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Last January I posted my first and only Landmark. I guess you could call this an update, a much shorter version, without the autobiography, but this isn't a landmark. I hate to do this (especially after giving Blayne a hard time for using Hatrack as his own personal blog), but, much like I said in my Landmark, I need to get this out, and I need to know that someone has read it. Maybe someone feels the way that I do, or has been through what I’m going through and they persevered. I can’t post it to my livejournal, or talk to friends, or family. I don’t want any of them to know, I don’t want people to say “it’s going to be alright,” as that sort of pity and sympathy has always been lost on me. I don’t know what I want, but like the thread title says, I just want to expel these demons, even if just for a short while. There’s some somewhat, well, mature content below, so anyone under 16 or so might want to shy away from this thread.
I’m awake at 8:00 in the morning because I couldn’t sleep last night. It’s safe to say that I’m doing my absolute best to ruin my own life. Last year I said that I’d registered for classes but had only been to a handful of them. After I posted that, I went to a couple classes, then nothing. The University treated all the classes as drops, so I didn’t get anything scored against me, but I had to pay for the whole thing without financial aid, so I had to take out a loan from the credit union, which will be paid off later this year, assuming that goes right. This last fall, I didn’t even sign up for classes. This past January, a year from my last landmark, I signed up for four classes, and even got the class I was looking forward to the most, HST 300, which is the big research writing class, the most important class a History Major will take, and I got it when the best Prof after an impassioned plea to let me into the class after it filled up.
I haven’t been to any of those classes since the end of January. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. At the end of my landmark, I posed the question “’At what point does a person stand up and say "Enough! I WILL live my life!’”" I’ve reached that point. I’m sick of the way I’m living, but I don’t know what to do. It’s not just that I’m lazy. I used to love school, now I hate it, I just want it over with so I can get on with my life. I just can’t seem to bring myself to get up and go. Maybe I’m afraid of school and life beyond graduating. Maybe it’s because I’ve been really depressed for the last year or so, not obviously, but it’s been an undercurrent in my life. Like I said it’s not that I’m lazy, I work a part time job 20 hours a week or so to pay my bills and I work hard there and never miss a shift. When it comes to school, I have zero willpower to go forward with things. Right now I just want to salvage the semester and get it all over with as fast as possible, but it’s one of those things where you put it off for so long that you’re afraid to face the accumulated crap built up because of negligence.
If I could salvage this semester and get credit for my classes, I could graduate by the time I’m 25, if I work hard. I don’t mind graduating at 25, my brother is almost 28 and he’s still a year away from graduating. People live their lives as different paces, but right now I feel like my pace is dead stop. The only thing I have going for me is that I’m still fairly responsible with my finances. By the end of 2007, I should have my car paid off, as well as my credit card and my credit union school loan, which should also ease my stress level.
I haven’t quite hit rock bottom, but I’ve been considering voluntarily taking the leap. There’s a pint of Jager in my freezer that I’d been saving for a special occasion, and I finally opened it yesterday at a friend’s 21st birthday party. I spent today alone, with my mom in Texas visiting family and my brother in East Lansing visiting his girlfriend. Most of my day has been spent alone, considering emptying what remains of the bottle and/or cutting, which I also mentioned in my Landmark. I rarely ever drink. I’m almost 23, and I’ve maybe been drunk three times thus far in life, even socially I tend to shy away. I haven’t cut in a year, it just hasn’t been an issue. Now that times are tough, I find myself rationally trying to talk myself into doing two things that I logically know to be bad ideas. I just don’t want to feel like crap anymore, and I don’t want to be stressed out anymore, and I want this thick cloud over my head to be replaced by something else, be it a drunken stupor or a pained clarity. I can’t stand the way I feel. I’ve considered going to see someone, a professional, and not telling my family. But I’d have to talk to my dad at least, to see how the insurance would work. Regardless, I don’t have any faith in therapists. I don’t think they’d do me any good at all, and I’m not going to pay to have someone listen to my problems. I KNOW that drinking your sorrows away is a bad idea, just like I know that cutting is harmful and destructive. But I also know that I live every free thought I have worried about why I can’t seem to make myself care that my life is spiraling into oblivion. I want this to be the last post I ever make about Lyrhawn’s Yearly Wailings.
I know this is a public forum. And I know this sort of complaining isn’t business as usual for us, but I’m deeply thankful that I have a place to just vent. If that last paragraph is unfit for this family forum, I’ll take it off, hell I’ll remove the whole post if necessary. I was just hoping that someone might know what I’m feeling and might be able to say they know what it’s like. If you’re reluctant to publicly say it, feel free to email me, or create an alt to post about it. I’d have created an alt myself for this post, but I don’t care so much if anyone thinks less of me because of the problems I’m going through. Apologies in advance for putting this on your doorstep, I don’t know where else to go.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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Been there. Done that. Sort of - I don't cut or get drunk, but I do have my own share of self-destructive behaviors and quit on myself.
