When I was growing up my family traveled with a group of others who shared a passion. The group is hard to explain, yet for today's purposes it would be similar to one family in a neighborhood, or in a specific church, or in a small town. There are a bunch of strangers who spend way to much time together, and either become great friends or bitter enemies. We became friends.
For us it was camping in RV's, before they were called RVs.
Every weekend from March to November we traveled with these people, good and bad, wonderful and treachorous, to strange places around the midwest, and occasionaly further.
Of course the kids like me became friends with each other. The older kids, we fought with and were ignored by and basically worshipped as all little kids worship the big kids.
One in particular, golden haired, thin and energetic, smiling and tall, was named Gary. He was the only son of a couple that were very close to my parents. The four of them, and an older couple, made up the "Ding-a-ling" club, who's escapades are legendary, as my mother even now has put them down on paper.
I don't know why, of all the older kids, him I remember best. Not Ricky or Guy or the Haniphan kids, not even the girls. Gary stands out.
Perhaps because he had no younger brother, so he treated me and the rest like we were his.
He was about 10 years older than me. While I was riding my bike around, he was riding us all around in his fathers purple dune-buggy, or my fathers tiger-striped jeep. More stories there than I can put here.
I remember the story, for it was before I could remember anything, that he was one of the teen kids who took my fathers less than pristine boat out on the lake, and turned it into a submarine. Nobody was hurt.
I remember the halloween when I was old enough to be proud of my store-bought superman cape, and he led two others into creating a trilogy of gore and horror. He spent hours on the makeup and too much on the costume.
I remember being so found of my ability to fire 4 bottle rockets at once, while he was shooting off big expensive fireworks that lit up the sky.
He was always so happy, so tall, so Gary.
I don't know why.
Yesterday afternoon he took a pistol to his head, and fired.
There will be no funeral. He requested a quick cremation with no rites given.
I hadn't seen him much in the past 30 years. Perhaps once a decade, or less. We were never close or had a special secret respect for each other. My parents and his parents still got together once or twice a year, but he was not usually with them.
I doubt I would recognize him if I had seen him a week ago.
They say he suffered from clinical depression. I did not know that, can hardly imagine that.
They say his girlfriend had left him. I thought he had gotten married, and I may remember talk of a divorce. I think there were kids, but I do not know.
They say he was on some new medication for the depression. You know those depression medications, they either cure you, or drive you deeper in depression. At the moment science knows not why.
The truth is, about all of that, I just don't care.
See, I can't, no I won't imagine Gary beaten down by a disease, especially depression. I will not picture him torn apart by love lost, or medicine mis-fed. To me he will always be that tall, gangly, teen-age blonde boy with a smile that I looked up with.
Thank you all for listening to this. I felt I had to tell someone. I don't know why.
And you folks always offer a good ear to listen.
And I'm just happy about that, even if I don't know why.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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I can empathize. This reminds me of my similar childhood friend, KC, who my brother and I looked up to and had so much fun with at our family farm in Ohio. We would go down twice a year and KC and his brother Jeremy were the older kids down the road. We'd play D&D with our own hand-drawn maps, and we'd play war and guns, or just hang out. KC ended up killing himself 10 years ago for similar reasons as the ones you gave.
Posts: 4953 | Registered: Jan 2004
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posted
I'm sorry that you lost your friend. It's always sad when that happens, it almost seems like a part of our childhood is dying. But it's not; it will recover. Some day I hope you will remember the happy Gary times without thinking of the end with too much sadness. For now, (((Hugs))).
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
What a bummer. Thanks for sharing the cool side of Gary. Maybe now he remembers that's who he really is...
Posts: 1355 | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
My condolences, a death is such a strange occurance. Not like a birth. A birth you slowly come to the realization that there is a new cause for joy in your life, it keeps getting more and more distinct and grows larger and larger. When theres a death suddenly its all gone, and theres nothing there anymore. You can only grieve or at best contemplate the emptiness that used to be filled.
Fortunately at least for me, I make friends and find new joys much more often then they are taken away from me. I hope it always remains so, I wish the same for you.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I'm sorry. Death is hard enough -- but suicide makes it worse -- especially since many times no one wants to really talk about it. I hope that the chance to work through some of the feelings and thoughts here on the 'rack helps you. Be at peace -- as much as you can. (((Dan_Raven)))
Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
Oh, Dan... that's so tragic. Despite your barely knowing him, recently, and not being at all close. That doesn't alter the fact that he was a part of your childhood that is no longer there. (((((Dan))))) Thank you for sharing with us. I'm sorry this had to happen.
Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
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