find friends. AND having your mind frying is a damned easy way to make decisions that'll get you into the kind of trouble that you'll always regret.
Even if you do manage to make a few acquaintances** while engaging in such "partying", you are not training yourself to deal with stress or with people, unless you remain sober. Stress is a part of life. And while ya might (though doubtful) be able to mindfog over stress while attending college, ya ain't gonna be able to do it on the job. Or while dealing with people-ya-hafta-deal-with: eg relatives, (future) in-laws, car-dealers, bureaucrats, etc. Better to use your college years to learn how to deal with stressful situations than to wait for "real life" to teach you those lessons. Mistakes are a lot more expensive in "real life".
Look, college is there not for the courses (though that's the official explanation), but rather to provide a relatively safe environment in which to experiment with who you are, ie without the folks-who've-known-ya-forever inhibiting how you test your limits. Stay sober, and push your limits. If you're sober, the worst embarassment from putting yourself out there is gonna end up becoming a Boy, was I naive Boy, was I an idiot college tale that you'll recall fondly as you grow older, probably even want to share with friends.
* I'm careful with my language on this forum. In this case, the possible bad consequences merit the stronger descriptive.
** Cuz they ain't gonna be friends. They'll just be people-with-names who will encourage your self-destructive behaviour to make themselves an "I'm normal. I'm just being as sociable as the next guy." excuse to engage in their own. Friends are folks ya don't mind appearing ridiculous around -- without the ego-saving excuse of "I was drunk", etc -- cuz ya like making them smile, cuz ya like sharing the "I've been dumb, too" moments.
posted
Oh yes! I was very much an introvert. Nobody would know it or guess it to look at me know. I was horribly shy in my early years of college. Eventually you do grow out of it, but I think you're asking if there are any steps you can take now to speed the process along.
I think so. But it would depend on why you are shy. For me, it was a lack of confidence, mostly. One of the best ways to overcome a lack of confidence is to get really good at something. (Others have said to "stretch" yourself. I think that's good too).
The way to get really good at something is, first and foremost, to be sincerely interested in it to the point that you would enjoy becoming expert in it, no matter how much effort you have to put into it. And always remember, you're doing it specifically because you want to be the best you can possibly be, so no shortcuts and no giving up. You are doing it to excel, so take your time.
Next thing to do is to become a joiner. One misperception that most introverts have is that they think people who have lots of friends or are gregarious just "attract" folks to themselves. In reality, it's not true. They are more likely to be active in various groups and thus have a wide circle of acquaintances. With that many people in their circle, they just naturally know more folks and are always surrounded by a group of folks.
Now, joining things is a stretch for most introverts. I mean, are you the type to just "join" something for the experience? I know I wasn't.
So, the real key is to find something that also ties into your interests, like joining a group that is also involved in the kinds of things you want to become expert in.
There is also nothing wrong with entering into a mentoring relationship with someone in that group or interest area who is more advanced and knowledgeable than you are. It is, in fact, a good and productive thing. Chances are, you'll gain a lifelong friendship out of it.
And I want to close by saying there's nothing in the world wrong with being a bit shy. Where it does cause problems is if you end up being awkward in social situations to the point where it hampers you in your own pursuits. Painfully shy people probably miss some opportunities, but they may also have keen insights and live a deep and introspective life. Or they could be brooding misanthropes. Nobody knows...
What you'll have to decide, I think, is how much socializing you want to do. I recommended one way to become part of A society -- one of your choosing. It is probably a better way to do it than just at random or doing what I did -- finding someone else who will force you out of your shell. It's just better in the long run if you excercise choices.
And a small circle of close friends who share common interests is probably a better thing than broad but shallow relationships with many many more people.
posted
I'm an introvert married to an extrovert. That helps quite a bit, but isn't a great reason to get married, so I don't recommend it. However, I do think it's really helpful to have a good extroverted friend to learn from.
For me, I have to change the way I think about meeting other people. My natural tendency is to think that I'm bothering people or they'll think I'm dull if I put myself forward. I'm discovering though, that most people really want to be liked, that an awful lot of people are just plain lonely, and that by putting myself forward to talk with them, I'm making them feel valued, not bothered. By talking with them, they seem to feel a little less lonely, and so do I.
So right now, since it's a stretch for me to put myself forward and make the first move, I'm making myself do it once a day. I make myself greet someone I've never met before, or I call someone I haven't talked to in a long time, or I write someone an email. So far it's been really great...I'm going to have lunch tomorrow with an old friend I was out of touch with, and I can hardly wait. That wouldn't have happened if I hadn't called her last week, just to say Hi.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
I'd suggest saying "hi" to people as much as you can. It's something that requires no fear because you can't get it wrong and nobody gets annoyed at simply being told hi. And once you say hi to someone once or twice they will often realize you're interested in being friendly with them.
