quote:Blayne, I dropped out of college after two years spent working towards an English major. And I'm working in IT right now. It's doable, but you have to try.
That's kind of eerie - I did almost the exact same thing.
...
Blayne, seriously, that sucks, and I'm sorry.
Posts: 4313 | Registered: Sep 2004
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Blayne Bradley
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posted
Nah Im pretty sure any special attention I got was because for years my hearing was bad I had soem ind of ear infection where they put these little green tubes in them to drain fluid. They fell out in about 2nd-3rd grade. Since then I had to take a class to work on my pronounciation, I speak like a Korean alot of the times.
So I dont think I have any real disability currently affecting me just the side effects of somthing that happened a while back.
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Blayne Bradley
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Ahhhh crap. =(
quote:
Perceiving Thinking Remembering Learning Language Processing Difficulties in processing sarcasm or understanding when someone is joking Difficulty taking another’s perspective Difficulties in understanding: long or complex sentence structure; and with figures of speech Difficulties with: retrieving vocabulary words; orally presented task demands Difficulties with new vocabulary and responses to teacher-directed questions
Clearly your father is frustrated. His reactions are not good (he shouldn't have hit you). Most of the concerns being expressed here are not about that incident, however, but have more to do with the future.
There are some things I would like to ask you, or rather, I'd like to have you ask them of yourself:
1) Is there anything you can do to de-escalate the situation with your father? Clearly avoiding being a smart-mouth would help, but would that be enough? Perhaps he has some pent-up antipathy toward you that you could alleviate in some way? I suspect that your obtaining and holding a job might be a priority for him, for example. I don't know that, but I figure it's probably a fairly understandable thought on his part. Perhaps if you did that, and started paying some rent or contributed toward the household expenses in other ways, it'd help to address whatever his problems are with you right now.
2) Does your father physically abuse your mother or your younger siblings? Is this a situation requiring intervention? I mean, really, if he's going to go punching you in frustration, what does he do to your mother and any younger kids that are in the house?
3) What are you doing right now to prepare a way for you to leave? If the answer is "just going to school," then I think you need to do more. I like the idea of getting some evaluation and help from whatever resources are available to you (a la CT's posts), but there should also be things like career counseling from within your department, job fairs coming up in the next semester, paid internships, work study, etc., etc. Ways for you to gain paid experience in your field that will help you become employed (and employable) when the time does come.
4) How much time do you waste? Until you are established along a path that gets you where you want to be, I humbly suggest that you need to evaluate this question periodically. It's not like I would ever advocate having to be laser-focused on career goals to the exclusion of all else that you enjoy in life, but I get the sense that you escape into a world of gaming and don't spend ANY time focusing on your future. If your future was assured, hey, no big deal. But you have clearly outlined a living situation which is untenable for the long term and so you should be working to remedy that situation...long term.
5) How much money do you really need to move out now? In particular, do you have ANYONE you could go live with (a relative or friend) with whom you could share expenses. Can you find a job that nets you a few hundred dollars a month and then get into a share situation? Or, have your parents basically said that they will cut off all support (even for education costs) if you move out?
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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Blayne Bradley
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and the most damning of all.
quote:
Difficulty writing since spelling may not be automatic
posted
1) The main problem here that all the problems will start the MOMENT I do something wrong it could be as inconsequencial as triping going up the stair and then he'll go on "you always trip going up the stairs your overweight, where are you "logsheets" why why why why why!!! Do this do that do this even if its not your day to do it" and then hell go on implying how stupid I am. For example if I miss even one little spot clenaing a pot hell redo it foricng me to watch as he "teaches me" how to do it right. And if I walk away as he wastes my time I get yelled at.
2) any fighting between my parents may have or may not have happened when I was alot younger but I have no clear memory of it happening in recent history AFAIK. And no I do not believe my brother has been hit recently either I seem to be taking all of he unwanted attention nowadays.
