posted
Does anyone know the process for getting one? In what instance would such a thing be warranted?
I've received lewd emails. They didn't bother me beyond kind of grossing me out. I didn't really take them seriously. But last week, I received some text messages from the same person that were...maybe not overtly threatening (I'm not sure how one would define "overtly threatening"), but definitely lewd (too much so to be posted on this forum, even edited) and that kind of freaked me out. But since I've moved, I'm pretty sure this person has no way of knowing where I live. On the other hand, I live alone, so I feel like I should be more cautious.
Do you guys think it would be worth it to make some kind of police report, so that they have a record in case these sorts of things continue?
posted
How do I do that? I don't live on campus anymore, so I'm hoping that regular police will be somewhat more effective. I tried to report someone who kind of stalked me freshman year, and campus police basically laughed at me, so I'm kind of wary of asking for police help now.
posted
I don't think you can get one. I think you have to be threatened with bodily harm or being stalked. You should definelty file a report though.
Posts: 2064 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
I think you need to go to a police station to file this sort of thing. And yeah, campus police can be worthless.
Posts: 2064 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Do you know where the closest police station is? In person is probably best.
And it doesn't matter if they laugh at you, as long as they take down the report. If it continues, file another report. After a couple, they should take you seriously (whether or not they do at first).
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
I don't really think what's happened so far warrants one, but I want to know in case I need one in the future.
Uh, does "I'm going to tie you up and, uh, do things to you" count as a threat?
The closest police station...I'm not sure, but I could probably find out. I know that we have off-duty police patrolling a lot around here. They walk you to your car and stuff if you have to go out at night. Maybe I could talk to them.
posted
I had a sort of creepy but harmless stalker in high school, and my freshman year of college, I had a pretty creepy stalker who showed up on my floor a lot and found out where I hung out on weekends. That's the one I tried to report, but I didn't have any evidence because everything he said to me was really weird, but not overtly threatening, and he didn't say anything when there were other people listening.
posted
Didn't they just pass a law that says people can't even "annoy" women if they use a screen name?
Posts: 1209 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Hey pH, if you had to deal with stalkers before then you might already know this. But one great way to get rid of a not so serious creepy admirer is to let them know that EVERYTHING they send to you, and everything they say, is being recorded and reported to the police. And then, of course, report it to the police. Someone who is saying such creepy things to you with no provocation (even with provocation), should be brought to the attention of the police.
Posts: 499 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I believe restraining orders can also be termed no-contact orders, so any contact (phone, e-mail, etc.) would be violating that.
(I work at a newspaper, and we have "violation of a no-contact order" in our Magistrate Court quite frequently.)
Posts: 2034 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
He knows what area of town I moved to and maybe the street. There was a space of time between the emails and the text messages in which we talked, and I got the impression that the emails were sort of a failed attempt to be...seductive? And that he just really didn't know how to approach me (we used to date, and I dumped him, and we hadn't spoken for quite some time). The text messages came the morning after he called me one night and asked me what I was up to, and I told him I was getting ready for a date. And they were much more...scary. Brutal, maybe, about their purpose. The emails were more like he was trying to be sexy or something. The text messages, well, one of them included a phrase along the lines of wanting to "do things to you that your dinner dates only read about."
posted
He wouldn't be able to get my number again as far as I know, but I've had this number for three years, and I get a lot of business-type calls from people that I don't always keep up with on it. I'd rather not change it unless I don't have another choice. I'm more worried about the possibility of him physically showing up at my house than anything else.
posted
pH, other than telling him - once - that you want no further contact with him in any form whatsoever, do not talk to him, message him, chat with him. It will only encourage him. Cut off all contact, but be clear with him that that's what you're doing.
If you think it would help, you could think about telling him that his messages went way past inappropriate all the way to threatening and that you are going to the police (or you have gone to the police, if you have by that time.) Don't go into detail, don't try to reason with him, don't try to justify your actions. Keep it very simple and to the point and then hang up. "Your text messages are unwelcome and inappropriate. If you continue, I will notify the police." Nothing else.
posted
I sent him a text over the weekend expressing...shock and irritation. I haven't heard from him since, but he seems to contact me only when he has free time, like on weekends and such. Although I could, I'm reluctant to play the boyfriend card because while he was never a jealous guy when we dated, his response to finding out I was going out to dinner with someone else last week seems to indicate to me that he could become more aggressive if I mentioned such a thing. Does that make sense? I mean, there are some guys who will go away if you say something like, "My boyfriend would really appreciate it if you didn't call me anymore," but there are some who would step up their approach, and I don't want to take the chance that he's one of those.
posted
You don't owe him any explanations. Not one single one. That's why I advocate keeping the message short and simple. "I am not interested in any further communication with you."
No reasons, no excuses. Just that, nothing more. If he insists on trying to get anything more out of you, say that same line again. And again. And again. And again. But nothing else.
Be a broken record in getting your point across, but do not offer explanations or reasons - he'll use them as a hint that if he gets rid of those excuses, you'll be free. Don't give him ammunition or... anything.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
PH--Do you have any way to protect yourself (I mean physically), in case this dude actually shows up somewhere? You should check with the police as to what is legal in your municipality before you do something stupid. But I think that you might fell comforted if you had a way to protect yourself.