If you're at college, I also recommend leaving your door open. People will eventually wander out and talk to you when they get bored - this is inevitable.
quote:Oh yes! I was very much an introvert. Nobody would know it or guess it to look at me know. I was horribly shy in my early years of college. Eventually you do grow out of it, but I think you're asking if there are any steps you can take now to speed the process along.
Shyness you grow out of from experience. Introversion you don't - although you can change over time I think, for various other reasons.
Posts: 8120 | Registered: Jul 2000
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quote:Originally posted by tern: maybe drugs. I don't mean Ritalin, I mean like uppers. Illegal schtuff. I'm kidding, though.
I'm glad you're kidding, because that is really bad advice. But there are prescription drugs that can help. Research has shown SSRI's to be helpful to people with a social anxiety disorder. Perhaps you can be evaluated to see if this is an appropriate option for you at the student health center.
The idea of joining clubs sounds reasonable. Is there a volunteer club, like Rotary or something, that focuses on doing Good Works? I'd think that the kind of people who would join such a club would be the type of nice, helpful people who could help you, while you help them help everyone else.
quote:Research has shown SSRI's to be helpful to people with a social anxiety disorder.
Unless you are actually shaking with panic everytime you set outside your door, or you cannot answer even simple questions asked you at the dinner table, I don't think this applies. Lots of people are very shy- it's not an illness.
I am also one of these shy people. I eat meals with my friends, I talk to people in classes but I don't go out drinking, etc. To fill the gap, I have done things. One thing its really easy to join is a non-audition choir- if you have any interest at all in music. This is what I did last year.
The people are a mixture and they tend to be very friendly. The focus will be on the choir but you will also get to meet and talk to people.
Last year I went out on a huge limb and, via e-mail, offered to design the set for a play. I could offer because it was via e-mail- no talking. Because I had made the commitment I couldn't just not do it; I had to. Walking in the room for the first meeting I could bearly stand upright I was so nervous. On top of that I had to phone the CBC props department and go down there to choose props. That was very nervewracking. But I did it, and now some really great people say "hello" to me as I pass by. Fame! Sometimes you have to force yourself to do things and you will be SO HAPPY when you do them.
Other things that don't require much pushy people-ness would be working backstage at a play (setting props on a stage- theatre people are overwhelming welcoming), or writing articles for your school newspaper, especially if you can get involved via e-mail (e-mail is your FRIEND!)
If you join even one club or group you're going to meet people. When you meet them, you'll have the club to talk about so conversation is already covered. In the club they'll no doubt be a at least one person you can really get along with. Together, you'll be able to go to other events and join other clubs.
Voila! You have a social life!
Good Luck. Take that first step, get into something you like to do!
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Teshi, I don't think you have to be shaking with panic to be considered suffering from an illness. I've been deemed through tests and other such things as having social anxiety disorder. I don't shake with panic at these things. It's just that I know how to do them, but I can't do them. It's like there's a barrier in my mind that stops me. You say you talk to people in class. Well then I wouldn't say you're too shy or anywhere close to socially anxious. At least in my case, I sweat somewhat in class because I'm nervous. I don't talk to anyone unless they talk to me first. It just isn't comfortable and each experiences takes a lot out of me. If BGgurl is anything like me, she may suffer from social anxiety. In that case, what Tante Shvester said might be true. I'm on an SSRI and it's helped at least partially (and this is on a low dose, I think when the dosage is fixed it'll be much better).
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
blackwolve - being yourself will work. The trouble people like us have is that we have trouble finding each other. Seriously. My dearest female friends in the world are scattered all over the country (or the world) because I met them online.
The secret to having casual relationships for hanging out and doing stuff is to choose not to reveal the 'odd' fannish part of yourself. Which I really don't reccommend, because it ends up not being fun, being somebody you are not.
Me, I've gotten to where I tell new people about having had my own LotR convention... fairly quickly. I laugh, and say, "This is going to sound so crazy, but..." and people dig it. I even found out that a couple on the block had a LotR costume party when TTT came out. And here I had been thinking that I was stuck in the homogeny of the Suburbs. Sometimes people surprise you.
Posts: 9293 | Registered: Aug 2000
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quote: It's just that I know how to do them, but I can't do them.
There's a barrier in mine. There's a barrier in everyone's mind, to much-varying degrees. When I say I talk to people in class I mean when they pass me a sheet of paper I smile, I say something like "thanks" or "which way am I passing these?" I don't talk to anyone unless I have to ("pass these along?"). I am indeed shy. It is not an illness.
If you want to take drugs for being shy, drink alcahol.