3) I'm trying everyway I can to get a job that hopefully isnt me working as a dishwasher (3 lkewise underthe table jobs is enough thank you veyr much) I went to the college people and im tyring to apply for loans/bursuries and trying to find a job as well via the school.
4) More then I'll even admit to myself. Failing a class has woken me up a little but getting any sort of job never occured to me until I was 18 when my allowance for doing chores stopped and I realized "hey if I work I cna buy stuff". But yes I have wasted alot of time I know that I should be working harder to get a career going.
5) Somewhat to that effect yes, I suspect if I mvoe out ill be on my own completely. The cost of school is around 1600 a year ~200 for books. And I suspect barebones rent is 3000-4000 a year Net' amd utilities are probly naother 1000.
If I could save up 6000 dollars I suspect I could move to the town where my college is located.
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I cannot speak for Bob, but when I read the "wasting time" question I felt that he may have been referring to your time spent online. Every other thread you start here is about a game you are playing, or an imaginary/alternate reality game. I get that you enjoy these games and you feel that the hours and hours you spend playing these games helps you forget about your unhappy situation and are a nice escape, they shouldn't be a priority. Not right now. I don't know, but I think it may be a good idea for you to setup a reward program for yourself. For every 2 hours you spend looking for work, you give yourself 1 hour of playing time. If you spend 5 hours in the evening scouring ads, going to places and applying, then you can play online later that evening for 2.5 hours. (At this point in your life by the way, NO job is beneath you. You need the money, you are getting an education, if the job is legal than it IS NOT beneath you. You could be a dishwasher, fry cook. Nobody will define you by where you work right now, you are a student.) Do not let a gaming schedule dictate your life. It will lead to missed opportunity. I am sure the people you play with will understand you need a job to move out, be happy, and be a better companion in these games. I don't know how your games work but you talk about needing to be online at a certain time and the world relies on it. this is unhealthy.
The Money thing:
You don't need an entire years worth of living expenses before moving out. Just a couple of months. Continue working for the rest. You also don't NEED internet at home, regardless of what you think. Use the school computer lab if you have to. You may think it sucks but it will do.
posted
If you have enough money for the necessary deposits (and necessary, in this case, are just apt, electricity, and water) and a job, then you have everything you need to move out.
In fact, if you got a job (and Ben is right, any job is better than no job) I bet your parents would be willing to help you out with the deposits. It'd be a good investment on their part to help you get set up on your own.
As for school, I know in the US there are very generous and accessible programs for student loans. They are just what the name implies, though: loans. In other words, you'll have to pay them back at some point. But that's not a cause for concern in most cases, because once you get a degree you'll get a good job and the repayment schedules are very easy to meet.
As for your dad, what seem like little things to you could very well be the last straw things for him. In other words, as Bob touched on, he might be frustrated with your life track in general and the next 'little' thing you do will set him off. My parents were like that when I was in high school -- yelling at me for little things. But when I got older I realized the little things were symptomatic of larger attitude problems on my part.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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Blayne Bradley
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But you lawn is so green and fresh
Student loans sound like a good idea, I think theres no interest on them for as long as I am a student.
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I don't know how it works in Quebec, but in Ontario, interest doesn't kick in until six months after graduation. That isn't really enough time to pay them back interest-free if they're even moderate in size, but it's better than normal loans.
Posts: 10886 | Registered: Feb 2000
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Blayne Bradley
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I was about to post something but then I realized it was pointless. Much like this post to my own amazement.
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Even though student loans aren't interest-free, the interest is extremely low. It's often lower than inflation, which makes it virtually interest-free.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
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Blayne, I don't lie and I don't sugarcoat things for the sake of political correctness. When I say "different, not worse or bad but different," that's exactly what I mean. It is not code for "you're broken" or "you are defective."
If this sort of difference really is a part of how you are in the world, then your parents may not have the tools and knowledge to make this transition feasible for you. That doesn't excuse punching you in the stomach -- ever! -- but it does definitely mean that trying to make it work with only them may be beating your head against a brick wall.