I would strongly suggest you see a doctor and find out if there's anything medically wrong with you. Depression is one possibility, but there are a lot of other medical problems that can zap energy like nobody's business.
I'd also suggest seeing a therapist or psychiatrist - it's not just about paying someone to listen to you, nor is it just about better living through pharmaceuticals, although, depending on circumstances, that can be a good thing, too. They can help you develop better, healthier coping mechanisms, among other things.
I don't think less of you because of your problems - I'm too busy thinking less of me for the same reasons. It's a real zap to the self-esteem when you get in this kind of pattern. Sorry I don't have any really good solutions. Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2007
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Lyr, your post screams "I need help, someone help me" to me. I know that you said you don't want comfort or advice, but it reads like a desperate cry for help.
Now, I like you. I like you a lot. I want you to be around for the next couple of years so at some point we can actually meet. So I want you to go get help. Counseling, drugs (the legal kind), whatever is going to do it for you. You're still technically a student, right? So you can get help through the school. Most schools have some kind of mental help outreach. Your post reads as very, very depressed. Please resist the temptation to self-medicate into a stupor, and go talk to someone. Or call a crisis helpline. Or something. For me?
You know if you need help with anything or even someone to talk to, my e-mail works just fine, and I am happy to listen. Or read. Or whatever.
(And see, I didn't make a single crack about you being depressed because SG-1 is over! Oops. Oh, drat.)
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Lyrhawn: I’ve considered going to see someone, a professional, and not telling my family. But I’d have to talk to my dad at least, to see how the insurance would work.
You wouldn't have to. Not only is this something you can figure out on your own, but you do have Student Services available, at least for now. Use them now. Once you are plugged in to the system (have to be a student for that), they will continue to help you if you need to make the transition to someone else.
quote:Regardless, I don’t have any faith in therapists. I don’t think they’d do me any good at all, and I’m not going to pay to have someone listen to my problems.
You are in trouble, you are in pain, and what you are doing right now isn't working. That's a clarion call to reassess whether what you thoguht you knew to be true actually is.
*big hugs
Start with Student Services/Student Health. Want some help finding the number?
---
Edited to add:
quote:If I could salvage this semester and get credit for my classes,
That phone call will get you started on making this happen, too, insofar as it is possible.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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Lyrhawn, it's also important to remember when you go to see a therapist that if you don't gel with the first person you talk to, it doesn't mean that therapy's a bad decision for you. Sometimes you've just gotten the wrong therapist, and you can always have that changed. It's important for there to be a rapport between you and the person you're talking to; this won't happen immediately, of course, but it should happen eventually.
I'm sorry things are rough right now. (((Lyrhawn)))
Posts: 910 | Registered: May 2000
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(((Lyrhawn))) Scary dude. Your post brought back some bad feeling of my own past I'd care to forget forever. About 10 years ago (is it really that long?) I started on the path of self destructing my college life. Very similar, depression came full force and I stopped going to classes in third year. Dropped out for a term...came back with every intention of doing well again...but I stopped going to classes again after a couple months and had to drop again...this time permanently. I was close to suicide in that time. I look back now and if I had been able to get myself some prozac and some ritalin I might have been able to save me. The depression never really went away...I've always found reasons for it to exist, but I'm sure it's biochemical not just situational.
[ March 19, 2007, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: Telperion the Silver ]
Posts: 4953 | Registered: Jan 2004
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Lyrhawn, been there done that. Want to see my transcript?
You'll find a semester on it with nothing but F's. I self-destructed in college and my university didn't treat them as drops, they gave me F's in every one. Killed my GPA.
It took me over ten years to have the courage to own my mistake, face it, and start down the path of correcting it. Which I have, by the way, my GPA is now above a 3.0. But I will graduate past 35, much less 25. You are still very young, and you have time to straighten this out and fix it. You've already done the hardest part - telling someone about it!
Please don't do what I did. Don't wait more than ten years. Deal with it now. Incidentally, it's when I was in therapy that I started down the path of setting my academic life right and going back to school. A therapist really, really helped me. I no longer see her, and my life is now on track and where I want it. My grades are good, I enjoy school. So, don't look at therapy as some sort of life sentence. You use it for as long as you need to, then you move on with some better tools for handling things in your life.
((Lyrhawn))
I'll be thinking about you.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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Sounds like you're depressed to me. That's exactly what I do when I'm depressed. Procrastinate, self-sabotage, and self destruct. Get some counseling and get some help.
Posts: 1042 | Registered: Jan 2001
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Everyone is giving really good advice that you should take to heart, but I would also like to add that sometimes college isn't for everyone, at the supposed appointed time. If you can't get to class, maybe you don't really want to be there. Maybe you should save up some money to travel and explore what it is you really want to do in your life, and come back focused.