But you know what? I refuse to allow myself to be shy. Even if I'm constantly trying to not to do things, to put phone calls off, to get around doing that thing where I have to talk to people. I refuse to give in and be crippled by my problem. As a result, with this determination in my mind, I am less shy. Yes, it's tough to make those first few leaps. Yes, you've got to be scared and shaky and trying to avoid it time and time again but once you've done something once you can tell yourself it will never be quite as hard again.
I'm sorry that this post is angry. I've done a lot without drugs and I hate to see other people convince themselves that they need them when all they need is immense willpower. You have that willpower inside of you, pfresh, and BGGurl too. Shyness not something that you can wave goodbye to easily by taking medication, it's something you have to fight yourself.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
If you say anything, you aren't as shy as you think. I don't say anything when papers are being passed. As I said, I only reply when someone says something to me (and even then it's a minimalist reply).
As for saying that once you've done something once you can do it again, I don't buy it. I tried very hard my first year of college to be social. I went to club meetings. I went to the little get togethers for freshmen. I met 0 people. I've been told I'm intimidating (which is why no one approaches me) and I can't approach anyone else (I'm too reactionist). I tried over and over again in that first semester of college, and each time I was left drained with nothing to show for it.
In regards to something from your initial post, I'm bad around everyone (including friends). In high school at lunch, I sat with friends and such. I didn't talk though again unless spoken to. It's all in my head. Too much thinking, too much analyzing every situation.
I hate the fact that you say it's a matter of intense willpower. It's not for some of us. I have a lot of willpower. If I didn't, I would have succumbed to my depression years ago and probably done something stupid and drastic. I'm too stubborn and have too strong a will to let that happen. I keep pushing forward anyways. Willpower alone can't get some of us through this though.
Trust me, medication was my last option. I fell apart last spring/summer, that's why I first went to a psychologist. I told him up front that I didn't want anything to do with medication. After 6 weeks, he realized he couldn't help me. All the exercises he made me do, they didn't do anything for me. I tried and tried, and it was all unsuccessful. It wasn't until the very end that he recommended I see a psychiatrist and get put on medication. When I told him about the barrier thing, he said it did sound very much like real social anxiety disorder (which he had already diagnosed me with via tests). He said that most people have a small barrier to get over, sort of a speed bump, but they can power over it. People with social anxiety disorder though, it's like a brick wall in front of them. They can sit there spending all their energy pounding on the wall, but it won't get them anywhere.
I'm sorry if my post sounds angry, Teshi. I'm not angry at you. I'm just angry at this assumption that I didn't try, that I just gave in to medication. I've been dealing with this problem for a long time, and I've tried everything I can think of. It didn't work, and I was miserable. As I said before, medication was my last resort.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
I'm not saying you didn't try very very hard, I'm saying that medication isn't going to make you less intimidating, for example. You are. You have to, because other wise that depression that you must take mediation for is going to follow you around your whole life.
What is going to take down that wall? Drugs can keep you afloat, keep you balanced, but it can't get you through that wall, at least not all the way.
I know you've said before that you rarely smile. You say in the post above that you're always thinking and analyzing; do you maybe consider your friends' banter unintelligent? (I'm just perhapsing here)
Stop thinking, stop analyzing, my friend, and start smiling. Even better, start laughing.
(Easier said than done I know, but if being intimidating is your problem, that's your first hurdle).
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I don't find my friends' banter unintelligent. When I say I'm always thinking and analyzing, it's something beyond my control. I've described it like this: I have two levels of thought. The first is the level I have full control of it. This is the level where I do academic stuff and where I think of witty things to say and such. The second level is one I don't have control over it. It's one that's always running. It's always taking every situation and tearing it apart, analyzing the pieces, trying to predict what's going to happen next (or what will happen if I do this or do that). I have no control over this part. When I'm depressed, I become pessmistic and this part pulls up negative result after negative result. Telling me to stop thinking and to stop analyzing is useless; I don't control it. I said this to someone else: it's like telling a blind man not to be blind. It's something out of my realm of control.
In regards to being intimidating, well this is just what I've heard from one or two people. I've also heard from several people that I'm not intimidating, that I just look nervous and isolated. So yeah. You can try and offer up fixes, Teshi, but trust me. Most of the stuff you've said is stuff I've tried. It doesn't work. Or at least didn't work for me.
EDIT: I wanted to add that I was given a prescription for insomnia for a reason. That second level of thinking I talked about often keeps me up. I can't shut it off and at times it keeps me from sleeping.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
I just want to make it clear that I wasn't saying she should start drinking , doing drugs, etc. and if it came off that way, sorry. My point was that regardless of weather or not she drinks, going to parties could be helpful becuase there will be some more or less unavoidable interaction, and that can be confidence building. While most college parties of the type I was describing will be comprised mostly of people drinking, I know a number of people on my hall alone who don't drink, yet still go, and still go out to the same parties and have a good time.
Posts: 187 | Registered: Jan 2005
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