You are an adult now, mostly, and you are in charge of your own life. Whatever anyone may have told you, this is your life, nobody else's. And it is perfectly appropriate and okay for you to start making some safe and sensible decisions about how to proceed next. The decisions should be ones that keep you safe, but they are yours to make.
Why not just send an email to Desirée Chaker from "Destination Employment" ( desireechaker@hotmail.com )? Quebec may pay for the formal assessment of where you are in relation to how the world is set up, if I am reading that website correctly. And then you'd start to get hooked in to a system that is already set up to make the world work better for all the extremely intelligent, sharp, outside-the-boring-box people like you -- employers who have agreed to sign on with someone with different talents and who expect some of the things that may have surprised your former employers, etc.
I bet you could write her an email (and be sure to mention that you did have special assistance in high school), figure out what to do next, and then decide whether or not to start involving your folks. They may be delighted at you taking the initiative, but it could be threatening to them, too, so be careful. My advice would be to get the process started (it's your life, remember -- really, it is) and then go from there.
Good luck. Email me at sara dot sasse at gmail dot com if I can be of any help.
I'm looking forward to seeing you work things out. That would be awful cool, and it could make you a great role model for some other kids here or in Hatrackers' families. How awesome.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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quote:Originally posted by Blayne Bradley: and the most damning of all.
quote:
Difficulty writing since spelling may not be automatic
Grrhm.
"Damning?" Why is this a BAD thing? As ClaudiaTherese pointed out, you probably just learn differently. It's not "bad" or "good," just "different" - but because the world is ordered so that it's easier on how the majority learns, it's more difficult for you.
You're really lucky that Canada has resources for people in your situation (apparently)! I'm not aware of any community resources for folks like you in my state. I say you should learn more about this resource, apply, and see if they can't help you get into a situation where you feel better about yourself!
Posts: 1006 | Registered: Jun 2006
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quote:Originally posted by mr_porteiro_head: Even though student loans aren't interest-free, the interest is extremely low. It's often lower than inflation, which makes it virtually interest-free.
Yes! My payments on my $7,000 remaining loans are about $72 per month. Pretty do-able, all in all! This might be a good thing to look into, Blayne.
Posts: 1006 | Registered: Jun 2006
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quote:Originally posted by mr_porteiro_head: Even though student loans aren't interest-free, the interest is extremely low. It's often lower than inflation, which makes it virtually interest-free.
Not in Canada. My student loans have a higher interest rate than my mortgage, my car loan, and my line of credit.
The payments are usually spread over a longer period than a car loan though. My loan had a 10 year term and my payments are pretty low.
Posts: 1336 | Registered: Mar 2002
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I haven't gotten punched in the stomach since boxing(ouch). Bad situation to be in, I feel for you man. Posts: 1158 | Registered: Feb 2006
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I think it's basically "Mockers of other's spelling or grammar errors invariably make an error in said mocking post."
But I was quoting "past" instead of "passed" intentionally. I'm the exceptional mocker that proves the Law.
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*fingers crossed for you
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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Blayne Bradley
unregistered
posted
Well thursday morning (I have been at a friends house from thursday afternoon to just now and thus away from a computer) I was negotiating about me going to "The Vault" (some christian recreational place been there to play Smash Brothers Melee) and my dad is like well of course you cant go you had a bad altitubde with terms like asshole f you, etc. my mom and my brother immediately say this is ridiculas considering how after he pounched me he called me an asshole several times and my saying f you several times was as aresult of my writhing on the floor crying.
Next me and my brother are waiting in the car about to drive to our college when my dad come and tells my brother to hold onto my moms purse.
My brother says no there's no room to put it so my dadroghlky opens the door and shoves him the purse and slams the door so my brother says ef off. My dad proceeds to come bak open the door and proceeds to punch and kick him several times and ends up pulling on my brothers hair telling my brothe to "calm down".
MY brother is in his seast with his seatbelt on this entire time btw so cant fight back.