I'm sorry that I can't be there to "convince this dude of the error of his ways" regarding his treatment of you.
posted
As for a way to protect myself, I took judo and kung fu, but that was a WHILE ago. I really have no idea how to fight. I'll probably pick up some pepper spray; I used to carry some all the time, but I went to a concert where they searched bags, and they took it away from me and threw it away (they offered to hold it but were going to charge me money to do so).
I've started locking both of my locks at night, and I might get a dog after I've gotten more settled in to my new place. Nothing too big because my place is small, but something that can bark at intruders. My father has been after me to buy a gun for a while, but I think that I'd be uneasy having one in the house (I sort of know how to shoot; he made me learn when I was young). But from what I understand, in this city, women have been tried for shooting men who assaulted and were clearly trying to rape them, so I don't know how much use it would be beyond intimidation even if I could bring myself to fire it.
posted
If you're not absolutely competent with a gun, I would not keep one in the house. It's too easy for it to be used against you. Plus, if you're not prepared to actually shoot the guy, it's useless to you. It likely wouldn't work to intimidate the guy anyway.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Yeah, that's sort of how I feel about it. But my father is a good ol' Southern boy who thinks everyone should own and be competent to use a gun.
I think I'm unsettled by this not by him in particular but by the realization that I live alone, and if something were to happen, I don't know who would be around to help or how long it would take anyone to notice that something was wrong.
quote: I sent him a text over the weekend expressing...shock and irritation.
Does he really know that his emails bother you? I mean, have you told him that if he continues, you will report him to the police? Have you told him, point blank, to stop sending you emails?
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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quote: If you think it would help, you could think about telling him that his messages went way past inappropriate all the way to threatening and that you are going to the police (or you have gone to the police, if you have by that time.)
*rubs forehead*
I have to leave this thread before my brain explodes.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
I think most places require you to have filed a certain amount of complaints/reports to the cops before you can get a restraining order. I live in Seattle, and I'm pretty sure it's three reports here. If this is true where you live, whether or not he breaks of contact immediately (which sounds unlikely) it'd still be a good idea to file a report for it's own sake and so if he repeats in the future, obtaining some kind of court order will be easier.
Best of Luck.
Online Self Defense Store - There's nothing amusing about your situation, but there is much to be had in things like pepper spray rings.
Posts: 2907 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
Whatever the case may be, BRING IT TO THE ATTENTION OF THE POLICE. I hate to use all caps on that, but what he is doing is called HARASMENT. It is illegal in any/every sort of way. I don't see any reason for you to be putting up with this. File a complaint or whatever the police want to call it, but just do it. You seem to be caring too much for the liitle prick that is doing this. He obviously doesn't really care for you if he continues to harass you.
The "boyfriend card" won't work anyway. I've seen it tried. However, by the time I was asked on it, it was past that point. I'm not delving too much into that one for it involved an AWOL marine.
At least get the ball rolling for a restraining order.
posted
The ideal response would have been upon receiving these lewd and vaguely threatening messages to tell him immediately, "I do not like this, it grosses me out and frightens me, and I'm asking you to stop at once," and if he does it just one more time-even "toned down"-then say, "I've already told you I don't like this. Stop now or I am going to report this to the police." And keep safe records of all of it, whether or not he does continue.
That would have been, I think, ideal because it makes things absolutely clear to everyone involved and he cannot protest that it was just a "misunderstanding" later on. But since it's been going on for awhile, I would simply report it to the police with records and if you do reply to him at all-I'm not sure if you should or shouldn't-inform him that you have gone to the police.
It's for the best, really. I suppose it's faintly possible that this guy is just a misogynistic jackass with no idea of how to approach women. It's mildly possible he views this as some form of flirting-perhaps even in the past he was with a woman who was into being "tied up and done stuff to"...but all of that is unlikely. In that "best-case" scenario, the boy definitely needs a wake-up call that for whatever reasons he's doing it, his approach isn't how to approach women, and telling him you've gone to the police would certainly do that.
In the worst-case scenario, he's a stalker with mental issues about whom you should be concerned, and in that case you need to make sure the cops know about it should any further harrassment occur.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
If you have suitable living space, maybe you could foster a nice Pit from a local dog rescue organization, they usually need people to house dogs short-term while they wait for adoption, and in exchange you get an adult, housebroken, often well-trained, and super-loyal companion. I used to be a little nervous about bumps in the night when I was home alone, but now that we've got a scary looking and scary sounding dog, I don't give it a second thought.
Posts: 1681 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
Time for another plug for The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.
It helps put things like this into perspective and decide whether something needs to be done.
I would tell this guy that he's bothering you, you have no interest in any kind of relationship with him, that his emails are inapproriate and frightening, and that you wish him to stop contacting you forever. Document it. Do not mention the police, and do not qualify it in any way (no "I'm not looking for a relationship" stuff). The message you want to send is that you will never welcome contact from him.
Save copies of everything. At the very next message other than "OK, you'll never hear from me again," go to the police. Do not ever respond to this guy again - he wants contact.