I am turning 26 this month, and haven't finished my bachelor's degree. However, I am certainly living my life, and learning every day.
Sometimes the status quo or the suggested sequence and timeline isn't for everyone. Don't feel trapped by what is expected, and find out what it really is you want from life.
AAAAAAAAAAAND talk to a counselor Posts: 3936 | Registered: Jul 2000
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I sixth the advice to go to a school counselor.
Two stories:
1. I was depressed in college but couldn't pay for it and didn't have nay family support. I tried to go to the counseling at school a couple of times, but it wasn't well run and I slipped through the cracks. I finally got it all togeter enough to go when I was 26, and it was fanstastic. About five months, I was finally able to deal with things that had been plaguing me for literally years. My only regret is that I didn't go years earlier.
2. My best friend in college stopped going to classes, and he self-destructed in kind of a big way. He rejected the idea of counseling and even when he HAD to go after he SECOND suicide attempt, he skipped out as soon as he could, figuring he could handle everyting on his own. He was equipped for that, though - he's very talented, but it simply wasn't something he could do himself. He never got help, and he's ever gotten better. At this point it's been ten years, and I think he has forgetten what it was like to not be miserable and drowning. He hasn't done ANYTHING with his life, and he's still miserable.
Please, please go to counseling. You are not alone - this happens all the time. *hugs*
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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Wow. I missed your landmark and had no idea this was going on. I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I hope you're able to find what you need to get back on track (whatever that track may be).
I don't have any personal experience with issues of depression, but all five of my siblings have been in for counseling at one time or another. They've all expressed to me how much it has helped them to improve the quality of their lives. My younger brother particularly has had a lot of mental health issues, but is now about to graduate from college with a teaching degree (at 27), thanks in large part to his getting help when he needed it.
Good luck with everything, Lyr.
Posts: 2926 | Registered: Sep 2005
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If it is physical, then you need to fix it with medicine. Some types of emotional fluctuation are not acceptable nor healthy, and can only be solved by physical means.
If it is not physical, then there is no simple answer. There are hard answers, but life is not easy. It's work. True gratification and happiness comes from a lifetime of hard work and fulfiling your own goals and such.
When confronted with two choices, the easy and the hard, it is only by doing the hard choice that we can go forward, build self-respect. Eh.
Counseling is the standard approach, and it is a good start, imo. The problem is when it becomes a replacement for living, when one becomes addicted to labels and the rather easy excuse of neurosis, an excuse that is mutually promoted by both the counselor and the patient. The counseler needs a justification for what he does; the patient is at a nadir and needs an explanation, and what explanation is easier than "I'm sick?"
That explanation doesn't produce success. It doesn't allow people to achieve their dreams. It does allow the psychiatrist to feel good, and the patient to feel bad, although within a comforting zone. Psychoanalysis is a horridly inefficient process; years and years of money money money? Furthermore, where is the proof that it works? The last study I saw was that it does not actually have any link to life-improvement (Myth of Neurosis).
Make the right choice. Sign up for AA. Nothing worth owning comes easily.
quote:Originally posted by Phanto: The counseler needs a justification for what he does; the patient is at a nadir and needs an explanation, and what explanation is easier than "I'm sick?"
That explanation doesn't produce success. It doesn't allow people to achieve their dreams.
Good counseling starts with making sure the person involved is safe. Second order of business is figuring out what the problem is and how to tell if it's getting addressed (i.e., what objective measures will be used to assess improvement).
quote:It does allow the psychiatrist to feel good, and the patient to feel bad, although within a comforting zone. Psychoanalysis is a horridly inefficient process; years and years of money money money? Furthermore, where is the proof that it works? The last study I saw was that it does not actually have any link to life-improvement (Myth of Neurosis).
Whhaaa?
*double-take
Dude, most counseling is not psychoanalysis. In fact, most isn't done by psychiatrists -- and amongst psychiatrists, the percentage trained in formal psychoanalysis is becoming vanishingly small.
There is plenty of evidence for the effectiveness of many forms of counseling for many different mood disorders, especially in combination with appropriate medication when warranted. That has nothing to do with the effectiveness (or lack thereof) of psychoanalysis. Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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Yes, I would agree that other counseling is effective; probably grinding my ax against psychoanalysis. Behavioral therapy is something I myself find very compelling/worth researching.
Posts: 3060 | Registered: Nov 2003
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Wikipedia has an article on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that may prove a good starting point. CBT has been heavily researched, and the effectiveness with certain mood disorders (and for certain people) is quite striking.
[It isn't a panacea, but it isn't appropriately deemed totally ineffective in the proper circumstances.]
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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Lyr, I can't add any advice that is better (or even close to as good, actually) than what's been said already, but I want you to know that I did read what you wrote, and I wish there were something I could do to help you. Yours is one of the names that is familiar to me at Hatrack, and, like kq, I would be very sad not to have you around.
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