I'm just about to get out of my seat at this point when my brother says "hell calm down" but as soon as my dad walks away he jumps out of the ccar and proceeds to punch him in the back as my dad was walking away.
It is finally at this point my mom walks out of the barn and yells at my dd to stop and angrily tells him to get a job, that she cant handle this anymore, she will not work harder if this kind of stuff continues.
And as we're about to drive off my dad in his stupididly tells my brother that hitting people in the back is a low thing to do.
Can anyone find the logical flaw in the above statement.
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Oh dear, that's rather dysfunctional. It seems to me that the obvious solution is to be prepared for a situation to get physical, and make sure to win the next one. Do not permit your father to think that he can get anywhere by hitting you.
That said, it does seem to me that he had a point. Holding your mother's purse is a perfectly reasonable request, and unless it's the size of a suitcase there was certainly room. Your brother, frankly, was being a bit of an asshole. Which does not excuse your father's reaction, but it seems to me there might be problems on both sides.
Let's try to get in a good number of years this weekend; you can move out when the Great Game is ended.
Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Blayne, I'm so sorry. I think this situation needs to change for you and your brother.
Three things:
1) Had you considered contacting the woman I mentioned above? (If you don't want to, that's your call, but I think making specific steps towards getting out of there in a safe way is a Very Good Thing.)
2) How old is your brother?
3) I always worry about blows to the back or chest, because this does deliver an electrical charge. CPR used to be jump-started sometimes with a solid blow to the sternum, which usually releases about 90 volts (if I recall correctly) through the heart. Your father really, really should not be hitting you guys this hard anyway, but this is extra dangerous. And I don't think your confronting him about it right now would be safe for you, in my opinion.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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I have no wonderful advice to offer - I can only say I don't know you from a leaf that blows on my porch but I'm really hoping that things work out well for you. Moving out of my parents house (when I had no saving, no great job, no fall back plan) was a really good thing for me. We'd gotten along for the most part but as I was 20 things were getting sort of strained - I saw myself as an adult (i'd moved out for much of college then moved back) but I was still living in their home and they still saw me as their child. Money was tight for a while but it's worked out very well in 'the end'. Plus - added benefit - the distance made us more able to speak about what went on there at the end and also about what we feel about our relationship with each other.
I'm hoping your situation yeilds a positive ending as well - for you AND your brother.
Posts: 1355 | Registered: Jul 2006
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My opinion of you has dropped off the chart. Seriously, you are perhaps the most callous and thoughtless person I've ever encountered. Advocating escalation of the violence in this family situation is just plain dangerous.
Blayne,
I wasn't actually able to follow all of what you said (I didn't know who dd is who your mom is telling to get a job in the middle of this melee). Allow me, if I may, to make a few observations:
1) Judging from your mom's reaction, the violence is a recurring event.
2) This scene appears to have played itself out in public view. Think about this a bit...If true, it means that normal social restraints have been been breached a long time ago and your family is basically more than just "dysfunctional" with respect to interpersonal interaction.
3) Your father has something seriously wrong with impulse control. Even provoked by smart-@ss comments his reactions are way over the top and he needs to be separated from the family.
4) In most communities, a domestic violence call to police results in at least one person spending the night in jail. I suggest that person should be your father, and I suggest it should be soon. And, if your mother is being hit, and/or if your brother is under the age of 18, I suggest that there should also be a visit from child protective services or some other type of counseling/evaluation official with the power to resolve the situation in the interest of the safety of any minor children.
I don't really know how Canada resolves these issues, especially in rural areas, but most of the law enforcement agencies I know will automatically impose an overnight buffer for everyone...I suspect that must be true in Canada too.
There is no stretch by which this is normal or acceptable.
Is there alcohol or drugs involved?
Is dad having problems?
My advice, if your mom will not call the police, you should.
This seems to be escalating if, as you said earlier, his hitting you was the first time ever... What the heck is going on?