This gives him a chance to stop without police involvement, documents his knowledge that he is making you afraid (important for prosecution later), and then denies him a reaction from you, which may be his desired outcome.
Edit: I strongly disagree with mentioning the police to him, ever. One notice that he's bothering you and making you afraid, then contact the police without ever contacting him again.
I'd recommend going in person the police station if you have to take it that far. It's harder to be dismissed in person.
Posts: 26071 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
Well I certainly don't have any real experience in these kinds of things. I've never been stalked nor have I been a stalker, so I'm not really sure if mentioning the cops is the right thing to do or not.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
The problem is that calling the cops is a threat, and when she does call the cops, it's unlikely there will be any immediate consequences for the stalker. The cops might talk to him and warn him, but not much else. Therefore, the threat will be perceived as being toothless.
Also, you want to keep the cops as third parties, not as agents of the person being stalked. Making the threat to call them will make what they do seem like the actions of the stalked person.
Posts: 26071 | Registered: Oct 2003
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quote: I'm pretty sure this person has no way of knowing where I live.
My concern would be that if you file a police report, then your name and address will be a matter of public record and this individual will find out where you live.
I would be more inclined to document everything, including your feelings. If this person finds out who you are or where you live, then I would file a police report.
EDIT
I just read:
quote: He knows what area of town I moved to and maybe the street.
SO I retract my advice and urge you to continue to document everything--including your attempts to get him to stop, and take it down to the police station.
Posts: 2445 | Registered: Oct 2004
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quote:My concern would be that if you file a police report, then your name and address will be a matter of public record and this individual will find out where you live.
I'm not sure this is true, but it's certainly something that should be asked of the police.
Posts: 26071 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
It kinda sounds to me that whether or not filing a police report = him finding out your address is moot at this point - pH, you already said that he probably knows what part of town you're in and maybe the street. It's not a very far stretch from there to think that there's a chance he may just start lurking in the area and see you go/leave home or some such, if he is in fact stalking you. I'm not trying to scare you further, but I do think that's a possibility you should take into consideration.
And I agree with Dagonee about not saying anything to him about calling the police - he might take that as some sort of dare, and knowing that you'd basically be waiting for him to make the next move might be too much to resist. And yes, definitely keep copies of everything, and I'd also start keeping a journal of dates and times that he bothers you if it's not stuff you can keep a hard copy of.
Disclaimer: I don't have any personal knowledge of this sort of thing. Pretty much all of my thoughts/feelings on this have grown from working a bit on play Boy Gets Girl, which is basically about a stalker/victim relationship. It might actually be worth reading for you, pH, although the case in the play is much more extreme that what you've described so far.
posted
Okay, I think I'm going to wait and see if he does something to contact me again, and if he does, just tell him point-blank to leave me alone. I don't really THINK he's the stalker type, but as I said, he's starting to seem less misguided and more overtly creepy. Actually, upon further consideration of what I know about him, he kind of seems like he has predator potential. So while I'm not terribly worried that he's going to stalk me, the possibility is enough for me to want to take precautions.
I'm definitely going to pick up some pepper spray. I contacted one of the Katrina animal rescue shelters to ask them about adopting a dog. Actually, my first dog when I was very young (barely a toddler) was a pit bull, so I like them. If a big dog will do all right in my small apartment with lots of walks, I'll try to get one of those or some nice mixed breed dog that's already housetrained.
posted
I think that seems like an excellent plan, pH. I'll put in another vote for keeping extensive (dated and timed) documentation of what happens and your reactions as this whole thing plays out.
Not to derail the discussion, but I was just wondering -- does he (that you know of) characterize himself as a "nice guy?" I'm just curious, not that it'd prove anything either way.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
As far as I know, he doesn't characterize himself as a nice guy. He's not a nice guy at all, and he's never been one to get overly attached as far as I know, but with me, he was really, well, he was very, very into me and clearly mentally unstable. And he would do outrageous things for attention, as if he was trying to prove that he was the most mentally unstable EVAR!!!! He was hard to figure out because he was very, very outwardly confident, but it sort of seemed as though he was trying too hard.
As for documentation, my phone automatically saves the date and time of the messages, and they're saved in two different locations.
My mother suggested that I borrow my boyfriend's dog for a few days to see if I can really handle caring for one on my own. She's a yellow lab, and she's supposed to be very friendly, although I haven't met her yet. I think I'm going to bribe her with toys to make sure she likes me.
quote:Originally posted by pH: And he would do outrageous things for attention, as if he was trying to prove that he was the most mentally unstable EVAR!!!! He was hard to figure out because he was very, very outwardly confident, but it sort of seemed as though he was trying too hard.
Ahhh. Well, good luck. Sounds like he might be using you to prove a point to himself.
*wry look
quote:I think I'm going to bribe her with toys to make sure she likes me.
-pH
I bet that if you go on lots of walks, she'll love you for-evah. Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
You might what to check with your local cyber crimes unit, if you have one. They would be better suited to check up on things such as email and text messages. In most states cyber stalking is the same as physical.
Just my 2 cents....
Posts: 80 | Registered: Nov 2005
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