posted
I had a dream last night in which I discovered the cure for the US Trade deficit.
This dream may have been inspired by my years of dedicated research and overwrought worry about this massive foriegn owned problem.
Or it may have been inspired by that three anchovy and peperoni pizza I had just before bed.
I'll let you decide.
The plan is simple, based off of modern economic strategies that we witness almost dailly--Corporate Sponsorship.
Oh, don't get me wrong. I don't mean corporate sponsorship of the government. There is no need to worry about that. The Corporations are doing fine on that front.
I am suggesting something a bit more radical.
Corporate sponsorship of the flag. Old Glory is a symbol of what the US is all about. Why not bring that symbol into modern reality, while raising the cash needed to defeat our enemies and possibly pay some of our bills?
We would auction off stars and stripes. Whoever pays the most would get to incorporate thier logo, very tastefully I promise, into the official flag.
Such rights would go for Billions. For a chance to get the Golden Arches to be seen around the world, McDonalds would pay. For a chance to get them saluted and treated with respect, they'd pay a fortune for.
And since sponsorship would adorn old glory with trademarked symbols, we no longer need to worry about a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. Sure some critics may be willing to face the worlds largest standing army, the police and the prison system in order to protest, but nobody would dare such a protest if it meant they would have to face Microsoft Lawyers.
Consider the effect this will have on unemployment. Each time a new sponsor is added to the flag we would have to produce all new flags. This will keep the sewers busy. Sure, maybe most of the US flags today are made in China. Still jobs would be made for delivery drivers, flag retailers, and flag-pole repairmen.
Why, the benefits of this just keep on mounting and mounting. Still, I know there are some dissenters out there.
Some say that this is un-American. I say those people don't know what America is. Would you say that baseball is Un-American? Of course not. But there is not one major league team that plays in a stadium that has not some corporate sponsorship. I say if its good enough for America's past time, then its good enough for me.
Then there are the football domes, the hockey arenas, all the famous named domes (not counting the Abramoff Dome in DC. That's an entirely different form of corporate sponsorship). If they can have sponsors, and each inch of Nascar, from the Nextel Cup to the kneepad of the slowest racer can have sponsors, why not our flag.
Some will say it will dishearten our soldiers. I say those people don't know our soldiers. Do you think that they risk their lives for such things as Red, White, or Blue? No.
If you meet a couple soldiers in the hot Iraqi sun, they won't say, "Lets give our lives for the 6th ammendment". You will hear one say, "I'd kill for a cold Coors right now."
Show them what they are really fighting for. Show them the Nike swoosh as they go into battle, the friendly family warmth of AT&T, the proud unyeilding symbol of Haliburton. They will fight all the harder, all the more for that is the America they know and love.
Lets motivate them with what truly matters in America--Big Macs, I-Pods, and Sony Playstation Threes.
Some will say that no one will pay money for such sponsorship, seeking to distance themselves from an unpopular country in their world markets.
I say that those worry warts do not know business. Great American companies will line up to prove their patriotism. Companies like Toyota, Volkswagon, Daimler-Chrysler, BP Oil.
Others will want to show thier corporate responsibility by giving to a country that has given them so much. Companies like Haliburton, En-Ron, World Com.
And some companies must do it or else the flag won't represent our values. Companies like Microsoft, Disney, McDonalds, Coke-A-Cola.
Why even some other countries, who have already invested billions in our debt, may want to be paid back with good product placement on the flag.
Now, along with the changes to the flag, there may have to be some changes to the pledge, but they should be easy enough.
I pledge alliegance to the flag of the United States of America And to the corporations for which it stands One nation, under sold With liberty and justice for all major stockholders.Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
We could even replace the stars with company logos in order of who pays....loves their country the most. If a company wants to prove their loyalty to the country, surely they'll want to be placed on the first row of logos.
Posts: 291 | Registered: Jun 2002
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posted
Don't stop there. America still has a little bit of real estate left that Japan and China haven't bought yet, so let's put all that to good use!