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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Thanks Bob -- you said what I believe needs to be said, and what a lot of people here seem to be too afraid to.
I don't know a lot about you, or your family situation Blayne. But it's obvious that there are some serious problems, ones that aren't going to be resolved by simply getting a job and moving out (despite what a lot of people here think...)
Even if that was just your father's second violent act in his life (which I'm beginning to doubt) it's most definitely not going to stop by itself at this point. At this point the police need to be involved.
Many people think that family issues (even violence) should be settled domestically, but I disagree. With something as serious as this (and a thing that could potentially get much worse) both the police and some sort of counseling service needs to be informed.
I'm not the smartest guy around, and I don't know a lot about this kind of stuff -- but I am worried for you and your family. I strongly feel that something more needs to be done, Blayne.
Maybe calling the police is the wrong decision here (and I don't think it is) and I'm hoping some people here with more experience than me will be able to give you better advice. But...you need to act or I really think something far worse could happen.
And KoM: that is absolutely horrible. I...cannot...believe that you said that.
Posts: 290 | Registered: Sep 2002
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KoM's probably the closest friend Blayne has on Hatrack, and I'm sure is being half-sarcastic. The rest of you are poking around in a kid's life that you have almost zero familiarity with.
I don't think Blayne has even asked for advice. I read the initial post as venting. He is old enough to make his own decisions and will. Geez.
Posts: 1156 | Registered: Jan 2004
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Idk wut u should do Blayne but if I was you I woulda alrdy smacked the crap outta the dude so good for you so far Posts: 1158 | Registered: Feb 2006
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airmanfour: when physical danger becomes apparent I could care less if I'm "poking around" in somebody's life.
I'm sorry, but I can't let apathy keep me from trying to help him out.
And seriously man: of course he can (and will) make his own decisions. That doesn't keep me from giving advice to somebody I'm worried about.
Posts: 290 | Registered: Sep 2002
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I have deliberately stayed away from offering advice until I had clear evidence that this is not just an isolated event. At that point, this is no longer conjecture, but an obvious domestic violence situation.
To claim otherwise would be to call Blayne a liar.
Also, I know that KoM and Blayne have a relationship through gaming. I also can detect the sarcasm in his tone. What I can't fathom is, in the midst of wanting to support a friend, advocating a line of attack that could well get someone seriously hurt or killed.
This is not playtime. This isn't a supposition. It's playing it safe given what Blayne has told us and what the sad, sad statistics on this sort of thing tell us.
A person who has, in the space of a couple of days, so violently attacked his children as to punch one and floor him and pummel the other while he is strapped down...well, let's just say it crossed a line beyond which most law enforcement agencies would be making arrests, from what I know of such things.
So...while I agree that it's totally presumptuous on my part to offer any advice, I'm "comfortable" offering advice that errs on the side of the safety of people in the situation.
I hear what you're saying, and I considered it before posting.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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Blayne Bradley
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posted
KoM's advice is certaintly sound from a "national" perspective.
example: nation A carpet bombs a town in Country B
Country B should consider it a Casus Beli an declare war if all attempts at compensation fail or else be in the pocket of nation A forever.
I fo sure have not felt that his advice was being sarcastic or sounded callous in anyway way.
My mom was suggesting that my father gets a job, and his is partly a problem why we have hesitated to calling the police, we operate a home buisness that makes and sells ceramics it is the source of 95% of the income 5% being from my fathers cremation buisness on the side.
Money is also a bit tight and I see our standard of living plunging by quite a bit and frankly my own addiction to computer games is also hindering my aility to do anyhting that ould upset the status quo and I have no wish to drop out of school to replace my dads position in th buisness.
As for getting a new job in regards to myself I at an impulse got a job application form to work at Little Caesars Pizzaria and im contacting my college to see if they can get me work anywhere.
As for the woman yould suggested I talk to I just had a test in Database I had to study for (which i think Ill get 90something%) but I bookmarked the page and once school quits down a bit ill try contacting her.