Lady Liberty would look great with some Prada accessories.
And wait, the Golden GATE Bridge? Why not the Golden ARCHES bridge.
Wouldn't Lincoln look a little more fashionable at his monument if he were wearing Abercrombie?
And why not slap an oil derrick over the Washington monument. What's that you say? Oil companies are getting billions in tax breaks from the fed? Well it must be on the up and up, Washington cannot tell a lie!
Wouldn't the Gateway Arch in St. Louis look a lot better if there was a giant Microsoft Window attached to it? "St. Louis, just take a look out the window and see how great it is." "St. Louis, opening the window to the future!" It could a part of a whole new ad campaign that links cities to corporate sponsors.
And why shouldn't states get in on the same deals as the federal government? If we're going to whore out Old Glory, why not whore out the cities too?
Detroit could be sponsored by Norton Security software. "Detroit, if we can protect you here, we can protect you anywhere." Then just slap a Norton logo on the Ren Cen and call it a day,
New Orleans could be sponsored by Bounty. "Even Katrina couldn't make a mess that the quilted quicker picker upper couldn't handle." Then show giant flood waters being blocked by huge paper towels, and slap the Bounty logo on the Superdome.
Seattle could be sponsored by Totes, who make all those lovely, tiny umbrellas. Which sounds all that much cooler when you install a giant umbrella on the Space Needle and unfurl it on rainy days.
Boise could be sponsored by Ore Ida. Potates plus a frozen french fry company? Nuff said.
And finally, we have thousands of armed troops all over the world spreading American goodwill, but why not American business? That's thousands of square feet of untapped advertising! From now on it isn't Charlie company of the sixth platoon attached 10th air force doing that strike on the terrorist base, it's Google company of Norton platoon, with the Intel platoon attached Jose Cuervo Air Strike Unit (JCASU).
And who really cares what we name new ships our yards are turning out? The Navy can start directing ads towards women, sending out the call to come serve on the USS JCPenney. "Join the Navy, it's all inside." Let's start making those ships pay for themselves!
Come serve on the USS Nike. "Navy, Just Do It."
And assuming cities are allowed to sponsor other things themselves, for our next naval carrier: USS Tijuana. "Navy, fly high"
You just barely scratched the surface dan, there's a whole world of America out there just waiting to be sold!
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
I kept saying when CA elected the Gubernator that he could basically eliminate the state's debt if he just auctioned off his collection of Hummers and used the proceeds to pay it off...
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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"This Border Patrol Proudly Sponsored By Lowes. Remember, Strong Fences Make Good Neighbors, and All Your Fencing Supplies Can Be Found At Lowes."
Then, at the bottom of the sign, in an open box, are a stack of spanish language Lowes employment applications.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
You know, I love you Dan and normally your humor makes my day.
This did not, it upset me. I'm not blaming you - it's probably just my deeply rooted respect for the flag. I come from a long line of military men and it's been ingrained deeply in me that the flag is more than a collection of colored cloth.
Weird. I would have thought I could take a joke better than that.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
Belle, I'm sorry if you didn't find this funny, or worse, was offended. It was satire not aimed at our flag, but at the commercialization and consumerism that is becoming a bit too much in our country. You're responce means I must sharpen my wit and my pencil a bit more next time.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
No Dan, I don't think the problem here is you. I'ts me. I get that you were aiming for the commercialization, I do.
And I love you and the things you write.
I posted this not to make you feel bad, but because I found it strange that I WAS offended by it, because I agree with many of the points you made. I just coulnd't deal with the way you made them. But that was my issue, not yours.
posted
Well, I think the PR blunder would depend on the reason why it fell.
If it fell because it couldn't support it's weight, it'd be hilarious, but I don't see how a falling bridge is going to hurt anyone's sales. No one is going to move their office supply needs to somewhere else if the Staples Center collapses tomorrow.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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