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Please do not follow KoM's advice. If the situation is escalating in the way you seemed to indicate in your description, someone can (and probably will) be seriously hurt.
As it is, a domestic violence "rap" is something that is easily recoverable from if the family (and the violent person) can work things out with the help of some counseling and whatever additional programs are required. It's not a sure thing, by any stretch, but it's better than the alternatives.
You, for example, are an adult and would be tried as an adult if you succeeded in beating your father to the point where he could no longer retaliate (i.e., beat him senseless). Depending on how far you go with that, you could be facing manslaughter or attempted manslaughter charges.
Of course, if the prosecutor gets ahold of this thread and decides your actions were premeditated, and you manage to do even more harm...well, let's not think about the charges in that case. Right?
Okay, now let's look at what happens if you fail to beat your father into submission. Rather, he gets the upper hand on you. You are going to miss a lot more than a semester or two of school, no?
And he'll be in jail, not you. Facing much more serious charges, right? So his contribution to the family income is gone anyway.
I'm not trying to be a Polly-Anna here. There are lots of ways this could de-escalate on its own. I don't really know you or your family. But if you think about it for even just one calm moment you will see that nothing good will come from escalating the violence or retaliating against your father physically.
Some unpleasantness will follow the call on domestic violence. But compared to the worst-case scenarios, it's pretty much nothing. And if he has not actually struck a minor child, he would not have a really serious problem with the law assuming he and your mother can come to some sort of agreement on how things will work in the house.
Granted, if he has pummeled a minor, there may be some involvement of the law that can't be undone through verbal agreements among your mom and dad. It might mean having social services involved with your family for awhile. It could even lead to removal of minors from the household if the social worker isn't convinced that your father can be trusted or will definitely be out of the picture.
Again, it's a real judgement call, but to err on the side of safety is better than the worst-case scenario.
And, my big fear is that the worst-case scenario is where you are headed if you decide to take KoM's advice. This isn't some stupid RPG, Blayne. This is real life and someone could lose theirs.
PS: glad to hear you are thinking about some positive steps on the earning front.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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I start writing posts and I erase them because I just feel like I'm pissing up a rope and that any advice I give is just going to make things worse.
If there's any way you can get your family into therapy, please do it. Please. You all need it.
Also, don't drink or do drugs. You just cannot do that. Ever.
Get help, Blayne. Good luck.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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Blayne Bradley
unregistered
posted
was using the escaulation arguement as an example why I didnt think KoMs advice was meant in a bad way.
do not drink or do drugs, never have never will. I have never drunk anything more then wine coolers in my entire life and I refuse to do so.
Look, I don't know Canadian law, but here in the states (at least most states), a domestic violence charge could well include child endangerment (or similar). Your mother, by not reporting it, could also be in for some tough questioning. It could result in the minor being removed.
You, as an adult living in the household, might have some questions to answer as well about why you didn't report it.
But the real issue is, again, safety for the minor.
Again...I know nothing of Canadian law in these matters. I imagine it's similar to US and UK laws. I know that in England itself, they take this stuff VERY seriously. If the Canadian system is similar, there will be intervention.
Honestly, Blayne, I can't make that call for you, and you are the only one who can decide what you are going to do. But here in the States it's pretty clear that this would result in dad having a night (at least) away from home and possibly your brother going to a shelter or foster care unless the social worker is satisfied that things are safe at home.
That's a HUGE step to take. If you call the police, it'll set wheels in motion that, because of the presence of a minor, you may not be able to stop -- nor could your mom or dad just by talking.
I can understand hesitating under those circumstances.
But... Where is this heading?
Does your family have the interpersonal skills to make this situation better? Is the next event going to be avoidable or is dad just a time-bomb that you can't predict when he'll go off?
If it's the latter, then my advice is still to take the safe route.
I'm sorry if I misunderstood your reaction to KoM's advice. I took it to mean that you were comparing your situation to a gaming one and viewing the strategy as a sound one. Again, I apologize for mistaking your intent there..
Be safe.
Make sure your brother and mom are safe.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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Blayne, also in the states and I don't know Canadian law, but some prosecutors will try to charge 17 year olds as adults in cases involving particular types of crimes. If your brother is apt to go after your dad, the consequences to him could also be severe...
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
Also, have you ever had a heart to heart with your mom and told her how you really feel about your dad hitting you? Perhaps if you haven't, you might consider it and maybe bring your brother along to voice how he feels. You guys can tell her how you feel, not to punish her or to make her feel bad, but as a preface to saying,"This family needs help, mom. Please help us get it." I also think it might be good to tell her that if your father ever hits either of you again, you're calling the police, and that you don't want to do that. You want to be in a good family, and the best way to achieve that is through family therapy.
I know this advice may not be safe for you in your house, Blayne, but if you feel that it's not, then maybe it's time to bring in the police right now, no questions asked. Perhaps a little taste of jail will give your father perspective on what happens to people who can't control their emotions.
And on that note, please do your level best to not provoke your father. Just as your father has a responsibility to not hit you, you have a responsibility to consider his feelings and not goad him on.
Again, your family needs therapy. You need to work on building yourself up so you can move out and support yourself. CT's advice to talk to that person before you do so is excellent. Don't move out if you aren't ready to do so yet.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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I basically agree with Bob, except that it's not clear to me that the police are an absolute necessity right now. My outlook is really what's best for the family, and therapy is what's going to be needed whatever happens, police or not. It's just better if the police don't have to get involved. But if they do, then they do.
Anyways, I'm not trying to short-circuit what Bob's saying, Blayne, we're just kind of cross-posting over each other and both basically saying that something needs to be done because you are in a very dangerous situation.
Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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I agree with Storm Saxon on the family therapy idea.
I do hope that that's a possibility for you all and that it can happen soon (tomorrow morning is not too early).
I may be worrying more than the situation really warrants. Only you can really judge that.
And, yes, getting the authorities involved is not the preferred option if the family members will go through therapy.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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Blayne, I am a mandatory reporter of child abuse, even if I just suspect it may be going on. This means that I am required by law to report any suspicions to the proper authorities.
At 19, you are at the cusp of adult, and with just one physical event, I think the call can be made reasonably not to involve outside assistance. Now that it is multiple events, things are different. And especially now that your brother at 17 [a minor, and clearly as such within my obligation to report] is involved and things are escalating, it is much different.
I know that this is not something you want to deal with directly, but you have to and I have to. Please email me at sara dot sasse at gmail dot com, or we can continue the conversation here in public if you prefer. However, I am very good at respecting your confidentiality and privacy, and you might want to do this offline.
Regardless of whether I hear from you by then, I will be contacting the people I must contact this morning. I wish you the very best, sweetheart. I know this absolutely, totally sucks, both the getting it and the having to deal with it part. I wish you had never been put in this situation.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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I think the police are an absolute necessity at the next incident of violence.
In Virginia, the only state I have experience with, any admission of violence by the perpetrator or physical evidence results in a must-arrest situation. It also results in a temporary order of protection that keeps the offender away.
Beyond the physical danger - which is very real - there are serious consequences to domestic abuse. Real damage is done every time you witness this, let alone actually experience it.
Others have given great advice about things you can do, and I won't comment on it directly. But please, no matter what promises are made, involve the police the next time there is any violence - if that seems to severe for you, then next time there is anything beyond a single slap.
These thinks can improve. I've seen it. But they can also get worse very quickly. It is possible in Virginia to get through one "conviction" of domestic assault and battery without a permanent record. I have no idea if such programs exist in Canada.
But your family has endured this long enough, regardless.
Posts: 26071 | Registered: Oct 2003
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I need to lock this thread for the time being. There hasn't been a problem with the conversation, and it may continue in another thread. Thanks for understanding.
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That would be awful cool, and it could make you a great role model for some other kids here or in Hatrackers' families. How awesome.
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